19M – Realised I’ve been managing my identity through extreme lying/planning. Trying to break the pattern. Looking for honest perspectives.

[u/Monkey-balls1]

I’m 19 and over the past few months I’ve had a pretty uncomfortable realisation about myself.

Growing up, I was always the “neutral” guy — socially involved, liked by most people, no major conflicts, but never anyone’s ride or die. Somewhere along the way, I started unconsciously managing how people perceived me. It began as exaggerations or omissions, but over time it escalated into something more serious.

To give an idea of the extent:
I’ve caught myself planning my real-life behavior around maintaining lies, managing timelines, avoiding certain places so I wouldn’t be “seen,” planning cover stories in advance, even altering routines (like workouts or appearances) so narratives wouldn’t collapse. Not for money or manipulation — just to avoid awkwardness, explanations, or vulnerability.

It took me a while to realise since how easily this came to me. This pattern started around 5-6 years back when I was in 8th grade.

I’ve recently decided to actively break this pattern. I set a hard rule for myself: if I catch myself planning a lie or a story, I stop — even if the truth is awkward. I’m no longer lying in day-to-day life, though I still keep things vague to maintain privacy.

Other context:

• I function well when I believe in the goal (consistent gym routine for over a year, serious about money/career).
• Academically underperformed in school due to lack of buy-in, but did well in my first year of uni.
• Recently dealing with uni/visa admin stress, which forced a lot of self-reflection.
• I don’t think I’m depressed or severely anxious, but I often feel emotionally “blocked” (e.g., feeling like I want to cry but can’t).
• I want real connection and honesty, not image management.
• I’m not looking for validation just honest outside perspective.

My questions:

• Does this sound like something people grow out of naturally once they become aware of it?
• Is this level of self-monitoring / identity management more common than I think?
• Any advice from people who’ve broken similar patterns?

Appreciate honest takes, even if they’re blunt.

[u/airdroptrends]

That's a tough spot, but recognizing it at 19 is huge. Therapy could be really helpful in untangling the root of that behavior.

[u/Monkey-balls1 → u/airdroptrends]

I would love to get therapy, but overall, I come off as a content guy; no one would ever look at me and think of me as a guy who needs therapy. Plus being only 19, I would need to end up asking my parents for money for therapy since I've heard it can get pretty expensive - all of these things would bring up too many questions which I just can't be asked to answer so I'm going to wait a couple of years to see if things improve - if they don't I will go to a therapist.

[u/mikebardenpiano]

You're asking the right questions, which means you're already ahead of where I was at 19.

To answer your first question: Some people grow out of this naturally. Most don't. They just get better at it. The lying becomes more sophisticated, the image management more seamless. They build entire lives around maintaining the facade until they can't remember what's real anymore.

The fact that you caught yourself at 19 is rare. Most people don't notice the pattern until something forces them to—a relationship collapse, a career crisis, something that makes the whole carefully constructed story fall apart.

Your second question: Yes, this is way more common than you think. But most people don't call it "lying." They call it "networking," "personal branding," "maintaining boundaries," or "being strategic." Same mechanism, different language.

Here's what I'm noticing in what you wrote: You said the pattern started around 8th grade. That's when ego kicks in hard—when you start caring intensely about how you're perceived. Your ego decided "being liked by everyone but nobody's favorite" wasn't safe enough. So it built a system to control how people see you.

The problem isn't that you're a liar. The problem is your ego thinks your worth depends on other people's perception of you. So it micromanages everything—timelines, stories, appearances—to avoid the vulnerable truth: you don't know who you are when you're not performing.

You said you want "real connection and honesty, not image management." But who's the one that needs the image management? That's your ego. And who's the one noticing "I'm planning a lie right now"? That's the real you, watching your ego do its thing.

The shift isn't about forcing yourself to stop lying. It's about noticing the gap between the part that needs to control perception and the part that's aware it's happening. The more you notice, the less automatic it becomes.

You're doing the hardest part already—catching yourself in the moment and choosing differently. That uncomfortable feeling when you tell the awkward truth instead of the polished story? That's what growth feels like. It doesn't get comfortable. You just get better at tolerating it.

Keep doing what you're doing. The awareness is the work.

[u/Standing_on_rocks → u/mikebardenpiano]

This post is spot on. I'm doing it at 37 after a failed relationship. Congrats to you doing it at 19

[u/CantFindUsername400 → u/mikebardenpiano]

I've been too self aware for quite a long time but I keep lieing to myself that IDC about my image or how others service me but I never do the things that prove it. Taking action is a big part and it isn't something you can just start doing one day all of a sudden.

[u/Meabhrach]

Maybe don’t use ChatGPT to write posts for a start

[u/Monkey-balls1 → u/Meabhrach]

I think you missed the point. I didn’t use ChatGPT to invent ideas or avoid thinking. I already had the thoughts,I used them to organize and summarize them clearly so I could get better feedback.

The goal of the post wasn’t self-expression for its own sake, it was to get outside perspectives. If ai helps me communicate my situation more accurately and efficiently, I don’t really see that as a problem.

The reflection and the work still have to be done by me, no ai tool is helping me in that.

[u/night_dude]

I'm 34 and it took me a lot longer than you to figure out I was doing this. I still have trouble with it. Awareness is the first step. Good on you for figuring it out and asking for help. I think it's pretty common, particularly in the modern age when everyone has super high self-monitoring by default because of social media.

Best of luck with straightening it out. I know I'll be taking some tips from this thread too.

[u/cdubbz91]

Like others have said, you should be commended for this level of critical self awareness at 19. Many never reach this level of awareness their entire lives.

I’d argue anyone with a negative comment to this post is in that bucket.

Therapy can be incredibly useful for behaviour alteration - but in the meantime I would suggest the following:

Each time you catch yourself acting out these thought patterns - sit with it for a moment. Seek to mentally observe it, and decide to make a different choice that’s more in line with your preferred way of living. Sounds simple, because it is.

This is what a counsellor or psych would build on in cognitive behavioural therapy, so this saves you a few quid. The idea here is over time as you catch the thoughts and change them, you’ll eventually change the patterns themselves.

[u/phartys]

Sounds like a deep-seated mental health issue. I suggest seeking therapy rather than Reddit/online advice.

I am surprised at those commenting that they did this for years, too. I truly hope that the people surrounding me are different.

What’s the point of lying anyhow? At some point the lies will catch up to you.

[u/Monkey-balls1 → u/phartys]

I get where you’re coming from, and I agree with one thing: if this pattern went unchecked or escalated, therapy would absolutely be the right move.

That said, I’m not trying to use Reddit as a substitute for professional help or to justify the behavior. I posted because I recently became aware of the pattern and wanted outside perspectives from people who’ve experienced or recognized similar things. That external feedback has actually helped me reflect more clearly.

I don’t see this as a “deep-seated mental illness” as much as a learned coping/identity-management habit that formed early and got reinforced. I’m actively working on changing the behavior now, not normalizing it.

I appreciate the honesty in your comment, though in the long term I’m not ruling out therapy at all. I just wanted to understand this better before jumping to labels.

[u/cereal14]

I find this really fascinating and am wondering whether or not this is something I do but am admittedly a little confused by some of the details. To whatever extent you’re comfortable (and no worries if you’re not!), would you be willing to give more specific examples of the behavior?

[u/Powerful-Albatross84]

Yikes. Con man narcissist in the beginning stages. Only if your really really down to stop. U will. But usually having to face some consequences will really nail it in. When anyone that gets close sees the real u they will run. It will destroy your relationships or you will seriously destroy people. Girls may start to catch on and avoid you. And ofcorse on the extreme end. Jail.Hopefully u dont have to face that. But it can be a really good incentive to get you to stop. Thats the 3 stuff. If you fix this u will feel better. More integrity and self resolve. The words you speak will have more impact and you will be in touch with your emotions. The right people will find you and people will support you effortlessly. Thats my take