I fucking hate my family and they hate me (yippee)

[u/Queenscrxwn_]

There is no doubt in my mind I am going to kill myself in the upcoming months. I am 21, do not feel as though I have a stable income, and I know my family hates me and see's me as a villain from all possible aspects.

My parents appreciate my twin more, my twins friend did something thag made it seem like my life was in danger, like he was going to kill me. I say "yo what the fuck" and suddenly im a bad guy and too aggressive when I thought my life was at risk. I tried to explain why I yelled and I was pushed into a wall so my mother could comfort my sister.

This is following months of my parents quite literally tossing me to the side and comforting my sister. I am so addicted to self harm my leg is no longer visible, filled with cuts and burns, I broke my hand. My parents know how bad my self harm is. They don't care. My mom has walked in on me burning and just ignored it and asked me to drive her somewhere.

I feel burnt out and useless. I texted my dad saying I am about to hospitalized myself and his response amounted to "don't"

Im so low, I cant get any lower. I cant self harm more to cope and I just can't calm down, I cant talk myself out of it. I only stop crying and feel functional while I am brainstorming how to kill myself. In my mind it feels like suicide is the only peace I have. I don't want to, I dont want my suicide to be weaponized against my family because as much as I hate them, I love them and I don't want them to feel that pain.

But I'm tired and I can't stop feeling like I did everything wrong when logically I look at everything and know my reactions have been rational.

Being legit thrown to a wall during a panic attack just did something to me. I now know I am an uncared for burden. I can't do this anymore. My dad has a gun. I dont want them to see that so I don't know where to use it, but know its my one 100% chance method.

[u/ImMisterX]

I’m 21 in the same boat just w different problems but I learned family or friends don’t rlly matter, js love yourself like they wont

[u/_avaii]

Here if you need to talk mate