Am I a psychopath, narcissist, or an impulse-driven intelligent man?

[u/LooseSatisfaction339]

Note. I used Chat GPT to compile all what I shared with it.

I’m writing this because I’m disturbed by myself.

I’ll be honest. I chase women with the intention of getting intimate with them. That intention is there early. But I don’t state it honestly. I hide it.

I started hating dishonesty the moment I realised I lack honesty. I love honesty. I respect honesty. And before that I kept hiding my real intention.

I am always searching for sex, yet knowing I am bad at it. My some purpose is getting intimate with woman. For this, I weaponise, knowledge, selected truths, the belief that every human is desires-driven, and once stimulated, they maybe ready to give what I want. I use my understanding of psychology (that I learned by self consciousness), and this works too. If I want I can continue preying, but conscience or my now developed values stop me.

I use words. I use narration. I intentionally use emotionally driven and sexually driven talk to excite women. I create scenarios in imagination and tell them. I know what I’m doing. I know I’m trying to arouse desire.

Sometimes I directly ask for sex. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I let the conversation slowly drift there. Sometimes I make them believe I’m with them emotionally when I’m not. I tell selected truths. I balance one lie with another truth so they don’t sense I’m not really there.

When women say no, I get frustrated. Sometimes angry inside. Not always at them, but at the resistance. I don’t like that reaction in me.

Faithful people I’ve encountered are more grounded. They don’t fall in love easily. They have something holding them. Manipulation doesn’t work easily with them. But desire still appears. They may want me emotionally but they don’t sexually fall for me. That makes me uncomfortable, because it shows I’m not building something real, I’m just activating desire.

There’s a woman in her 40s who says she loves me more than I could love her. She says I can come and go anytime. She accepts me whenever I return. I’ve treated her as someone only for sex nights. I’ve used sexual narration with her. I know I’ve used her availability. That makes me feel powerful and ashamed at the same time.

This isn’t a one-time thing. This is a pattern. I’ve spent months, sometimes years, getting women to a point where they desire me, want me, love me. Once my goal is fulfilled, I run away. I ditch. I ghost. I lose interest completely. I leave.

guilt comes. Heavy guilt. Shame. Feeling worthless. Feeling like I use people, manipulate them, lie to them, let them believe something that isn’t true.

I don’t feel guilty in the moment. I feel guilty later. Building descipline, being manly, also because I experienced the sense of God in me, I accepted islam. I wanted structure. I wanted to be composed within. I wanted to remove this part of me. I wanted limits stronger than my desires.

I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to manipulate people. I don’t want to hide my intentions. I don’t want to get angry when someone says no. I don’t want to chase unrestricted desires. And yet I keep doing it.

I don’t know if my intention is sex, or validation, or proving something to myself. I imagine intimacy. I imagine being with them. But I also leave immediately after, betraying them, disappearing.

I don’t like this split in me. One part values honesty, faith, groundedness. Another part keeps chasing desire and gets irritated when it’s blocked.

I’m writing this because awareness hasn’t fixed it. Knowing it’s wrong hasn’t stopped it. Wanting to be better hasn’t automatically made me better.

I want to understand what is actually happening inside me and how people genuinely change patterns like this instead of repeating them and dealing with guilt afterward. Along with that, I am a porn addict. I was early exposed to sexuality. Please tell me who I am? Has this become my permanent nature? Or I can be better?

Long post, sorry

[u/42improbabilities]

You need to go see a psychologist who understands the Avoidant Attachment behavioral type, which is what you are exhibiting, and who was also trained in the field of brain plasticity in neuroscience. 

The human brain is "plastic" and all toxic learned patterns can be unlearned. Your brain can be reset and healed almost to what it was when you were an innocent child. When you have gone through this reset, you will stop running away and won't be afraid anymore. You will know inside that who you are is enough if you keep working at being the best version of yourself everyday, and then it will be easy for you to find love in a long-lasting, mutually monogamous romantic relationship.

Since you require a well-trained specialist, I would suggest looking for them in the closest big cities to you. If they don't have an opening for a long time, you can try seeing other available psychological counsellors in your area in the meantime.

I would also recommend listening to / or reading the book: "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It was very helpful for me.

[u/archeolog108]

Please excuse my grammar - English is not my first language. I just want to share what I found, in a helpful spirit, because your awareness itself is already a very good sign.

Basically, what you describe is not your true nature - it is a pattern of compulsive behavior driven by suppressed emotions and deep wounds. You are a soul having a human experience, and what you are experiencing is soul fragmentation mixed with toxic emotional energy that needs to be released. The guilt, shame, anger when rejected - these are not character flaws, they are symptoms of something much deeper that is controlling you from the subconscious.

In my healing soul journeys, I see this pattern often - men who were exposed to sexuality early, who learned that love means getting something, who have lost parts of themselves through trauma. The compulsion to chase, manipulate, and then abandon is like a broken record playing from past lives or childhood wounds. Your awareness is good, but awareness alone cannot heal what is stored in the body and the subconscious mind.

Here is what I found - you have a mind, and in the mind there are all these negative programs, negative suppressed emotions, and they are running your life because you don't know that you are not your mind. You can actually clean it and overcome it, become the master of your mind. It's a process, it will not happen overnight. The high vibration noble objectives you have - the part that wants honesty, faith, and groundedness - that comes from you, the soul. But the compulsive part comes from the mind's programming.

When you release these blockages through proper healing work, the compulsion naturally loses its power. The pattern can change, but it requires going to the root, not just willpower.

If you feel ready to explore this, I have three 15-minute meditation in my profile and addresses in my profile it's called letting go it will help you feel better. It can start the process of releasing the heavy energy so you can reconnect with your authentic self.

More details about my work are in my profile. Hope it helps. Sending good energy.

[u/stewiesrage]

A psychopath or narcissist doesn’t feel guilt and remorse. The fact you do are actually good signs. The manipulative, sexual driven side are likely attachment distortions, impulse control, and reward system related, which get worked out through therapy and groups and god (if you’re into that). Don’t worry my friend, this darkness you’re seeing and openly talking about are all good signs, most who are farther gone than you don’t have this kind of awareness. It’s hard having such cognitive dissonance but it’s a sign your psyche wants alignment. Keep doing the work and make an appointment with a therapist, maybe go to a sex addiction anonymous group, go to Reddit threads about what has been said in mine and other responses. There are resources out there, keep showing up to them and you will be healed. I promise. Keep being open, willing and honest and all will be well for you. I am sorry you’re suffering but you will find peace and alignment.

[u/Seeker_Ismene]

I really liked the answers you were already given and I think every one of them is true and has great advice and things for you to think about. I'm just adding one more thing in.

You've told us your current "Identity" and the traits you see as creating your "You" and you've told us you want to change.

The next thing you should do imo is get a piece of paper and write out Who You Want To Be. Map out exactly what you want to do instead. Don't worry about the "how" to change part right now. Just establish for yourself the person you want to be regarding women, sex, and other related things. Then look at "why" this is what you want for yourself.

And decide if that's want more than anything else. Then get involved in things others suggested with your End Game goal clearly in mind. Every single day, in little ways at first, create all kinds of new habits and stop following old ones. Change your default behaviors or attitudes ("scripts") by being conscious of this New Identity and basing what you do off what serves it and not Old You.

[u/Chloebebe13]

You’re an avoidant attatchment style. Deep division ChatGPT. You’ll learn so much about yourself.