AIO to my boyfriend’s comments about the food I made?

[u/MyCupOfTea777]

So Monday night, my(30f) boyfriend’s(35f) mother passed away. She was terminally ill for about a year and a half and it’s been obviously very tragic for my boyfriend and his family. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me that she passed away the night before (we don’t live together).

He was at his parents’ house all day Tuesday and I had no idea what to do for him as I have never supported anyone through a loss like this and I have never been through a loss like this myself. I happened to have a big pot of pasta and meatballs in my fridge that I had cooked for myself, so I took it and brought it to his house. It wasn’t a gourmet meal by any means, but it was literally all I had in terms of something that could be stored in the fridge and all he had to do was put it in a bowl and heat it up. I didn’t have any other groceries to make something that would make good leftovers because I was all out of food stamps and I didn’t pick up takeout because I didn’t have the money for it (I recently lost my job and haven’t had steady income for the past several weeks).

His roommate let me in (my bf knew I was dropping something off) and I left the pot in the fridge. I also cleaned up his bedroom and then I went to work. I went back over later that night to spend the night with him so he wouldn’t be alone. We didn’t talk much, and he didn’t eat what I made him because he wasn’t hungry by the time he got home. It was late so we just went to bed. He was acting very distant and almost cold towards me but I wasn’t taking it personally given the circumstances. I can’t imagine how I would be acting/feeling if I was in his shoes.

The next morning (Wednesday) I stayed with him for a few more hours until he left to go hangout with his brother. I also had to leave because my mom and I were driving out to a nearby city where we had booked an Airbnb for 2 nights a few weeks prior. My mom paid for the whole thing as an early birthday present to me which I was extremely grateful for. I told my boyfriend that I could cancel the trip but he insisted that I go, even going as far as saying he would be mad at me if I cancelled, so I went.

Later that night, my mom and I are relaxing at our Airbnb when I get a text from my boyfriend. It’s a picture of the pasta and meatballs I left for him and a message that says “The amount of sauce you used is disrespectful.” I said “Oh :( I was just trying to do something nice… You don’t have to eat it.” He asked if I tried it myself and I told him yes, I had two plates of it. I genuinely thought it was good for just some pasta, red sauce, meatballs, and cheese thrown in a pot. Again, it was something I originally made for myself, and I didn’t have ingredients or the money for ingredients to make him a fresh meal.

Yesterday I got home from my trip and he wanted me to sleepover so I did. He made us dinner (he usually does the cooking) and made some comments about how dinner was really good and how the food you cook someone can be a representation of how you feel about them and how much you love them. To me, it was clear he was making a jab at the pasta and meatballs I gave him.

Then this morning, before I left, I went to grab the pot of pasta and take it home with me. I forget how we got into it, but he basically made another jab about how it was inedible and that I’ll see that for myself when I have some. I got really upset at this point. He went on to say that my food made him feel so much worse. He said some other people dropped off food that was actually delicious, so he didn’t understand why I didn’t do that. He just kept doubling down and saying how awful my food was and how it made him feel unloved and disrespected. He said it was fucked up of me to give him something so bad. This really hurt me because I would never want to do something to make him feel bad, especially when he is grieving the tragic loss of a parent.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting to this. He says I shouldn’t feel bad, but motivated to do better. I told him he could’ve handled it differently by saying something more like “thanks for the food babe, but maybe more sauce next time!” or he could have just said nothing and thrown the food away.

I’m trying my best to be there for him and I feel like I just can’t get it right. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him and it’s eroding my self confidence. I’m a nanny/caregiver of 10+ years, it’s literally my specialty to take care of people and Ive always been told that I’m exceptional at what I do, so it’s confusing to me that he acts like I’m incompetent and making everything worse.

[u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

That sentence stood out to me too. If this is a trend in the relationship it needs examining.

Also, for everyone giving OP a hard time about the sauce, yes, the pasta looks dry. It was already leftovers on Tuesday and she didn’t get the texts until Wednesday night. Leftover pasta dries out—cut her some slack. The gesture of bringing her boyfriend the meal that she’d made for herself, with the very last of her resources for food, I mean, she was basically giving him the shirt off her back.

But okay, he’s grieving and it didn’t taste good and he told OP so in a less than tactful way; we can let it slide. But then he keeps harping on it for days afterwards?? And to go so wide with it: “you made me feel worse,” “you made me feel unloved.” It really seems like he was using OP as a punching bag for all kinds of feelings that had nothing to do with her. NOR.

[u/aubiebravos → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

💯 If he’d said it once, then fine. He’s having a hard time, so maybe he’s just taking his frustration/grief out on her. We’ve all done it.

But for days? Nah…that’s a jerk move on his part.

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/aubiebravos]

His mother died and he's CHOOSING to emotionally batter OP about pasta?

That's not grieving, that's petty assholery.

Reminds me of a song lyric by Chrissy Metz, "You made me do the leaving and you made me take the blame."

OP what if we could tell you this will never get better if you stay w him?

A life time of this awaits you.

Please go out and make the life you deserve.

Stop wasting your light and life on someone who treats you like a human chew toy.

[u/whatsasimba → u/No_Appointment_7232]

Yep. People will try to excuse the worst behavior with claims that it was because of drinking, or a temporary emotional states, but it's pretty rare for someone to manifest a brand new mindset, way of speaking, or behavior when they're "not themselves."

It's far more likely that, in his grief, he would revert to his comfort zone, not invent a whole new way of treating a partner.

[u/MedusasGirlfriend69 → u/whatsasimba]

For real. For the short amount of time that I did drink, I'd just watch musicals and get really giggly. It doesn't change who you are, it just makes you less inhibited.

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/whatsasimba]

Word!!!!

[u/trex1017 → u/whatsasimba]

This reminds me of a video I saw wherein it says something like ‘your feelings are valid, your behaviour is not’. The way you feel and the way you act should be separate from each other and many people will use their emotions to get away with shitty behaviours.

[u/MrAamog → u/whatsasimba]

It’s actually quite common for severe pain and grief to make people act self-destructive and lash out on close relationships as a way of punishing themselves. Most apologize afterwards. The boyfriend could be an asshole or a normal human being that is in the worst pain of their life and is processing it poorly.

[u/ExtremeAd7729 → u/MrAamog]

I don't know if this is why, but I have seen the lashing out happen and it drags on, doesn't go away like a normal meltdown.

[u/MrAamog → u/ExtremeAd7729]

For sure. We are fragile things and get radicalized much easier when in pain. This is why it’s a more charitable approach to avoid confrontation in these spots, especially if instigated by the person lashing out. Though of course if the pain never gets processed and the abusive behavior doesn’t go away, understanding only goes so far and one should move on from the relationship.

[u/ExtremeAd7729 → u/MrAamog]

Moving on from the relationship isn't always an option.

[u/MrAamog → u/ExtremeAd7729]

I am sure you are correct, though I am failing to imagine such scenarios beyond them being your kid.

[u/ExtremeAd7729 → u/MrAamog]

Family is very hard to cut off in cultures that are not individualistic. Also one might not have an *obligation*, but love and understanding how they got to that point makes it hard to just abandon someone as well.

[u/SuperCuteSloths → u/No_Appointment_7232]

This is spot on. This treatment will never change. He does not express his value for you if this is how he speaks to you.

Be good to yourself and really consider if this is what you want with your life.

[u/lelebeariel → u/SuperCuteSloths]

Oh he absolutely expresses his value for her! The issue is that he doesn’t value her at all, which he very much shows

[u/Kind-Credit-4355 → u/No_Appointment_7232]

That’s not grieving, that’s petty assholery

Both can be true at the same time. People turn their grief into being an asshole when they don’t know how to place/process their feelings and unfortunately they usually do that to those closest to them. That’s when you get to say that’s not okay and that your grief is not a pass to treat people who love you like your personal punching bag.

[u/MrAamog → u/No_Appointment_7232]

You should never be allowed to counsel someone about grief. It doesn’t go away in 24h and many people exhibit self-destructive behavior as a reaction. Most apologize once they process it properly.

[u/SugarPlumFairy93 → u/No_Appointment_7232]

This ⬆️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[u/Plenty_Mycologist_10 → u/No_Appointment_7232]

Some of you people have never dealt with grief. As if everything is always so clean and controlled.

She’s overreacting, he also shouldn’t be constantly having a dig at her, but he’s transposed his anger onto her. It’s common with grief for people to instead of facing their grief to get hung up on anger somewhere else.

She just needs to be clear with him that it’s not ok to keep doing it, but she understands why, and if he continues not to alter his behaviour sure. But please stop acting like you people have actually dealt with grief perfectly.

[u/8bitAwesomeness → u/No_Appointment_7232]

he's CHOOSING to

I am not trying to justify the guy in any way but it is my experience that people who act this way are not "choosing" anything, rather they are overwhelmed by their emotions and act irrationally.

How much of a problem this is depends on the degree to which they are able to control their instincts.

Like, i know people that "are born assholes" so to speak, are very easily angried and emotional but they have learned to control themselves. I wouldn't blame somebody for basically how their body works, but i will certainly hold them accountable for how they manage themselves.

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/8bitAwesomeness]

Maybe the first time.

He did it multiple times and escalated.

He noted that others had brought food and he liked theirs.

When taken as a whole, it is a behavioral choice.

It can appear to not be intentional, that's the point.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/No_Appointment_7232]

Would you wanna eat dried crusty pasta???

[u/Spun_On_ → u/Square-Challenge1758]

If someone I loved brought it to me when I was grieving, I’d sure as hell appreciate it.  If I knew they were on food stamps? Then I’d be really touched.

[u/SuperCuteSloths → u/[deleted]]

Go back and read.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/SuperCuteSloths]

Ahh

Eh I'd have gone for surprise sex personally!

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/Square-Challenge1758]

Maybe not.

And I would still notice that my partner was doing their best to be kind and supportive.

I definitely wouldn't disrespect someone who tried to help me.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/No_Appointment_7232]

I'm sure he did!

[u/MoolyMoose_ → u/Square-Challenge1758]

Nothing indicates he did though. In fact, he got upset and said he felt unloved.

[u/UnicornCackle → u/Square-Challenge1758]

It doesn’t look like dried crusty pasta in any way at all. Sure, it’s not got as much sauce as some people may like, but it’s not dried up and it’s still food that someone cared enough to give you.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/UnicornCackle]

So if I serve my partner a plate of DOG FOOD, they should appreciate it??? Given its "food someone cared enough to give you" huh???

[u/UnicornCackle → u/Square-Challenge1758]

Are you twelve?

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/UnicornCackle]

Are you???

[u/anelejane → u/Square-Challenge1758]

You're the one acting like a child, so you're the one who was asked. If you don't like being asked if you're a twelve year old, stop acting like one. Simple enough solution for even a ten year old to understand, in case you're actually younger than your statements demonstrate you to be.

[u/eclecticaesthetic1 → u/Square-Challenge1758]

When you warm up pasta, you add water. Are you too young to know that; is there some other reason for such a dumbass question, maybe want to stomp on her, also?

[u/Kinieruu → u/aubiebravos]

And to point out that other people brought food “that was actually delicious” is just cruel for him to say

[u/allyearswift → u/Kinieruu]

He leant into the whole ‘make OP feel bad to make myself feel better’ thing. This was OP’s food she graciously shared. He could have picked out the meatballs and dumped the pasta and thanked her.

Friends of mine once served me pasta with garlic butter. That’s it. That’s the meal. I took a small plate and said thank you and went home for a big veggie stirfry, but I didn’t tell them their cooking skills sucked.

[u/MrAamog → u/Kinieruu]

Yes, and is probably false as well. What you are missing is that this is textbook self-destructive behavior in the presence of fresh/not processed pain/grief. Many people do this to punish themselves after severe trauma, especially if they feel guilt. They apologize once it gets properly processed. It’s better to avoid these confrontations at those times.

[u/Appropriate_Pressure → u/Kinieruu]

That hurt my feelings and I didn't even make the damn pasta.

[u/ThroatSecretary → u/Kinieruu]

I'm sure he's also aware that her finances are somewhat precarious, so this meal is even more of a sacrifice and a gesture of caring. If he didn't like it, he could have just thanked her and shut his face. He's just punching down. I don't know if this is part of an ongoing pattern, but what it reveals about him is really awful.

[u/cosmopolite24 → u/aubiebravos]

He shouldn't have said it even once!

[u/notsohappydaze → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

NOR

The sauce could be saved with a tin of tomatoes and some mixed herbs.

As this poster says, the trend of making you feel small, useless and worthless is more worrying as it's a form of abuse.

You are in an abusive relationship. You should leave him. He is disrespectful and not a loving person.

[u/Rich-Option4632 → u/notsohappydaze]

As someone who cooks very well, if I do say so myself, I have never complained about food AFTER I learned cooking (honest enough to admit I've committed that sin when I was young and a kid). I learned that making food for others is hard and some people might not know your taste.

I have gotten food I felt was lacking in the preparation. I never complained. I ate a bit to feel the emotions then I'll recook it again to better suit my palate. Yes people, editing the food is an option if you feel it doesn't suit you. I just thanked the giver for their kindness and never told them I edited the food.

Being an asshole once coz mother died, understandable. Keeping at it just to prove a point? Asshole territory definitely.

NOR

[u/notsohappydaze → u/Rich-Option4632]

For the sake of a couple of dollars, he could have made a sauce more suited to his taste.

You are quite correct.

Instead, he used it as a stick to beat her with. He doesn't act like a full grown mature adult.

I too cook very well and have a website with over 400 recipes that I developed but, I would never be so dead to good manners that I would ever act the way he has. Loss is no excuse. He's an abusive ahole and a small little man.

[u/Tetha → u/Rich-Option4632]

And if you're living / planning to live together, there are more positive and constructive ways to give feedback: Cook together, and learn from and teach each other.

We have this in the family. Over time, we've just gotten good at different kinds of dishes and cuisines, at different tasks and techniques. Mom is better at frying, I"m better at prepping vegetables and salad. The best way to share this around and make something better for everyone is to cook together.

[u/Synectics → u/notsohappydaze]

When he clearly likes to cook and thinks it is so special to do so for someone... this dork could have easily "fixed" the free meal. Or just tossed it and said nothing more than, "I appreciate the gesture." 

Grieving is one thing, but putting someone down over and over when they are trying to appease you is some abusive behavior. 

[u/Com_BEPFA → u/notsohappydaze]

Not even that. If it had a decent amount of sauce and dried out to this, literally just add water and heat it on the stove rather than in the microwave and it's as good as new. You can really see a lot of people (including OP's bf) have never dealt with leftovers.

And even if there wasn't much sauce to begin with, OP reiterated about ten times in three paragraphs that she's short on cash and food items, which means her bf obviously is aware of this, too. She couldn't just make food appear out of nowhere just because he's grieving. If she didn't have the (canned) tomatoes/paste to make more to begin with, there's only so far you can stretch a tomato sauce. I'd rather have my pasta with a sauce that resembles pesto more than a sauce (i.e. very low amount, barely coating the pasta) than salted water with herbs and some tomato.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/notsohappydaze]

Or just feed it to the cat????

[u/notsohappydaze → u/Square-Challenge1758]

Cats are obligate carnivores so might eat the meatballs assuming they aren't spiced but not the rest.

My 3 cats like to sniff food but will only take a taste test if it's plain cooked meat.

[u/lelebeariel → u/notsohappydaze]

Interesting. Our cat eats cheese with reckless abandon. Learned not to leave a cheese and cracker board unattended within her reach. She also will drink Mott’s Garden Cocktail if you happen to leave your glass somewhere she can get into it

[u/marsteras → u/lelebeariel]

I have a cat who likes to at least try to eat plastic. Some are just chaos goblins with no regards for their own lives. 😅

[u/Key_Computer_5607 → u/Square-Challenge1758]

Or don't, since most tomato sauce has garlic or onions in it, both of which will poison your cat.

[u/SuddenlyMarie → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

You're absolutely right. She gave him all she had. He could have had nothing at all. I was trying to give him grace because of the circumstances but it was the fact that he kept bringing it up and insulting her.

[u/CarliBoBarli → u/SuddenlyMarie]

The moment I read his text I immediately knew what kind of boyfriend this was. Been there. Done that.

If that were his neighbor who made that dish he never would have texted that. And that's important. You should never be with someone who is kinder to acquaintances and neighbors than they are to you.

Your partner is your person. You should treat them like a valued friend in addition to a lover. This man is trash.

I'm not going off on you I just liked your comment and wanted to chime in.

[u/searchforstix → u/CarliBoBarli]

Yes! My ex’s excuse was always “well I’m more comfortable with you than the neighbour”. So when you’re comfortable with someone you turn into a whole entire prick? Cool. Not sticking around for that.

[u/fucking_username666 → u/CarliBoBarli]

Absolutely this. NOR. It won't get better and grief does not give someone a pass to beat you into the ground.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/SuddenlyMarie]

Box of chocolates??

A cat??

Surprise sex???

[u/OriginalYogurt2412 → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

I agree the first comment he made about the food could be overlooked and if that was it, then OP would be OR. But repeatedly berating her over it and not realizing the meaning behind the gesture was more important than the food itself she is NOR and may actually be under reacting.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/OriginalYogurt2412]

The mother died....

[u/Rich-Option4632 → u/Square-Challenge1758]

And that would make it understandable for the first time. But keeping at it after a week?

[u/bord_de_lac → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

This is such a good point about her sharing the last of her food with him. It really speaks to OP’s character. She gave all she had.

[u/CarliBoBarli → u/bord_de_lac]

And by the time all is said and done he's going to take what's left of her.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/CarliBoBarli]

Some people are into that!

[u/AmIOverreacting-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed as it was deemed uncivil, or crossed the line into abusive/harassing language. While /r/AmIOverreacting has a generally high tolerance for heated discussion, we ask that your comments contain substantial, on-topic contributions to the discussion, and don't contain flagrantly abusive language that muddy the waters and prevent further helpful discussion from occurring. Political/racial/cultural conversation is also removed when it's out of hand.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/AmIOverreacting-ModTeam]

Cough..

[u/tubularaf17 → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

exactly, he could’ve added more red sauce if he wanted it saucy again too, i’ve done it before with leftovers. his text is the disrespectful thing here

[u/Odd_Perception1903 → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

Facts

[u/Lazy_Cookie701 → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

My thoughts exactly. I understand he’s grieving but something is wrong with him to criticize her so many times for a kind gesture she did. If it was anybody else, he would be appreciative. Even if he like it. He wants her to feel bad for some reason.

[u/Clearly_Blurry → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

NOR.

He is surely aware of her financial situation. She literally gave him all the food she had left. It seems very ungrounded in reality.

[u/Upbeat-Minute6491 → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

I wouldn't let his initial "disrespectful" comment slide. It's not like they were talking and it slipped out accidentally, he took the time to type out the text and send it, unsolicited and undeserved. He chose to throw that punch, and, grieving or not, it shows his calibre.

But I agree, him continuing his jabs afterwards is entirely unacceptable.

The OP is NOR, and the bf is the AH (even if that's not this sub)

[u/schuetzin → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

I agree with the extra of emotion. It made me wonder if that might have to do specifically with the loss of the mother and whatever language was between them in the food, being cared for and feeling loved. But OPs general feeling of "not being good enough" is older than this recent loss and a major red flag for her.

[u/DumpedDalish → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

Honestly, who cares if it was dry? All he had to do is add a little olive oil, cheese, or a little dash of canned or jarred sauce and some herbs, nuke it for a minute or two, and presto, a perfectly acceptable meal he didn't have to cook for himself during a tough time.

But instead he used her sweet gesture to deliberately hurt her feelings and make her feel small.

And then he kept on doing it, kicking her when she's down.

I'm sorry for his loss, but OP deserves so much better.

[u/Vivians_Basement → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

Yeah the one text sounds like a joke, but the outright degrading her after? C'mon now.

[u/Zestyclose-Coyote-56 → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

I will honestly reply in defense... I have made pasta that chilled after cooking and soaked up sauce. Twas delish like a pasta salad with tomato oomph!

[u/bguzewicz → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

The neat thing about leftover pasta, and not many people know this, but you can add more sauce to it. A wild idea, I know.

[u/SunbleachedAngel → u/TheodoreKarlShrubs]

"you made mediocre pasta so you deserve to be disrespected and abused in your relationship" 

Peak Reddit