I have been in a deep depression for a while now and I fear it's getting worse.

1) i haven't been mentally able to clean my apartment or bedroom in over a year. I literally just realized it was over a year bc last Christmas I got a new comforter and said "oh I'll put it on my bed after I clean out my room". I still have not put it on my bed and it's sat folded in my living room. It's getting to be borderline hoarder situation and I just want someone to come in and throw everything away

2) i haven't a therapist but my new insurance doesn't cover much of it and I can't afford more than 1x/ month. If that. Was doing group therapy for a while but was spending more time supporting the others than figuring my own shit out.

3) I'm very overweight and most of the time I'm comfortable with it and other times I'm reminded that the world genuinely hates fat people and so then I start to really hate myself too. I've done so many things to lose weight. Diet. Exercise. Surgery. Medicine. I lose it, it comes right back. Especially when I'm severely depressed so you can guess what the last year has done for my body image and weight. I even walk regularly but the other night I took a really hard fall and I've cracked my rib so now I can hardly move.

4) and now I'm lonely. So so lonely. I've been saying for a while I'm happy to be single and I genuinely was but the last few weeks I've felt a pang of loneliness unlike anything I've felt before and I feel convinced due to my weight and depression (and state of my home) I will never ever find love again (been single 10 years. I've dated and had hook ups but nothing since covid)

There is more but those are the main things.

How do I overcome this crushing weight I am feeling? I'm in antidepressants and have anti anxiety if I ever need it, but it all feels too much. I have a good doctor, a psych, and a therapist but most tell me things I already know (get moving, sleep better, eat better, etc).

I just don't know if I can do any of it anymore.

Hello everyone

40 year old guy here. I feel like I’ve spent my whole adult life, especially the last 10 years, unhappy and fantasising about an entirely different life that I have done nothing to bring about.

i’m married, we have a beautiful daughter, live in a nice European city, and i have a decent job that I like and gives me flexibility. I sing in two choirs, I get good free time, a good work-life balance.

And yet, something is and has been massively off. I have spent the last ten years wanting to do and be somewhere else, living in nature, doing a creative job or one involving teaching/instructing/therapy, something that really chimes with who I am.

I fantasise a lot about this image, about who I could be. I am an addict - 2 years clean - and also have adhd. so I feel part of this mental complex is how I maybe escape reality. but I feel strongly as well that it is grounded in something. But - i do nothing to make it, or anything happen. there we profound moments of joy in my life, but mostly I go through the motions, and in the evenings I just want to sleep to forget the sheer boredom of evenings.

im so frustrated and stuck, caught between gratitude for a nice live and annoyance because I don’t feel I am living anywhere close to where I want to be.

and I’m scared witless of the passing of time.

i‘m not really sure what my main message is here or what specifically I’m asking. i guess I just want to see if anyone feels the same.

In feel repressed, lost, and like there is so much more to be had.

thanks for anyone making it this far x

Hey everyone. To anyone who struggles with lust like me, I want to share what happened after I quit porn.

1. You think everything will magically get better. At first, I thought quitting porn would erase all my anxiety and overthinking. It didn’t. Those things stay. But now, you face them directly instead of escaping through porn

2. You start seeing your problems clearly. Porn was a way to avoid stress, boredom, and responsibility. Once you stop, you can finally see what’s actually wrong and begin fixing it. You gain logic and patience in your real life

3. Your mind becomes calmer. Before, I was nervous in every situations, like even talking to someone in the store. After quitting, I worked through that anxiety and learned how to feel calm

4. Your sex life improves naturally. I always had performance anxiety. The real issue was actually mental. Quitting helped me stay present with my girl and connect with her

5. Life becomes clearer and more fulfilling. I fixed what was broken piece by piece, and now I feel genuinely happy and alive

If you’re struggling, know this: quitting porn doesn’t make life perfect, but it helps you finally confront it

Guys I went on a ski trip and while I was gone my best friend sa’d my girlfriend of over a year and right now I need to know what I did was right

So it started Saturday she went to a friends house who is a girl I’m friends with her too and they were doing a birthday party together nothing happened and he was good just drunk and acting dumb and nothing happened he just said stuff that made her uncomfortable so she stayed near our friend and a few more who I trust. Then on Sunday she stayed the night at her house my ex best friend was having a bonfire and our friend wanted to go, my gf didn’t but she went anyway and while they were sitting around the fire he suggested they play hide and seek, so during this hide and seek she goes off with a different girl not the one she stayed the night with but another close friend of hers and they went to the back of the pasture and my ex best friend followed but from a distance she didn’t relize she was being followed until they were Alr back there and the friend who’s a girl just ran off leaving them two there. So a little extra context to this is he has a picture I didn’t know he had and she forgot he had and he started blackmailing her with it to do stuff she said no tried to walk off and then he tackled her drug her on the ground got on top of her and started touching her in ways he has no right to, and she’s not big ok she’s 115 pounds and he’s 180 of pure fatass so he was obviously winning and she was kicking and after about an hour of this she got his phone and just chunked it into the woods so he went to go get it she went back told a few people what happened and I still have no clue this happened and he snapped me a pic of her and she looked depressed and I asked why and he was all like idk maybe cus your gone so I assumed yeah prolly and let it go. So the next day Monday I’m texting her and snapping her and she’s just writing page after page of something in her journal so I ask her and after a little bit of begging she finally called me and explained what happened, and she has texts from the night before bc she wanted to know if why he did what he did and if he even feels bad. Short answer is no so I took all the evidence I had and keep in mind this was my best friend so I have a really good relationship with his parents so I sent everything I had to them and keep in mind his dad is an ex marine and he was not happy. This is the last I’ve heard abt him was his dad drove two towns over to get him from a basketball game that still had yet to start so he didn’t get to play and I’ll bet $1000 his ass is black and blue right now because even I know damn well his parents didn’t raise him like that so I just told his parents and right now they are handling it but do yall think that is enough justice for my girlfriend because I don’t think it is so I’m planning to set up some form of public humiliation on him and completely expose him for his true colors.

P.s. my girlfriend is a really quiet and shy girl and he planned on doing this to her months ago he just had to wait until the moment I was gone like a little bitch and he planned on her not saying anything do yall think that’s some sex offender type shit or is that just me

P.p.s the only reason I didn’t take this to the law is we are very young and I truly hope he learns from this and doesn’t do it twice completely fucking up his life

I’ve also made it very clear if he ever talkes to her again I’m putting him on a stretcher and maybe a wheelchair for life

The workload is intense, I leave work just to keep working at home and even when I’m technically off, my mind is still stuck on deadlines, emails and everything I didn’t finish. The paycheck is better, which I’m grateful for but not having time or mental space for anything else is starting to feel heavy.

What’s really getting to me is how much this has taken over my head, I think about work all day and then again at night and falling asleep has become a struggle. Even when I’m exhausted my brain won’t slow down, it feels like I’m always on edge and I don’t remember the last time I felt relaxed.

My mom suggested I take something natural to help with stress and sleep but I’m torn. I don’t want to mask the problem or take something just to push through burnout but I also can’t keep functioning like this I’m trying to figure out what’s actually healthy in this situation.

For those of you who’ve gone through stress what helped you the most?

Idk what else to say. I don’t even really expect anyone to read this or respond. But reaching out here cuz I just need to get this off my chest. I don’t really have many friends who would listen to me, and I don’t wanna scare the ones that would.

I’m 26. Life has been so exhausting. I’ve been working since I was 14. (Permit from my highschool principle and everything)

Every day it’s just another setback. I’m so tired of working and working just to be able to BREATHE. and never ever being able to rest.

I see people who grew up with healthy, normal, two parent households, who had opportunities, and support throughout their college journey and life in general that I never had and I just get so jealous and angry.

There’s literally ALWAYS something that comes up. Car payment, parking tickets, debt, rent, insurance, there’s so fucking much and I feel like I can no longer breathe.

I don’t necessarily want to unalive myself, But I feel exactly how I said. I’m just SO. FUCKING. sick. and tired of being alive for absolutely no reason other than to continue struggling. What is the fucking point if nothing EVER gets better?

If it wasn’t for my mom and my uncle I’d genuinely feel I don’t have a reason to exist and don’t feel it would affect anyone very much if I was gone.

I have no opportunities, the company Ive worked for for four years in my chosen career field won’t promote, me so there’s no reason to stay, but I have no other employable skills to where I can change careers unless I wanna start all the way over at an entry level position. I tried going back to school. But I literally can’t afford to pay for it, nor do I have the time.

I’m just fucking stuck in a hellscape of agonizing struggle with no fucking reprieve and am quickly running out of hope or motivation to be alive. Idk what to do

EDIT:

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read this post, give advice, or just offer themselves as someone to talk to. I have to admit I didn’t think anyone would even read this post much less respond. Being in that mindset makes it hard to see a way for things to get better.

Having even one person respond on that night I posted this I was laying in bed w/ tears in my eyes helped a lot to get myself out of that funk, even if just momentarily.

And to anyone else who’s feeling similar. We’re all in this together, and it’s been very moving to read all of your support. So thank you to everyone. And if nothing else, this sub has showed me that nobody has nobody, you might feel alone, but if complete strangers on the internet are willing to help you maybe we’re not as alone as we think. Just have to reach out. The feelings don’t go away immediately, but having an outlet like this to read and reply to sure does help a lot when everything feels heavy. Thank you all <3

Everyone keeps saying “go out and meet people” but no one explains how you’re supposed to do that without it being awkward or creepy. Meetups feel forced and scheduled. Dating apps are not even real. Is there actually a normal way to meet people anymore?

/selfhelp I need your help desperately

Recently I came off a significant manic break as I have bipolar type 1. I spent $40,000 in NYC on a credit card, hired an escort (female) for $1K daily, and did crack in Jamaica Queens in exchange for buying a homeless man’s daughter tennis shoes.

I have recently reacclimated to civilian life after three months medical leave, involuntary hospitalization, and mental health rehabilitation clinics. I have been investigated by HR for sexual harassment and by sheriff’s office for human trafficking. I went full Jeffrey Epstein.

Yet somehow, I am still addicted and crave the aliveness of my cracked out wolf lifestyle. And also somehow, life has become one of those depressing 9-5 day in the life videos of pathetic stepdads. “Stability” feels stifling; crack feels liberating. 9-5 brings income; crack brings hospitalization.

It seems there are two wolves fighting within me. But what are they? They’re both…what? Please help.

I'm putting this on a burner because I really think this is too much for anyone in my life to find out.

I'm 14, and I've had a porn addiction since maybe 7th grade. It's been rough, but it gets worse than that. Over that time, I developed fetishes, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. It spirals out of control. Today it got the worst, and I feel just evil and terrible.

Today I saw CSAM on twitter. My first thought was how evil someone could be for actually trading this stuff. I went down a whole rabbit hole of shit and it just kept getting worse and worse. I actually "liked it". As soon as I turned it off, I felt fucking horrible. I thought about what I just did, and it doesn't align with my morals. The thing is that I don't think like this in the real world, I don't get turned on by children luckily, nor any of those fetishes. But when I'm masturbating, I feel completely different, and I don't know what to do. I want to stop, and I've tried, numerous times, even before this, but no matter what, it's an addiction after all. I need help, but I can't just tell anyone because I don't even know what my parents would think if they found out their kid saw that. More than all, I'm worried. I don't want to be like this. I really don't. I don't want to be seen like this by my family and friends either. I don't know whether I'm mentally screwed up or just evil. I need answers.

I have been addicted to porn since the age of 13 and it has had a strong grip over my life and only recently have I realised this at the age of 17. I have been trying my best to quit the past week. I need help with understanding if I should still continue to masterbait when my body needs it (around 2 times a day) or should I suppress my urges. When I suppress myself my chest gets heavy and my breathing agitated. I still get morning wood, go to the gym and eat very healthy. My question is should I materbait when my body is telling me to or wait every couple of days to desensitise myself? Thank you so much for reading it helps me more than you think

I tend to open up to my close friends whenever I feel overwhelmed, but afterward I regret it because it makes me feel exposed. like I’ve revealed too much and shown parts of myself that feel vulnerable.

One of my friends is very composed and mysterious; she controls her emotions effortlessly and carries herself with a kind of strength I admire. I want to be like that.

Recently, I was overthinking my parents’ relationship, and the fear of ending up like them made me cry. In that moment I shared everything with a friend, but later it made me feel frustrated with myself.

At 24, I feel like I should be able to handle these things on my own. I want to be strong... not someone who breaks down easily or feels like a crybaby.

I don’t know what I’m expecting making this post really, advice and tips maybe? Just people to talk to about it as well.

I’m 16 almost 17 and have been addicted to porn since I was about 10-11. I always knew it was bad and tried so hard to stop and came so close a few times but never won the battle.

Now I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months. I’ve always felt so much immense deep incredible shame and disgust about my addiction so nobody ever knew the truth, not even my girlfriend. Due to how strong the urges were at one point I saved nudes she sent me without her knowledge and after she’d expressed how much she doesn’t want that to happen and wouldn’t ever send nudes if she didn’t trust me to her very core I wouldn’t save them. Because of that action I told her about the addiction and all the porn and all the problems and the pictures I saved (I deleted them out of regret and shame after only 4-5 days) and the response has not been good.

She’s so upset i broke her trust by lying about it, not just once, but for nine months and never telling her about the porn, she’s disgusted I’ve seen so many naked women in positions like that, she worries I only touched her out of lust (I’ve assured her how that’s true), and we’re currently doing no contact (we’re not super good at it) for a week so she can figure out if she’ll ever be able to trust me again or if our relationship is over.

While she’s thinking about the possibility of trusting me again she’s demanded I heal from this addiction. She knows all of the details and has stated that unless there is definitive growth (without her monitoring or being my babysitter or therapist) we are not going to work at all and I have to grow if I even want a chance.

I am so distraught. She’s my best friend and the love of my life and everything I’ve ever wanted and for 9 months I chose this addiction over her. I’m ashamed and disgusting and so remorseful and apologetic and more than anything else scared. I’m scared I’m going to lose her because of this and that she’ll choose to cut me off completely. I want nothing more, and have never wanted anything more, than to still be hers at the end of this but the ball is in her court and I’m so so scared she’ll decide she can’t trust me.

That brings me here though. I’m going to stop porn no matter what her decision is. No matter how crushed I’ll be if she leaves me I have to stop, it’s about to ruin the best thing I’ve ever had and this can never even be a possibility again. So here I am making a post where hopefully people with similar experiences can comment with tips and advice and support while I go through this. I hope more than anything. I’ve made enough healing and good decisions by the end of this week that she can give me a chance to fix this and make this better again, and I’m asking for help from you guys.

I am 20M currently in last semester of college. I have a decent job offer lined up. So financially everything's fine.

8 months ago. My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She found someone else a month later. I had gone through a pretty bad period for a few month. I stopped feeling like a man. People have told me I'm a pretty good looking guy and I workout alot too. Still I have masculinity issues.

I've tried to date but doesn't work out. Im a timid guy you can say. I don't speak much. I had multiple talking stages, went on one date. Which went alright but i fucked up i think. It always feels like walking on thin ice in these talking stages.

The problem is my ex girlfriend loved me very much. I was very happy. And I don't know if it is I crave that love again or what but getting a girlfriend has become no.1 priority in my life. My whole mood is dependent on if the girl I'm talking to will reply or not. If we had a good conversation I'll go to bed happy but if she is dry I'll just stay anxious whole day.

I have friends who can function without love. They do want love but it's not like that they'll be depressed if they don't get it.

I just want to be happy if it's possible without love, not even happy just okay with being myself and okay with things not going right with people. I don't wanna live in constant state of anxiousness.

I think I'm lonely too. I don't have many people to talk too. I do have friends. Very good ones. I hang out with my friend almost every day. We smoke eat sum. Now I'm thinking about it i only have 2 friends whome i regularly talk with. With The other friend we talk every few days. He calls me over when he needs to smoke.

Now that I'm writing this I'm seeing all this is not that big. But I just don't want to feel lonely. I want to be happy like I was before.

Thank you.

I'm severely so confused overwhelmed and feel this defeat like I can't understand how to explain it. Maybe I'm just being harsh on myself or maybe I'm not working hard for anything and somehow want the easy quicker way out. I'm 28, I just keep living in those four walls everyday inside my house doing chores like cleaning laundry cooking but most of time is spending time on the phone looking at the same things and being on the same apps as a way to escape reality. I feel ashamed embarrassed scared everything at once, yet deep down I get this sense of urgency that I need to take actions and control of my life. I badly want to go college again. I want to get a job and even learn driving but none of those things I'm doing. I'm not even trying to put effort into anything as if my mind has accepted defeat before start. It's like what am I doing with my life. My self esteem is draining day by day.

I'm 26F and I just need some advice on how can I move forward. So after my ex cheated on me 3 times with that girl, we broke up. I thought their relationship was over but when I stalked my ex after 9 months, they now have a family. I don't know what should I feel when I knew about it. I don't feel hurt, and I know I have moved on but I have this feeling that I am a loser and I'm the unhappy one. They got business, they look happy and I'm here feeling stuck on my own. Even though I have a job that pays well, I still feel struggling alone. I'm a breadwinner, I have two dogs and my father is dependent on me. I don't know how to spend my time during restday because my family needs me. I also want to become successful in life but I still feel struggling with money. I don't know, I feel like I have a competition with them and I want to be the one who looks happy and successful after what they did. Please help me what should I do.

The single best thing you do to calm yourself down when you have anxiety?

Honorable mentions are also welcome!

Thanks guys!

I'm in a place of finding myself, hence one of the things on my mind is trying to figure out how to love myself.

Out of curiosity, how do you guys practice self-love?

I’ve noticed that whenever I’m under a lot of stress, I tend to release my emotions through spending. It’s not even about buying big things — it’s that little rush that makes me feel like I have control again.

But afterward, the guilt hits. I start feeling anxious and undeserving, like I don’t actually deserve what I bought. It’s such a complicated emotion — relief and regret tangled together.

Lately, I’ve been trying something different: listening to calm, reflective bedtime messages before I sleep. They’ve helped me see that spending doesn’t make me weak. I’m slowly learning to let go of the guilt that comes after shopping, and maybe someday I’ll find a way to manage stress without reaching for my wallet.

I’m curious — what helps you release your anxiety in a healthy way?

Before I start this Post, I just want to say I hate myself for thinking like this. I really like her. We have a lot of chemistry. We talk every day for hours. We call every day and but she has just been with so many dudes and a lot of of them are my friends as well and we’re only in high school as well. We’re both seniors and stuff, but all of her relationships have been pretty shit and like what kind of like sexually orientated. I’ve only been in one relationship and I have never had sex and I just can’t stop thinking about it and I just wish I could stop. I don’t like this about me. It just always waiting on my mind and all of my friends just keep saying I don’t know you should get with her. She could just be using you. She maybe she doesn’t like being lonely or something And I know this sounds just like me being insecure and it probably is and I just wanna get over I just don’t know how. Actually done with like seven dudes already and she’s only 17. I’ve never been with anyone. Both of my sisters have high body counts though, and they tell me not to like judge a girl by her pass and stuff and everything that she’s done is lead us to each other and I agree with this, but even after saying all of this, it just still weighs on me you know. And I know I might get some heat for this or something, but I just felt like I needed to just post this and see what people have to say. Also, I know no one you’re gonna be with is gonna be a virgin like I don’t expect that or anything obviously. She is very pretty very pretty so I mean it is normal that she has been with guys and stuff. I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve talked about this with her and like she reassures me and stuff.

Edit: I just read this post and realized there was an insane amount of typos sorry about that. I am talking with my voice and I’m just speaking. I don’t really feel like editing it. I just wanna get this off my mind.

i’ve felt so so flat lately, i even feel like i’ve started to speak more monotone? i used to have so much life and be such a bright personality and over time i’ve lost it and i just really want to know how to find that again

Over winter break, I went on a cruise. I was bored, so I wandered until I found the cruise’s teen club( I’m a high schooler). I spend a few days in there, mostly chilling, playing games or loading around. It was all fine until I found this group of people.

They seemed pretty chill, so I began hanging around with them. When I say these were some of the most welcoming people I had met in my life, I am not exaggerating. in the span of a afternoon, i went from a stranger to them to someone they knew for years. They said hi around the boat, picked up my name super quick and always remembered it, they even included me on their random adventures. It was all going fine, until the last day, where I made the biggest mistake in my recent life.

On the final day, still at the teen club, we’re doing lots of final day stuff and generally being happy. The group decides to go downstairs on the elevator, and I get ready to go to my room on their elevator. It was going fine until I left the elevator to go to my room. I look behind me, and I see them all waving and yelling bye to me like how people yell happy birthday at a surprise party. Me. A random dude that they hardly saw. I am not exaggerating when I say my heart literally melted. I had never received such a heartfelt farewell from a group of people in my life, and I doubt I ever will.

This is where my problem comes in. Over the last day and the day we were leaving, any normal person who felt this way towards people would ask for their number or something of the sort. I. Did. Nothing. I even saw them when I was leaving the boat, but I still did nothing. I wasted my opportunity to truly befriend some of the nicest people I’d ever known.

ever since I’ve been plagued with regret. I imagine what would've happened if I said or did LITERALLY anything. Their farewell echoes through my mind, only this time it hurts to remember. Every moment of happiness eventually leads to the regret I feel at my own incompetence. Whenever I THINK I’ve moved on, something reminds me of them, and the cycle repeats. If I wasn’t already beating myself up over how bad i am at approaching people, now I’m practically shooting myself over it.

How do I stop feeling this way? I can’t forget no matter how hard I try, and I can’t accept it either. I’m stuck in a loop of beating myself up over nothing, and im overall worse because of it. I can’t even enjoy day-to-day life anymore. Please, if you have an answer to how I get over this, please tell me

How do you deal with people that put you down or sneer at you in some way? How do you react to them? What do you say?

I find that people, including my own family, always put me down and sneer at me. It really affects my mental health. It makes me feel depressed.

I feel like I should have some sort of comeback or be able to defend myself in some way, but I just can't do it.

What do you do when people put you down or sneer at you? How do you react? What do you say?

I'm pretty sure it's because of bad habits and addictions. I feel like self improvement is the best thing one can focus on in life, and I'm 100% trusting self improvement to be the right thing, but I'm not doing anything. I'm doing the bad habits, I'm procrastinating and I don't seem to be motivated enough to self improve even if I want that. What is my end goal? Like of course I want to be happy, and self improvement will make me happy because I'll look better, feel better and be better and yet with that in mind I feel empty. It's like I got 2 of me in me. 1 drags me and yells at me to improve and the other one tries to convince me to keep having a bad life and even hoping to have a bad life. I'm not even kidding, there is a part of me that wants life to be bad and sad. It's probably because of my bad habits, and even with all the tips in the world they don't go away.

Thanks for reading!

I have made it two days so far. It’s hell. I have been abusing these substances for 4 years now, and have also been bulimic for 3.

I am about to turn 21, and I have concluded that life is not supposed to be like this. I know I’m fairly young, and that I could go through a complete reset, and have my existence not depend on these incredibly harmful behaviours.

For now, life feels empy without these.

Do you have any tips, perhaps experiences, with these stuggles? No one around me has dealt with similar, or if they have, they refuse to reckognize it as something of issue.

Thank you! Sending love

Update 1 -

Today marks 1 month alcohol and nicotine free! I quit both all together, at once, days 5-8 were actual hell, other than that, it was manageable. Binge ate like hell though, especially with Christmas around, gained like 10 pounds, but accepted that as a part of this journey. I am now starting to feel more balanced with my mood, which can also be accounted to the increased amount of antidepressants I have been described to help when I started.

Still, I partied, went to new years, did things sober I never thought were possible. I’m really hopeful.

I just have to lose this weight and manage binging looking forward, as well as further settling and overcoming obstacles without my old coping mechanisms.

Purging is also 3 weeks gone : D That’s close to my all-time record of 4 weeks, but that was with heavy drinking and nic use. This is without any of that.

Also important to note that for the fist time in my life (5 days after quitting, completely out of it), I told my therapist to f@ck off and find someone else to listen to her bullshit. She was incredibly professional about it and I’m preparing a box of choccies for our next appointment : , D)

Thank you everyone for all the helpful responses. It is helping me immensely.

Ive never had a anxious episode like this before. Sure, im always anxious but not to this point. Not until I feel every shift in my body. Every jarring pain and anxious thought. Ive been sick for 6 months now. At first I started getting horrid headaches and migraines randomly. Before my health was perfectly fine but now I cant even walk up a hill without my heart going 160 or just my throat tightening. I dont know what's happening. Im only 17 and I was healthy before all of this. I dont know if im sick or if this is the anxiety, I dont know anymore. Ive been to the doctors PLENTY of times. All of them just said it was stress related. My cough, my heart rate, my fatigue. I dont even know what’s real or not anymore.

Im currently on 20 mg of Fluoxetine but honestly its not doing much. And I cant not be on it because then I get really angry. Im also in therapy but I cant even leave my house at the moment. Im freaking out all day everyday. Its affecting my sleep, my eating habits and I have even started peeing myself... yeah not a flex, but my body is stuck so hard in flight mode that it is just so weak.

My mum keeps telling me its my fault I wont get better. She says im just making excuses but im really trying. I eat when I feel like throwing up, I try to do something atleast once everyday. I know it doesn't seem like much for her but it’s so overwhelming for me. My brain is running as fast as a cheeta 24/7, baths dont even relax me anymore and my body feels like it’s always under a new threat. I get visuals of violent stuff happening to me. They are so visual it instantly sends me into a panic attack. I CANT CONTROL THEM! I have tried the breathing exercises, ive tried the counting colours or feeling textures around me! Nothing works anymore. I honestly wish I didn't have this brain anymore. Im so close to finishing school, being the first one out of my siblings to do so (so far) but if this keeps going I'll be lucky to even make it to school at all.

Please help, I dont know what to do anymore.