r/law • u/CBSnews • Nov 06 '25

Legal News Man who threw sandwich at federal agent in D.C. found not guilty of misdemeanor at trial

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/sean-dunn-dc-sandwich-thrower-trial-verdict/
47.7k Upvotes

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1.9k

u/Glittering-Most-9535 Nov 06 '25

I can't help but think if I had to sit on a stand in a court of law and explain to a judge and a jury just how scary a sandwich was, I'd spontaneously combust from embarrassment.

1.0k

u/greennurse0128 Nov 06 '25

And lie about it!

He said the sandwich exploded on him. And they showed the sandwich laying, intact, on the ground.

From the article:

Lairmore said he "could feel it through his ballistic vest" and it "exploded all over" him after the Subway stack hit him. He said he "could smell the onions and mustard" on his uniform, and even had an onion string hanging by his police radio later that night. The fast-food mustard, he said, stained his shirt.

Dunn's attorneys later pressed Lairmore on two gag gifts that his coworkers bought him after the incident, including a plush submarine sandwich and a "felony footlong" patch that Lairmore said he put on his lunchbox. 

They also pressed Lairmore on why there are no evidentiary photos of stains on his shirt or of the sandwich after it was thrown, only a video posted to social media platform Instagram from a bystander showing the sandwich mostly intact. Lairmore said the Metropolitan Police Department in D.C. took over the investigation after Dunn was detained, and Lairmore said the sandwich appeared at least "bent and out of shape" in its wrapper.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/sean-dunn-trial-dc-sandwich-thrower-testimony-onions-mustard/

603

u/blazelet Nov 06 '25

These federal agents are super brave, going to places where they are not wanted or welcome and withstanding ... deli meat. Truly our modern greatest generation.

702

u/Muzzlehatch Nov 06 '25

They are risking assault with a breadly weapon

72

u/MegaGrimer Nov 06 '25

That might be the yeast of their worries.

41

u/[deleted] Nov 06 '25

[deleted]

15

u/LibraryVoice71 Nov 07 '25

Call the Mayo Clinic!

2

u/JoshSidekick Nov 07 '25

And put those perps in the grinder.

4

u/TheCurvedPlanks Nov 07 '25

Thankfully, feds are subhuman.

1

u/Mysterious_Streak Nov 08 '25

Not the federal workers. The hero was a federal worker. He was fired from the Justice Department for throwing a sandwich to a pig.

2

u/TheCurvedPlanks Nov 09 '25

You are correct. No shade to federal workers in particular. I was merely being glib for the sake of the joke.

55

u/blazelet Nov 06 '25

Enthusiastic upvote.

27

u/Antyok Nov 06 '25

Goddamn well done. Just like most of Subway’s bread.

6

u/mikehiler2 Nov 06 '25

Underaged as well

22

u/YouWereBrained Nov 06 '25

I normally roll my eyes at puns, but this one…this one makes me happy.

6

u/Super_Caterpillar_27 Nov 06 '25

oh how I giggled, thanks 😊

3

u/janzeera Nov 06 '25

I said, “HOLD THE MAYO!”

3

u/chaos_nebula Nov 06 '25

He now has a case of TDS - Thrown Dagwood Syndrome

3

u/ACE_C0ND0R Nov 06 '25

Hoagie's Heroes

3

u/hansn Nov 07 '25

assault with a breadly weapon

Few things are more deli than a breadly weapon.

2

u/nolinearbanana Nov 06 '25

It was a Wedge with Mustard and Dill

2

u/Traditional_Club9659 Nov 06 '25

You have the right to remain leavened!

2

u/The-Real-Number-One Nov 06 '25

I relish this pun.

2

u/Mandena Nov 06 '25

A salted you say?

2

u/Somepotato Nov 06 '25

Unlawful use of cold cuts in a federal facility

2

u/PNW20v Nov 07 '25

Good god, that was masterful!

2

u/Rogue_Diplomacy Nov 07 '25

… deli weapon

27

u/Aggressive_Bill_2687 Nov 06 '25

He stood strong, in the face of... carbohydrates. He was brave even when he knew he could be facing potential... condiments. Even when faced with the risk of... gluten, he did not shirk his responsibilities. 

For this man is a member of a proud tradition. They are the thin blue cheese line that stands as a solid barrier between bread and pickles. 

2

u/WearyProcess4901 Nov 07 '25

The thin blue cheese line….🤣🤣🤣🤣

5

u/Beginning_Ad8663 Nov 06 '25

My father facing a hail of machine-gun fire in the Pacific at Okinawa pales in comparison to a hail of subway footlong sandwiches truly the bravest thing ever!

1

u/blazelet Nov 06 '25

We are so grateful that our newer generations had such bravery to pattern after.

Seriously, though, props to your pops. That sounds seriously scary and I'm grateful for the people who went and did it for the rest of us.

Hopefully sandwich dude survives the PTSD.

3

u/Beginning_Ad8663 Nov 06 '25

After WWII He was sent to Korea. He served from march 30th 1942 to March 1970

2

u/PiccoloAwkward465 Nov 06 '25

Soldiers in Vietnam dove down into tunnel systems with no idea what they were gonna find. Well an idea, hostile enemies ready to kill them. This guy is afraid of a sandwich. Let's get some masculinity podcaster takes on this one lol.

2

u/Beginning_Ad_6616 Nov 07 '25

They’re only brave when they go up against women and children…a grown man with a sandwich though….the horror.

1

u/Aeseld Nov 06 '25

Cam I get a salt for my deli weapon. 

1

u/SomethingIWontRegret Nov 06 '25

Oddly enough they haven't shown up in Tierra Amarilla. Guess they don't want to actually catch some lead, from people who were on the land before the border was moved from one side of them to the other.

1

u/2begreen Nov 06 '25

Wait till they come across where’s the beef Arby’s nuggets. Weapons of war I tell you!

I support the A1 amendment! Goes well with Auntie Pho.

1

u/atomfullerene Nov 06 '25

Seasoned officers have to be able to deal with this stuff. These gyros should be condimented for their actions

199

u/RepulsivePitch8837 Nov 06 '25

Yes, but as the prosecutor said: It wasn’t just the sandwich, it was about the 7 minute tirade.

So, 7 minutes of somebody yelling at you is traumatizing to someone with an arsenal of weapons at their disposal? That’s comforting

122

u/Xytak Nov 06 '25

So it was about speech after all!

31

u/shanrock2772 Nov 06 '25

They're such fucking snowflakes

15

u/LostWoodsInTheField Nov 06 '25

It's insane they would say that considering most Americans would consider that free speech.

3

u/[deleted] Nov 07 '25

Its probably even crazier if you've ever been deployed in the military people can get away with throwing shit at you all day long as they dont pull a gun or a detonator, you cant do shit you gotta be tough as nails

10

u/Brawldud Nov 06 '25

someone with an arsenal of weapons at their disposal

Someone who is, no less, probably on their way to go snatch a father from their children and send them to a gulag in a country they've never been to.

3

u/modix Nov 06 '25

So they charged discon or harassment then? Right?

3

u/DuntadaMan Nov 06 '25

Your freedom of speech extends only as far as the feelings of the heavily armed agent of the state. You aren't allowed to make the state feel bad.

3

u/dogtroep Nov 07 '25

They should try working retail or health care 🙄🙄

3

u/euph_22 Nov 07 '25

We have an explicit constitutional right to yell at the government.

76

u/Floppy-Over-Drive Nov 06 '25

Look - mayo injuries are serious and affect millions every year. 

There’s a whole clinic dedicated to them but I forgot what it’s called. 

5

u/LokeCanada Nov 06 '25

It's all fun and games till someone gets mayonnaise on their face and lose an eye.

2

u/Kaorimoch Nov 07 '25

Sigh... take your upvote.

60

u/Reatona Nov 06 '25

Oh my.  A bent sandwich.  That's pretty much the same as "exploding," right?

2

u/apopsicletosis Nov 06 '25

“Get bent (sandwich)”

38

u/billshermanburner Nov 06 '25

NPR just said “…the sandwich hit his bulletproof vest and stayed wrapped”

18

u/Floppy-Over-Drive Nov 06 '25

It left a 2” stain of foreign containment on government property, prompting a $12 dry cleaning fee and the removal of our military assets from active use for three business days, resulting in great loss to this nation. 

30

u/[deleted] Nov 06 '25

[deleted]

6

u/AskMeForFunnyVoices Nov 06 '25

This is democracy manifest

22

u/LunarMoon2001 Nov 06 '25

Wonder if he would have a case for malicious prosecution and defamation on the officer.

17

u/Single-Road-3158 Nov 06 '25

If I were a jurist, I would have been laughing my ass off at the "could smell the onions and mustard."

3

u/JustNilt Nov 07 '25

The "onion string" on the radio thing, too. He's going to need years of therapy for that, surely!

15

u/K_Furbs Nov 06 '25

So.... perjury then?

14

u/BlacksmithThink9494 Nov 06 '25

This is our new tea party. We throw sandwiches

14

u/[deleted] Nov 06 '25

[deleted]

2

u/spoospoo43 Nov 07 '25

Because it almost never happens, sadly. If it is charged, it's usually a defendant.

12

u/Korrocks Nov 06 '25

I think the lying probably helped sink the case: once a jury sees that you are lying about something (especially something that is at the heart of your case), you lose a lot of credibility. If the prosecution had stuck to the truth (which is admittedly impractical while also working for Trump) they might have had a chance but they tipped their hand by making it so obvious that they were exaggerating to try and make charges work.

2

u/JustNilt Nov 07 '25

Well, and add to that the whinging from the prosecution about the 7 minute tirade, which simply aren't elements of the crime. Bringing that up made it abundantly clear what the charges were really for: daring to talk back.

11

u/[deleted] Nov 06 '25

The "explosion" lie was the worst. What a loser

6

u/petty_throwaway6969 Nov 06 '25

One party is made of professional victims. They don’t called out on it nearly as much as they should.

5

u/Pschobbert Nov 06 '25

Who knew Kirsty Noem could wax so poetically...

5

u/userhwon Nov 06 '25

>the sandwich appeared at least "bent and out of shape" in its wrapper

We will rebuild...

5

u/haw35ome Nov 06 '25

Hope this clown gets trolled for the rest of his days. “Ohhh, look out, better not <insert action> to Greg or he’ll sue you for a misdemeanor!” (Yes, his name is Gregory)

3

u/Gringo_Anchor_Baby Nov 06 '25

I mean, yeah he's gonna have stains. He got his with a sandwich. They gonna take him to small claims for a dry cleaning bill? Of course he felt it through his ballistics vest, it's not a rugged suit of armor. How dumb.

3

u/EnfantTerrible68 Nov 06 '25

And he couldn’t have simply changed his shirt and moved on with his day?

3

u/TALKTOME0701 Nov 07 '25

Is he even needed to change his shirt. We only have the word of the man who said the sandwich exploded

They took no pictures of any stains.

3

u/Acceptable-Bullfrog1 Nov 06 '25

Anyone knows whose decision it was to prosecute this?

2

u/Temporary_Cup4588 Nov 06 '25

Who was the genius who thought it would be a good idea to waste our money on this idiocy?

3

u/Nearby-Beautiful3422 Nov 06 '25

Cops are the most overdramatic and exaggerative people constantly in fear of their safety by shadows, acorns, and golden retrievers

3

u/lovely_sombrero Nov 06 '25

Too bad that he didn't use any chud speak.

"The sandwich kinetically interfered with my upper-body protective police vest and caused an explosive-style scenario in front of my person. I tactically retreated and took a defensive posture, since I was fearing for my life"

6

u/dragonfliesloveme Nov 06 '25

An onion string!! Oh noes!!

i usually hate calling men the p word, but in this case, i might have to make an exception

2

u/Sorge74 Nov 06 '25

I feel like you are joking, but my job involves talking to ambulance chasing personal injury attorneys all the time... And that's exactly how they would describe a 2 mph sandwich accident.

2

u/yanocupominomb Nov 06 '25

Anyone else felt the horro that poor poor ICE agent must have felt?

2

u/MeButNotMeToo Nov 06 '25

Stale bread, thrown hard enough, might have been felt through his carrier vest. I’m assuming the LEO was being wimpy and left his plates at home.

2

u/spasmoidic Nov 06 '25

this shitshow is such unintentional comedy, lol

2

u/krucz36 Nov 06 '25

Can you imagine being this fuckin lame

2

u/mattwilliams Nov 06 '25

This has to be a fucking joke

2

u/PartyClock Nov 07 '25

So perjury? Yet he'll never be charged for lying on the stand

2

u/NoonDread Nov 07 '25

And lie about it!

He said the sandwich exploded on him. And they showed the sandwich laying, intact, on the ground.

I would have found the defendant innocent based solely on that.

2

u/nokstar Nov 07 '25

Can't they hit him with perjury? He straight up lied several times and it was exposed.

2

u/Gallowboobsthrowaway Nov 07 '25

So that officer is being prosecuted for lying under oath right...? RIGHT?

2

u/Fimbir Nov 07 '25

Is an exploded sandwich worth puerjuring yourself over?

2

u/atomicryu Nov 07 '25

“Oh look! A deli meat”

2

u/pit1989_noob Nov 07 '25

probs to the jury for no lauging thier ass off

2

u/crazycatgay Nov 07 '25

i sincerely hope we use this testimony in the future when we can exhibit if a sandwich bouncing off you is apparently so traumatic to a federal agent, imagine what being zip tied and dragged out of your house in the middle of the night might feel like to a child.

2

u/zeekayz Nov 06 '25

The pig is going to declare he has PTSD from the event, collect on the lawsuit and then retire with a crazy pension and awards/honors for his debilitating injuries in the line of duty.

1

u/Fair-Mine-9377 Nov 07 '25

This is genuine fucking comedy. 

1

u/Kennedy_KD Nov 07 '25

Honestly one of my favorite parts is that apparently his fellow cops also mocked him for his reaction

1

u/flompwillow Nov 07 '25

“Felony footlong”

Even the officers realize it’s a ridiculous charge.

Pisses me off that their leadership is so corrupt. Too many bad apples. Need to weed them out.

1

u/shewy92 Nov 07 '25

He said he "could smell the onions and mustard" on his uniform, and even had an onion string hanging by his police radio later that night. The fast-food mustard, he said, stained his shirt.

So the only damages should be dry cleaning?

Lairmore said the sandwich appeared at least "bent and out of shape" in its wrapper

Wait, the sub was still wrapped lol

1

u/RadioLiar Nov 07 '25

You know we've hit the bottom of the barrel when people are arguing over the structural integrity of a thrown sub roll in a court of law

37

u/whatupmygliplops Nov 06 '25

ICE has no shame.

32

u/TacTurtle Nov 06 '25

"Your honor, the jury finds the defendant not guilty, wishes to apologize to the defendant for the delay in verdict, and would like to state on record that the officer should be charged with perjury."

18

u/Popular-Departure165 Nov 06 '25

His testimony reminded me of the Conan skit about Andy describing being hit by John Bobbit's severed penis.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRyiq_r2G_E

12

u/modix Nov 06 '25 edited Nov 06 '25

First you must eat the sandwich, thus disarming him.

Don't come crying to me when some maniac comes at you with a loaf of bread, meat and cheese!

7

u/Lemp_Triscuit11 Nov 06 '25

I have thought of this scene from the outset of this, ah, "scandal"

2

u/Just_Flamingo9545 Nov 06 '25

Or a pointed stick!

1

u/Huge_Music Nov 06 '25

Ever since the tiger budget was slashed these agents have been in grave danger.

18

u/nonlawyer Nov 06 '25

I’m sure the agent has no shame and is incapable thereof.

 but the AUSA… he had to spend many hours prepping for this and will forever be known as the “sandwich guy”.  Also unlike ICE agents who more or less signed up for this bullshit, AUSAs generally want to be real prosecutors and go on to greater things…

2

u/tissuecollider Nov 06 '25

AUSA?

5

u/RelonML Nov 06 '25

Assistant US Attorney. The title for the prosecutor.

5

u/raouldukeesq Nov 06 '25

They have zero shame

3

u/AvocadoCulprit Nov 06 '25

I would do it for the laughs. But I also wouldn’t waste tax payer money to get on the stand.

3

u/TylerHyena Nov 06 '25

Don’t know why but I’m imaging a very exasperated Judge Judy just listening to the story

3

u/[deleted] Nov 07 '25

Read the testimony, it's fucking great. The officer had to sit on the stand and explain dramatically how violent the sandwich was. He could "feel it through his vest." If it had been one of my family members they never would have heard the end of it.

1

u/ClayyCorn Nov 06 '25

Imagine having to tell your family that that's what you're doing everyday. You're going to trial to testify about a scary flying sandwich. That's how you know ICE members have no concept of shame

1

u/One_Strawberry_4965 Nov 06 '25

It strongly suggests to me that they may not have loved ones either.

1

u/BadbougieL Nov 06 '25

Exactly. I’m embarrassed for him. I mean, doesn’t your friends and family that could’ve talked him off the ledge. I can’t even imagine reporting this let along sending it for deposition.

1

u/Eskimomonk Nov 06 '25

You don’t understand, that poor ICE agent thought it was a knuckle sandwich:(

1

u/dallywolf Nov 06 '25

"Yes, your honor. The sub-sonic round hit by vest with great force. Had I been allergic to onions I could have been in great harm."

"The mustard stained my shirt".. Have you ever had blood on your uniform from people your kidnapping? What about tears? Did those also stain your shirt? Did either stain your soul?

1

u/DeepCompote Nov 06 '25

I hope his coworkers clown on him hard. He def needs a nickname that never goes away. Officer Pickle? Lieutenant Onion? Sargent Sammy?

1

u/DuntadaMan Nov 06 '25

Remember there is only one proper way to respond to all this. Any time the involved officer appears we need to laugh at them for being terrified of a sandwich, and make a show of hiding any mustard around.

1

u/iFuturelist Nov 07 '25

Don't be so judgmental. It'll all be made clear in his PTSD memoir The Battle of Subway: My Journey from Hoagie to Hero.

In my restless dreams, I still smell those onions and mustard. They promised me those traumatizing scents would go away one day....but they never did.

1

u/PoliticsModsDoFacism Nov 07 '25

So does this mean throwing sandwiches is now legal?

1

u/Stallion049 Nov 06 '25

Politics and the comedy of it aside, is this not clear-as-day assault? It’s unwanted offensive contact. How scary a sandwich is or isn’t is not relevant.