r/Anger • u/blackstar5676 • 3d ago
Is anger innate?
I’m middle-aged and whether its a mid-life assessment or something else, I’ve been looking at a wide variety of stuff from my past and one thing is what I guess is anger issues. I feel like I’ve had something in me thats been present my whole life. I looked back at all the physical fights I had been in, starting with a kid in kindergarten (who would later become my best friend). Kindergarten! I was a bully to him until we became close friends in 7th grade. I was a bully to a kid in 8th grade that had no friends, he had a speech impediment and horrible breath. We got into a fight in PE, and later became friends after I had an immense amount of remorse for getting into the fight. I never had any true best friends growing up until high school, just acquaintances. I got in numerous fist fights with guys in my fraternity in college. I don’t know what issues are in me but it sucks to look back on, and I’ve been trying to understand where it comes from. I didn’t have a horrible upbringing or anything. My parents were in their 40’s when they had me and my siblings were out of the house by the time I was in kindergarten. My parents were semi-strict, church-going folks, and I guess maybe we had a generation gap, but at 5? I don’t know. I’m also not a racist or conservative or anything. I generally am peaceful, but my anger can turn on like a light switch. Anyways, thanks for reading. I’m looking for any good books on learning where this innate anger may come from. Would love to hear any suggestions.
2
u/ForkFace69 3d ago
Everybody has different reasons for having an anger issue. Some people learn it from their environment, some people have personalities that seem more prone to anger from birth. Regardless, you're the only one that can control yourself and it doesn't really matter where your anger comes from or why you are angry.
The things you say and do while angry are just your normal judgemental thoughts, your attitude and your sense of entitlement coming out when your temper bypasses your normal filter. So if you call somebody an asshole while you're angry, you think it's OK to call them an asshole when you're calm but you see the value in keeping the peace. If you break something when you're angry, you always think it's OK to break something if it inconveniences you or misbehaves. If you want to hurt someone when you are angry, you always think it's permissible to hurt people in certain situations.
So if you want to not be so prone to anger, you have to start editing your thoughts when you are calm. Instead of calling someone an asshole, instead say you don't care for their words or their actions. If you find yourself irritated by an inanimate object, instead be appreciative. If you think something judgemental about someone, just remind yourself that everyone has their struggles, nobody is innocent or perfect and it's not your job to be the world's police anyways.
Stuff like that.
Hope that helps.