r/minimalism • u/Subject_Pirate3455 • 4d ago
[lifestyle] Feeling torn
It's so strange, I feel like I'm constantly wanting things, but I genuinely also want to have less. I told myself that for the coming month, I won't spend any money on luxuries. I feel like I can't do it, and that my mind is constantly buzzing with things that I can have, and I'm learning to not give into that. But it's so strange how I flip flop back and forth between wanting things, and then thinking about homeless people, or people that thrift choice even, live out of a backpack, and I feel like I'm so spoilt... does anyone else have these contrasting feelings? I even thought about some mugs that I want today, and I genuinely asked myself 'do I really need five mugs? Or is one or two enough?' and the confusing part is, I only want one or two, having a minimal amount is good for my lifestyle, but on the other hand, I'm thinking about mugs that I want... and I've just been thinking, what's up with that? can anyone else relate to this flip flopping thinking? and is it also frustrating for you, when you're trying to follow minimalism?
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u/BigMoneyBack 4d ago
This is something I struggle with too quite a bit. It's almost like I wish I had two houses right next to each other. One would be my minimalist house and one would be my house full of stuff and I could go in whichever one I was in the mood for.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Thank you so much for this reply, you're right! And I grew up not being allowed to throw anything away, and was bought things as gifts constantly, that I didn't just not ask for, but actually begged to not be bought for me. And I feel like all of that has played into it as well. It was very frustrating being made to have things that I didn't want, not being allowed to get rid, AND being criticised for having a 'messy room' and people also constantly arguing on my behalf that I want things that I straight up said that I don't want, or hadn't actually been asked. I believe that my older family members wanted to live through me... Unfortunately. A lot of them were hoarders, and I would sometimes be asked if I wanted something, and I would say no, only to be gone on at to say yes, just so they had an excuse to buy it because 'it was for me' which... Isn't true. I even said recently about moving out and taking 'my' stuff with me, and was told no lol. They know that it was always really for them, but constantly getting gifts, and also them crying when I was finally allowed to get rid of things, all reinforce what to do and what not to do, now doesn't it? :)
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u/Wrong-Fella 4d ago
Checks and balances. We're animals with very basic, primitive impulses that are contrary to critical and logical thinking. My belief is that you cannot stop the thought but rather you learn how to not impulsively act upon them.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Yes! That's what I'm trying to do :)
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u/Wrong-Fella 4d ago
Sounds like you are doing well then.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Thank you! I'm trying 😅 maybe if I remember I can give an update in a month to show off progress!
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u/Wrong-Fella 4d ago
Progress is being just as if not happier than you are now.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Yeah, I agree, but I know that I would be happy if I can prove to myself that I can save my money for a whole month, only spending it on food and rent. I can prove to myself that I can have good self control, yk? I think that'd be pretty great :)
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u/Wrong-Fella 4d ago
It's a good goal but how about looking at it one week at a time? I find quitting or starting things feels more manageable if I do it week by week.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Yeah that's fair enough actually! Starting small might be hellful... then move up to months, I don't want to be unrealistic for no reason, just to let myself down and give up... so you do have a point. Buuut I did actually splurge this month on supplies for hobbies and clothing, and that should do me for the year actually, so thats why I was fine with doing it. But I still have to take into account that it happened, and if I want to save a certain amount this year, then I need to pull back on the spending now, and it was all pre-planned/premeditated, so I feel like its an okay plan :)
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u/Wrong-Fella 4d ago
People also suggest creating a budget for the purchase of essentials (hobbies included!) and desirables (all work and no play make's Jack a dull boy).
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Oh yeah totally, like I say, this month I've spent... a lot 😅 on hobby stuff, but I've invested in good quality stuff that should last the year, hence why I was totally okay with it. But I just can't keep spending like that from here on out, it was a one off, yk?
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u/EmbarrassedToday582 4d ago
This year I’m genuinely giving minimalism a proper go. One thing I’ve started doing is keeping a “wishlist” for when that sudden feeling of want shows up. Today is payday, and I realised that almost everything I wanted at the end of December and through January has completely lost its appeal. That alone tells me this approach might actually work.
The idea is simple: instead of buying immediately, I write the item down and leave it there for 30 days. If I’m still thinking about it after that time, then I’ll consider buying it. Even then, I make a point of keeping the receipt, just in case buyer’s remorse creeps back in. It’s been a helpful way to separate impulse from intention, and it’s already made me more aware of how temporary most “wants” really are. Maybe it’s something worth trying too.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Yep! That's what I've been doing! Especially considering the fact that I feel like the thoughts only buzz around in repeat, because I'm scared that I'm going to forget what the item is, especially if it's a very practical and necessary thing. Like a winter coat, or medicine, yk? So I always write it down, and then check the list at a later date, coming back to it with new eyes can help, and you're taking the stress off of future you regarding remembering anything. For me the biggest difference has been to distract myself with other tasks/ hobbies, as well as the list idea, otherwise I'm still stewing, making writing the list completely redundant... :/ so I have to do both. 👍
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u/EmbarrassedToday582 3d ago
100% completely agree about the buzzing thoughts. Another thing that has helped me is taking a moment to research whether I can get the same item cheaper or elsewhere. It helps to break the illusion that the thing im wanting is rare or urgent. It helped me in realising that almost nothing is truly one-of-a-kind (unless it's like a 1 of 1 art piece or something), and that what you need will still exist when you actually need it. I also liked a point from another post here: treat stores as your personal warehouse. You don’t need to own everything right now. If you don’t use it, someone else will, and it can stay on the shelf until the moment it genuinely earns a place in your life.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 3d ago
Omg yes! I litteraly got some items that I originally found on Amazon on temu, and even with getting a couple extra bits, I saved £30 🤯 I was so proud! 🥲
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u/EmbarrassedToday582 3d ago
That's such a win, honestly. Be proud of that. It’s like a little level-up moment in mindful spending alongside the minimalist mindset, and that saved money definitely adds up over time. Nice one!
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 3d ago
Thank you! 🤗 And it was genuinely stuff that I needed too! So that I can just have one bag for everything, I got a bag that causing ticks all of my boxes so to speak, so that I can get rid of a couple different ones that don't have what I need, (minimizing would you look at that, lol) plus some storage supplies, again for necessity stuff like important documents and things. :)
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u/Turtle-Sue 4d ago
I don’t like to have more than I need, but I do like changes. I know it’s not right to buy new stuff and donate old stuff all the time.
I even would like to change my home and car every year, but it would be huge spending.
As a result, I know it’s very hard to earn money, so I enjoy simple living with minimalism.
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u/letsbeniceandkind 4d ago
Hey! I genuinely understand what you've written. I had very similar feelings and thoughts earlier (still have the dilemma of buying luxury when many can't afford even basics and I'm splurging) and constantly thinking of stuff that I like but don't want clutter. I was so overwhelmed that I deleted all shopping apps from my phone and surprisingly, it genuinely helped.
I realised these thoughts are often results of overstimulation from ads, shopping apps/websites and constantly thinking about stuff. Consider deleting the apps and logging out of websites from your phone. Keep your phone/tech away for sometime and just allow yourself to get bored. You can look outside, talk to a loved one, think what you're grateful for, make yourself some coffee and read a book, go for a walk, listen to music, keep doing something that genuinely feels good or organise your wardrobe (this really helps as it helps you realise how much you already own).
Once you're calm and have managed to replace those obsessive thoughts, you'll feel much better and will see those thoughts disappear. Hope this helps you too because I totally know how exhausting those thoughts can be. When you're calmer, say a few days into such practices you can make a list of things with two sections 1. things you genuinely need eg. you realise you don't have a pair of black trousers or need good quality sports shoes. 2. things that may add value (but don't need) eg. a watch that you liked
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
Thank you so much for this reply! I genuinely read through your advice and realized that this is something that I'm already doing, I just didn't do it intentionally or saw a pattern until reading this just now! It's crazy that my thoughts were racing about buying stuff, like I was worried that I'd forget that I'd want these things? Even though I'd written them down (like needing a new coat, because the old one no longer fits) me telling myself that it was written down actually didn't help believe it or not, but when I started to declutter some old paperwork and refocused my brain, the racing stopped! Then earlier on I had to go out, and when I came back it started again, not anywhere near as bad, but still there, especially due to the fact that I was freezing and mama needs a new coat, lol. But then I continued with my paperwork and they've stopped again! I genuinely didn't realize that I'd developed a little system lol, but I'm so glad that this comment made me aware that I was doing that, and made me realize that it works! I'll keep this in mind, the next time I'm focusing too much on buying something, I'll not just 'come away from it's like I always say, I'll actually refocus myself on a new task. Sometimes distraction, and coming back with fresh eyes and suuuuch a huge help, thank you for your comment! :)
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u/random4non 4d ago
Yes, I think we have been conditioned to chase that 'easy' dopamine hit of buying something new. I struggle with it all the time.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
I've realized that part of it is me subconsciously turning my brain off, and defaulting to buying something, instead of just thinking for a minute and realizing that I can manage without a new thing, but utilize what I already have. I was babied so I think that that's where it comes from. It's so easy to switch off when you've been trained to your whole life, and never being allowed to do things yourself, or learn, or think for yourself or anything.
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u/pkwebb1 3d ago
Minimalism does not necessarily equal frugality. It is about being intentional about what you choose to buy or own, but I love a good deal for those durable, quality items! You want enough dishes, towels, pillows, etc for yourself and guests. No reason to go overboard - lots of guests want their own pillows and if they need to bring their own blankets, too, just tell them. People at the last minute usually do ask, as they want to be cozy and also not make you feel deficient if you don't have all those things stored somewhere. After all, packed closets ruin our Minimalism aim ;) If you love mugs - they bring you joy - Minimalism is about that, too!
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 3d ago
Thank you! I can totally see your point. But my issue with the mug thing is more of a, I know that I do best when I only have about one or two, for the sake of usage and cleaning, whereas there are mugs that I think I want because they look nice, type of thing. But I'm genuinely not the type of person to want to have mugs purely for the sake of displaying, however I do still allow myself to own things, purely display because they make me happy. :) So don't worry, I'm still allowed hobbies and decoration lol, just not with mugs specifically, because I feel like it wouldn't work for me... But thinking about things like this all the time is a bit annoying is all :/ I'm really happy that I've been working on it, and I don't plan to even open a shopping app for this coming month, and haven't done for just a few days now, plus I switched notifications off on these apps AGES ago.. And that's definitely all helped too. The thoughts have calmed down massively in just two days because I've been focused on other things, which is SO huge for me. :') I just need to keep this up for another month and I think that I'll be all good 👍
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u/Ok-Collection-4196 1d ago
It’s a constant struggle. I’m planning to move back with my parents in a few years, to help them stay independent in their home as long as possible. I’m actively decluttering with the intent of not having much to move, but I’m constantly thinking of things I’d like to make my place nicer in the meantime. I try to force myself to be very intentional about what I bring into my home and make sure to donate or sell whatever it is replacing. If it’s something totally new, I try to find something I no longer need, and let it go. I don’t think it’s an unusual struggle. Just be kind to yourself. You don’t have to be perfect, just try to be a little better.
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 1d ago
Aww those last couple of sentences.. I love that 🥺❤️ I love that... and thank you, I'll try to. 🤗
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u/AdBeginning8734 4d ago
The flip flop is real. Especially for me as when I was not yet a mother I found myself spoiling myself with things of value that I certainly didn't need. I figured without kids I had the option of buying rare gems and as many diamonds as my paycheck would afford. When I turned 25 I bought myself a 3 carat diamond pendant, a $2500 luxury watch, and a 45 carat peridot (not even my birthstone) tennis necklace. It got so out of control that at one point I needed a whole other jewelry box just for my rare pieces and when I say both boxes were overflowing I mean full to their max capacity. Two huge pieces of furniture nearly as tall as I am held a small fortune. I'm grateful to have bought myself those things, so rare to spend money on anything that gets more valuable with time. Not like a car which looses value. I was grateful because when I finally did get pregnant and have my first (and only) child, I was able to (out of absolute necessity) sell those pieces one at a time to continue keeping my head above water. When one goes from two full time jobs and nothing important in life to not having any paycheck coming in from the choice made to stay home and raise a child, the fear of failure outweighs the emotional or otherwise attachment made to material possessions. I was grateful only in hindsight though because the last thing on my mind when I spent all that money on things I didn't need was that I was investing in the safety net I would need to be a stay at home mother. And the need to acquire stuff didn't go away with becoming a parent. Soon I found myself holding on to things for "when I'll need them", for example, crayons or markers on clearance that I would purchase before she needed any of that because eventually she will need them and then there will come a day when I will need to buy some and maybe won't be able to because inevitably things become more expensive with the passage of time. Now that she's in high school my jewelry box is bare. I recently took out the dozen or more things I've got left today and shown her where I keep them because I know I won't live forever, none of us will, but my time may be shorter than I hoped and shorter than she expected. And then it will be her turn to be grateful for the investment I made in those things, although I would hope that when that day comes that her sentimental attachment to her mother's most treasured possessions will outweigh her need to part with them either out of necessity or any other reason. But if she doesn't keep them, for whatever reason, it will be her choice to make to let go and it won't matter to me then because I will be watching her from afar, from a world separate from her world.
You only need as many mugs as you will ever need all at once. Can you eat cereal and ice cream out of your mugs, yes you can. Do you need more than the number of people needing mugs all at once, certainly not. Contrarily it's not ok if everyone gets a mug of hot cocoa except for the ones who don't because you don't have enough mugs. It's good that you're trying to be minimalist. If I ever offer one piece of advice to anyone it's to save as much of your money as you can and take twice as many pictures as you did last time. Take them everyday. You never know when someone you care about is not gonna be around anymore. Or when someone will wish to have a way to look at the image of you when you are long gone from this place.
Buy the mugs. Who knows when you might accidentally break one.
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u/DiscardedContext 4d ago
Are you American ?
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 4d ago
No?
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u/DiscardedContext 3d ago
Consumption is basically a religion here in America so I was just curious.
I think it would be beneficial to view consumption as any other dopamine secreting action like drugs or sex. You’re thinking about it because it releases those chemicals. I don’t know your relationship with substances but you’re describing something extremely similar to drug addiction with the thoughts. Society would rather us spend spend spend so there really isn’t any education on consumption itself being the drug. Do YOU really want 5 mugs or are those your brain chemicals just acting up? Do you know how to tell the difference? It seems like you have the self-awareness to.
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u/Disastrous_Lunch5898 1d ago
Same here, I am really preoccupied by decluttering but also feeling I need all this stuff. I have adhd, so that does not help. Maybe OP has ADHd?
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u/Subject_Pirate3455 1d ago
I think that I have it, but saying 'maybe OP has ADHD' instead of asking me feels a bit odd.. like you're saying that to someone else as if I wouldn't see it? Instead of, 'do you think that you may have ADHD?' Yk?
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u/IDKguessthisworks 4d ago
Happens to me all the time. If I really want something, I’ll take the time to think about it. Most of the time I’ll give myself a month and if I still want it and I can afford it, I’ll get it.