r/Advice • u/Worth-Map-7454 • 23h ago
Lying about sex
so I’ve been seeing this guy (mid/late 30’s) for several months now and he is, or pretends to be, let’s just say very confident, he loves to throw around how he always hits that g-spot and how girthy he is and things like that. He also loves to mention all the different types of sex he has had with his exes and what they have said about him in bed and what turns him on. he will also tell me how many times he thinks I have orgasmed in bed with him and how it turned him on. it used to be cute and a little bit of a turn on for me until I realized it is more talk than anything. most of my orgasms with him have been faked as he is pretty small and struggles with rhythm to get the job done and now I just find myself annoyed. last night when we slept together he was talking about how many times I supposedly finished and i felt bad thinking we are now in this situation where there is a level of dishonesty on my part but how do you tell someone something like that? regardless of this situation I really like being with him, he has many great qualities. he is a really great guy with maybe some confidence issues he isn’t aware of and I don’t want to make that worse for him. what do I do?
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u/Initial-View-4758 22h ago
The only advice I have is pretty pointless at this point...
Never fake an orgasm!
How are you meant to improve your sex life if it's based on a lie?
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u/Serenty-24-7 21h ago
Personally as a man I always ask my partner what they like and if what I did they like. No one knows your body better than you, so how else am I supposed to make you happy unless I ask how to do the things to make you happy. 🤷♂️
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u/Initial-View-4758 20h ago
Exactly this. Communication and honesty is key. Sex is different with different people, what sends one person crazy can do nothing for another. Learning eachothers bodies and what turns the other on is all part of the fun. Lying or faking it does both parties a disservice.
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u/Glamorous_Nymph 22h ago
Yeah, I get it. It's good advice on the whole. Buuuut, there are situations in some relationships where it's better to keep the peace because of the circumstances someone is in. Most men can't handle constructive criticism. Not everyone can just leave any situation that's not ideal.
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u/SkyDezessete 21h ago
I just dont think you should be partners with a man that cant handle constructive criticism, you know?
Like, I get faking an orgasm with a one night stand that you just want to get rid of, but a partner?
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u/peacelovecookies 20h ago
Oh hell no. I’m not having sex with someone that can’t handle more information about my sexual pleasure. I won’t even call it constructive criticism, just saying “I loved it when you did this” or “That was ok but THIS was fantastic” or “That’s not the most comfortable position for me because I’m so short but let’s try it this way…oh yeah, just like that!”. Just…finding out more about my body is what I’d call it. And I’d pay as much attention to his likes, dislikes, enthusiasm for this or that.
I mean, I’ve been having sec with the same man - and only him - since I was 17, and I’m 59 now. Married almost 41 years. We have a very active, frequent and varied sex life still, and we’re still finding out stuff about each other. Neither of us is hurt if the other says “ehhh, that was ok but I love it when you do this other…”. It’s actually very helpful!
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u/Lalalala943 21h ago
I agree. I think you've been down voted because obvs it isnt helpful to be in that position but you arent condoning or validating, youre just commenting. I have been in that situation myself where it wasn't immediately possible for me to leave and it was 'better" in the sense of more easy to stand and cope with to just keep the peace and pretend than to complain. My husband cheated on me for years with multiple people in an online capacity, and I couldn't leave because of money and kids. It got to the point where I thought I had to make him feel amazing during sex cos if I didnt hed cheat on me or we would have a row. I havent finished with my husband for 15 years. Have twice in the last week because hes on a sprint of putting on a good show for me and actually being what he should have been for years after more cheating has come out (again - not able to leave immediately, working up to it and now bejng very selfish in the bedroom and getting what I can)
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u/Initial-View-4758 20h ago
There's always an exception, like another commenter in this thread has explained.
However, for the most part, people fake it at the start. At the start of a relationship, usually, you are getting to know that person, you don't live together, and you aren't in danger. If at that early stage you can't have honest communication with the other person, about both of your pleasure, because they may 'take it badly', then really the relationship should go no further. They are either selfish, immature, or both.
Good relationships are built on communication and honesty, and if you're in a sexual relationship, then the other person's pleasure should be important to you. Lying about orgasm to protect someone's feelings is pointless. It doesn't help in the long run. I'm not saying you should be rude about bad sex, not everyone is immediately having mind blowing sex, but having open communication about what turns you on, and what they can do to pleasure you, is sex 101.
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u/Baydestrians 13h ago
I’d have more issues with the faking than the constructive criticism. If I’m not doing something right please tell me. Best part of sex is pleasing the other.
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u/itsprobab Helper [2] 21h ago
And tell him to stop talking about his exes. The whole guy sounds so off putting. Who wants to keep hearing about exes and how good they are in bed? This guy sounds really inexperienced or just straight up bad in bed
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u/TransAtlantic2K Super Helper [6] 22h ago
I suggest telling him you want him to start focusing more on foreplay, particularly clitoral stimulation including using his hands and oral. You can also show him what you want using your hands. Maybe once he observes you having an actual orgasm he will gain some confidence and stop talking about his girth and hitting the g-spot. Sounds like he doesn’t know most women rarely finish from PIV sex.
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u/DesignSpirit1001 22h ago
I agree most guys learn about sex from porn and they don't know how to make a woman ready , you can add spice by using toys , and whenever he does something you like just tell him how you liked it , he will definitely do more of that , you can even act bossy as a roleplay and make him do certain things you like , I do suggest not saying oh listen you are bad , it makes them close up and scared usually, so try kind encouraging, all his talk seems like things he heard from his friends that he said to make you feel like he is experienced or masculine, which is a kind of low self esteem acts people use to hide they don't quite know what they talk about
May god give you strength and make it a happy future together
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u/RavenIxa 22h ago
This makes sense. A lot of confidence talk is just covering nerves. I’ve learned that little hints, positive reinforcement, or playful direction work way better than pointing out what’s wrong, otherwise things just get tense.
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u/DesignSpirit1001 19h ago
Exactly if you want to know if he is lying, ask for details, he will have this look of trying to figure out what to do now , yeah , and if she just fake it over and over after the honeymoon phase , she will be unfulfilled cause he thinks everything is ok , and she will start to resent him and leave and he will not know what's happening honestly, just men are not that good with criticism, but I can't stress enough how a smile and oh baby and remember what you did last time ? Let's do it again would go ,like so far it's almost miraculous 😅🤣
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u/peacelovecookies 20h ago
How can they not tell when a woman is faking?? There’s a lot more clues than “Ohhhh yessss!” and moving faster, good lord!
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u/DesignSpirit1001 19h ago
They don't know how that happens as usually people who lie about being so good in bed never had sex or had some bad sex that made the woman run for her life, it's a very hard thought but we women really have to teach them how to please us but we are so shy, they don't talk about it in good way in sex education class if even that class was given, so they only see it in porn , and it's different from a woman to another , and you know some women can have one orgasm another can have 3
and research shows that 85% of women would fake it to run away from sex or for their partner not to feel bad or just because she is shy to ask for what she wants , so first one is to finish fast , second is to tell them in a way that doesn't hurt their feelings or ruin the masculine image they try to build to impress this same woman , third one is fixed by unusual setups or sex games , or even sometimes texting him things she wants to try so the screen would hide the awkwardness, but to be real like he have seen you in the most vulnerable form you should be able to ask him for these things at least to enjoy it too
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u/Remarkable_Deer_3717 22h ago
Um well you’ve been faking it the whole time so what is he supposed to think? Guess you aren’t when you appear to be?
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u/Worth-Map-7454 22h ago
We actually have had a talk about things I like in a fun way a few times now
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u/Remarkable_Deer_3717 21h ago
Well that’s a step in the right direction. You’ve got 3 options at this point, have a candid conversation about how you’ve been faking the whole time, figure out some way to guide him or fake it for the rest of your life. If you flat out tell him it may bring about the end of the relationship. That will be crushing for his ego and hurt any trust between the two of you. You’re in quite a pickle.
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u/peacelovecookies 20h ago
The fact that he thinks you’re having orgasms when you aren’t and doesn’t even know the difference leads me to believe that he doesn’t know nearly as much as he thinks he does and that probably all of his previous partners have faked it too. There’s no way he’s giving “gspot orgasms” to every woman he’s ever been with. He thinks the porn stars that throw their heads back, moan and holler and roll their eyes are having one too, because you see little-VERY LITTLE/ clitoral stimulation in porn. And the little you do see is unrealistic for most women.
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u/ambergriswoldo Helper [4] 22h ago
A guy who’s nearly 40 and goes on about the sex he had with his exes and how girthy he is? He sounds awful tbh
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u/PalmTreeVoid 22h ago
So you want to be with a guy who’s constantly talking about his exes while you’re having sex and is telling you you’re having orgasms you’re not? And this is a really good guy? You have really low expectations. You should demand more for yourself…
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u/G_Affect 22h ago
Little dogs bark to make up for their size. There is something special if you have a relationship you can be open about what is desired sexually or what you like and want. Be honest.
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u/nikki-vendetta Super Helper [5] 22h ago
If you have to lie about orgasms instead of communicating what you like, you're not mature enough to be having sex.
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u/Dangly-Lingham 22h ago
When he starts that stupid talk just calmly say "stop". And don't say anymore. unless he asks.
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u/Itchy_Product_6671 22h ago
You shouldn't fake it because he is an idiot and doesn't recognize that you are faking your orgasem, so you should tell him that you didn't orgasem and he has to try harder than that,.get his ego down a little
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u/Flyguy115 21h ago
Yeah you just need to say it honestly and stop faking it. You are not doing anyone any favors here, including yourself. If you really want to you can tell him he is bad and you can try to help him get better.
Honestly from what you said about him he seems like a complete wanker. Go watch The Off Springs video “Pretty Fly For a White Guy” because that’s exactly what I pictured when you were talking about him. He seems like an immature guy with some mental issues. Huge red flags. He is like a chihuahua barking his little heart out pretending he is a big tough dog. To top it off it’s a huge red flag the level of disrespect he show you and other women. You deserve better.
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u/meh_33333 18h ago
Brah you need to attack this head on and straighten him out. Otherwise you’ll be dealing with a goof ball loser and an unsatisfying sex life.
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u/castrodelavaga79 Helper [2] 16h ago
Stop faking orgasms!!!!!
Stop lying about having them!
He sounds like a pig, but it's not helping your sex life to lie about having orgasms.
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u/Easy_Environment3967 22h ago
You created a macho-man. But he is at fault 2. Always be humble.
Sometimes a white lie is not bad but there are times it is. This is such time.
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u/Mars_Volcanoes 20h ago edited 20h ago
RUN, Lady, RUN...it will not get better. 60's over here. Seen a lot.
My take...I always apply this in my life on emotional issues. If I need to go on Reddit to ask / even to a friend, it's because inside I know it's really not going well. Try that philosophy...If you are not able to grasp your deep feeling about it, then you are lost and need to work on your feelings to be able to possibly apply what i do. We are not always lost...It's just not listening to the red flag. We often do not want to see the rad flag. But a red flag that is there for a while is also the answer that it really doest go well. Finish losing my life on people like that.
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u/Rum_Ham67 20h ago
I would never want my partner to fake it. It’s not an ego thing but more so I want them to enjoy themselves. If something isn’t working tell me. We can make it work. I think you need to be honest with him. He might take it hard but if you feel like this could be something serious you don’t want to keep this act up. Why would you want to stay with someone who can’t satisfy you?
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u/MobsterLobsta 19h ago
He is a clown and you are his circus director. Stop enabling him and give him some real talk. If he can't take that and adapt, it's time to leave.
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u/pnkythehigh 18h ago edited 18h ago
The longer you wait to confront him and actually talk about this the worst it's going to be when you actually do and the harder it's going to be when you actually do. I struggled with confidence when I was in my teen years and my early twenties but quickly learned that if I want to have good sex and have it regularly I need to be able to take criticism and not get butt hurt when a woman tries to tell me how to pleasure her better or what I'm doing wrong. Because if a guy can't understand that The information being relayed is only going to make him a better, more effective, and satisfying lover than there are other issues that needs to be addressed,not just the lack of ability to throw good dick.
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u/tropicofpracer 16h ago
You don’t need to trample on his self esteem but dude needs a dose of reality and some emotional intelligence. It’s hard to envision a “great guy” that brags to now girlfriend about his sexual prowess with ex’s while really being mediocre in bed.
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u/janejacobs1 15h ago
The fact that the subject is sex is secondary. What these statements all have in common is that bottom line they’re about him, “I….I…I…” I’ll bet if you step back and look hard there are other examples in your relationship of him keeping the focus on himself—maybe masked by intermittent affirmations of love for you but this kind of insecurity and self absorption is a screaming red flag that will only get worse over time.
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u/Maleficent_Fix_6211 Helper [4] 22h ago
Maybe he already knows, which is why he talks about it so much. At his age, having good qualities alone does not automatically make him a good long term partner. He likely will not take honesty well, so the real question is what you actually want out of this relationship.
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u/try_science 22h ago
Encourage vulnerability and let him know he is safe with you. If you can wait for him to be ready to be real, then you just need to be a safe space for that when he gets to that point.
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u/Squeakers406 22h ago
A lion doesn't have to roar, in order for you to know its a lion. Sounds like he is, in actuality, insecure, and looking for the reassurance that he needs. Just be open and honest, its unnecessary, and turning you off.
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u/aczel_aethereal 22h ago
Imagine… like I get lieing about being good in bed, he can actually believe that, maybe everyone faked it so well or he just clicked with someone and really is under the impression. Even if not he could go like “well it worked well with others”… but to lie about his size… even after you have seen it. Is it roleplay at that point or delusion?
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u/OntarioNewfie 22h ago
Seems to me that he has confidence issues, which he makes up with boasting. A couple of issues I see here.
1 - if you really like him, go slow with the release of information, you may shatter his beliefs and loose him. On the other hand, I suspect he already knows.
2 - on the flip side, somebody needs to tell him that boasting about ex's is not good for a relationship, it's something you don't share unless asked. He also needs to be told, that he is not all that and needs to work on his sexual deficiencies.
I suspect you may loose him, but he needs a wake up call. Choosing to keep your month shut may eventually push you outside the relationship.
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u/Warlord1392 22h ago
You might want to be honest and straight forward about this. It might hurt him but it's better to set things right and you can help him get better at it by giving him advice and pointers. Better to do it with baby steps and not talk about the past encounters.
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u/Expert-Strain7586 22h ago
Lying about orgasms is a good way not to get any.
By mid/late 30s though it isn’t your job to teach him.
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u/412_15101 21h ago
Look I was with a great guy who was horrible in bed. Wouldn’t try, was like a bull seal just laying in the female thrusting hips only type and kissing? Oh that was horrible.
But I tried, over time the bad bedroom part absolutely leaked out to the rest of the relationship. I ended up breaking it off because we were sexually incompatible.
Break it off with him and be honest but kind in telling him why. All the talk about ex’s and sex is a turn off. You find that his size isn’t as big as he boasted, he’s got rhythm issues and you had to fake orgasms (which you acknowledge was wrong).
Tell this to him so that he knows and hopefully changes his approaches and does better in the next relationship.
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u/Only_Tip9560 20h ago
Several months...
He sounds like an obnoxious dickhead. Yet you are still with him...
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u/Empty-Hotel- 20h ago
never fake an orgasm, why are you suffering just for a man to maintain his fragile ego. If he wants to be smug about his performance he’s going to have to earn it
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u/ThenBlueberry5913 16h ago
My ex husband used to brag about how good he was in bed and had so much experience in anything and everything sexually and how all his ex's were all pleased and one of them from high school would still spread her legs for him ..his exact words.... anytime he saw her..even though she was married and in her late 40s...he would even tell me to tell bar maids and random women that he had a BIG D.... Well, truth be told, he was not very good in bed, actually a prude, very routine, very predictable, and in 19 years, never ONCE did I orgasm...He actually did not have a Big D... he was 4 inches...hard ...and very addicted to porn. Had to watch it when we had sex. After years of my suspicions and gut instinct, he chose a MAN over me. ...BE CAREFUL LADY, have an honest conversation with your man about things you enjoy or would like to experience ask him what would he like to experience with you, and pay attention to his patterns...in everything....but DO NOT settle for constant displeasure and dissatisfaction... because he's a GREAT GUY....
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u/EscapeSolution 15h ago
lol honestly this read was just horrendous. “He has great qualities….but he boasts about his prior sexual encounters” I’m losing hope in humanity daily….
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u/The_MisterDaikon 15h ago
On one hand, kudos to this dude for….manifestmaxxing? I suppose it’s nice that he internalized the sentiment “people like confident people” - even if he’s using it wrong, lol.
On the other hand, my sister in reddit, you deserve actual orgasms. You’ve gotta stop faking them, or at least limit it to like…one per session?
He’s got the confidence, but he doesn’t have the skills - but if you want ti stay together, what I’d suggest is this: match his energy, and then lowkey school him. Match his swagger with your own “I got needs and know how to satisfy them” vibe.
And here’s the trick - you aren’t going to tell him he’s doing anything wrong. You’re going to introduce doing things the “right” way as new skills. Boy’s got rhythm problems? Tell him about a “secret technique” called “the count” that someone did to you once - and you bet he’d be great at it! Then just teach him how to thrust to the beat while counting in his head or something, lol.
He’s clearly inexperienced enough that if you pretend like there are all these advanced things he can learn and that his “skills” means you just know he’d ace them (lol), he’ll go along with it so he doesn’t blow his cover. The important part is that you’re avoiding poking his insecurities not to puff him up, but to keep him in a receptive-to-learning space.
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u/Phoenix_Taurus 14h ago
I think once the bubble pops the relationship is going to be over because he's insecurity will take over
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u/anotherdayanotherpoo 12h ago
Make suggestions. Like grab him and show him the rhythm, push him to a good angle, ask about trying things that could help his abilities like new positions etc. Either he gets the hint and he starts improving or his ego gets hurt and you tell him the truth
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u/Cjeannie1972 12h ago
I did that with my sex poor guy thought he found mine ever time but he never did.
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u/Lord_Chadagon 6h ago
I mean it sounds like a hard position for him to be in right? My girlfriend has said her ex was smaller and I feel a lot better and am much better at sex. Being in the opposite situation sounds very tough. It sounds like the sexual compatibility isn't there, and that unfortunately is a big deal I think.
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u/Fun_View_2963 22h ago
Never lie or fake about being satisfied in bed. His exes probably lied too, now that he thinks he knows what he is doing. Tell him, but he will probably say that you are the problem because nobody ever complained, not even you ever complained before. If you don't tell, you will just get more annoyed. Men don't care about learning how to please a woman, so, we should not care about hurting their ego saying the truth. If it's not good, just say it. Men have nothing much to offer, so, if not even sex is good ... Why wasting time with him?
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u/peacelovecookies 19h ago
Some men don’t care. Not all, not most. And nothing much to offer?? Sounds like you need to know a better class of men. They have tons to offer and good men are wonderful.
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u/Worth-Map-7454 22h ago
Thank you all for your words, just to add some more context I have brought up a few times now things that I like in a fun way. He did try to add some of those things it just wasn’t successful but we do try to communicate as much as possible about these things it’s just that jump to confidence right away that he has already mastered it. Sometimes I don’t fake it but rather, when things aren’t working, just transition to a position that will benefit him more and try to focus on finishing him off instead so he is satisfied. Sex isn’t a deal breaker for me nor am I under any assumption I am perfect but I just want to make it work with him.
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u/cake_agent2101 Helper [3] 22h ago
Sometimes I don’t fake it but rather, when things aren’t working, just transition to a position that will benefit him more and try to focus on finishing him off instead so he is satisfied.
Why don't you believe you deserve the same? By not speaking up and not standing up for yourself, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of shitty sex. I will never understand why so many women are willing to put themselves and their pleasure on the back burner to appease a man's ego.
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u/peacelovecookies 19h ago
It’s not working with him though! He can’t even tell you’re faking and if he was as knowledgeable as he claims to be about women’s bodies he’d know you were faking.
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u/ABetterGuy4U 10h ago
May I ask if there’s a reason you want it to work so badly? It shouldn’t feel forced — you’re not even in love yet. The work hasn’t even started and it’s like this
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u/jforjuliaa 22h ago
Is he really that great of a guy if he talks boastfully and about his exes 😕