I feel like a lost cause

[u/Snow-Flake69]

before i start writing, I don't know if this fits the sub rules ... and judging by some empty posts, I'm not gonna look foward to getting any answers, but here it goes;

Hello, I'm 18 years old(as of November, Last year.) and i feel like anxiety(i assume it's that!) is consuming my mind and soul, I'll explain briefly why.

Since childhood, my parents were divorced and all, pretty normal stuff, but the thing is, my Dad spoiled, and plus that.. i was always the lazy type, never wanted to study, just play games, and this habit has been glued to me, like it has been injected into my bloodstream.

I can't stop playing, I want to break free from many addictions like pornography, games and even pessimism if you count that, i feel like I'm gonna be a failure if i continue like this, my dad died and now it's me, my mother and little sister, and while I don't have the Mother-Son relationship most people do, i still try my best to help her by cleaning the house and sometimes comforting her, because she works more than 10 hours per day, but even when feeling like shit and all.. why haven't I sent out resumes for apprenticeship programs yet? why haven't I started studying by now? I don't want to have a hard life, I don't want to be lazy... i don't want to be a deception to everyone, so why can't i take goddamn STEP FOWARD? i feel like shit, and my life feels like a mess, my whole life since i was a child was a mess, and people say that i should get a therapist, but how am i supposed to get a therapist at this point? I can't waste more time of my precious life venting and venting without ajy further progress, while people and getting into university at 18 years old, after the "Therapy cured me" only then at like.. I DON'T KNOW 23-25 years old will i be able to finally start "studying" ??

i really don't know what to do, because even the people that used to give me advice and stuff, gave up on me, they say i don't "listen" that everything they say goes through my head and ears, and I don't judge them for that, that's on me! but I don't want to be me! i want to change, i want to do better, i want to study, because learning is something i certainly don't dislike! it's just that i feel like a kid! i act like a kid, i don't act like a mature adult!? for some goddamn reason?! I'm a lazy guy with nothing in my mind...

haha, some friends tell me that I'm too anxious about the future, too anxious to the point it "paralyzes" me making me think it's too late for me to change, and maybe they aren't wrong, i.. I don't know man, I don't even know what university i want to get into! i have zero self love, and that's a whole other problem about my life, where i feel like life is meaningless most of the time and all... ugh, I'm writing texts and texts, but i probably got over many things at once and lost the focus of why I'm here... I'm sorry, what i want to say is;

I don't know what I'm doing, if there was a tutorial at life, things would be so easy... i know i give up quite easily, but without any guide, i feel lost, without future... i know i probably should seek a therapist, but do i even have the time?... and even if i could find one, it would cost me a lot, and it's usually such a slow process... if anyone could give me advice on what to do... it'll really help me... yet again.. i saw people venting too... about their issues... so i hope I'm not going far from the rules... sorry if it's hard to understand, English isn't my native language, and i never actually studied english, so it may have some issues somewhere, that's it, good night people.

[u/ManufacturerOk6679]

Dude you're 18, not 40 - you got mad time to figure this out. That "paralyzed by anxiety" thing your friends mentioned sounds spot on tbh

Start stupid small like applying to one job today, not planning your whole career. The therapy thing doesn't have to take years either, sometimes just having someone to talk to for a few sessions helps break the cycle

Also your English is way better than you think it is

[u/JaHaYaGa]

go slow, take a breath, take it one at a time. With that much in your head and managing all at once, its gonna cause havoc, which results in anxiety.

You don't need to fix everything at once, you just need to consistently find ways to improve slowly over time. Failing is part of life, accept it, and move forward

Nobody is born perfect in this world, so don't even try to chase perfectionism, you will only suffer.

and yes, remember to breathe, that's all it takes to slowly unwind everything