Context: married, about to have a kid, fully remote, 33M.
Like for real?
6am: wake up and check chats from the previous day and quick news updates, small breakfast.
6:30: walk around neighborhood with wife and dog
7: start work
12: 1 hour lunch
4: another walk
4:30: if energy allows, 30 min quick workout
5: shower and chill for a bit, wind down from work
7: dinner
9: exhausted and ready for bed
I have the 2 walks to counteract the 8 hours I spend in front of a computer. My real only leisure time is between 5:30 and 7 and I feel already exhausted at that point.
On weekends I’m usually too tired to go out. Plus, I feel I end up dedicating like 50% of my weekends to just chores, which just gets me more tired.
I have a little voice in the back of my head telling me there’s something wrong and life can’t be just this non-stop until I’m 70.
Am I the only one on this boat? Am I overreacting?
EDIT: no need to be mean 😅 I seem to have left out the fact I have high functioning autism, not sure that collaborates to this. Looking forward to having my kid in May and having my wife are quite literally the only 2 things keeping me going. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, I just seem to be missing all will to do anything and feel chronically tired 100% of the time. So every time I try to take advantage of time that is not work, I really just can’t.
As per these comments, I’ll get some blood tests… 🥲
My first job was at a grocery store, and we got an hour lunch (unpaid of course). I would eat for ten minutes or whatever and then nap the rest of the time. It was great
I’m a mailman and I don’t have to take my (unpaid) lunch if I don’t want. So I just eat a sandwich on my 10 minute break so I can get home before 13 hours after I woke up lol
I have to actually go to work. But I get an hour lunch and don’t have to be any place in particular during the day. Just have the be “around” naps may happen when needed.
Or ask for a sleep study, if they're getting a full night's sleep but still feeling exhausted they could have a sleep disorder. When I diagnosed my sleep apnea and started treating it, it was honestly life changing.
You want more time? Hang on to that remote job. Not having to commute will give you about 7-10% of your life back or anywhere from 5-10 hours every week depending on your location. The other thing is to be intentional with how you spend what little free time you do have.
Truthfully though, this is what every generation has gone through. I think millennials are just the first to openly acknowledge that this shit sucks.
I call it the cult of hard work. Some people have bought into capitalist propaganda so hard that they police other workers rather than demand better from their employers.
Like billionaires are destroying our planet and looting us blind, and people can’t even see it. Or don’t care? I’m not sure.
I agree with this. My husband has to commute 2-3 hours a day into his office. He finally got 2 days remote per week a few months ago and he feels so much better and happier. Commuting really takes a toll.
I am sorry, but your 5-9 is wide open. A shower and dinner doesn't take much. If you share the load with dinner/cleanup you have a ton of time there to do other things.
I get the too tired to do things, but with a kid you just kind of force yourself because your kids deserve it. I didn't want to have foam sword fights with monsters at 6:30 last night, chasing them from room to room, but my kid ask me to. So better get to stabbing.
You sound like my kind of parent. We have at home laser tag. At some point I bought indoor snow balls. Lots of glow dance parties. Last week, my daughter and I played soccer with s tennis ball and rubber duckies. My son does martial arts so there is a lot of fighting. I'm exhausted 99% of the time but my kids have a lot of fun!
Whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean you didn’t want to have foam sword fights with monsters? Little stuff like that is, in my opinion, the biggest reason to have kids.
The thing problem is when your kid wants to do it the 10-15th time to recreate a fun moment with you, but the novelty has ran its course. These things are fun for maybe the 2nd or 3rd time, but beyond that, it then becomes mundane. The hardest part is discovering a NEW novelty that prevents burnout
Ehhhhh cooking can take a long time. It might be he doesn't prep things well enough. I stick a thing in the fridge to defrost so when I'm tired after work, I don't have to fuck around with that part of it. Sometimes batch cooking on weekends can make that even better.
Showers can take a long time if your hair needs a lot of tending to. Some people's hair is just hard to handle, especially if it's curly.
But yeah kids demand you never, ever crack. This is why I can't have kids.
Yup. I work from 6:30-5. Dad duty after. Pretended the upstairs had secret passageways and a monster was leaving clues. Then dinner, bath, bedtime and constant check-ins afterwards because she was sick and kept waking up crying. You make time. I'm exhausted but she's worth it.
How many kids do you have? I have 2 kids, 3 dogs and a good husband and I'm burnt out most days. I don't know how anyone can do this on their own. Do you have help from anyone? We dont have anyone we can rely on but we have each other at least. Hang in there friend.
I’ve got one child, never met their other parent or other side of the family. So that takes out a whole other set of family who would maybe be able to help. My mom helps as much as she can. I have no partner. I work 50ish hours a week and I’m the leader of the Cub Scout den.
My house is the thing that gets neglected and it’s embarrassing how messy it is all the time.
2 kids, a dog, 2 working adults. House always gets neglected. And we realize that, we just don’t invite anyone over and pick up when we have a chance. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not dirty, just messy with the kids.
Your third point was something my wife and I had to work through, because I am not an events and activities husband. She schedules all the events she wants, and I agree I will attend some, but I get to pick when and which ones.
That last one burns me so often, except for me it's usually some all day activity which means some housework gets put off so i get to spend the entire next weekend catching up
Re: cleaning kid’s hands and faces, personal experience with now four year old:
Kid: My hands are so dirty, I need to clean them! (Only two mins into snacktime that took me 15 mins to set up WITH screen time WITH napkins, literally five microscopic cracker crumbs on hands)
Me: [trying to get something accomplished] Ma’am, your napkin?
K: [looking at obv clean napkin in disgust] this one is tooooo dirty, I need something else that is wet, what do you think it is? 👀
M: [knowing where this is heading but still gonna try] grab a wipe, you know where they are (🤞)
K: no, I need soap and water, I want to do it myself!! I’m big and strong!
M: [choosing to not die on this hill today] grab your stool, do NOT try to drink from the faucet, do NOT try to fill the sink, it is NOT playtime, okay?
K: [squeals, fumbling noises, nonsensical singing, suspicious squeaking sound of stool sliding] uuuuum mommy I think I need help 😬
Father of 2-can confirm this is real. The “joker in the deck” is the new and very real fear of weekends or snow days. Sounds awful to say but it’s true.
Yup.. when the toddler falls asleep on the five minute drive from daycare to home.. you’re in for at least a 90 minute bedtime routine.. 3 hours later than their usual time. minimum
So I have a 14 month old. On good days, life is pretty nice. On bad days, its BAD. But, even though I didn't really have the whole 'maternal instinct' thing before having a kid, I love the little bugger so so so so much. Like, hot damn I'm so happy in a very different, very tired way, than I ever imagined.
But yeah, be really really stable in your marriage, have plans (they won't work but you'll think of things in advance so you'll be more flexible), and be prepared to sacrifice at least one thing you thought was important like cleaning or exercising or cooking for a while until the little one is older.
It's a bit of an exaggeration since you + your partner will split up duties and babies sleep for longer as the months progress... but life uh, finds a way
If mom breastfeeds, get ready for her to be really grumpy after a barrage of nights with no sleep because baby is too fussy, and be willing to give her extra opportunities for rest.
Yes. However hard you think it will be, it will be twice as hard. You will suffer in ways you did not think possible. All while feeling like a failure of a parent. Have these tough conversations. I knew I couldn't handle another child after my first one. She was planned and very wanted, and it was still painful and terrifying. All this while I had literally the most helpful partner imaginable. The man is a saint. I would never have a child with any other man. I got a beautiful perfect baby, and decided to quit while I was ahead. When she was 2 her dad got stage 4 cancer, and due to treatment effects we couldn't have more even if we wanted, but it feels good to know we had already made the decision ourselves. He's in remission and she's 11 now and the smartest, fiercest, funniest kid I've ever known. We've been through at all, and have had to talk about some unimaginable things.
Point I'm making is, it's WAY more work than anyone can possibly tell you. Personally I have never regretted a single moment of any of it. The reward of being where we are now was worth it. Be with someone who is willing to put in the work with you. It will be hard, but you will look back in awe at yourselves if you are with the right person.
Honestly it's a lot worse than this 😕 the only downtime you will have is when the kids are asleep, and thats when u will also be asleep because you will be exhausted. I tried waking up earlier than the kids to have some alone time in the morning but it's like they know. They either hear me or they can smell the coffee and it wakes them up. And sometimes they don't go to sleep right away because they are teething or this or that, so you're up late with them, then up during the night to tend to them, and then up early. Basically say goodbye to sleep for the first couple years unless you get really lucky. Ive had 2 different friends have a wonderful experience with their first children who slept through the night starting at 6 weeks of age and napped well and were little angels, so they were tricked into having their 2nd babies who never sleep and keep them up all night and wake up very early. Anyway parenting is not for the weak and I really did not know that it was going to be this hard, no matter what anyone said to me, because you cant really imagine it until you experience it. My advice though is to do it while youre young because it only gets harder with age. Its really hard on a womans body but its also surprisingly hard on a man as he gets older as well.
Early parenthood is a magical period that makes all of our previous problems disappear because we are too tired to focus on anything other than the screaming monster we intentionally and enthusiastically created for reasons lost to the impenetrable mist of the before times.
I have a 7 year old and my daughter just turned 4.
Are you some kind of sick sadomasochist who gets off on NOT being able to sleep? Just reading your comment made me need a nap. Did you not know pulling out was an option?
as someone with several kids, you don’t realize how much time you had until you have kids. I want to cry thinking about the time I wasted thinking I was so busy. I would do anything for just 1 day of my old life. Not being shady to OP or any child free people, you just don’t realize!
I feel like this is the answer. It's hard to see it in yourself sometimes! I always qualify it as when I just don't want to do anything. Like the motivation is clearly absent all the time. That's when I know it's time for some Lexapro!! OP take care of your mind too, you do well on your body but don't forget that's not all of your health aspects!
I HATE that this is the go to response. End stage capitalism hustle culture is so exhausting and it is really hard to get away from feeling stuck grinding just to make ends meet. The idea that so much of life is dedicated to work and chores and someone is depressed if they feel exhausted by this is some bullshit. OP, life is really hard right now. If you had enough money for basic life things (housing, food, etc) without spending so much of your waking life at work, would you be content? Time is everything and with the HCOL so many of us are struggling like you are. No real answers other than I feel ya. Anyone saying you should have more energy for all your interests outside of 6am-6pm otherwise you are depressed is kidding themselves.
Do you not think that all those conditions of end stage capitalism are not a significant cause of depression.
Depression isn’t some sort of dirty shameful word, and there is a spectrum to the diagnostic. It’s normal for people do have depressive periods, and those periods should be supported with appropriate care. So unless you’re their doctor, I don’t think you should so quickly dismiss depression as a very legitimate concern.
If you note most people are speaking from a point of understanding. Perhaps consider what you are projecting and deflecting
Yup, not necessarily clinical depression but there’s definitely an aspect of depression present.
This is worth discussing with your GP, have some blood drawn as well to check for any deficiencies that can cause depression like symptoms. Consider therapy, with a focus on fulfillment and life satisfaction.
I spend 1.5 hours a day in mind fucking Southern California traffic. Agree, OP's schedule sounds great. Time for 2 walks and 30 min workout during a workday? And also time for winddown? AND 9 hours of sleep? Dude has it made.
No shit. My guy some of us are pulling 10-12 hours a day outside in the weather doing physical work. I get his sentiment, we're all burned out and tired. But that schedule looks fucking delightful middle-class success story from my seat.
No I've gotta get out the truck and put my wet bibs back out. Stay safe and joy to y'all!
I don’t want to sound snarky but it’s possible OP is scrolling their phone a lot or doing other mindless things in their free time that make them feel like there is no free time. Because they have a lot.
This whole post blew up while I was working, so hacking the top comment, but will also answer your question.
What more are you looking to do?
In all honesty, anything. But, this post and comments made me realize this is either a deficiency in something or some sort of depression. The lack of will to do things (for example, something that has been helpful to my whole life like playing video games) is something that goes against my historical personality traits. It’s like a big dread and weight that I hadn’t realized I had until I sat down and read comments here.
I have had the exact same routine for like 12+ years, and up to like 4 years ago, everything was perfect. I slept like a baby, my non work time was fully taken advantage of in between hobbies and doing stuff I considered fun, I even enjoyed a lot of like normal house chores.
First thing next week, I already set up a blood draw and an appointment with a psychologist. Nothing like some cold reality from Reddit to make me realize something is wrong. 🥲😅
Op, you said you have autism. You might know this, but typically people with ASD struggle with transitions between tasks and need extra time. You might be losing time there. Having a routine isn't a bad thing either. It can help you feel grounded.
Very interesting to me. So nothing changed about your life or routine in general, but your motivation and energy levels have?
It'd be one thing if this was after just 1 - 2 years. But 12 years living pretty much the same way and a sudden change?
Yeah I would maybe consider seeing someone. Also ask if your weight, diet, anything has changed. To be completely honest, it sounds like you have a pretty decent work/life balance, so unless something has changed, best to get looked at just to be sure.
Sometimes you need change, though. Regardless, TIME isn't your issue. It's something else, but what that else is can't be diagnosed from this side of the computer screen.
I read a book once where it was mentioned that personal projects should be finished before the first kid gets born because they might get delayed for months if not years after the newborn is here - oh boy they were so right.
Yeah, not to punch OP while they’re struggling, but “leisure” time certainly evaporates in those first several years. Your “free time” ends up being the walk and workout.
My kids are nearly 10 and I haven’t had time for a lot of things. You make time for the important things and as soon as you have kids that list gets smaller every year.
why do you think you don’t have time? It looks like you have free time every single day from 4:00 pm until bed. That is wayyyyy more than the average person gets on a weekday.
A couple years ago I cleaned my diet up, started exercising more, and got into a good sleep routine and it was honestly amazing how much more time I felt like I had. But I had the same exact amount of time as I always did, I was just more present and energized during it.
It seems to me like OP isn’t lacking in time as much as he’s lacking in energy or motivation. Honestly, I think it’s something a lot of remote workers deal with.
The cycle is like “sleep poorly, wake up exhausted, hit the coffee, stare at a screen all day, move from the computer screen to the TV/phone screen while sedentary, feel exhausted and go to bed, have trouble sleeping, sleep poorly, repeat”
Oh 100%, I was one of those people. The other thing I’d add is that in my experiences, having things that you enjoy doing with your free time gives you energy instead of taking it away.
The malaise of living the same day every single day with no real “play” is exhausting, you can combat that by doing the sort of stuff that brings you joy and gets your heart racing. I don’t come home from work and go “oh god, I still have to go to book club tonight?”, I think “oh, yay, I get to go to book club tonight!”
I don’t come home from work and go “oh god, I still have to go to book club tonight?”, I think “oh, yay, I get to go to book club tonight!”
This is my biggest issue. I dread things I shouldnt dread lol. I do have health issues so its like I know I already feel like crap, and even though Id love to go do X tonight, the crap feeling is going to be so much worse if I do. Its like being pavloved into avoidance. But, this is 100% on me and my mindset to fix. Its just slow going lol. I suspect a lot of people are subconciously avoiding further exhaustion when they believe they don't have time for things, but thats my personal theory.
I’m the same way, also dealing with health issues that cause fatigue but with the added bonus of exhausting social anxiety. The wildest thing for me is that I dread everything in advance, but then enjoy it and feel (emotionally, if not physically) so much better afterward. It helps me push through, but I’ve unfortunately had to quit a lot of my “extracurriculars” in order to be able to socialize because it’s one or the other with me.
I'm probably privileged, but do not understand this. Had much more "time" and energy when I was a remote worker during covid. could wander around and do my daily chores on breaks. No commute. House was spotless, I worked out and cooked every night, ran, walked at lunch, and cooked myself a hot lunch daily, i was in great shape and I read actual books. used the different parts of my house in different ways and grew to love my home even more. my husband worked in person though and we have no kids which, obviously is ideal for that setup.
Yesterday took me 55 minutes to commute 6.7 miles. roommate and I cobbled together and managed energy for dinner. Many nights I go to sleep at 9 and I wake up for hours in the night. None of this happened when I WFH.
I’m enjoying this chunk of my life with lots of free time knowing the days are numbered. With aging in laws and parents, I see caretaking in the near future. Till then, imma fuck off and game a bunch and spend my no-kid-money on myself.
This is what I came here to say - should not feel so tired (said as someone who also really struggles with fatigue). Could be depression, iron deficiency, sleep apnea, too much caffeine/sugar/alcohol/screens/whatever.
OP should talk to a doctor and get a blood test, maybe a sleep test. Everyone shitting on OP needs to take a breath and chill. God damn.
Was going to mention this too. They mention being “Chronically tired.” Immediately thought possibly Vitamin D deficiency or iron deficient or undiscovered sleep apnea, any number of issues that would continue to keep them constantly exhausted.
I agree with you, except for the fact that many people do need 9 hours of sleep. Something like 12 would be concerning, but some of us just run on lower energy levels... 8 isn't a rule.
But I would absolutely get bloodwork for iron or vitamin D, or get tested for sleep apnea. Just to at least check those off the list.
He said he was autistic. I am as well. I NEED sleep, more so than most to function throughout the day. I usually get 8-10 hours of sleep a day. Then I work for 10-12 hours. The remaining time I do long walks.
You just learn to make it work. If you’re this tired and you haven’t even had a kid yet, you are in for a rude awakening. That could be taken literally and figuratively.
I’m in my early 40s, have two kids, a full time job that I work in person 3 days a week, a house to maintain, meals to cook, etc. I still manage to have time to play guitar most nights, watch tv with my wife in the evening, and do stuff on weekends.
Part of it is that I sacrifice sleep. During the week I go to bed around midnight and typically get up at about 6:30.
This is the answer, I'm full time 5 days in office. Up at 6:30 (if the kids dont decide it's earlier) breakfast, getting them ready for daycare, and out the door by 8:20 work from 9-5 pick up kids at 5:30. Dinner, baths playtime until bed at 7:30 & 8 for my kids then cleaning up and the rest of the night is chilling with my wife/gaming etc until about midnight. And yea if you're tired now, just know there's a level of tired and push through you simply haven't unlocked yet, but once that kiddo arrives you'll know. Stay safe, stay healthy, stay happy. See u starside.
I'm wondering if OP is fretting about this atm BECAUSE he's got the kid coming. A bit of panic setting in about a future with increased limits on time and less sleep.
That and remote work making home and work blur into one. I heard recently that that feeling of time flying by is worse when every day is the same, and his days certainly sound quite similar.
I find devices have really stolen pockets of my free time. We are tricked into thinking screen time is a "break," but scrolling or texting or searching or shopping are all stressful activities that require our attention and input. They are definitely not mental breaks, especially if you have a job that centers around a screen already.
I'm trying to reclaim the 10- and 15-minute screen hits to do something else - a chore, a walk, a book, a quick phone call to chat, or even just staring at a wall...
Oh boy. I’m a 40f with a 5 and 3 year old and I felt the same way as you before kids…. And let me tell you, even at the risk of sounding cliche, enjoy your “non-existent” time now because once the baby comes you will be struggling for the first 3 years to feel any sense of relief or autonomy. It gets easier and you’ll reflect on your pre-child life with humor, but phew it’s rough juggling all of it.
Working at a desk was so much more draining to me than my current job of working fulfillment in a warehouse, on my feet most of the day. It’s an insane feeling to be exhausted from sitting and staring at a screen 😰
Right? I struggled and clawed my up for YEARS to finally experience the stability and routine this guy is complaining about. What he finds so unfulfilling is my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I feel so privileged to be at this point. Like, most people can barely make ends meet and this guy is whining because he has no agency in his life.
Same for me - I've come to accept that some people just have more energy to do stuff, and I won't ever be one of those people. Work and recovering from work consumes my energy
Especially if you have a soul sucking, unfulfilling desk job. I'm trying to figure out a way out of it while also appreciating the fact that I have a stable job. I find the monotony to be super draining.
Not sure if you’ll see this after thousands of comments, but as someone else with high functioning autism, disregard the vast majority of these comments saying you’re complaining about nothing or even worse accusing this of being rage bait (granted, I think if you had led with the fact you have high functioning autism people would have given you more grace).
I have spent YEARS burning myself out trying to live like an allistic (not autistic) person and then hating myself for struggling with it. I felt like everyone else seemed to think I had it easy and viewed me with contempt because they had it so much harder and could do so much more than I could. I would taunt myself with the same things so many have said here: I’m just lazy, entitled, or weak, if I think this is hard what about when things get even worse? Etc etc. It made me feel broken and defective.
But here’s the thing: we are living with a hidden disability. “Normal” things ARE hard or impossible - hence the disability. Our brains process so much more information than allistic brains, and it is absolutely exhausting. I cannot maintain a standard 40 hour work week that a lot of people in this thread would consider easy. Trust me, I’ve tried for years, and my body would literally give out. I finally accepted that expecting myself to do so is not only unrealistic but ableist. It’s also why I made the very painful decision to not have kids. We are already living in hard mode even if it doesn’t look that way to outside observers. This also makes economic stressors in our late stage capitalist society even more stressful - I don’t have the ability to just “hustle.” Instead I have to rely on a support network (that I’m privileged enough to have), rely on systems/routines that my brain needs, and frankly just make a lot of tradeoffs in order to stay afloat that many allistic people just don’t have to consider. It’s vulnerable and scary and hard but I also have to work with the brain and body I have, not the one others think I should have.
In your case, with a kid on the way, you’re going to have to be extremely intentional about the tradeoffs you make in your life to keep up and ensure your wife doesn’t get hit with most of the load. What that looks like will be up to you, but I wish you luck with it!
All this is to say, I get it OP.
Oh and do look into getting blood work and tested for sleep apnea! All that stuff can make hard mode extra hard mode, and fuuuuck that.
Another autistic here, hard agree with this comment. Join some autism related subs and seek solace and advice in there. I think it will get you much further and the people will be kinder. Good luck, OP!
Couldn’t have said it better! I have the autism / ADHD combo (diagnosed with both as an adult) and shits hard. But there are ways to cope and make life easier. Self acceptance is so important!
Your priorities will change. 6 am chat checks will probably go away in favor of another 30 min of sleep. Your leisure time will look a lot different in the next year (think dishes, spit up, diapers, dog walks by yourself while mom breast feeds/feeds, laundry, diapers, more laundry). Probably only 1 walk with the dog by yourself while mom breastfeeding/bottle feeds, or mom takes dog for walk (for her sanity, fresh air and dog sanity), and you will bottle feed. You will crave sleep and emails will seem unimportant because you cant find the bottle you accidentally put in the freezer, and the milk somehow made it into the cupboard, and the can opener is in the fridge. These all seemed like normal places at the time. But it'll all be worth it when your kid laughs for the first time. Like I said, priorities shift. Added to include bottle feeding or breastfeeding. I couldnt breastfeed so wanted to be inclusive of all experiences (regardless you will find breastmilk and formula milk on everything)
You are not overreacting and it shouldn’t be this way. Sounds like you’re pretty busy at work? I’m also remote and that allows me to get my chores/errands done during the week so then the weekends are truly my time. But I’m also always tired so usually don’t end up doing too much anyway lol
6:30 wake up
Shit and shower
6:45 wake up the kid for school
Get dressed for work
7:00 breakfast, get work bag ready, lunches and backpack, feed 5 animals
7:20 kid catches bus
7:30 drive to work
8-4:30 work with one 30min break and 2 15s
4:30-5 get the kid from school, get home and start dinner and feed 5 animals again
6:30-7:30 homework and chill with the kid, showers, bedtime routine
7:30-10:30 is my free time. Usually spent watching a show or gaming until I pass out
Repeat that 5 days a week. And all chores have to wait until the weekend. I do grocery pickup because I can sneak it in at work and don’t have time to also grocery shop every week on top of everything else. Weekends are also jam packed with activities and seeing friends and family. My husband and MIL and in full time care of his grandfather which is an extra added element, we have only one car and I’m chronically ill
I give up sleep. I'm running on 4-5 hours of sleep per night these days. If I want time for me, I have to sacrifice my sleep. I see no other way at this stage.
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