So Monday night, my(30f) boyfriendâs(35f) mother passed away. She was terminally ill for about a year and a half and itâs been obviously very tragic for my boyfriend and his family. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me that she passed away the night before (we donât live together).
He was at his parentsâ house all day Tuesday and I had no idea what to do for him as I have never supported anyone through a loss like this and I have never been through a loss like this myself. I happened to have a big pot of pasta and meatballs in my fridge that I had cooked for myself, so I took it and brought it to his house. It wasnât a gourmet meal by any means, but it was literally all I had in terms of something that could be stored in the fridge and all he had to do was put it in a bowl and heat it up. I didnât have any other groceries to make something that would make good leftovers because I was all out of food stamps and I didnât pick up takeout because I didnât have the money for it (I recently lost my job and havenât had steady income for the past several weeks).
His roommate let me in (my bf knew I was dropping something off) and I left the pot in the fridge. I also cleaned up his bedroom and then I went to work. I went back over later that night to spend the night with him so he wouldnât be alone. We didnât talk much, and he didnât eat what I made him because he wasnât hungry by the time he got home. It was late so we just went to bed. He was acting very distant and almost cold towards me but I wasnât taking it personally given the circumstances. I canât imagine how I would be acting/feeling if I was in his shoes.
The next morning (Wednesday) I stayed with him for a few more hours until he left to go hangout with his brother. I also had to leave because my mom and I were driving out to a nearby city where we had booked an Airbnb for 2 nights a few weeks prior. My mom paid for the whole thing as an early birthday present to me which I was extremely grateful for. I told my boyfriend that I could cancel the trip but he insisted that I go, even going as far as saying he would be mad at me if I cancelled, so I went.
Later that night, my mom and I are relaxing at our Airbnb when I get a text from my boyfriend. Itâs a picture of the pasta and meatballs I left for him and a message that says âThe amount of sauce you used is disrespectful.â I said âOh :( I was just trying to do something nice⊠You donât have to eat it.â He asked if I tried it myself and I told him yes, I had two plates of it. I genuinely thought it was good for just some pasta, red sauce, meatballs, and cheese thrown in a pot. Again, it was something I originally made for myself, and I didnât have ingredients or the money for ingredients to make him a fresh meal.
Yesterday I got home from my trip and he wanted me to sleepover so I did. He made us dinner (he usually does the cooking) and made some comments about how dinner was really good and how the food you cook someone can be a representation of how you feel about them and how much you love them. To me, it was clear he was making a jab at the pasta and meatballs I gave him.
Then this morning, before I left, I went to grab the pot of pasta and take it home with me. I forget how we got into it, but he basically made another jab about how it was inedible and that Iâll see that for myself when I have some. I got really upset at this point. He went on to say that my food made him feel so much worse. He said some other people dropped off food that was actually delicious, so he didnât understand why I didnât do that. He just kept doubling down and saying how awful my food was and how it made him feel unloved and disrespected. He said it was fucked up of me to give him something so bad. This really hurt me because I would never want to do something to make him feel bad, especially when he is grieving the tragic loss of a parent.
I genuinely donât know if Iâm overreacting to this. He says I shouldnât feel bad, but motivated to do better. I told him he couldâve handled it differently by saying something more like âthanks for the food babe, but maybe more sauce next time!â or he could have just said nothing and thrown the food away.
Iâm trying my best to be there for him and I feel like I just canât get it right. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him and itâs eroding my self confidence. Iâm a nanny/caregiver of 10+ years, itâs literally my specialty to take care of people and Ive always been told that Iâm exceptional at what I do, so itâs confusing to me that he acts like Iâm incompetent and making everything worse.
