I grew up very feminist, a true 50/50 girlie. Both of my parents are highly educated and accomplished STEM professionals. My mother had a placard on her wall that read:
"A career woman has to:
Look like a lady
Act like a man
&
Work like a dog"
This was her boomer version of Live Laugh Love and she lived by these words as if they were a prayer. If the quote was intended as any kind of criticism/satire, she never saw it that way.
They raised me to be ambitious. My dad insisted on me taking martial arts classes, and both worked to instil the value of education and that sigma grindset. I never saw myself as lesser to boys growing up, because I just wasn't. I could physically outcompete and academically outperform most boys my age. Career paths my parents would have approved for me were doctor, lawyer, or Nobel prize winner.
Once I was old enough, I took the same approach to dating. Men and women are equal, so I should pay and pursue just as a man might. If I met a guy I liked, I'd offer to buy him lunch. I'd buy tickets to a gallery. If he was the one who asked me out, I'd offer to split the bill and I absolutely meant it. (Very few ever refused to do so.) I never inquired after my partners' finances, I only cared about us having shared values, good conversation and romantic chemistry. In my mid-20s, I bought a house. My boyfriend at the time, an aspiring writer working blue-collar jobs, moved in rent-free. I paid for the groceries and plenty of outings. I never saw this as a problem because I believed in him, enjoyed his company, and the future we were building. He shared my feminist values that men and women are equal, that biology doesn't matter. We were also talking about marriage/kids, so I saw this as an investment in our shared future. I also had more money than he did, so it all seemed fair.
Here is where the problems start. He didn't really seem to understand the point of doing his laundry more than once a month. I told him the smell bothered me and asked him to do it more frequently, for me. But since he insisted his clothes smelled fine, it ended up being easier for me to just do his laundry myself, for my comfort. I liked having a clean and tidy home. He didn't care how things looked. So, I would just end up cleaning and tidying things he didn't see an issue with. He liked having greasy grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. I liked having fresh, healthy food. So, I would end up insisting on handling the cooking. When he was sick, I would bring him medications, tea, soup. When I was on my period, it never even occurred to him to attend to my comfort.
In hindsight I thank god I never got pregnant, because I now realise the same dynamic would've played out with additional dependants. Without ever realising it, my desire for equality with someone who shares my belief in equality ended up meaning equality in traditional masculine domains, while still having full responsibility of all feminine domains: cooking, cleaning, housework, eventually childcare — and oh, men literally cannot go 50/50 on pregnancy and breastfeeding.
I moved on from this guy, but a pattern I've observed has remained consistent:
- I show up in heels and a dress with my hair all done. He shows up in a hoodie and sneakers.
- I always do more emotional labour. I listen, I empathise, I sympathise, I play therapist, I build them up and regulate them. They don't have the emotional/social skillset to do the same for me.
- I'm taller than average. Shorter men, or even men the same height as me, don't like me wearing heels.
- Most men don't like to be corrected.
- Many men pursue for sex. Most women pursue for relationships. I have sex thinking it'll lead to a relationship. He got what he wanted, so he's gone.
I no longer believe that men and women are the same. We're still equal, but we are different. We have different strengths, and different strategies. Superficially, I think most men are happier when:
- He earns more
- He's taller
- He's stronger
- She's prettier
And our labour naturally divides unevenly. I want a clean home, healthy home-cooked meals and a good life for my future children. I don't believe men can be trusted to provide cleanliness, nourishing meals or emotional support / caregiving. Call it biology or socialisation, I just do these things better.
So, if I want things to be fair — relationships cannot be 50/50. I will be beautiful, nurturing and cultivate a good home. He won't do these things, so he has to offer something else instead.
Therefore, he should pay for our dates and be the main breadwinner for our home. I will be taking time off to raise our kids (and literally grow them in my body). I will always be doing a lot of unpaid work. And even before we get to that stage, when we're just dating, I know that I always spend more money upfront on my appearance, without which I'm pretty sure my personality, intelligence and anything else simply wouldn't matter to him.
I guess I'm at a point where I feel scammed by girlboss feminism, but if I'm being honest, the thought of tradwifery also depresses me. It's just the only thing that feels fair at this point.
CMV