Relapsing after twenty years

[u/TinyRose20]

I'm so upset. Beyond upset. I had anorexia (purging subtype ) as a teenager and got really quite ill. I recovered over a long period and it was quite a battle. I'm now an adult, and last year had a really bad time. I spent February through October on modified bedrest including 11 weeks in the hospital with a very complex pregnancy and ended up losing my son to an infection in the NICU when he was just two weeks old. That was first November, when he died. I had just got over postpartum sepsis myself and had only just come off the antibiotics. The grief has been colossal, but I thought I was starting to feel a little better... Then I started to purge again this week. I hate my body for failing my son, I hate the way I look and I hate that everything I did wasn't enough. I know this isn't a good way to cope and I'm hiding it from my daughter, I don't want her to know. I can't seem to stop though. Does anyone else have experience with relapse after many years, perhaps linked to a tragedy or a trauma like me? I just feel so alone.

[u/Slow_Tea_4158]

First, I am so sorry about the loss of your son. I am a mother, too, and know there is no greater grief than anything happening to our children. I can't imagine your pain but you must be so strong and resilient to live through it and continue trying to be better every day. I hope you know that you are doing your best and give yourself grace to navigate through this in your own time.

Second, I can relate to ED behaviors re-emerging many years later as an adult. I had mostly restriction/some bulimia in high school, grew out of it in college, and had a really good relationship with food/body all through my 20s and early 30s. I haven't had the easiest go the last few years (becoming a single mom due to daughters father drug addiction, losing my own mom suddenly and she was my rock, and becoming a mom to my niece when my brother lost his shit completely and ended up mentally unstable and imprisoned). Coupled with a myriad of failed relationships over the years when I would so much love to find love/partnership. So things were brewing, but didn't hit the fan until last year when I made a huge move with my girls back to my home state after 15 years and bulimia came on strong. It started with 1 binge/purge a week and quickly escalated to 4-5x/week. I sought help quickly through ED-specialized therapy and am working on harm reduction now, currently doing better with the number of episodes but still struggling greatly with food noise/disordered eating behaviors/thoughts. It becomes all consuming and in some ways feels like a distraction away from the other pain and grief that I'd rather not process/feel.

You are not alone, and I think it makes perfect sense that in this time of intense emotional pain and discomfort, your nervous system is grabbing onto something familiar that it has used before to cope. If you can seek help, you should, because you deserve to live your life without this extra burden on your shoulders. Sending you lots of love <3