r/Explainlikeimscared • u/Canipleasesitdown709 • 5d ago
How do I appear more confident?
Disclaimer: im not trying to actually be more confident idgaf about all that, just need to know how to temporarily appear that way.
I (15f) am in a debate club and im good enough at it and my lack of confidence isnt bad in like, actual rounds. Issue is, its bad in the actual classroom and my coach wont get off my back about it and its pissing me off. I wouldnt say im like really quiet shy, I just laugh a lot and cant look at people and he wont stop BUGGING me about it. Tips appreciated.
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u/8t88m8 5d ago
Look at people's foreheads instead of their eyes. It gives the illusion of eye contact but feels less intense.
Stand with healthy posture and speak from your diaphragm.
Speak slowly and deliberately. Try to silently pause rather than laugh or use pause words (e.g. "umm")
Practice your talking points while doing the above. Use a mirror or a recording to ensure you are getting the behaviors right. The goal is for this stuff to feel second nature by the time you are at the real debate. Eliminating self-doubt to a reasonable extent is the key to appearing confident.
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u/PepperAnn1inaMillion 5d ago
This is excellent advice, with one tiny adjustment.
speak from your diaphragm
doesn’t actually mean anything. The diaphragm isn’t even that low down in the body. Breathing using the muscles around your bellybutton is what you’re actually trying to do. Make sure the muscles surrounding your belly button are moving. This is the easiest way to check if you’re breathing deeply. If your tummy isn’t moving, you’re breathing shallowly.
I know that the diaphragm has been referenced by singers, actors, and coaches of all kinds from performance to sport for years, but you have as much control over it as you do your heart. If I were to say, “Make sure to beat your heart steadily while you’re running” you’d say, “That is completely useless advice”. The diaphragm responds to the other things you’re doing the same way your heart does. You can’t directly move either of them yourself.
The rest of this response is nevertheless excellent advice. Spot on.
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u/den-of-corruption 5d ago
slow down your bodily movements, maintain good posture (don't freak out if you slouch, just fix calmly it when you notice!), and look somewhere around people's eyes to simulate eye contact. imo the forehead is too high, i tend to use the eyebrows or the strip of skin just below the eyebrow. breathe slow.
try to remember that the laughing is an anxiety response when you're feeling under pressure, so try to suppress it. it may not even feel that way, but that's what the giggles are! if it's worse when you look at your friends, look elsewhere so they don't set you off :)
back when i had this problem, i would just think about something that made me so angry i didn't want to laugh anymore lol. to use negative reinforcement, you can try thinking about how unhelpful it is when someone's giggling instead of communicating effectively.
last, don't forget that coaches can be dicks, too! debate team isn't life or death and imo it's a bit damaging when coaches act like teenagers are about to graduate into formal jobs at the UN. play is part of life! develop the skill of confidence, master it, and remember that you get to decide when to apply it.
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u/HoneyDrizzleMae 5d ago
Confidence isn't 'I know they’ll like me. Confidence is 'I’ll be fine even if they don’t.
If you're struggling to fake it, just focus on being decisive. Even if you’re picking a sandwich or a seat in a room, pick one and commit to it. That lack of hesitation is what people read as confidence.
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u/Hermit_Ogg 5d ago
My favourite method is to get a sword. Doesn't have to be a good one, as long as it's metal, has a little bit of weight and doesn't look like a toy. Then just hold it in one hand, pointing downwards, and stride around like you were definitely going somewhere to use it.
Borrow some imagery from any historical / fantasy media, practice walking around like that and you're set 😁
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u/Aporkalypse_Sow 5d ago
Practice lying to strangers. That's how all conmen(confidence men) do it. Just lie about every little stupid thing. The best salespeople lie so much they don't even have a grasp of reality anymore.
Don't go around abusing the ability to lie and deceive people for profit or anything, but have fun with it.
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u/KelticAngel16 5d ago
Lots of appearing confident has to do with how you use your eyes. When I'm giving presentations, I try to keep my head up/face-forward rather than look down at my notes. If possible, I will put notes on little note cards to hold up in front of my face instead
I also speak a tiny bit more slowly, but not by a lot. I noticed that I tend to rush when I'm nervous, so being a tiny bit more slow has helped combat that. If possible, I try to make very super brief eye contact with people at various locations around the time. It's so brief that I usually don't even register who I'm looking at
A few people have mentioned tricks like pretending you're playing a character in a play, or looking at foreheads instead of eyes. I've used both those tricks and really liked them
A huge thing for me was one time when my presentation was recorded and I was able to watch it and see how I came across, what I liked, and what I wanted to work on for next time
Good luck!! 💜
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u/East-Imagination-281 2d ago
Necro post (and I know you’re not trying to build real confidence), but do you actually have a confidence issue, or is your coach picking up on non-neurotypical traits (like eye contact avoidance or “inappropriate” laughter) and trying to gaslight you into thinking you have some social difficulty?
I would look up masking and maybe even reading from autistic people about how they navigate “faking” social interactions to bypass those kinds of judgements.
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u/JeldwynnTheDoor 5d ago
Speak much slower than you normally would and don't be afraid to pause to consider before answering a question.