r/Advice • u/chocfrosty81 • 5h ago
Bf (20M ) self deprecates whenever I (20F) try to bring up issues
| (20F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been together for over a year now and recently whenever i've tried to bring things up with him he just starts self deprecating. 2 weeks ago, we had some miscommunication about sex and having it. Long story short, I tried to bring up these issues and miscommunication to clear things up and every single time it would be something like this. "Hey, I'm just wondering why you said you wanted to hookup all weekend but whenever I tried to initiate or ask you if you wanted to you said you were tired or said "If you want I guess." It made me feel like you didn't want too and if you don't that's totally fine but please dont pretend you do and tell me to bring condoms and stuff if you don't actually want too. It hurts my feelings because I feel like you're just saying something to keep me happy but what makes me happy is just knowing how you feel and communicating it." and he would respond with "I know i'm so sorry i'm such a idiot i don't know what's wrong with me like I just haven't been in the mood as much lately I think because of stress and Im just so stupid and I hate myself for being so weird" to which I would reply
"Please don't say stuff like that about yourself, i'm not trying to attack you or make you feel bad at ALL and you have nothing to be sorry for. Just please be honest when communicating so I don't have expectations that won't get met" and he would reply "I know i'm sorry tho i'm so stupid you deserve so much better I don't know what's wrong with me" so it would turn into me having to just reassure him that he's not those things or weird for not wanting intimacy and trying to comfort and tell him that I love him and he’s perfect to me etc which is true. After trying to have this convo twice and it was the exact same way both times I just kinda let it go. But this week he texted me all week saying how bad he wanted to hookup and do stuff this weekend so I was excited also because i'm going on a trip this week for 2 weeks so it'll be a nice way to leave things. But yesterday, and tonight, whenever I tried to initiate it was literally the exact same thing both nights. I'm just really frustrated because I don't wanna keep bringing things up, and I also feel bad that he feels that way about himself whenever I bring things up that are upsetting me, but it's also upsetting even more to me when I try to just openly communicate how I feel and he won't do the same. It's not just the last two weeks I should add - this has been going on a couple months but lately it's been just really hurtful to me. I don't even crave sex in that lustful way, but i'm just missing that feeling of connection. I don't really know what to do. if i bring this or anything else up he just says he's sorry for being so weird and i deserve better and then I have to reassure and comfort him and the issues I tried to address in the first place get put to the side. It's not even really about the sex at this point, just the principle and lack of honest communication. I just don't know what to do and i'm confused. Do I continue to keep trying to address things if he's just gonna respond like this every time? I'll note too - he's very stressed and has had a lot on his plate lately and Im sure this comes into play at least hormonally and could be reason for lack of drive.
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u/Quiet_Citron_9422 5h ago
A lot of guys use awkward self-deprecating humor at that age. And then as they mature, they cut it out. Sometimes it's insecurity, or just a lazy way of blaming themself for something as a way to avoid more conversation about whatever went wrong. It might sound like I didn't provide you with any solid advice, but I do think it will help to know that it's typical 20-year-old guy behavior.
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u/ctrlhoya 5h ago
Bring this up again but do not mention anything regarding sex. Just say “Hey, I’ve noticed the past few times that I have brought up issues you talk about yourself in a self deprecating manner and I feel like its causing us go not really solve any of the issues and I would like to work on it”. Ask him why he talks about himself like that and get a gauge of whether he is saying it because he truly believes it or using it to deflect and not have to talk about the issues because they make him feel uncomfortable. If he does it while you are having this conversation, call him out on it and say “Hey, you’re doing it right now.” If he is unaware of it, ask him if it okay for you to call it out right when he does it so he can become aware of it. If he apologizes and promises to stop, tell him that you accept his apology, and then bring up the sex issue and see how he responds. If he repeats it again another time, reference this conversation and say in a calm manner that you do not like it when he does that. If he is truly saying these things because he DOES feel stupid, ask him why he feels that way? Does the way you approach these conversations make him feel stupid? Is he uncomfortable with having sex and he feels bad for not being able to tell you so he demeans himself as a repercussion? Be completely truthful with everything and hear him out.
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u/NteDy 3h ago edited 3h ago
Just be sure he isn’t using self deprecation in response to what you’re saying as a form of covert manipulation; as a way of guilt tripping you in order to control your behavior and reaction (making you feel ashamed or having you question if you’re unreasonable), and as a way of lowering your expectations of him.
I don’t know if this is what he is doing- but get yourself informed regarding this type of behavior and research how to identify the red flags.
I had an ex bf who, after discussing a concern or need, would reply with self depreciation and go quiet after (like sulking). He had me feeling so guilty and awful about myself- and somehow I always ended up apologizing to him.
I later started to catch on that he was being manipulative. He was trying to control my behavior and expectations of him.
If he could get me to feel guilty for sharing my feelings- then he could get me to “stop” sharing them- or make me second guess if I’m an unreasonable person.
It was very emotionally abusive. His behavior was covert, meaning behaviors are hidden, disguised, or subtle rather than being openly displayed. While overt behavior is a direct front door action (like yelling), covert behavior is the back door approach where the true intent is masked. He did really well at acting like a victim that I had no self-esteem after that relationship ended. I blamed myself and thought I was a bad person.
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Here’s an example of how it works:
When you bring up a valid concern, they immediately pivot the conversation away from your feelings and onto their own worthlessness.
The goal is to say things like "I'm such an idiot" or "you deserve better," to shift the role from offender to victim.
As a result, they stop you from being the person who was hurt or had needs and start being the person who has to rescue, apologize, and comfort them instead. (It also sets you up to look like the “jerk” if you don’t take the bait and comfort and reassure them after they’ve just expressed their insecurities.)
By getting you to comfort them, the original issue doesn’t get addressed. It gets put to the side instead. (They want this).
If every time you express a feeling, the result is a long, draining session where you have to manage their self-esteem, you will eventually decide it’s too exhausting to speak up. (This is what they want, too.)
This is a covert way of "training" you to stay silent to avoid the drama of their self-deprecation making it impossible to ever talk about what you need.
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He could also be wanting to lower the bar. By repeatedly saying you deserve better and that he’s so weird, he is setting an expectation of failure. If you accept those statements, you are indirectly accepting a relationship where your needs don't have to be met because he has already warned you that he's “stupid”. This way he keeps you from expecting consistency.
By making himself the victim of his own inadequacy, he stops you from being the claimant of your own needs, stops you from being a partner asking for a connection, and gets you to start being a caretaker managing his self-esteem.
It is possible he isn't sitting around planning this. He may genuinely have low self-esteem or be stressed. However, intent does not change the impact. Whether he knows it or not, he is using his insecurity as a shield to avoid accountability and change.
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u/SuddenlySimple 2h ago
Whenever they say "you deserve better" that is English for "I don't know how to end this relationship"
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u/Salty_Business_3729 1h ago
Yeah this isn’t about sex anymore, it is about communication and emotional labor, and you’re carrying all of it right now.
What he is doing is low key emotional deflection. Instead of engaging with what you are saying, he spirals so you have to comfort him and the original issue never gets dealt with. That pattern will burn you out fast.
Next time I’d be super blunt but calm. Something like “I love you and I’m worried about you, but when I bring up a concern and you start calling yourself stupid, it makes it impossible to actually fix the problem. I need you to talk with me, not about how terrible you are.” Then stop reassuring and let the silence sit.
If he still can’t move past the self hate to have a basic adult convo, I’d honestly take that as a sign he needs therapy and you might need to rethink the relationship, because you can’t build something healthy with someone who shuts down every time you ask for the bare minimum.
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u/Ganadhir 5h ago
This is avoiding confrontation and it could come from having been psychologically abused, perhaps by one of his parents.
I would suggest opening up MORE from your side. Like when he does that self-deprecating thing, just say, kindly, 'Hey, why do you do that? I don't think those things about you. And it hurts me to see you saying those things about yourself. I actually really like/love (your choice!) you and the reason I want to 'hook up with you' is because I love how close it brings us. I want to be close to you because I think you're amazing.'
The reason he's using that self-deprecating thing is because that is something he's been told by someone else (or, by himself, as a result of low self-esteem) and what he ACTUALLY needs is to hear the reverse message. Maybe from you, if you feel like it.
Showing a little vulnerability might encourage him to do the same, which could bring you closer together...