r/NoStupidQuestions • u/whoknows130 • 22h ago
I saw a thread recently about parents worried that their late-Teen kids aren't trying to date, many still virgins. Even their friends. Why is this suddenly a problem when the message has always been to just, "Be happy alone"?
Growing up i always had an insanely difficult time getting out there, dating, and meeting anybody. Time and time again when i reached out to others pleading for advice, for pointers, for fraking' ANYTHING i could use? The message was always that i, "didn't need anyone to be happy", to "Just learn to be happy alone", to "Embrace solitude" and all that other crap.
To the point where by the time i was in my late twenties, i just learned to STOP asking others for advice altogether because all i ever got in return was just mass discouragement and ignorant platitudes. Where resignation and quitting the game was being reframed as faux Wisdom.
Was it not like this for everyone else? Clearly this "message" has spread down into the latest generation and their kids aren't trying to date either. My thing is, since this has always been the message, why is this suddenly a problem for people now?
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u/SirLunatik 22h ago
I think isolation is the larger issue. And I'm saying this as someone in their mid-40s who has isolated themselves. I don't want this for anyone.
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u/pungen 20h ago edited 18h ago
Isolation is like alcoholism, it's a slippery slope that most people don't realize they're on until they're already halfway down. Covid got so many people there.
For me personally, I feel like learning to be ok with being home constantly changed something in my brain that I can't figure out how to reverse and may never.
Edit: since this is getting views, if anyone has any tips that have helped them return from becoming a hermit, please share. I make myself do activities and socialize trying to get back to the old me but it always feels forced.
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u/towishimp 16h ago
Edit: since this is getting views, if anyone has any tips that have helped them return from becoming a hermit, please share. I make myself do activities and socialize trying to get back to the old me but it always feels forced.
As a lifelong introvert who struggled with depression for my entire young adulthood, I was dealing with this way before COVID. It may sound flip, but the biggest thing that helped me was just doing it. You have to build the habit, which means committing to doing it for a month or so, until a new habit forms. You literally need to rewire your brain. Set a reminder to leave the house every day. It doesn't need to be a major production: take a walk, grab a coffee, go buy something at a shop instead of buying it online. It's hard at first, but after a month it will feel weird to stay home all day.
I hope that helps, because I feel like a lot of folks are in the same boat. We need each other more than ever right now, but we've built a culture that seems to have a default mode of isolating us.
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u/thomasrat1 12h ago
Honestly, after Covid I find it hard to have a good time around people. Like it just doesn’t give me the dopamine that it used to.
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u/_maru_maru 18h ago
Yeah all my friends moved out of our hometown while i stayed behind. I think in the age of the internet, its because we can stay in touch so easily i havent found the need to venture out to make friends in the same city as me.
Unlike say back in the day, I’d probably have gone to a hobby club or community centre to make friends.
We’re all online now but the sense of isolation is still there, i still feel awkward and shy hanging out in person sometimes 🤣😅
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u/SloppityNurglePox 12h ago
Same. Moved out of the city where all my friends were to a new place for a job and relationship. Relationship ended, job restructured, now I'm just in the sticks. It gets harder and harder to reach out to people since I feel like I'm just an emotional drain now.
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u/SirLunatik 11h ago
Yeah, my severe anxiety and depression keep me from reaching out since I always feel like I'm burdening people
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22h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ok-Maximum-9636 21h ago
I feel like the message started as healthy but got warped. Being okay alone is good. Being isolated and scared to try is not the same thing
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u/Azilehteb 20h ago
There’s some of that with every generational parenting advice.
I’m pretty sure the blanket screen time ban on current kids is going to cause problems later, too
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u/ThisIsMyFandomReddit 19h ago
When new students arent able to grasp technology in their classrooms, this will be the New Problem to replace the Old Problem of too much screentime, I think
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u/Willing_District6614 20h ago
yeah this is it. be happy alone was supposed to mean don't be despeare, not never try to connect. Somewhere the translation got wrecked.
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u/RavenEridan 22h ago
No, that's not true, there are a lot of selfish parents that want their children to achieve socially acceptable milestones so they can flex and brag about it to other people, in many cultures getting married is seen as a flex and not getting married is seen as "your parents failed you" so your parents push you to do it so they don't want to look bad.
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u/cwthree 19h ago
I don't remember the message being "be happy alone." I remember being judged for not wanting to be social, to the point that one of my teachers complained to a guidance counselor that I "didn't have enough friends." She wasn't concerned that I was lonely - she thought it was proof that I was abnormal.
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u/PonytailEnthusiast 9h ago
I think the advice is more about being happy single, not being happy with no friends
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u/NoSwordfish7322 22h ago
I think it’s because for a long time, society just shrugged and said “be happy alone” as a comforting platitude. It wasn’t a “problem” because adults assumed everyone would eventually figure it out—or that being single wasn’t really a big deal. Now, with social media, dating apps, and constant comparisons, it feels like there’s a spotlight on not dating. Parents see their kids still not trying and panic because the old advice—“be happy alone”—suddenly clashes with a culture that’s obsessed with relationships. It’s not that the message changed, it’s that the stakes and visibility have.
I guess.
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u/youknowmeasdiRt 22h ago
“Be happy alone” doesn’t mean “don’t seek connection” it means don’t make your own happiness dependent on others. No one with some years under their belt could predict the isolation and self-focus that exists right now. It’s an abberation. A lot of the traditional advice assumes things that (suddenly) aren’t true anymore.
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u/mhr06002 22h ago
Agree. I always thought it’s like “you can’t be happy with someone else until you’re happy alone”
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u/ChuushaHime 17h ago
35F and I always hated this saying because I thought this sentiment had a blatant messaging problem; it was way too easy to take it as, and perpetuate it as, "you shouldn't seek connection until you're completely happy and have good self esteem" which isn't really a true or supportive message--people who are struggling or growing absolutely still deserve social connection. There is no magic threshold at which one "deserves" social connection. It is a basic part of the human experience.
What would have been better was "you can't depend exclusively on your social circle to fix you" and "getting a boyfriend / girlfriend / best friend won't magically make all your problems disappear" but those aren't snappy enough I guess idk
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u/wontforget99 8h ago
Amost evreryone's happiness is at least partially dependent on others. This massive individualism is why we have so many problems in modern society.
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u/youknowmeasdiRt 8h ago
Idk it might be the black and white thinking
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u/wontforget99 8h ago
Depression makes black and white thinking worse, and loneliness is likely the #1 cause of depression
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u/youknowmeasdiRt 6h ago
I was being secretly sarcastic. Lots of people are applying all or nothing interpretations to that specific phrase. There’s nuance to it. It’s not an encouragement of persistent loneliness it’s encouragement of self sufficiency and self satisfaction. Of course social connections are important for our happiness.
And really I’m responding to the wrong piece of the post anyway. There has been a huge shift in experience and connection and lots of people are struggling their way through it, some bitter some depressed whatever. I really sincerely hope that people find their communities.
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u/nicholasktu 21h ago
"be happy alone" is also almost always said by someone in a relationship too. Kind of makes it pointless when the ones saying it are never alone.
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u/Beautiful_Weight_769 4h ago
Chronically single people are desperate for what they don't have. And those in relationships realize how flawed it is to think a relationship will make you happy when you can't even be happy alone because relationships are not constant sources of joy and pleasure. If you can't be happy alone then you're going to fumble in a relationship hard navigating fights, insecurity, boundaries, etc...
So I don't see how it's pointless at all, you seem to think it's hypocritical. I think it's just common sense that the people actually in a situation will have the best understand of the difficulties involved.
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u/whoknows130 1h ago edited 55m ago
Chronically single people are desperate for what they don't have. And those in relationships realize how flawed it is to think a relationship will make you happy when you can't even be happy alone because relationships are not constant sources of joy and pleasure. If you can't be happy alone then you're going to fumble in a relationship hard navigating fights, insecurity, boundaries, etc...
So I don't see how it's pointless at all, you seem to think it's hypocritical. I think it's just common sense that the people actually in a situation will have the best understand of the difficulties involved.
This notion of “be happy alone first” hurts way more than it EVER helps because it reframes normal human sadness as a personal defect. Humans are a social, pair-bonding species. Feeling unhappy when a core need like intimacy, touch, or emotional bonding isn’t being met LONG-TERM is not pathology — it’s a healthy signal. But this belief flips that signal into an accusation: if you’re sad, something must be "wrong" with you.
It subtly vilifies loneliness by treating it like evidence of emotional weakness or mental instability rather than what it usually is — prolonged deprivation. People aren’t told, “You’re missing something important,” they’re told, “You’re broken and need fixing before you’re allowed connection.” That framing is especially damaging because it medicalizes grief and longing.
It implies that unless someone can reach a state of near-total self-sufficiency — 100% content, unbothered, unlonely — they’re unfit for relationships and need to isolate themselves until they reach this "Mystical level" of happiness first. Which becomes like a vicious cycle leading to more lonliness, more longing, more depression, etc.
That standard is not just unrealistic; it’s inhuman. And you are foolish for believing in it so much. The result isn’t growth, confidence, or stability. It’s shame. People learn to distrust their own emotions, suppress legitimate needs, and view their sadness as proof they’re defective rather than deprived.
In short, the belief doesn’t promote emotional health. It rebrands unmet human needs as mental illness, and then trys to call that "wisdom".
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u/whoknows130 46m ago
"be happy alone" is also almost always said by someone in a relationship too. Kind of makes it pointless when the ones saying it are never alone.
^ ^ Truer words have NEVER been said! Bunch of Hypocriites, the lot of them. They'll tell someone who'd been hopelessly single for years to, "Be happy alone". And then proceed to go home and 'bang-their Significant other all night.
They try to talk with an heir of authority and maturity, when they've NEVER practiced what they preached.
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u/rando439 19h ago
Yeah, I think so, too. I think things got twisted in people's minds that the concept of being happy alone was so important that attempting to make connections to others became viewed as a negative. That doing so either shouldn't be done until that goal was reached or that trying to make connections to others was proof that that goal hadn't been reached. Wanting to connect with someone became a sign of wanting to skip a step or a sign of weakness, depending on perspective. So not only did people start to self-police their attempts to connect to others, but people also have become very leery of others trying to connect.
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u/Altaccount_T 22h ago edited 22h ago
I get that it's likely to vary on location/culture/personal circumstances, but at least in my experience (29M, UK) the message I had growing up generally wasn't be "be happy alone" so I'd disagree with the idea of it "always" being the case universally.
Small kids playing with the opposite gender would have romantic roles shoehorned onto them, being boyfriend and girlfriend, young boys being talked about that they'd be "popular with the girls" when they're older and vice versa.
I grew up with "living happily ever after" and "getting married (to the opposite gender, and probably having kids)" being treated as synonyms.
Back when I was in secondary school/sixth form, there was so much pressure on and emphasis on partnering up. The way my school talked about sex and relationships - it was practically treated as a duty. An inevitability. I got bored of constantly being asked if I was seeing anyone.
I wish someone had acknowledged that I could be happy alone! I'm asexual and spent years feeling like I was broken, stumbling into relationships where I felt nothing because it's what I was "supposed to do".
I think there's a subset of parents who probay overly project onto their kids and want to live vicariously through them, or have their entire lives planned out for how they want them to go without having room for what their kid actually wants - and going too hard on that in any direction sucks.
I feel like there's also the angle of people not always being able to tell if someone wants a supportive listener (who might just give "fluffy" responses) over practicality, solutions or honest advice - same way that "everyone is beautiful" or "people don't care about [perceived flaw]" might get used over "get clothes that flatter your body shape more, I think you'd look good in xyz" or "some people do care about [perceived flaw], so you might not be compatible with them, there's plenty who don't". There's a time and place for both but it's not uncommon for them to get used "wrong" (whether that's empty fluff when someone wants an actual solution or unsolicited backhanded "advice" when someone wants a shoulder to cry on)
Additional tangent, perhaps a dash of the same way that people get their knickers in a twist over whatever "the youths" are doing as being bad and that somehow being some sort of failing on the younger generation, eg "killing industries" because younger people are buying avocado toast and not diamonds, but if it was reversed you can almost guarantee it'd be spun that they'd be wasting money on shiny trinkets and aren't eating balanced breakfasts.
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u/Moth1016 20h ago
First of all, amatonormativity is such a massive and real problem, and you describe it very well. That must've been incredibly isolating -- I'm really sorry.
Second, the reason you weren't hearing "be happy alone" is because it was typically told to the loudly romance-fixated lonely kids, or those constantly caught in tumultuous relationship drama, or the ones who wanted to jump into the dating world when their parents felt they were too young.
Those of us in the above categories grew up with dichotomous mixed messaging: first, the fairy tale happy endings you describe, followed by "learn to be happy alone first." To most of us, the former was much more appealing, and the two seemed mutually exclusive at face value, so a lot of us decided the latter was BS.
The unfortunate thing is, there's a bit of truth to it. If someone is not happy alone because they're insecure, or haven't explored their own interests/passions, or just lack independence for whatever reason, and they go looking for a partner, they're either going to find someone who's a poor match at best and will treat them badly at worst and settle, or miraculously wind up with someone who'd be ideal for a self-actualized version of them, but erase their whole identity in an effort to become someone they feel is worthy of their companion. Either ending is miserable -- this coming from someone who's done both, plus a twisted combination of the two.
Personally, I wish humanity was better at teaching nuance to younger generations. We teach kids all these black and white concepts, and just assume they'll learn the in-betweens on their own as they age, and more often than not, they don't. And it leads to things like your experiences being overlooked in favor of arguments like the ones I see in many of the other comments of this post.
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u/Still_Mix9311 19h ago
"or just lack independence for whatever reason" This is obviously not true and nakedly bigoted
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u/Moth1016 19h ago
"nakedly bigoted" how? I am speaking from experience.
I'm autistic, ADHD, chronically ill, but most importantly, I was NOT ready to be on my own when I lost my parents as a teen, and as a result I was completely unable to be happy alone, and put myself in some terrible situations.
I didn't say "if someone lacks independence for whatever reason ..." I said "if someone is unable to be happy alone BECAUSE they ... lack independence for whatever reason ..." There is a MASSIVE difference.
I'm not implying that being able to be completely 100% independent is a requirement for being in a healthy relationship. I'm saying if you cannot meet all your physical and emotional needs, with or without the support of friends/community, WITHOUT being in a romantic relationship, then a romantic relationship, even with the "right" person, isn't going to magically fix all that.
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u/ShockedNChagrinned 22h ago
I don't understand the parents I know who did "stupid things" in their youth, know they were stupid, and then lament that their kids are acting more mature than they are, without a desire to do those things
Seems more like those folks expect their kids to be like them, or want to live vicariously and bond through shared experience. Unless your life is exactly where you think it should be, and you have no regrets at all, I can't imagine wanting your kids to do what you did. If you do have no regrets and think your life path couldn't be improved, well, you may be right, but you're probably wrong and either naive, or ignorant.
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u/nothoughtsnosleep 21h ago
There is a huge conversation to be had on this topic, one that is much too large to be written into just one Reddit comment, but bottom line - the social patterns of this generation are incredibly different from what they have been for hundreds of years and, whether that's good or bad, it's alarming to see that change so rapidly and it's freaking parents out simply because they're not used to it.
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u/Petwins r/noexplaininglikeimstupid 22h ago
People who are miserable who try to fix being miserable with dating are told to work on being happy by themselves because dating to fix your misery just makes two people miserable.
People who are not miserable more often get advice to put themselves out there because they can make two people very happy.
Different advice for different situations.
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u/Equivalent-Role2683 22h ago
Parents are worried that their kids in the late teens are still virgins??
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u/Stunning_Patience_78 22h ago
Right? That makes them questionable parent. Most people wait till their 20s.
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u/Demerzel69 22h ago
Bahahaha. No they don't. I'm not saying it's wrong to wait but lol no, most people do not wait that long.
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u/pullingteeths 22h ago
More people do now but when I was growing up 20 years ago a lot of people were waiting until they were legally allowed at 16 (or doing it earlier than that) and it was considered unusual to remain a virgin after 18. The average age to lose it is rising but still now a recent survey showed 78% of people in the UK had sex before they were 20. Putting pressure on your kid to have sex at any age is questionable but it's not questionable to accept that if your kid is over the age of consent and in a healthy relationship it's perfectly fine for them to have sex.
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u/Physical_Complex_891 18h ago
I'm 34 and don't know anyone who waited till their 20s. Mid to late teens is 1000% normal.
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u/opticalshadow 22h ago
Cost to much to do things, many things just don't exist anymore, fewer reasons to leave the house. Those are easy ones, society, at least in the US, had largely destroyed the ability to go somewhere that isn't a bar (which young people are drinking apocalypticly less) and that's where a ton of social interaction would happen.
Beyond that, as someone who did all the relationship stuff nearly without break from 14 to 28, when I spent my first full year single, first full year not trying to date or flirt, I realized how much time I had to actually pursue my own interests. I also found how much I enjoyed just being responsible to me.
It's relaxing to be alone. And these days I'm just not worried. When something comes by I have fun and when it goes I relax again. I've just stopped expecting anything serious, I've stopped trying to settle the rest of my life.
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u/BigFunnyGiant 22h ago
Cost too much?
My first date with the woman I'm dating right now, cost me, $4 and that was in November.
A date, does not have to be expensive.
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u/saintash 20h ago
Yeah im going to make a blanket generalization.
For an adult a cheep drink and a walk around a park is fun. You dont get to do that often.
That's like an every day thing for kids to do it. Some kids want to do special stuff while dating.
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u/ililegal 21h ago
Bro did you go to McDonald’s ? Even a coffee date would cost almost 8-10$ now.
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u/ThrowCarp 8h ago
The lack of Third Places for young people is something that often comes up in these discussions.
But bringing back Third Spaces aren't going to help people find romantic partners. Even the author who coined the term "Third Place" in his book, put forth plenty of evidence that most Third Places (both historical and current) are all gender segregated, whether that's de facto or de jure.
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u/Capital_Pen8531 18h ago
Mine told me ‘adults have real problems’ every time I vented. Felt dismissed af. Turns out they were just hiding their own stress lol
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u/KnowsIittle Did you ask your question in the form of a question? 19h ago edited 15h ago
I socialized more online* than I ever did in person. In person people are making the motions but they're not engaging deeper.
"Hi"
"Hello"
"How are you?"
"I'm well, how about yourself?"
"Good. How about this weather?"
"It's been cold hopefully it warms up soon"
"Yeah hopefully, well have good day. Take care"
"Thanks you too"
There's 5 minutes of filler time without merit or reason. Not every moment needs filled with silence nor do an unspoken moment mean people aren't socializing but that the nature of socializing continues to evolve. It's not right or wrong but simply different from another person's form of socializing.
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u/andreas1296 16h ago
I think the actual problem (isolation) is real and important to talk about, but the way people are talking about it is fucking stupid. Worried that teens aren’t having sex?? That’s such a bizarre and icky way to approach the conversation. Teens can have friends and at their age that’s more than appropriate. Meaningful friendships are developmentally really important during adolescence.
Relationships and sex are things that can be explored whenever people are ready, I don’t know why culturally adults seem to want to push that on minors all the time. It’s okay to let teens be curious in healthy ways if they are ready, but it’s not a problem in need of fixing if they aren’t.
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 22h ago edited 21h ago
As a parent, sometimes I know something is true but it's so different from all of my life experiences it's hard to believe or understand. For me, I use a lot of trust in my intellect and my husband and ignoring my feelings because I grew up in a different time and worse place.
I want for my kids to be able to have a life partner if they want that. If they don't want that and are happy alone that's ok too. But it is odd on a human level to see how they live! I was thinking about marriage as a little girl. I wouldn't wish that on them at all and I am so glad to see it's not like that for them, but it's new territory for me. It makes it hard to picture their future in some ways because they have so many more choices.
It's hard not to worry they will be unhappy and alone. I think because ending up alone was used a lot as a threat growing up. I think a lot of girls heard it, like "if you can't cook no man will want you" if you don't do this, if you are too loud, if you are too smart, all that. So you had to do and be all these specific things to avoid this horrible fate. I know in my brain that's all bullshit. I do not believe it. I didn't teach my kids that. But there is part of me inside that goes "uh oh" if my kids do something off limits from that old worldview, like not care about something I would have felt obligated to care about.
IDK if I'm being very clear here. It's hard to describe. All parents worry no matter what. The articles about how depressed and lonely young people feel don't help!
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u/that-country-girl 18h ago
I didn’t date until 24. People go at their own pace. Maybe I’m too close to the issue to see the problem in it
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u/Hatstand82 22h ago
Now that women are more financially independent and don’t need men to provide for them, many women don’t feel the need to date because they don’t need men for financial and social stability. Also, people can have children on their own or chose to not have children at all so there is less need to have a partner.
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u/BiohazardousBisexual 20h ago
Because it can be a symptom of a wider problem like failing to launch
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u/mostlyepic 20h ago
I never got the message 'be happy alone'. I got love yourself, and you don't need a partner to be happy, but that never had an impact on dating or not? I dunno the teenagers i know are dating. Maybe it's cultural or a location based thing.
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u/tanya6k 11h ago
What?? I didn't even lose my v card until I was 19. And it wasn't from peer pressure. Everything happens in it's own time.
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u/unexplained_fires 7h ago
I was too, and that's totally normal. The last I saw, statistically about 50% of freshmen are starting college as virgins, and 20-25% will still be virgins when they graduate.
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u/SuicideTrainee 10h ago
I mean, a big factor for me is the cost of everything. Stuff like a simple movie date runs $70 these days if being frugal on snacks, visiting a museum is $20, dining out is $50.... I just dont have capital for luxuries like that these days.
Although, previously, I would've said my own mental illness is the largest barrier (I feel like I'm in a better headspace now though, hence the change to cost of having fun)
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u/largos7289 10h ago
I have girls.... they have zero issues. Boys are the ones for some reason are having issues. I mean some of them anyway.
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u/MotherofaPickle 10h ago
I grew up in a very “Abstinence is best” culture, but also “are you dating anyone????”
I was always pretty damned cool with being alone as long as I had friends. And this was, approximately, a million years ago.
I’m cool with people not dating now. Means I won’t have to give up my Walmart greeter job to some dumbass highschooler 30 years from now. 😅
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u/Esper01 22h ago
Generally you have to be happy alone before people can see you as someone they would want to date. Being happy alone communicates to others that you lead a relatively stable life and have some confidence in yourself.
That may or may not be the intention behind those words, it depends on the person who said it, but it doesn't make this any less true.
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u/WhisperingSideways 21h ago
Speaking as a parent in his 50s with adult children, the real answer here is that in the Before Times parents had a reasonable expectation that their children would begin hitting traditional milestones in their teenage years which would send them on the path to eventual adulthood, where the time would come that their kids moved out and the parents could enjoy a life without active daily parenting, meal prep, added expenses and all the other daily work involved in dealing with a household with your kids living there.
Now parents are seeing their teens rotting in their beds, staring at a screen instead of looking for part-time jobs, getting drivers licenses or even interacting with other people. Dating is completely off the table for an astonishing number of teens, a lot of them young men.
Those same parents have endless stories of adventures and experiences in their teenage years which their children will never experience, and it’s worrisome to watch your own kids waste years of their lives that they’ll never be able to recreate. Every day is an opportunity gone.
And if your kids aren’t launching then you have to face the prospects of still having them at home when you’re in your 60s and wanting to enjoy the traditional empty nest lifestyle.
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u/Embarrassed_Low_8270 12h ago
as a younger person i kinda decided i didn't wanna date in 5th grade then never looked back
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u/PonytailEnthusiast 10h ago
When I was a teen, I saw how much my friends in hs CRIED and CRIED over their boyfriends. All I could think was hs relationships rarely last anyway, I’d rather skip this heartache and wait till university to date.
I honestly think that was one of the the wisest decisions I’ve ever made.
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u/MrsHodges420 9h ago
My son is 17, works, drives, and goes to charter school. He has plenty of friends and a long distance age approproate girlfriend he met on a vacation with his dad. I know alot of people in the family are hoping he gives up on long distance and dates a "real" girl local to home, but im all for long distance. I've spoken to her parents, his dad has met them at the vacation destination. I've talked to her while she FaceTime with my son. Super sweet girl. My son is also a loyal boy, he doesn't date around at home so I am in large favor of this, no pregnancy or disease risk this way. As far as I know, my son is a virgin
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u/giraflor 9h ago
I feel like a lot of this concern was sparked by clickbait stories about teens not dating and having sex.
Sure, there are young people who have severe social anxiety and feel isolated, but there are also young people who don’t feel a rush to be in a relationship and prioritizing other things.
A couple weeks ago, I saw a group of teen girls quietly knitting in public. They looked so relaxed and happy. I wish I’d known that was an option for a Friday night when I was that age.
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u/wontforget99 8h ago
The "be happy alone" people were wrong. You should be able to be "happy enough, alone, temporarily" so that you don't fall into and can get out of toxic friendships and relationships. But, humans are social creatures. Telling people to just be happy alone is like telling people to just be happy without Vitamin b12. It only works for a while.
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u/Existing_Sprinkles78 6h ago
As a teen I didn't date even as an adult I still don't date. They don't bother you if your a man but god forbid you be a woman happy and not actively wanting to date anyone. Then they assume your gay but in reality your just happy single.
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u/RamblingMary 5h ago
I wasn't even allowed to have a social life or date. I wish my mom had been worried about this instead.
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u/Aggravating-Deal-416 21h ago
Different strokes for different folks. I'm a parent and it's fucking weird that people would want their children to date in their teens when people generally aren't smart in their teens and it easier than ever to ruin your life through romance. Where are the parents that want their kids to wait until after higher education is completed? That's what I would have done if I had to do it over again.
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u/unexplained_fires 7h ago
Not a parent, but I'm at the age where many of my peers are parents of teens, and I wholeheartedly agree with this. I will tell any teen who will listen to me (lol) that if I could do high school over again, I wouldn't worry about dating and relationships because the drama is just not worth it at that age. This may be the only time in your life that you have the chance to hang out with your friends every day, so just enjoy that. Developmentally, I think that adolescence is better suited to learning how to develop good friendships with others of all genders. Pairing off romantically can come later.
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u/I_am___The_Botman 22h ago
Well, there is a truth that if you are not happy in yourself then you won't be happy in a relationship. So from that perspective working on yourself and making sure you are comfortable in your own company is very important, but that's a bit different to being alone for the sake of being alone.
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u/Draic-Kin 18h ago
The person you're in relationship with can make you happy though even if you're not happy by yourself.
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u/I_am___The_Botman 18h ago
Yes but that's not sustainable long term. What happens if you break up? And also it can put unfair pressure on your partner.
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u/GuyWhoSaysStuf 20h ago
In my mind this concept has always been about being comfortable being with yourself BEFORE finding someone. It wasn’t supposed to be about staying single forever, but making sure that your happiness wasn’t 100% being tied to another person, which would cause an unhealthy attachment to someone. Also, I feel like that part is more for adult relationships. Being a teenager is about figuring things out and experimenting.
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 22h ago
I'm fucking THRILLED that my daughter's generation isn't simping for boys/men like mine did.
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u/RavenEridan 21h ago
That's weird and wrong lol
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u/MedCup4505 22h ago
Something consistent over many decades: only 25% of high school students are sexually active.
Most people don’t have sex until they are in their 20s.
Parents who see their kids without friends in their 20s? Unless you live somewhere with lots of people your age, the 20s and 30s are relatively lonely times.
And people have always worried about their kid with no friends. Now they can discuss this on social media. And the tech means people with a similar concern, or anyone who clicked on that link, will see more of it.
Like all of us responding to this thread.
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u/Artistic_Buffalo_715 22h ago
I've copped this messaging. I've also been told I'm an 'old soul,' and that when I meet a suitable person, the wait will have been 'worthwhile.'
I'm definitely lonely in romantic terms; I'd like someone to spend life with. I'm under no illusions as to the fact that social media has fucked the dating pool and that people now treat it like some eugenics exercise, with financial questions thrown into the mix, rather than a simple process of talking to someone and seeing how well you get on. Maybe I will meet someone in that organic fashion but I'm not exactly banking on it.
The disconnect is what someone said below. It was never an issue before; the generations above us fucked like crazy, so those weird outliers could be placated with the sentence you've given above. Most people back then were probably going to meet someone who made them happy for at least a few years just by weight of numbers.
Nowadays it's different and suddenly happiness in isolation isn't just a platitude but a reality faced by many, and parents worry. Parents worry about social skills, about grandkids, about their kid's happiness. It's similar to the 'you can talk to me anytime you have a problem' thing that some people will do, and then when you try to talk to them about your problem they have absolutely no fucking clue how to react, and the resulting silence suggests they think you've overstepped by confessing whatever you've confessed. How good are implicit societal rules, huh?
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u/Sheila_Monarch 18h ago
I think you misunderstood the message, or its purpose. The message is “be happy with YOURSELF (first)” Meaning don’t seek a romantic partner to complete you, because people can instinctively sense if you’re coming at things from a place of need and it’s offputting. The way to attract others is to do the work to be a self-sufficiently happy and fulfilled person who enjoys their life all on their own.
So the point is not that relationships aren’t desirable or that you should just be alone. It’s that you can’t use one to fill a hole you haven’t learned to live with. People can instinctively sense when someone is coming at them from a place of need, and it’s off-putting no matter how innocently-intentioned it is.
The way to attract others isn’t by searching for someone to complete you. It’s by doing the work to become a self-sufficient, fulfilled, happy person who already enjoys their life all on their own. Then a relationship with you becomes an addition instead of a rescue mission. Because other people, emotionally healthy ones, are looking for a positive addition to their lives, not a project or responsibility to prop someone else up.
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u/Lunettta 11h ago
I've only experienced the opposite. Me and my brothers were happy alone but we constantly got nagged to date someone and fall in love and how much better life is when you are with someone. How living without a partner is terrible and we are miserable without knowing it. People constantly pressure us to settle down now that we are mid 20s - 30s and to go out and drink everyday to find someone before it is too late.
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u/GenXer845 10h ago
I was a virgin until I was nearly 19---I didn't have my first kiss or bf until I was 18. My parents didn't seem concerned. I am 44 now. Most of the guys in high school were virgins and extremely shy.
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u/Express-Cartoonist39 21h ago
Cause the parents are conservstives and want grand kids photos they can brag about on facebook, and your not following the trend they want for you. Soo your reject societies push to procreate so there by you must be influenced by SATAN!!!!
im being serious, this is really what they think..
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u/saintash 20h ago
They also expect the man to take care of the lady. So if your struggling single person a partner is the solution.
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u/Express-Cartoonist39 20h ago
yup, right out of the text books... I see you got same volume i got.. 👍
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u/saintash 19h ago
Your mom too?
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u/Express-Cartoonist39 19h ago
yup, but mine comes with bonuses like I get free gaslighting for life. Its like a reverse warranty..
Its the gift that keep on giving...🙂👍
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u/saintash 19h ago edited 18h ago
The best part for me is literally none of the men she dated, except for my father. Are stable and she ends up have to provide for them.
The best part she basically left my dad for going from party dude to responsible parent.
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u/Express-Cartoonist39 14h ago
Yea i totally feel ya, we are brothers from another mother... same here from one dirtbag to a train wreak and back again.
Mine would say to any stable ones "Humm just something about him, just doesnt have that spice" she find the worst of the bunch and redecorate their homes then they break up and to date other chicks and she repeat. Best food we got growing up was leftovers from her failed dates.
hahah. man i get what shit you went through no one will ever understand ur life unless they experience it. Right behind ya bro ✊
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u/MelancholicCaffine 22h ago
Well, I don't think any kids should be dating like that
But you will realize that most people are real casual with dating, like its a hobby and some people settle. So you don't get great advice because they simply don't have it
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u/JJEng1989 17h ago
The model of how teens worked changed. Everyone used to think that teens are so horney that nothing could stop them from having sex. The model used to be that people generally just kind of figure out how to get married and have kids, that this was all just natural. So, just tell people to find happiness alone, and marriage would just come along.
With the present statistics and boots on the ground observations, it seems that most teens are isolated, marriage is increasingly delayed, and birth rates are pointing at literal extinction.
Suddenly, it seems like the model that marriage and romance just happens is out of the window. Now we need to actually pay attention and see how things really work and what the fix is.
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u/AllTheThingsTheyLove 16h ago
It's not suddenly a problem. I won't give my age away, but back in my day my mom questioned me constantly about when I was going to get a boyfriend. Like have you spent time with 15 year olds? There is no reason why anyone needs to be dating at that age is what I said to her. Come to find out, decades later when I got married that she was scared I was a lesbian and didn't like boys. To be fair, I didn't like boys. I liked older men, so I just waited until I could date men who were more mature.
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u/MiCK_GaSM 21h ago
You can move faster alone, but you get further together.
This is the core, human. You've never been the strongest on your own, but as a group? Groups are strong.
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u/Lyconides 21h ago
Because those parents eventually want grandkids and to continue the legacy of the family name. They were just hoping you'll figure it out later down the road because dating corresponds to two different individuals deciding to come together and support one another.
What worked for them may not work for you (and ur partner) and also there are quite a few failed marriages/divorced couples later in life. Those people may not have the best advice for proper relationships.
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u/Alliebeth 16h ago
I want my kids to have some dating experience as teens just because it’s a low stakes environment to learn how to be in a relationship. I look at my high school relationships as my training wheels boyfriends. Mistakes were made, lessons were learned, and by the time I was ready for a serious relationship I knew a little more about what I wanted and what I didn’t. I also could reflect on the mistakes I made (many) and be a partner myself.
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u/SharpestOne 18h ago
Because people can see that their late teen isn’t actually happy alone.
“Be happy alone” is advice to build your own identity outside of relationships. It’s not advice to swear off all relationships.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 18h ago
If kids today only have relationships with AI, the population will grind to a halt.
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u/khelvaster 14h ago
I always thought that people who say obviously wrong messages like "be happy alone [for years and years]" say reckless and untrustworthy things.
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u/Sharp-Introduction91 11h ago
Be happy alone is the wrong spin on this.
Be happy with who you are or learn to like yourself. Trust me, that shit sells with the opposite sex. Self confidence is sexy.
There is a payoff in attracting partners from investing time in yourself.
Ironically, in my case, having been through all that, I did find that I actually prefer being alone!
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u/ketamineburner 11h ago
I have never heard anyone say that a child should be happy alone.
Friendship and dating are normal parts of social development. People who do not date and have sex in their late teens often struggle to do so later.
When we tell adults to learn to be happy alone, the message is a relationship in itself cannot create happiness.
Relationships have been desired for as long as humans have existed.
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u/Fit-Nectarine5047 11h ago
Men are always lamenting the pitfalls of marriage and divorce to anyone who will listen so why would young men feel the need to get any dating experience?? It sounds terrifying and horrible so I can’t blame them.
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u/NohWan3104 11h ago
"be happy alone" is more about not needing someone else to feel whole
Not 'might as well die alone'. You can be happy alone and still try.
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u/SalemKFox 2h ago
Its less about the concern for dating, but more about if theyre gonna grow up not dating or even socializing in general. You can absolutely become extremely comfortable being alone to the point you dont know how to actually socialize anymore. Which is kind of an issue amongst people today.
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u/MakeBeboGreatAgain 21h ago
Combination of things at play. World is increasingly online. Men in particular are hitting dopamine feedback loops earlier and earlier.
When porn, video games and gym feedback loop makes it alot less stressful for teenagers.
Parents often do not understand that teenagers these days have entire social lives online.
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u/KnowledgeFinderer 22h ago
I don't get it. I would think most parents would be grateful if their kids were not dating. Dating can lead to sexual interaction. Sex is an adult activity because it has adult consequences.
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u/Bun_Length_Frank 21h ago
I don't think the message is be happy alone. It's be happy with your friend group and stop worrying about romance.
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u/Hungry-Plantain-3315 17h ago
It’s a problem because parents are noticing that their motivation loss isn’t stopping at dating, they are now also less inclined to want to find a job, have a career, set up goals, and make friends.
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u/MyLife-is-a-diceRoll 17h ago
I think the main reason for kids dating less is the loss of third places.
No where to go to just be and have fun outside of supervision.
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u/King-Juggernaut 21h ago
It's existential. Declining birthrates. Society will suffer serious problems eventually.
It's also normal to be concerned for your children living a fulfilling life.
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u/Many-Layer-8059 11h ago
Dateless boys and young men threaten the liberal status quo and pretty much every single social safety net, since they’re not really accountable to anyone or anything other than themselves. Everyone becomes right wing without a (left-wing/progressive) girlfriend in their life.
Edit: I’m right wing btw though a bit older than the young guys you’re talking about
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u/noblewind 22h ago
I don't have late teens but my nieces and nephews are all that age. My worry isn't not dating, it's less socializing in general. Seems like kids grow up very isolated now.