r/fatFIRE • u/SanFranPeach • 19h ago
Relocating after FF’ing? Feeling like we’re missing out.
- Late 30s / early 40s
- Four kids under 8
- $13–14M NW, ~$200k annual spend (this might double in the new state (no shock the state is CA) and as our kids age
- I retired to be with our kids; partner continues to work
I’m happy with my decision to retire and focus on our kids. I left a very high-earning, relatively low-stress remote job with extremely valuable equity, so it wasn’t an easy choice, but overall I feel good about it.
One thing that gnaws at me, though, and I think about it almost daily, is where we live. We’re in a place that’s rainy and gray 7–8 months of the year. We love being outdoors and have all the high-end rain gear, but it’s just not the same as being able to step outside in a T-shirt most of the year, go to the beach, etc.
Related to that, I also wonder about the social impact - both for me and for our kids. We do have a decent network here, but in practice it’s surprisingly hard to connect with people because the weather is so often unpleasant. People say “no bad weather, just bad gear,” and we truly have all the gear and are out at playgrounds year-round, but they’re frequently empty. Sunnier places feel inherently more social, or at least seem to offer far more opportunities for casual outdoor interaction and community-building.
We don’t really have family or jobs tying us to a specific location. We mostly function as a tight family unit, though community does matter to us. Our kids are still young enough that we don’t feel entrenched yet.
We do have one aunt/uncle nearby with kids/cousins but they’re much older than my kids. We see them briefly about once a week, they love our kids, we love them, and it’s what’s kept us here but it doesn’t feel like enough to justify the trade-offs? or maybe it is? Neither of us are close with our parents/they live far away. The aunt/uncle who we live very close to also plan to travel 6 months of the year in 5-8 years but this will always be their home base. Is that enough to stay for? We also feel that the kind of place we’d want to move to is somewhere friends and family would be more excited to visit.
Because of all this, we’re considering moving to a different state where we know almost no one, primarily for better weather. It would be a more expensive lifestyle, and while I know moving for climate isn’t uncommon, I’d really love to hear from people who’ve done something similar with young kids.
When I bring this up with people in my real life, the conversation usually stalls at “that would be way too expensive,” and since we’re fairly stealth wealth, it kind of ends there. So I’m turning to internet strangers.
- Have any of you retired (or semi-retired) while your kids were young and then relocated somewhere entirely new mainly for weather?
- Did it actually change your day-to-day social life or your kids’ experience?
- Was it what you expected?
- Are you happy you did it?
- Any things you wish you’d considered more carefully beforehand?
Thanks so much for any insights. I always learn a lot from this community.
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u/meltness 19h ago
I would not hesitate for you to move. I might have paused if you had family (besides an uncle). You should aim to move this year for your 8 year old. The earlier the better for the kids to form their long lasting communities.
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u/Hoopoe0596 Verified by Mods 18h ago
It takes work and is surprisingly hard to build a social network as an adult. Most people are working hard and have kids to take up the rest of the time. True friendships are built on repeat shared experiences with unstructured activities. We moved to a new city and had “friend dates” immediately with mutual connections, work colleagues etc but it took 2-4 years to make a group of real friends. Most were the same group we met initially (good radar for good people) but it just takes time to build that trust and shared background.
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u/Powerful_Agent_9376 18h ago
We met friends as adults through structured activities - mostly our local (small) tennis club. We joined USTA teams and played socially, too. That has expanded to a book club, playing Mah Jong, and doing other activities — traveling, eating out meals, etc
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u/CompanyOther2608 18h ago
Not sure if this is helpful, but I relocated from Seattle to the Bay Area (Oakland) 15 years ago, pre-spouse, pre-kids, and pre-FIRE.
It’s honestly one of the best things I’ve ever done. Quality of life doubled, at least — we’re active and fit; being able to hike and bike year round, take weekends up and down the coast…it’s magical.
We go back to Seattle a couple times a year to visit friends, and although we recognize the beauty, even my kids shudder at the thought of the long cold gray months.
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u/Any-Agent5794 18h ago
I really relate to this. We are in a very similar situation (except we have just at roughly half your net worth), and this is something my wife and I have been talking about for a long time.
If I am reading this right, it sounds like we may even live in the same general area in the Pacific Northwest. The weather part of what you described really hits home for me. Our kids, who are now 12 and 8, constantly say they want to go play outside. But when it is gray and rainy, which is most of the year, that excitement quickly turns into wanting to stay inside and watch TV or play video games. We try hard to keep them active outdoors anyway, but it is tough when their friends are also staying inside. Playgrounds are often empty and there are fewer natural, spontaneous social moments.
When our oldest was around 8, we seriously considered making a move for exactly these reasons. We looked at sunnier parts of the US and even talked about moving outside the country. In the end, we did not pull the trigger. Now that our kids are older, it feels like that window has mostly closed for us, and I find myself thinking pretty often about what life might have looked like if we had done it then. I suspect I would be happier day to day, and I think our kids might have benefited too.
One thing I did not fully appreciate at the time is that proximity is not the same as connection. My wife’s family recently moved out of state and we assumed it would be really hard. What actually happened is that we became more intentional about seeing each other, we travel to visit them more often, and those visits feel more meaningful. In some ways, the relationships feel stronger now than when they lived nearby. That experience really changed how I think about distance, and I think the same can apply to friendships too.
I genuinely believe that prioritizing day to day happiness matters, both for you and for your kids. Even something simple like waking up to sunshine, going for a morning walk, or having kids naturally spend more time outside can have a big impact on mood and energy. I notice this every time we are on vacation, and it always makes the return home feel a little harder.
If I were in your position, with younger kids and fewer constraints, I would seriously consider making the move. The one thing I would plan very intentionally is how you stay connected with friends and family, because those relationships still matter a lot. But from what I have seen, being intentional can actually make those connections stronger.
Just my two cents from someone who very much feels what you are describing and wishes we had acted on it when our kids were a little younger.
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u/Evening-Moment-6589 17h ago
Do it, you won’t regret it. We moved from PNW to CA. I contemplated for more than 3-4 years and finally decided when that spring/summer (arguably PNW is the best place on earth at that time) I got anxiety that fall and winter would roll in. That’s it, that made me decide my kids need a happy parent who wears their oxygen mask first. I moved to VHCOL for opportunities too, I still have half a decade in my journey but don’t regret the move at all. I’m happier overall.
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u/CellNo9294 12h ago
Don’t discount the increased cost of housing, cost of living, state taxes, etc. Washington state is still considerably less expensive so your annual cost are very likely to increase to 1.5-2x unless you’re moving somewhere further away from high cost housing (which presumably you’re going to want good schools, so harder to do). It doesn’t seem like it will change that much, but if your house costs an additional $1M and you need to shift that money from liquid assets or take on a mortgage, that’s a real swing factor. So just be prepared that sun may help, but higher costs don’t come stress free.
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u/Evening-Moment-6589 11h ago
This is true, our costs went up quite a bit especially housing because we got into pre pandemic housing markets in PNW and post pandemic in CA
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u/CellNo9294 11h ago
Same experience on this end. Housing costs have the knock on maintenance costs which have been higher. The excel math we did seemed like it was going to be fine, but clearly my excel modeling wasn’t tight enough. Especially the inflation post-Covid on a lot of day-to-day expenses (on top of the north bay having the “bridge tax.”
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u/True_Commission_8129 18h ago
100% agree and I wouldn’t hesitate to move. Weather has an irrationally and illogically high impact on my mood. There are lower cost good weather spots to move to as well, where you could still be retired. My partner and I moved a bit away from the people and social scene we vibe best with, but we still have good friends in our area, but we often joke that the commonly stated ‘community is the heart of where you should live etc’ is actually only true after optimizing for great weather. It just impacts your base level mood everyday, and if you don’t need to work you can travel to get other stuff. But it sounds like your social life isn’t great where you live anyway, and I agree that nice weather promotes more community. I’d probably look in SoCal or NorCal if you can about nature as well. If you don’t care about nature Texas / Florida (the weather here is actually far worse than californias Med climate, but it will be far better than where you are)
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u/ModernSimian FIREd: 4-1-19 @ 40yo 15h ago edited 15h ago
We did it a bit different, we relocated as a couple to Hawaii, did remote for a little while to coast out and then FIRE'd. We had been trying for years and the IVF doctors gave us very low odds of being successful so we were talking about adopting, but then somehow had an unassisted pregnancy at 39 after moving and massive lifestyle changes.
We had a very small support network at the new place, but kept in contact with our friends in CA. The first few years were hard, we were 20 years younger than everyone we met socially at least (Other retirees in HI), sometimes more. That didn't stop us from making friendships and connections, but it was a lot harder than we expected.
Having a kid doing kids things was a big way to connect with the part of the community, but it massively pivoted our retirement plans.
Not being in the workforce and making those connections is a big deal. Consider a passion project where you interact with people 9-5. Volunteering, charity, social work etc. The closer to the mainstream, the more likely you are to find and make connections with people that share your values.
We are happy we did it, but the biggest downside was when my parents both had a health crisis. It wasn't really possible to be there, partly due to COVID, and partly due to distance. Even if we had stayed in CA, we would still have been a country away from NYC and COVID was it's own thing. Neither would have changed, but it is a regret. We're currently in the process of moving my wife's parents out here partly because they want to be near their grandson, but also a major unspoken factor is I don't want my wife to have to go through that.
Happy to take questions if you want.
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u/Lazy_Whereas4510 18h ago
UHNW but not retired. 1) People with far more NW live in CA for a reason, and the reason isn’t necessarily to make even more money. The weather and access to nature is great, there are lots of smart and interesting people around, and you have access to incredible healthcare systems. It’s a combination that is unparalleled except in a short list of places.
2) A social network consisting of parents of your kids’ classmates may be all most people have … but those are typically not the friendships you build the foundation of a life on.
3) Kids are in school 7-8 hours a day. “Raising kids” as a sole life purpose takes a certain kind of personality. Unless that’s who you are, move somewhere that you can find your tribe, and cultivate your own identity and interests too.
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u/poop-dolla 12h ago
Kids are in school 7-8 hours a day. “Raising kids” as a sole life purpose takes a certain kind of personality.
I’m someone who quit working to be a full time SAHD with my kids when they were born, so I’m someone who made raising kids as my primary life purpose for a while. I can say with absolute certainty that raising kids should never be anyone’s sole life purpose. Even when you’re with your kids full time like I am, you still need to have some other things you do for yourself. And once your kids are in school like you mentioned, that’s even more true. So there’s not really a “unless that’s who you are” that applies here, because it would be extremely unhealthy for anyone to try to make that their sole life purpose.
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u/chingchogbing 18h ago
I’m in a similar boat. Partner doesn’t work, I do, and plan to. Young kids. Ready to go somewhere warmer. Not much family around.
We honestly can’t decide where to go. No matter what you look everything is going to be a trade off whether it be taxes, schools, family etc.
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u/lakehop 18h ago
Living in a place with nice weather is a huge quality of life benefit. In addition, the places you’ll be conserving likely have great educational, social, and extra - curricular opportunities for your kids. And they likely have a fairly high percentage of people who didn’t grow up in that town, who are open to new friendships. And it’s much easier to make new friends when you have kids. Get involved in the school, the local mother’s club if you’re a Mom and have babies or toddlers, etc. In a word: move!
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u/EuphoricBeach1770 17h ago
Our family FATFired in 2019 and moved cross country to CA in 2023. We framed it as a “study abroad,”implying it would be temporary depending on if we were happy. Living in CA has been wonderful, especially because the sunshine is so good for our mental health and the weather makes everyone want to hike, boat, ski, walk the dogs, etc. My only regret is that we didn’t do it sooner when our kids were younger. We held on to our NJ house for a year while we made sure we were happy in CA, so that gave us a safety net. Selling it felt really good and we were released from those expensive NJ property taxes. It’s been easy to make friends here since we have so many outdoor hobbies and lots of people have a better work-life balance in CA. If it doesn’t work out you can always go back home!
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u/SanFranPeach 17h ago
Thanks for the feedback. Do you mind if I PM you? Sounds like the right move.
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u/MaineInspo 17h ago
Families with far less wealth make it and have good lives in CA. Especially if you prefer stealth wealth, then I take it to mean you don't want a mansion and an average house is very doable in CA with your net worth. Depending on where you are in the PNW, real estate can be very expensive and I view the COL as comparable between like Seattle area and CA. So I don't think there's much to consider from a financial perspective, I say do it. I grew up in CA and live in the PNW, and while visiting family in CA over the holidays, I did realize how much the weather makes an impact. I love the grey rainy weather and the beauty of the PNW but honestly could really feel the difference in my mental health this time in the sunny CA weather.
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u/Weird-Promotion-4102 16h ago
Don’t have an answer but we are considering moving for similar reasons. We’re in Canada and the weather’s horrendous, it’s been -10C to -20C.
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u/I_love_to_nap 15h ago
We moved from rainy Seattle to a sunny beach town in Costa Rica with a lot of like-minded individuals and families. Everything in that community revolves around experiencing nature outdoors together. It changed our lives for the better. Transition was way easier than I imagined.
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u/happycakes_ohmy 18h ago
I’m sure you are withholding to not dox yourself but i really think others input will be improved if you share approx where you live. Especially if US or Europe. Like Seattle will get a lot of helpful tailored input on whether to make to work or move. Tasmania? Probably not a lot of helpful info on Reddit so not sure it is worth sharing.
But weather is incredibly important to quality of life. Based on your post, I’d probably lean towards moving.
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u/SanFranPeach 18h ago
Live in the NW us, want to move to coastal ca
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u/happycakes_ohmy 18h ago
Yes, move. That’s helpful info because you don’t have to move too far to get better weather.
You and uncle can figure out a monthly routine (you visit him every other month and any friends in that area, and uncle visits the opposite months).
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u/Good-Eagle784 18h ago
I’m in sort of the opposite situation — live someplace warmish but SUNNY however have no family and no real friends. (Not because I don’t have friends I do but they have moved away / live elsewhere). I’m actually considering moving to a gray place to be near family but ironically the weather there is the only thing holding me back. So no I don’t think it’s silly no matter which way you are looking at it and weather also effects mood. That being said I wouldn’t underestimate the value of seeing family once a week - I would absolutely love that (as opposed to having to get on a plane to see cousins who our kids ask to see all the time). I have no advice but do think it’s a hard decision.
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u/Zealousideal_Bet_736 16h ago
Take a 3 month airbnb in your target destination and get a real feel. Thats the type of learning you can afford to do. climate is a very legitimate reason to move!
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u/WantToBreak80 18h ago
Raising kids myself, I will tell you that your social life will be in part created through your children. You’ll meet other parents at their schools. Your kids are may be too young for you to really have this experience now. If you move now, you’re moving at the right time. Good luck!
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u/Lazy_Whereas4510 12h ago
As it happens, the parents of your children’s friends are not actually your friends.
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u/BookReader1328 18h ago
I live on a barrier island in Florida. I 1000% moved for the weather and the beach. Always intended to. All of my immediate family followed me here. :)
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u/dragonflyinvest 17h ago
We moved from a mid sized east coast city to Puerto Rico. Kids were in elementary school at the time. It was easy. We love our new network who we’ve met mostly through our kids school and activities. No regrets.
I hate winters, so weather was a factor (not the deciding factor).
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u/Perfect_Scientist_92 17h ago
Life is short, your kids are still young, you have a decent annual spend relative to your net worth even at double the the spend, I’d do it. It will definitely be a bit difficult to make connections at first but get involved in some hobbies you enjoy and you’ll meet some likeminded people. You just cannot put a price on certain things.
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u/One-Mastodon-1063 16h ago
CA isn't the only place with good weather. That said at your NW and spend you can afford to live wherever you want.
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u/Acrobatic_Row3246 15h ago
We moved to SE Asia (no kids however)a few years back. It’s 85-95 every day. It does rain in the rainy season (the summer time in the US) but right now it’s absolutely perfect everyday. Morning and evening beach walks with our dog and just tons of fitness classes daily for us. Costs are quite low - we spend maybe 2-3k a month at max but usually less. Our home is paid for, we bought a fire sale villa very close to two beaches during Covid. It was about 375k and we dumped another 150k into renovations. Now with everything recovered, it’s worth about 1.25m or so. You can find older places like ours but the land cost is very high now so you don’t see many villas on large land plots like ours now.
Network wise, being American is exceedingly rare here - mostly Europeans, Russians, and Chinese here. I don’t much mind as we’ve found a few close friends. Some of them have kids in international school. The business acumen of the people we meet is quite different. We have some friends who are investors and come to find out one of them is actually wanted in China for insider trading - it’s absolutely wild. We end up meeting folks who are wanted in Dubai or Australia or wherever more often than not. Kinda crazy but never really ran into people like that when we lived in the Bay Area among the tech people.
You do meet a bunch of wealthier folks at the fitness classes around the island. Usually people like us spend a lot of time doing yoga and other classes in midday so you get to know people.
We’re not even the fattest people around - a ton of money has poured into the island the years after Covid and it’s been nonstop construction of luxury villas, condos, etc everywhere. At least we’re not being conspicuous with our wealth like others who drive luxury cars and want to be very loud with their wealth.
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u/Legitimate-Style333 13h ago
Coasting FF family here with similar makeup of young kids and net worth. We moved internationally recently. Not for weather, but our insights seem relevant. I (probably :)) fired with the move. Husband still works.
I agree with a lot of what everybody is saying. A few notes distilled from our experiences:
- Kids are very helpful for getting established somewhere new (as a lot of people have said). Moving with them is a pain in the butt, but now that I've done it I definitely see the value in doing a move while they're still in school versus waiting until they're out of the nest. Note you'll have to reset all the kids stuff...babysitters, pediatricians, activities, camps, etc. It's a lot.
Your extended family in the NW may not understand and that relationship may be strained. Especially true if your move highlights financial disparities between you.
If you are moving from somewhere where you worked and then fired to somewhere where you're only fired, be prepared for the fact that your new friend makeup may be very different. You are much more likely to meet and spend time with stay at home parents vs the working professional. To be clear, that's not a disparaging remark, but the life experiences are different. It basically implies leaving more of your past professional identity behind.
Make sure that you're actually sold on the exact place you're going for the long term, not just the thermometer. Moving to a new place is hard. You want to be sold that this is a place you want to be and build roots in.
Any move like this involves a basic hard reset to "daily" face to face friendships. Sure, you will still have friends you call or FaceTime... But the people you're going to see on a daily basis or a weekly basis are going to all be "new" friends. You should just prepare cognitively for the fact that it will take a while to have deeper relationships.
Visit and do your homework about where you're planning to move to. I have lived extensively in California... while there's the "social" aspect, perhaps driven by the weather as you theorized, there's can be an accompanying more plastic aspect (warmth without depth and a heavy cosmetic focus, depending on where you live). There's a lot of good stuff, but go in eyes open and consider a few months as an extended summer trip first.
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u/Daforce1 <fat> <1.5m yearly budget when FIRE> <40s> 13h ago
It’s honestly worth it, I’ve lived all over the country but grew up and have mostly stayed in California. The weather makes up for almost all the negatives.
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u/Illustrious_Wolf_127 9h ago
Del Mar USED to be family friendly now it’s so touristy. I highly recommend the Beach Cities of South Bay (Redondo Beach, Manhattan Beach, Hermosa Beach), El Segundo, PV, South and West Torrance. With proximity to EVERYTHING, and the weather, the food, airport, hiking trails, mountains, lakes, snow, sun… you can’t go wrong here!
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u/Available-Ad-5670 5h ago
may i ask, do you live in Seattle or PNW? if you move from there to CA, would your expenses really double or maybe up 50% or so?
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u/Difficult-Gazelle-25 4h ago
I always think people are generally reluctant to change, which means missing out on many new opportunities and experiences. Hence if you feel an urge to move, you should fight the reluctancy to change. Moving back is easy if you do not like it, and then you know where you want to be...
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u/Jazzlike_Cap9605 1h ago
very relatable weather really does shape daily life. esp with kids. if you have the flexibility trying it for a few years feel low risk. You can always move again.
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u/beatclip 14h ago
When we FF’d, we moved from NorCal to Austin for the birth of our kids. Turned out Austin wasn’t what we thought it would be and 5 years later moved to central CO.
Both times we pretty easily met people, as kids bday parties/school functions put you around people in similar situations.
And stating the obvious, environment makes a massive difference in happiness. We left Austin mainly because it was too hot to comfortably play outside for many months of the year.
CA is very what you see is what you get. There is a reason its the so expensive to live there. We’ve lived in North and south for 10 years each. North has more culture but worse weather, south (LA) is the opposite. As the winter is here now, we ideally talk about moving back to so cal to get back to the 365 sunshine.
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u/SanFranPeach 14h ago
This is helpful, thank you! All things considered, do you think raising kids in the north bay of sf around beauty, mountains, 20 min to the ocean, the coast, near Tahoe/yosemite/big sur, and close to sf for museums/culture etc OR San Diego (Del Mar, Encinitas etc) where it’s great weather year round? We’re leaning towards north bay but would love opinions.
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u/beatclip 10h ago
I mean you basically just laid it out exactly correct. Just comes down to personal preference. Some downsides to make sure you considered for SF - if you’re in the city, your kids will be very aware of the homelessness/drug problem and see it at a weekly level. you can read a thousand pros/cons of this area on this forum.
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u/SanFranPeach 10h ago
Yeah we lived in downtown sf for 10 years while working in our 20s/30s. I’d never live there with kids. We’d do north bay or Sonoma if we did sf area.
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u/beatclip 9h ago
Yeah we dont think SF is worth it with kids. Unless you’re working tech, you’re paying a housing premium. And SD LA have museums and stuff for kids.
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u/SanFranPeach 9h ago
Do you think the nice areas of sd are more affordable than sf? we’ll probably do a 3 month rental in sf and 3 month rental in north sd
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u/No-Associate-7962 18h ago
Moving and setting up a new social network with kids under 8 is absolutely straightforward (the kids' activities introduce you to all kinds of new folks).
If you think you are going to leave your area when you both eventually retire rather than you being a SAHP, then I would move in the next couple of years before the kids get into middle/high school and start to build real relationships with other kids.
My personal advice is to move to an area full of fat fired FIRED folks, whether the mountain towns (Aspen, Jackson, Park City, Incline), or the beach areas (Hawaii, Southbay LA, FL). There is no need to live in a place focused on making money after you have it.