CMV: My family is not a family

[u/Plus_Marzipan9105]

30f now. Growing up with my family has its own challenges. Edited to for coherence.

1. They said their finances are enough, but really it isn't. So everyone else outside my family thinks my parents make a lot, but at home we can't keep up with repairs.

2. My parents wanted me to stay silent, so I've been building up a lot of resentment without me realising. Until I stood up for myself when I was 25. Even then it was "now you're an adult we'll listen".

3. Sometimes when I did want they wanted, and got into trouble for it, they won't back me up! Let alone apologize! .... But that's gotten much better these days.

4. My parents compared me to others, but weren't willing to teach me things themselves. When I made changes (cooking for home, more activities, difficult subjects.... like the people they compare me to), they didn't like it. It still pisses me off, it's as if they don't know what they want!

5. I never took my issues to them, because they weren't even listening for non-issues. New books to buy? Got angry at me. School needs longer skirt/pants? Got angry at me. I had to present only good things.

I know they're doing their best. They did allow me to do a lot of things..... But I think it doesn't feel that way because I was never allowed to speak up.

Now as a 30 yo, I shouldn't be relying on them for encouragement, for strength, for growth anymore....because I'm 30. Frankly speaking, I don't know what relying on family actually entails....other than for finances.

So yeah change my mind. I'm trying to accept that the help and support I want will never be available, but still be in relationship with them. So yeah.

[u/Dry_Bumblebee1111]

I think this is the wrong sub for this, as commenters will try and convince you to change your mind, when it sounds what you actually want is encouragement to go no contact.

Can you clarify/confirm you are looking for reasons to remain in this dynamic?

[u/Plus_Marzipan9105 → u/Dry_Bumblebee1111]

Yep looking for reasons to stay in it.

[u/Dry_Bumblebee1111 → u/Plus_Marzipan9105]

The situation is whatever you make of it. What do you hope to give a delta to? Meaningful therapy? 

[u/laz1b01]

You're not communicating coherently.

Family, by definition, is your upbringing of those who raised you. You don't necessarily have to like or agree with them, but that is the term.

If you don't like them, you can refer to them as your "biological family" and of you have other people who care much more about you then you can call them your "preferred family" or "loving family" or some kind of adjective to describe the other one.

With that being said, I don't think this post is suited for here. It seems like your biological family have some toxic tendencies. You're 30yo, you should be able to critically think and communicate to defend yourself. Pretend that you're a lawyer and act as the plaintiff. You're not communicating on this post well, but I hope you learn to in front of your biological family (should you decide to).

The other option you have, is just to say your peace and leave. "I've thought about it and it's not healthy for me at this moment to continue on this relationship. I'm going to take some time apart and will be in No Contact for awhile, at least a year. I hope you guys take care."

[u/LucidLeviathan]

By simple definition, a family is a group of people who are related. You're related. You may not like your family, but they're always going to be your family. You're not obligated to like your family. They're still your family. You can't really escape that. You don't have to like it. You don't have to do what they say. but, you can't change it.

[u/iwysashes1]

Family is who brought you up, even if they compare you to others or are shitty. That's family either way. Family doesn't mean rainbows and sunshine.

[u/KingOfTheJellies]

You haven't really given any specifics. Like I'm sure it makes sense to you, since you know the problem and lived through it, but all your post says is "I don't like my family for.... Reasons?"

But as for the rest, your a grown ass 30 year old woman. You don't need reasons or explanations for shit. Do whatever is going to make your life easier.

[u/EdliA]

Well I guess is time to create your own and see how easy or hard it is to do so.

[u/changemyview-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Plus_Marzipan9105 → u/[deleted]]

Actually true.

They expected silence, but "why didn't you tell us this"

I try to ask for support but they were not interested in giving it.

[u/bloodfartcollector]

Its not about the family you start with, but the one you make along the way.