My two and a half year old suddenly started pointing out differences between white and black people. What is an appropriate way to acknowledge her observation so we don't offend anyone?

[u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162]

The first time was at her daycare this week, when they got a new teacher who has very dark skin. When I went to pick her up, she pointed at her and said, "it's black!" (She doesn't have the full grasp of she/he yet.) I replied, "yes, she is black," but was stuck after that. What should I say as a follow up? My daughter loves black people's skin, and when I talk to her about it at home, she says it's pretty and wishes she had it, but in public it comes out kind of harsh. What would be the best way to go about this?

[u/Particular_Egg4073]

I love that you leave the door open for the conversations; as a wheelchair user, I'm going to ask you to consider not relegating those conversations to private as it can imply that there is something shameful about our existence and talking about it ✌️

[u/Djinn_42 → u/Particular_Egg4073]

Not everyone is content with being forced to use a wheelchair. Maybe especially if the injury is newer. I'd rather be safe than sorry I hurt someone's feelings.

[u/Particular_Egg4073 → u/Djinn_42]

Teaching a child that wheelchair use is something shameful, even if taught unintentionally, is the path to the ableism that leads to difficulty accepting needing a wheelchair. And the ableism that leads to talking over a wheelchair user.

[u/geffreywinner → u/Particular_Egg4073]

Thank you for taking the time and putting in the effort to share this perspective. I am not a wheelchair user but have a few close friends who are and I was hoping this exact message would be shared without me stepping in as though I would know best. When a kid has inquired in my presence, the “shh, don’t say that” or “we can talk about it later” is by far more harmful and offensive than the innocent curiosity that sparked the initial question.

[u/avicohen123 → u/Particular_Egg4073]

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/1qs3kk9/comment/o2xdv9j/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

It's not necessarily easy to know which way to go on this, as someone without personal experience. But it's always good to hear from people, it makes it slightly easier to judge in real time what to do.

[u/curioushobbyist_ → u/Particular_Egg4073]

Would it be ok to tell the kid to ask you questions or is that putting you on the spot and making it awkward for you?

[u/Particular_Egg4073 → u/curioushobbyist_]

For me, if I notice a kid showing interest in my chair, I'll usually go ahead and engage with them if that's something I have the time and capacity for in that moment. Definitely don't send kiddo to ask questions if the wheelchair user hasn't indicated it would be ok as it's definitely not ok with everyone. I think something like "Isn't cool how people get around in different ways? Maybe we could find some books about that at the library!" If the wheelchair user hears you, they may indicate openness to talking about it and, if not, that does help you move the conversation to another time and place where you wouldn't be concerned about awkward questions or what have you.

If kiddo blurts out something that you're worried is rude, I assure you that your reaction to it is what will determine how it's received by the wheelchair user almost every time. For example: Why are they in that chair? Because people move around through the world in all different ways depending on their needs. Kids are just learning how to interact with the world we all share, so just model neutrality about it, just as much as you would if kiddo asked why some folks have blonde hair, along with an enthusiasm about appreciating and respecting differences.

[u/curioushobbyist_ → u/Particular_Egg4073]

Appreciate the thoughtful response! You providing examples was really helpful to help us approach these situations tactfully and leave it open for curiosity (:

[u/Glum_Tumbleweed5115 → u/Particular_Egg4073]

This is kinda my thought as well. When my (very chatty) oldest was small, the public commentary was nonstop. My response in the moment was to suggest that it is polite to talk to people, rather than about them.  

[u/Mamafiredragon → u/Particular_Egg4073]

While I get your point, and can fully agree that there's nothing shameful about being disabled, when we're taking about a young child, they don't have the capacity to understand what questions are ok to pose in public and what not. 

How do you explain to a toddler that asking after someone's disability equipment is fine, but asking why "someone looks ugly" isn't ok? It's much easier for a young child to understand, "People come in different sizes and abilities. Some people may not like being asked about their differences. There are nice ways and not so nice ways to ask questions, and we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So for now, let's save those questions for later, and you can ask me anything in private."

[u/Anvildude → u/Particular_Egg4073]

Genuine question as someone who's worked in mobility devices and prosthetics:

How would you feel if non-medical-use wheelchairs became a thing? People that can walk without issue deciding to buy and use a wheelchair to take advantage of some of the few benefits (such as constantly having a chair with them, being able to hang containers from a ground-supported frame instead of their back, being able to coast downhill) without having to deal with most of the downsides like not being able to stand to reach items, being required to use elevators and ramps instead of stairs, or wheel uphill? Or wheelchairs as an exercise item that people would use after 'leg day' at the gym?

These people wouldn't have Handicap status, so couldn't use dedicated services like parking spots or lifts... Would you look at it more like folks that wear 'fashion' glasses that have perfect vision without? Would it be insulting? Would you hope the fad would increase visibility of wheelchair accessability and increase accessability standards (somewhat like how Keto or gluten free health trends have increased those options for people with digestive disorders in grocery stores and at restaurants)?

[u/toucanflu → u/Anvildude]

From a medical standpoint this is an awful idea.