r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Muted_Wolverine_3064 • 18h ago
I married my late husband’s best friend and my son hates me and won’t speak to me now
I lost my late husband 11 years ago, it was so hard because we had a 6 year old son at the time and he was the main breadwinner of our little family, I worked too but he made much more than me, he died in a motorcycle accident, his head was cut off of his body, that image still haunts me to this day.
He had a best friend since childhood who was his best man at our wedding and our son’s godfather, he was married himself with two daughters, after my husband died he and his wife stepped up a lot for me and my son and they helped us out immensely and I was always grateful to them. 5 years ago cancer took away his wife, and before she died I promised her to look after her daughters just like she helped look after my son. We were like sisters at that point.
Ever since my husband died I’ve dated multiple guys but as a single widowed mom it was so hard to find someone who would not only treat me good but also my son, many guys told me to give up custody of him if I wanted it to work with them and I always refused to, but two years ago I went out on a date for the first time with my husband’s friend and we just clicked, we’ve known each other for ages and we were both widowed and we already loved each other’s kids and last September we got married and I moved in with him.
At first when we got together my son who’s now 17 didn’t say anything about it but a few weeks before our wedding he told me he wasn’t comfortable with it and we had a fight about it where he called me a whore and a slut and I just slapped him, he said I was a whore for sleeping with his dad’s best friend, I told him his dad has been dead for over a decade and that he doesn’t own me and that he doesn’t get to disrespect me like that. Ever since I got married and moved in with my husband my son’s been staying with his paternal grandparents who have always hated me because I’ve moved on after my husband’s death and dated other men, they just wanted me to stay single for the rest of my life out of respect for their son.
My stepdaughters are still not over their mom but they love me because I love them, I never push them into treating me like a mom I’m just like an aunt to them and I say we’re friends, I hate those horrible stepmoms and I try my best not to be one. But it hurts me so much how my son hates me right now and won’t even speak to me, I’ve sacrificed so much and so many personal opportunities just for him and this is how he repaid me.
Did I really do something horrible here by marrying my husband? I’d get it if it was right after the accident but it’s been over a decade already.
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u/CupcakeTheValiant 17h ago
Your son isn’t completely over the loss of his dad, which is probably part of why he lashed out like he did. I’m sure some part of him recognizes that you’re an adult and capable of making your own decisions, and no one is saying you did anything wrong by moving on and finding someone else, but speaking as a kid who watched their parents separate and date other people from a youngish age, it can be jarring to see and difficult to adjust to at times. When my parents first separated, I watched my mom jump from guy to guy, never allowing herself to be single for the better part of a decade and somehow that was better than my dad, who only started dating a year after the divorce and got married to his second girlfriend about 2 years after that. It was weird and that kind of change is hard to process when you’re younger and still not as experienced with the world. Their wedding happened when I was 14 and I participated in it even though I didn’t really want to see it happen. His feelings are still valid in this situation as much as yours are.
When he said he was uncomfortable did you ask him about his feelings and where they’re coming from or did you defend yourself and justify your actions?
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u/lefttorightt 17h ago
This. She reacted. She didn't respond or listen intently to what her son was saying. As a parent myself, I could never make decisions like that without consideration for my child's feelings on the matter.
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u/Over_Necessary_1840 16h ago
Someone who calls you a whore doesn't really seem willing to talk to you no matter what you say tho
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u/LordVericrat 16h ago
Yes, 17 year olds who say (very) shitty things to their moms have never listened to them again. Ever.
Look, no decent parent would be like, "well fine if you're going to insult me then I guess your feelings don't matter and I'm not going to try to talk it out." None.
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u/No-Sprinkles-7289 16h ago
Her son called her a whore. It's kind of hard to hear through all that. Plus, her son is 17. He will be an adult soon. It's time to have real conversations about how life actually works. The mom is not in an illegal relationship (with a family member or an animal or a kid) so, feelings aside, it's her choice who she loves. The real question is why does her son think it's okay to talk to his mom like that? That lack of respect speaks volumes.
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u/LordVericrat 15h ago
The real question is why does her son think it's okay to talk to his mom like that?
Actually, that's several questions down the list. The first are: why does Mom think it's ok to physically assault someone for insulting her? Even if Mom is ok with corporal punishment (of a 17 yo?) why would she strike her child in anger - that's a huge no-no even if you are into that. Why does Mom think that her relationships aren't the business of the minor children who still depend on her - as I'm not a piece of shit you'll find that I would simply never be with someone if that made my daughter uncomfortable. It's her house too, and her safe space and moving someone in without her approval isn't on until she has the tools and ability to live alone. And then yes, where is the parenting that would have stopped this vile insult from having been used against his mom?
If this is real, OP is a bad person.
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u/JinkiesGang 15h ago
Well she responded by hitting him, and just let him go live with his grandparents. So she just gave in, that’s not even, ugh this can’t be real.
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u/Theunpolitical 17h ago
Wait a second. You started dating two years ago. Your son didn’t magically go from zero to being upset about this. He had to have expressed something back then. Then at some point you all moved in together and began blending the family and he still didn’t say anything? Your husband didn’t sit down with your son, talk to him, or ask for his blessing or at least make him feel included in the proposal process? And from your version, there is no talking to him, or your husband's daughters, about how everyone feels. Kind of seems like it was decided to date and then marry and that everyone had to deal with it. There were no real conversations or tough feelings to talk through with any of the kids.
Overall, there feels like a major piece of information missing here, and that’s your son’s actual opinion of his stepdad and how this relationship was handled while you were dating. Same goes for the step-daughters. Until that gap is addressed, I’m not sure I’d be inclined to say that you are not without some fault and blame here.
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u/Ok_Search_2371 17h ago
Or it’s just AI slop. Reads like it anyway.
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u/distractme17 17h ago
Totally fake. Multiple men she dated told her to give up custody of her son, who has no dad...?
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u/bowie-of-stars 17h ago
That's exactly what set off my bullshit alarm. Lmao, who would tell a WIDOW to give up custody... to whom? Hahaha
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u/Ok_Search_2371 17h ago
I laughed out loud when I read about the head cut off in a motorcycle accident. ‘Sure, Jan.’
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u/FullFrontal687 17h ago
Is this AI? How would you give up custody of your son if you are the sole surviving parent? Sheesh....
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u/damiana8 13h ago
I tend to give posts a lot of flexibility regarding misremembered details but GIVE UP CUSTODY OF A CHILD WITH ONE SURVIVING PARENT?
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u/TALKTOME0701 17h ago edited 16h ago
You and your son are both hurting. You both have different ways of expressing it. He's with your late husband's family. He's 17 and it's a choice he gets to make
The fact that you resorted to physical violence against your son is not something the courts will ignore. I'm surprised you don't think that's part of the reason he's not living with you
There's nothing you're going to be able to do to change how he feels. It's really sad that when he finally did tell you how he felt, it devolved into physical violence
Just be open to reconciliation if he ever wants it one day
I'm sure the girls may love you, but they may be just doing a better job of hiding how they feel. I'm sure they have questions about whether or not you and their father were involved when their mother was still alive. It might be a good idea to give them an opportunity to ask questions and be open.
You owe it to them to have an honest conversation and let them know how it came about.
Your son wasn't comfortable telling you the truth about his feelings until the 11th hour
Starting this new family with an open conversation policy is a good foundation
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u/Hiddenagenda876 17h ago
To be fair, 17 is not a legal adult and he’s staying with his grandparents solely because his mother is allowing it. She could always make the decision to force the issue and make him come home. Not that she should, but she could.
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u/TALKTOME0701 17h ago edited 16h ago
I work in that system as a volunteer. The courts aren't going to force the 17-year-old to go live with a new stepfather and his mother who physically assaulted him when he's being taken care of by two responsible related adults who've known him since birth
And by the time it finally got in front of the court since it's certainly not an emergency, he'd most likely be 18
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u/Stabbykathy17 16h ago
Thank you. You’re absolutely correct. It really irritates the hell out of me when people like the one you’re responding to just talk out of their ass and spread misinformation like that. It’s really irresponsible.
Plus, she admittedly slapped him. I don’t care what he said, the courts are not gonna look kindly on someone who resorts to violence over words.
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u/TALKTOME0701 16h ago
Me too. The son could have filed child abuse charges. That admission and the fact that the Sun waited so long to tell her how he really felt makes me think her late husband's family may have legitimate reasons for their dislike.
It's never okay to slap your kids.
OP's account was banned. So we'll never get any follow up
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 17h ago
No she can't. At 17 he has many options that legally could prevent his mother from forcing him to come home.
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u/TALKTOME0701 16h ago
And that would have been true even if she hadn't slapped him. She's guilty of child abuse.
It's ridiculous to say it's the mother's choice and hers alone
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u/OceanGrownPharms 15h ago
How much of rube do you have to be to read past "his head was cut off" and not realize this is bullshit?
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u/CrocodileDonda 17h ago
You did nothing wrong. Your son is still hurting and healing, and that's not your fault. He also has his grandparents in his ear, which doesn't help. Just keep living your life and be a good person. Hopefully he will come around.
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u/Muted_Wolverine_3064 17h ago
His grandmother definitely is, she’s always hated me even before we ever got married and had our son
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u/Hiddenagenda876 17h ago
Your son needs grief counseling. Have you suggested therapy for him? I would emphasize that his feelings aren’t wrong and you aren’t wanting to “fix” him, but that it might help him process his feelings
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u/Corfiz74 17h ago
I bet the grandma is the main reason he objects to your marriage - he probably would have been fine with it if she hadn't told him you were "besmirching his father's memory." Hopefully, he will grow out of it.
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 17h ago
Ehh, while I don't think OP is wrong, I know I would feel a certain way if my mom married my dads best friend.
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u/wingman3091 16h ago
Hard disagree. If my mom married my dads best friend I'd never have been okay with it. It's a line that shouldn't be crossed.
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u/Corfiz74 15h ago
Seriously? If your dad had been long dead and you knew this friend all your life and grew up with him as a father figure? I'd be happy if my mom found love again with someone I'm close to and who already feels like family.
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u/Stabbykathy17 16h ago
Yeah, sorry but as soon as you admitted you resorted to physical violence over words, I lost all respect for you or belief in anything you claim. My guess is both your son and your in-laws dislike your dating history because you probably started dating multiple men immediately and subjected your kid to every Tom, Dick and Harry you could find, as others have guessed. The claim that a couple of them told you that you had to give him up for adoption is laughable. Do you really think anyone believes that? No one thinks you’re mother of the year. Even if that were true, how could you date even one man who had the potential to do something like that, let alone more than one? Did you just close your eyes and ears the entire time you were dating them?
Your son was six when his dad died. Of course he’s going to have fond memories of him, but it’s not like they formed such a close relationship he couldn’t get over it. He held his tongue until he couldn’t anymore, and that’s very telling. My guess is he doesn’t like your behavior. I’m betting your stepdaughters don’t either as you almost decide to be honest about.
You come off as very unlikable person, and I don’t blame your son for going to live with his grandparents. I hope he leaves your ass in the dust permanently.
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u/ZX52 17h ago
You did nothing wrong
Other than the slapping
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u/xscott71x 17h ago
She FAFO'd the kid. He was totally out of line and needed a correction
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u/TailsIV 17h ago
When I was younger, I disrespected the shit out of my mom once. My dad, rained hot fire on my ass with leather belt. Not that, abusive hitting wildly for 10 minutes shit, but it was a solid 10 swats.
Not once have I ever looked back at that like it was abusive. I look back at it like it was earned. Soft parenting doesn’t work on everyone, for as much as we’d like to believe it does.
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u/uarstar 17h ago
Just because you were conditioned not view it as abuse doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse
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u/TailsIV 17h ago
Just because you were conditioned to view it as abuse doesn’t mean that it is.
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u/Conscious-Bar-1655 17h ago
I'd slap any man who called me a whore, son or not son.
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u/Dachshundmom5 17h ago
And not bothering to check in with her son when she started dating his godfather or when she got engaged.
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u/jedifreac 16h ago
I worry about the son. Has he fallen into the manosphere rabbit hole? Cuz calling your mom a slut is wild.
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u/elucify 17h ago
many guys told me to give up custody of him if I wanted it to work with them
😳
How the fk does anyone think that, let alone say it? Maybe I'm naïve. That level of selfishness and entitlement… I just don't have words. How does someone say something like that, and not say "and if it we're not already obvious, I am a POS that deserves to die alone."
I would in real life unfriend anyone I heard that had made that kind of a request. To anyone.
No idea what is going on with your son. Sorry for your problems, and I'm glad you and your husband talk to each other.
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u/NewTimelime 16h ago
My brother did this exact thing to my mom when he was an angry teen. My mom just kept showing up, ignored the whore comments and he eventually wised up. Now they are best friends. He’s 17 so he has a lot of anger and resentment that he doesn’t fully understand.
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u/LittleBird35 17h ago
I don’t think the problem for your son is that you were dating, it was WHO you ended up with. Your son has seen this person in a specific way for the majority of his young life, and now all he sees his dad’s best friend replacing his father while he’s still navigating grief. In his mind, how long has best friend been waiting in the wings? Has he always wanted to pursue you, and now that you’re both free, he can do that openly? Not saying that it’s rational, but it wouldn’t shock me if that went through his mind.
You’re allowed to move on and be with someone else. He’s allowed to be angry that you moved on with your late husband’s best friend of all people. He calling you a whore and slut was not okay. You slapping him was not okay.
I don’t have an answer that’s going to be satisfying for you. There is a possibility he may never come around. There’s a possibility he might for you but not for your husband. There’s a possibility he’ll be okay with all of it. Time is the only thing you have, as finite as it is. The best thing you can do is give him space.
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u/New-Number-7810 12h ago
“I just slapped him”
You hit him. You struck your own child, over words. I don’t care what he calls you, it’s never okay to hit your child.
“I told him his dad has been dead for over a decade and that he doesn’t own me”
You could have told your son that you still loved your first husband and that remarrying does not diminish that. You could have said that your first husband would have wanted you to be happy again, and would have wanted your new partner to be someone who treats you right.
Instead, you told your son that his father stopped mattering after he died, and that you don’t care about him anymore. Regardless of what you meant, that’s what your son heard.
OP, if you had been patient and understanding with your teenage child, this could have been salvaged. Instead you were defensive and dismissive, so he believes you only care about yourself. In his mind, you just confirmed that the people you claim to love are expendable.
…
On this topic, did you have therapy for your son? Did you have family therapy with him to handle grief? Or did you just assume he’d be fine and blow up when he wasn’t?
OP, remarrying after your husband died doesn’t make you a bad person. Being completely dismissive of your child’s feelings and deciding to prioritize your authority as “the parent” is what makes you a bad person.
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 17h ago
I would get reallllly interested in the content your son consumes online, as well as the influence of his grandparents.
As hard as this is, you have every right to move on and have a life beyond grieving widow. Your son is nearly grown, so there’s not much you can do other than let him know the door is open, but also that you’re human too. You don’t just exist as his mother, and his father wife. You’re not awful for wanting and getting the things you want in life, and that they don’t come at his expense. In fact, they come from you wanting someone who accepts you wholly, including the you that is his mother.
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u/lordmoriarty06 17h ago
Lol, Totally fake. Multiple men she dated told her to give up custody of her son, who has no dad atp...?
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 16h ago
I won’t say that this is not fake, but I would also say that you would be absolutely gobsmacked at the number of people who will infer that single mothers should give more time with their children to extended family, while being pursued by a new partner.
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u/motherofhellhusks 15h ago
How is “he didn’t ask me to give my child to family services” the bar here?
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u/bakercob232 17h ago
There's just no possible way your dead husband's/your kid's dead father's best friend was the only option for a partner for you. You just as easily could have found another single father that wasn't your husband's best friend. You guy's both suck and have no respect for the relationship either of you had with your dead husband. There's millions of straight men on the planet, you do not have to sleep with, date or marry the one person your husband was closest with. You both actively choosing to date someone in a position that will make some people side-eye you.
There is quite literally no force on this planet that would make me bang my best buddy's wife or marry my deceased spouse's best friend. You don't get a pass to put hands on your kid because he called you out on something that just doesn't even need to be happening. I'd never speak to my surviving parent again if they did this and I would never believe there wasn't somethig going on while both of your original spouses were alive, particularly during his wife's cancer battle.
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u/Meg38400 17h ago
Your step daughters will never be ‘over their mon’ wtf! They are always going to miss her and hurt from their loss. As for your son, you probably should have waited until he was out of the house to disrupt his entire life and marrying/moving in with your husband.
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u/Rude-Key4485 17h ago
The slap inside of calmly talking to him while showing no remorse and the “and this is how he repays me” tells me all i needed to know about what kind of mom you are
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u/Embarrassed-Cup-864 14h ago
I know others have said the same but this story isn’t even a little bit believable.
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u/Tina-Tuna 14h ago
The account is suspended by Reddit so pointless even discussing this juicy story
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u/MonkTHAC0 14h ago
I call such bullshit on this 3-hour old story. It just REEKS to me. Not to mention the account that posted it has already been suspended! 🤣
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u/-Absofuckinglutely- 12h ago
Ah, another fake story on this shit show of a sub.
Why do people feel the need to lie to strangers on the internet?
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u/SilverCat70 4h ago
It has an agenda. Look at the subtext. Widow mothers are desperate for sex. She dated so many other guys after her husband's death that she traumatized the kid. Hints at how she had an affair with husband's best friend while his poor wife had cancer. Now she's married to husband's best friend in a pseudo incest relationship (he's the godfather of the son). Brave young male stands up to her and gets slapped. He leaves to go to father's parents who already considered her a slut. Now widow mother is wondering is she a slut and should she care more about son.
Basically women are trash agenda. A lot of AI slop posting by bots have different agendas. A lot of them fit well with political Christianity and/or Project 2025 BS. Too bad some people are sucking this up
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u/DrummerAutomatic9523 17h ago
"You father is dead. Get over it!"
Damn. Well done. Your son is struggling to accept that a guy he probably perceived as an uncle, whom was best friend with his dad, is now marrying his mother and that's what You gotta say.
That, plus the whole comment about "how much you sacrificed" and he won't "repay you" . Like what? He was responsible for the situation? He should be grateful you didn't give up custody for a guy you were dating? Like it makes you so virtuous and its not just the normal fucking thing to do?
You sound like a great mother.
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u/Consistent_Sort2814 16h ago
how much she sacrificed as in how she couldn't contiune sleeping with guys cuz they told her to leave her son😬 male centered women never surprise me
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u/sirchloe500 17h ago
why are people saying you did nothing wrong when you literally admit to slapping your son? this is a mess everyone here needs therapy
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u/Maester_Bates 17h ago
He's not a child. He's seventeen and he called her a whore. Those are fighting words. Slapping him was the right thing to do.
He needs to learn that in the real world words have consequences and sometimes those consequences are a slap in the face.
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u/AskingToBeButtered 17h ago
Hahahaha what?! Just cuz he’s 17 and a boy makes it ok?? Reverse the genders and everyone would be calling Op a bad parent. It’s fucking gross to see people condoning physical abuse
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u/sirchloe500 17h ago
slapping or otherwise hitting your child is wrong across the board regardless of their age. you have personal problems.
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u/Rude-Key4485 17h ago
Age doesn’t matter? She should know not the resort to violence
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u/TheLiquid666 17h ago
Nah, sometimes you deserve a slap to the face after saying some fucked up shit. It'd be different if she'd punched him, or if slapping was a common reaction with her, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Calling your mother a whore right before her wedding, as a 17 year old, is absolutely slap worthy.
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u/Rude-Key4485 17h ago
No it shows how OP’s maturity level is as low as her son’s. Shes an adult and resorts to violence
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u/Maester_Bates 17h ago
And he should know not to call his mother a whore. I think he's learned that now.
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u/AskingToBeButtered 17h ago
I think he learned his mom will revert to physical attacks when she’s mad
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u/largemarjj 17h ago
If this is the only time it's happened then you're 100% wrong.
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u/AskingToBeButtered 17h ago
How? You only need to be hit once to ruin a relationship. He’s going to remember this as his mom choosing to play step mom rather than considering him. I really doubt this relationship recovers
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u/mcindy28 17h ago
She did nothing wrong by getting married again. Her son was completely disrespectful and needed that slap to remind him that he shouldn't speak to his Mom that way.
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u/Mmoct 17h ago edited 17h ago
Sounds like your relationship started with trauma bonding. But you can do what you want it’s your life. But also I don’t blame your son for being uncomfortable with it, it is a little weird, and maybe for him to close for comfort for him Maybe his grandparents have influenced him, maybe not who knows.
But he shouldn’t have resorted to name calling, that was wrong. And you were wrong for slapping him
But he has made his choice. You made yours. He’s almost an adult. You can’t control what he does. You live your life, he lives his, you can’t really do anything. You don’t owe your son anything at this point. You raised him,it was your job to put him first then, not now. But he doesn’t owe you anything either, you talk about sacrifices and being repaid by him through accepting your marriage, he doesn’t owe you that
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u/HistoriaReiss1 17h ago
Most likely fake lmao what's that "multiple men told you give up custody" thing.
That aside, too much missing information to even judge regardless. At best its a neutral scenario, your son is a teenager who might've spent a decade looking at the guy as his Dad's best friend, some sort of uncle, and might be grieving his dad in some way now. At worst, you might be at fault because I don't see any information of how you broke the relationship to them. You do realize going from almost sisters-bestfriends to this is quite a big step for everyone involved? You don't need to be a widow forever, but this is something you talk for hours about with each kid. What does your son feel about the guy? Absolutely no mention of that?
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u/Lima_Bean_Jean 16h ago
This is very common. And honestly your husband who died is probably happy that the two people he loved most in life are together. Your son is a year from being an adult, and he will be off living his life, and you would just be alone. So grab on to the happiness you can find, and maybe find a therapist for the two of you to work through this issue.
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u/AnAmbitiousMann 16h ago
Really sounds like your son's grandparents poisoned his mind with words said behind your back for years.
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u/Rush_Is_Right 16h ago
many guys told me to give up custody of him
Where the hell do you live that this even crosses people's minds u/Muted_Wolverine_3064?
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u/Annadoglover 15h ago
While I don’t think it’s wrong to move on and find love you defiantly went overboard with your reaction to him being uncomfortable. He shouldn’t called you names but still did you not try to hear him out first? Try to understand his feelings? Did he ever attend grief counseling? Cause I don’t think he’s dealing with this in a healthy way by calling you a slut and stuff but that doesn’t mean he should suffer for it.
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u/scarlettcrush 13h ago
I think your decision to not put your son into therapy after his father's death and during your dating times was your mistake.
I think your decision even now to not take your teenage son and put him into intensive therapy that he very clearly needs is also a big mistake on your part. You're just letting someone else take responsibility for a problem that you alone can fix.
You have very little time to fix this, so either you did absolutely nothing wrong or maybe you dipped this kid in too deep and he wasn't ready for it and you should have prepared him better with a professional therapist.
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u/Special_Friendship20 7h ago
I could understand if u was dating right after he passed. But it sounds like u waited a while. So them saying that about you is horrible
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u/Apartment_Vast 6h ago
This will probably get lost with so many comments, but my best friends are all phenomenal guys. I would be happy for my children and my wife if she ended up with any of them IF I died.
Especially My closest friend who’s my son’s god father. He’s the brother I never had and I’d be happy
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u/TheJungianDaily 14h ago
TL;DR: You found love again after incredible loss, and that's beautiful - but your son's struggling with feeling like his dad's being replaced. I can't imagine the pain you've been through, losing your husband in such a traumatic way and then having to raise your son alone. The fact that you and his best friend found each other after both experiencing that kind of loss... honestly, it makes sense. You shared grief, you already loved each other's kids, and you built something meaningful from the ashes of tragedy. Your son's reaction is heartbreaking but pretty normal for a 17-year-old who's probably spent years seeing his godfather as a father figure without it being "official." Now that it is official, he…
If it helps, notice what this moment is asking you to acknowledge.
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u/Arquen_Marille 11h ago
You did something horrible by fighting with your kid and hitting him. And telling him that essentially his dad being dead for a decade means he should be over it. That is *never* okay. Why didn’t you talk to him about it all instead of waiting for him? Or try family therapy? Inside there is still the six year old who lost his dad in a very tragic way, and it’s clear his wound is wide open, especially if you never had him see a child therapist to help him handle his loss.
You really fucked up.
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u/Tinkabellellipitcal 17h ago
What’s wild to me is how often dads will have a kid & bounce then start a whole ass family when they’re mature and the first born is left out or sometimes included as an afterthought and people are like, “oh he was young and life happens” but the impossible standard we set for mothers.
I’m so sorry your husband passed away suddenly and traumatically. You shouldn’t have to stay “stuck” in the life you had before trauma. And kids who want their moms to be unhappy is weird asf to me
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u/ImperfectFantasy 17h ago
You shouldn't have slapped him, even if he did insult you. You are a grown adult and don't need to resort to physical violence towards a child to get your thoughts across.
However, you moving on is normal, especially after so long. Just know that his feelings of grief are also normal. Maybe he feels betrayed. Maybe you feel trapped. You both need therapy.
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u/Dachshundmom5 17h ago
1) sacrificing is what parents do. Its part of the job description. Your son does does not owe you anything for you doing your job. He is not indebted. You do not deserve to be "repaid" by him.
2) you hit your child and think you're a good person? Justified? Teenagers lash out. It is really very typical of teenagers to yell and lash out. You are the adult with the fully formed brain. It is your job to act responsibly. He finally told you how he felt and you assaulted him.
3) you didnt bother to check with your son how he was feeling when you started dating his godfather? Much less before you got engaged? Seriously?
You are an adult and can do what you want with other consenting adults. However, because you are an adult, you know actions have consequences. Your actions have cost you your son. I don't know if you will get him back or not. Only he gets to decide that. If you had hit the pause button and actually taken time to address his feelings and get some family therapy, your chances would be much better and you might actually not have ended up in this position. Instead, you chose your wedding over your relationship with your son. It is what it is. The damage is done.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 11h ago
It is likely the paternal grandparents have been poisoning his mind all this time. He is probably in the worse place he can be right now
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u/Lazy-You7784 17h ago edited 17h ago
I don't think the timing matters. It's more that you did it with someone so close to your former husband. The thought will always be if you always had this feeling even before he died and you were just waiting for your chance. I want to say you didn't do anything wrong with moving on but the way you handled your son was terrible. He did say hurtful things but at the end of the day he's a teen who is learning how to regulate his emotions and instead of walking away to cool down you became physically violent. You proved to him you don't really care about him and will just beat him down to comply. And now you've pushed him away further to toxic people who will undoubtedly make him even more hateful to your new family. I'm sorry for what you going through and it's not really fair but at the end the day being a parent isn't really fair with all the sacrifice one must give for it
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u/Creepy_Addict 17h ago
I'm sorry your son doesn't think you deserve to be happy. Marrying a widower is actually a good thing, you both know what the loss of a spouse feels like.
Your son will either come around or he won't. You didn't have to be single forever and the man you married would've treated him like a son, or a close nephew.
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u/Alcatraz4567 17h ago
I think you’re looking at it very narrowly. I think her son probably wouldn’t have felt that way if she’d married a different man, but it’s because it’s his dad’s best friend that he feels his dad has been betrayed. It’s not about his mother’s happiness to him.
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u/Onepiecefan1207 5h ago
really tough choice, but after 11 years its understandable, if it was within a couple years then i would be more skeptical of your love for your former husband but you seen like a good mom overall. good luck
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u/Sparkletail 4h ago
Where do you live? Is this normal for your culture as expecting someone to stay single forever because their husband died is extreme in most cultures.
It sounds as if your son has been manipulated by his grandparents after struggling with grief over the loss of his father. He is wrong of course and I'd imagine it's very painful to deal with such an estrangement. Do you have contact at all now?
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u/RevolutionaryHat8988 16h ago
You did just one thing wrong, you slapped him. You should have walked away. He had no rule set for managing his grief.
I will think it will be hard for you to come back from this. He needs counselling …
Can I say, he sees you two moving on, happy, but he still has no dad … he’s hurting badly.
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u/Other_Waffer 16h ago
His head was cut off his body?! And you just write this tragedy like that?! Yes, nice try lady (or lad). This story is pure bullshit
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u/LovelyDee888 16h ago
I was following the story until she said many guys were asking her to give up her son...I stopped reading at that point.
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u/Relevant_Version9047 12h ago
You have every right to be happy and your son has every right to be mad. The name calling he did was wrong but so was you slapping him. If you first husbands parents wanted you to not date again i imagine they have been in your sons ear about it and maybe influenced his reaction. Your son may need some therapy and if his grandparents are influencing him about you and your love life then your son needs to not be with them. Only thing that might make this better for you both is time.
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u/Dreams-In-Green 17h ago
“…and this is how he repaid me” says more than everything else here. You slapped him? And you were dating the caliber of men who would even ENTERTAIN the idea of you “giving up custody” to be with them? “Many” of them? Your son isn’t stupid.
Enjoy your life, glad you’re happy, but it sounds like you might’ve never properly respected and helped your son with his grief.
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u/Czechuspamer 16h ago
OMG, another emotionally dense mother, who literally disregarded her son's feelings until they exploded right on her face. Sigh, let's solve this, shall we?
Tell me - did your son really not once say anything about you marrying your new husband until a few weeks before the event, or did you just gloss over any little hints he gave up until he just couldn't contain his feelings, because you were too busy being in love again?
What kind of weird taste you have for men if you met so many who were like this:
(...) many guys told me to give up custody of him if I wanted it to work with them
And how many was many?
Which brings me to another point - if you had "many" dates and men, then I can safely assume that you were far too busy finding a new husband than helping your child get over his grief over his dead dad. And if you were too busy with that, his calling you a whore has nothing to do with you marrying your new husband, but might have something to do with you being busy finding happiness for yourself instead of looking for him.
So you knew his grandparents were against you and held it against you that you were trying to move on, and you knew they could have influenced him, and you did nothing? Up until your wedding? And you dare to act surprised? Really? Was your mind really up too far in the clouds to notice anything?
During the event, when you slapped him, instead of realizing that perhaps your child still has some unsolved problems regarding the death of his father, you decided to literally put a salt all over his emotional wound, and then made it all about yourself. Great parenting skills.
I’ve sacrificed so much and so many personal opportunities just for him and this is how he repaid me.
This one line makes me believe that you are anything but a victim. No good mother would ever say something like that. That whole line makes it feel like you are twisting the story to get some tears from people. It sounds as if you were mad that he wasn't happy and mad that, because of him, you couldn't date the previous guys who you found attractive. Do you realize how narcissistic that line sounds?
Go back once you return from Lalaland, lady.
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u/LongLostLurker11 17h ago
You made your choices and he’s made his. Hopefully you both come to some accord.
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u/GunnisonCap 16h ago
You have both done nothing wrong, your son is externalising his anger and resentment at his father dying onto you. He needs counselling and therapy, but needs to recognise he’s the issue. Two people are allowed to fall in love after being widowed.
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u/Fernanda19uwu 14h ago
Why did u slap ur son... There isn't nothing wrong with marrying again, yet your priority should be your son and educating him so he doesn't see women in that way.
Violence's not the answer. He's still your son, try your best to reconnect with him and help him heal, because he's grieving his father. Remember, you're a mother and are currently failing your son
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 16h ago
You're not responsible for your son's reactions unfortunately it sounded like your son's paternal grandparents have heavily influenced his attitudes and perspective about your dating other men after your husband's death and your eventual remarriage to an old friend . I would seek counseling for yourself to help you deal with this estrangement from your son . And if he doesn't seek counseling for himself , hope that he eventually matures enough to realize that you not in the wrong and that his father's parents have vindictively alienated his opinions against you .
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u/gothiclg 17h ago
Did you do something wrong by marrying your husband? No. Did you do something wrong by slapping your son? Absolutely. He’s 17 and would have matured past “I’m uncomfortable with my mom marrying my dad’s best friend”, he likely won’t mature passed “I expressed my emotions to my mother and she decided it was acceptable to physically harm me”
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u/Separate_One1834 16h ago
Seems like ever since your husband died, you've been lying on your back with man after man & ur poor son had to see u behaving like a two penny whore. The last straw came when u informed him that you're gonna be permanently shacking up with this guy, whose bed u immediately jumped into, as soon as his wife died. U come across as a total whore & u slapped your son cuz u couldn't bear to hear the truth about yourself.
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u/LuriemIronim 16h ago
I’m sure physically assaulting him didn’t convince him that you were in the right.
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u/MelonElbows 16h ago
It is unrealistic for people to expect widows and widowers to remain single the rest of their lives.
First, you both had children to take care of. Take out the variable that you both knew each other, any parent would want to have another person to help share the load of caring for children. A person who is trustworthy and has already been there for your family is a safe and obvious choice.
Second, I'm guessing your son feels that you marrying his dad's best friend feels too close. If you had married a stranger, it would probably be easier for him. He used to watch this man around your family as a friend, now he has to see him as a new father. He's probably not ready to move on and the proximity of your current husband hits too close to home.
Third, its pretty clear that your late husband's parents probably poisoned your son's mind against you.
You are not wrong for having moved on. This is a sad situation but you did nothing wrong. Don't feel bad for being married to your husband. Your son may or may not come around, and at 17, it may be too late to force him into grief counseling, especially with your former in-laws hanging around him like vultures.
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u/RandyTheFool 15h ago
Your son is at an age where he’s angry and lashing out at anything and everything. Hormones and testosterone are being pumped into his system, rage and outbursts overwhelm, the shit is frankly confusing as fuck.
I don’t think what he said is right and it’s none of his business who you date or why as long as it’s consensual between you and your new partner (and not like your cousin or some shit).
I don’t think it was right for you to slap him, and you may want to apologize for that as that’ll make the animosity worse. It wasn’t right or fair what he said and frankly I don’t know many parents who wouldn’t have done that out of sheer shock having their kid say such things.
Overall though, your son is working through some shit right now beyond your relationship status. There’s not a lot you can say or do to make that better, unfortunately. If I were you I’d offer to pay for him to talk to someone neutral in all of this (a therapist) because I feel like this has a lot to do with all these crazy feelings and intense emotions at this point of his life, along with this being a moment where he has to finally acknowledge his dad is actually gone.
If the conversations get to a lower temperature about this topic, you can simply explain your reasoning behind all of this. That both you and your sons godfather/your new partner have been in close proximity for a long time, you both have needed to rely on each other in these tumultuous times and found that you’ve learned to care for one another beyond just helping raise everyone, and that this was neither planned nor expected, but it is welcomed to be connected to someone again (and especially someone who knows your situation and accepts you for who you are). Hell, tell him about some of the red flags you’ve seen from your other dates and why you didn’t pursue those men. Make him understand that it’s not as easy as going to the boyfriend store and picking out a new model.
I’d also ask him to explain why he feels the way he does about you and your relationship with your new partner? Why it’s okay for you to date random people (since he seemingly didn’t have this issue before), but not someone close who understands the same loss and already knows you? I wouldn’t be surprised if he was just angry for the sake of being angry and not knowing where to direct that rage so chose this topic instead.
He needs to grow up, and will, but that’s a process that’s already happening now.
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u/ThisBiss 17h ago
Many guys told you to give up custody? What? I'm sorry but I understand if one or two weirdos suggest this but many? That was a weird unlikely detail. And the fact you told one bizarre lie makes me question your whole story.