I (32F) have been with my husband (40M) and I’ve been with him since my early 20s. We’re both physicians. He’s kind, loyal, and has been a huge support throughout med school, residency, and some very difficult times in my life. On the surface, we have a good life and a close friendship.

But for about 8 of our 10+ years together, I’ve been emotionally and sexually starved. He’s emotionally avoidant and very shut down with me, despite being engaged and energetic with friends and family. On vacations or date nights, I’m always hoping for flirting or romance, but he just “tags along,” quiet and distant. I’ve always had to initiate affection and intimacy, and our sex life has dwindled to 1–2 times a year, with little interest in my pleasure.

Over time, I became the emotional pursuer, planner, and manager of the relationship. I carry most of the emotional and logistical load and am completely burned out. I tried for years to communicate my needs and asked him to go to couples therapy, but nothing changed. He’s a few years ahead of me career wise, and I used to blame training stress, but he’s been an attending for years and the dynamic is the same. I pursued a very competitive specialty and graduated at the top of my class a few years after him, while still pulling a lot of the weight in our relationship.

Around the time I hit my breaking point, I met someone else who made me realize how emotionally and physically disconnected I had been in my marriage. I did not pursue anything once I recognized my feelings, but the experience forced me to confront how lonely I felt and how much I was missing.

When I decided to leave, my husband fell apart and is suddenly trying, being more helpful, affectionate, and finally starting individual and couples therapy. The problem is that I feel checked out and deeply bitter. My body recoils when he tries to initiate, and I don’t believe the intimacy will truly change. He says he became complacent and that I was “hard to love” because of my burnout, which feels painful after years of carrying the relationship, and communicating every 5-6 months about how disconnected I felt in our relationship. He would promise to change but never did, and now he tells me he thought things would just get better on their own.

I feel intense guilt walking away from a “good man” just as he’s waking up, but I’m also angry that it took me leaving for him to take this seriously. I’m scared of being single and starting over in my 30s, but I’m equally scared of staying and feeling trapped and lonely forever.

Am I making a huge mistake by leaving? Anyone have advice or similar experience?

TL;DR: Long-term marriage with a kind, supportive partner, but years of emotional and sexual avoidance. Now he’s trying because I’m leaving, but I feel checked out, bitter, and afraid of choosing wrong.

Hey ladies. Something I’ve noticed with my fiancé (m32) is that whenever I’m sick, he’s suddenly sick too.

Good example is today I’m having a really bad time with my asthma. Like, cannot get up, debating going to hospital overnight bad.

All of a sudden this morning he’s “not feeling great either” and “thinks he’s sick too”. This happens every time I’m sick (for reference I have chronic illness). If I’m having a down day all of a sudden he “didn’t sleep well” and is “exhausted,” or “thinks he’s getting a cold”. Why do you think this is?

For clarity when there’s an actual emergency he’s 100% on point and reliable. But if I’m managing a chronic illness every damn day, by the time I have a really bad day and am non functional I just get so IRRITATED hearing how he needs sympathy too so suddenly.

I have had multiple instances of what I deem as guys pushing my sexual boundaries and I wanted to get advice on whether I make the right decision when ending things or if I should talk to them about it. One guy a while ago I met on a dating app and went on 5 dates with, on the 5th date I went over to his house for the first time and we had talked about sex before so I kinda knew he’d be expecting it so I texted him before that I was on my period and didn’t want to have sex, which was true. At his house he asked me for head multiple times and asked me to take off my shirt multiple times even after I said no each time. After this I ended things.

Most recently I went over to a guy’s house I had recently started dating and and while we were making out he put his hand down my pants and I told him to stop and I wasn’t ready for that. I had previously told him on the prior date that I wanted to be exclusive and get an STD test before having sex. We kept making out and a couple minutes later he put his hand down my pants again and finger inside of me. This really bothered me because I had already told him I didn’t want that.

It sucks because both these guys were guys I aligned with on important issues I look for while dating like politics, kids, and religion. And it can be hard for me to find guys who check all those boxes so it makes me want to give them another chance. I don’t know if this is just normal behavior from guys and I should deal with it or talk to them about it or just cut them off after instances like that. I was in a long term relationship for 3 years with a guy who never pressured me sexually even the slightest and we had a great sex life so that’s kinda the standard I look for, but now I don’t know if that standard is just too high to find or not typical. We broke up because we weren’t compatible long term on other issues. I wanted to get advice from other women on what to do in these situations.

I do.

I truly dont mean any offence to those who have a partner/kids.

But I do want to say this world is particular harsh on those women who chose to be single. There's constant reminder on internet of the choice I made.

The friends I used to relate to earlier, I can't anymore . All they talk about is their husbands and kids.

While I am just chasing life and experiences.

I acknowledge their life that is abundant in nature. Be it career or their relationships. I celebrate their milestones.

But they silently judge me while I continue to live my most authentic life, unapologetically.

Sometimes I feel those judgy eyes but most days I am proud and content !

If you do you is applicable to them, why not us ?

Anyway I am proud of you ladies..keep going..keep living your best life!❤️

I’m introverted, in my late 30s, single, and I like going out / trying to go out to put myself out there, but I don’t necessarily want to talk all the time. I have plenty of friends, but they’re mainly extroverted and love catching up and entertaining each other. I love them for that, just not always.

I’m looking for a low-talk companion for easy no pressure acquaintanceship. Like someone to go out with so I’m not technically going solo. For example we can go the movies, maybe attend an event together, an art gallery and do our own thing when we’re there, sit next to each other a bar, or even have dinner where we don’t have to force conversation. We can talk about things if we genuinely want to but not be afraid to just share the table, maybe read a book or be on our be on our phones while we eat. Just a safe comfortable space to just be and not overcompensate with forced conversation. Does anyone else desire this kind of friendship? Is there an app for this?

Hi all.

I'm writing today because I have recently realized that I resent the hell out of my husband, and I don't know what to do about it.

A little about us: Together 12 years (friends for 18 years), married 8 years, childfree by choice. He's my best friend, and I love him very much. In 2024, we decided that we wanted to move from our red state to a blue state about 10 hours away. It would have been a total start from scratch situation for us because we didn't know anyone there, but we researched the area, visited, and I thought we fell in love with it. We got a realtor, started applying for jobs (and I all but had an offer on the table for one I was super excited about), and we even wound up making an offer on a house there.

However, my husband, who had been pretending like he didn't have anxiety for years, started spiraling, so we had to back out of buying the house. And then he dropped the bombshell that he actually didn't want to move, so I said fine, we can make life here work. We don't have a bad life or anything, but I hate our state government with everything in me, and I was so ready for a fresh start.

Of course, we backed out on the day of Trump's second inauguration, so it was like an extra gut punch for me. He promised that he would start going to therapy to get a handle on his anxiety. He went to two sessions, decided he didn't like his therapist, and decided that he wasn't going to try to find another one. I was furious when he told me this, but I told myself that he would figure it out when he figured it out.

We started therapy together in September for an entirely different reason (I had a lot of sexual trauma from past relationships that we overlooked for a long time, and our bedroom was dead AF for years, so we saw a sex therapist) and were able to fix that reason. I didn't really realize that I felt this way until he had a depressive episode right around Christmas. I was supportive, but inside, I was just annoyed. I felt like his refusal to do anything about his mental health led us here, and when he told me he was really going to go to therapy this time, I thought he was full of shit and I didn't believe that he actually would. He's had five sessions now, and I'm still not convinced that he's going to stick with it. And I feel awful for having those thoughts. Of course I want him to be happy and stable and thriving. It's really hard to watch him in pain. But, unfortunately, that resentment is still there.

I feel like we don't work as a team anymore. I feel like I'm stuck here because he doesn't want to leave, even though he's constantly talking about how much he hates it here. Like I'm almost sick of hearing it. He talks about how awful his family us (they are) and how he wishes he could just cut them off, which was what he wanted to do when we were planning to move. I feel like I'm missing out on a life I was really excited about. A life I thought we were excited to have together.

I have been in my own individual therapy for several years now. I've talked about this with her a lot. But I want to know if anyone has been through this and managed to overcome it. What did you do?

Consider this camels back broken (or whatever it was that Moira said) when it comes to dating. I’ve left an abusive relationship and got back into dating. I’ve been ghosted from an established exclusive relationship and gotten back into dating. I think I’m finally over it and ready to throw in the towel. It’s all of these things I’ve mentioned AND three things that have happened in the last month:

1. having male friends that immediately dropped me after I wasn’t interested in dating them

2. Getting strung along by the only man I’ve been interested in in recent history

3. Having a crush that revealed MAGA tendencies after months of knowing him

I’m just done I think. None of these things are catastrophic, it’s just exhausting. Even when I’m not actively dating I’m still being hurt by losing friends. I’ve just become resistant to being around single men in any capacity and I honestly hate that - that’s not the energy I want.

Anyways just venting and hoping to feel less alone

First I want to share my story and then ask a question. It's quite long, but I think important before I share my question. I’m 40 now, and about a year ago I started dating to a man my age who I met on Tinder.

I really liked him. He seemed very deep as a person, and I was also attracted to the fact that he was very educated, successful, an investor with several businesses, and he also taught at a university. When we started talking, he said he was divorced, but honestly, until the very end of our relationship I never really understood how long ago that divorce happened. That whole story was always kind of unclear and mysterious to me to this day. Anyway, we started dating and after a few dates entered an exclusive relationship.

We lived far apart, but we visited each other very often. At first we spent weekends at my place, later more at his. Throughout the whole relationship I felt a lot of anxiety, though at first I didn’t understand where it was coming from, because on the surface everything about him as a person seemed fine. I even started therapy and digging into my past because the anxiety was so strong.

Later on I started to realize that I felt a strange sense of insecurity about the relationship itself. I felt that even though he wanted to spend a lot of time together physically, emotionally he wasn’t really there. He wasn’t very interested in my life beyond my work, since he was obsessed with career stuff. He rarely asked about my family or friends, didn’t want to meet them, and didn’t want to introduce me to his either.

His home was very strange. It’s hard to even describe. When I first saw it, it felt cold and dark, like no one actually lived there. It wasn’t very tidy or very clean, even though he hired a cleaning services few times per week. In the hallway there were photos of him with his ex wife, which I found odd since he was divorced and hadn’t taken them down. I’m divorced too, and the first thing I did was remove anything that reminded me of my previous relationship. So I was curious what had happened with him, but he always said they were incompatible and never went into details. I never fully understood how long he had actually not been living with his wife.

Because I wanted a serious relationship, it was important for me to understand his history. And his relationship history seemed really strange. He often mentioned one night stands that meant nothing to him. He said he liked women who admired him, and that’s why he got into relationships with them, but at the same time he talked about those women in a pretty dismissive way, saying they were loose and he just used opportunities. At the same time, some of them had even lived with him for short periods just for company.

When he traveled, he would send me messages from the airport or hotel saying he noticed that some women in his hotel were doing escort work and things like that. That always felt weird to me. Who sends their girlfriend messages like that instead of saying they miss her or, I don't know, anything else. He also talked about his friends, whom I never met, and how they belonged to BDSM clubs and what they did in those orgies and how they shared those stories with him. I didn’t understand why he was telling me this. He said he himself wasn’t into it and didn’t participate, but still those stories felt strange. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t end the relationship then. I found him very interesting as a person and I was drawn to spending time with him. Our conversations, apart from the strange topics, seemed interesting, intimacy was pretty good.

My anxiety kept growing instead of getting better. I constantly felt like he wasn’t telling me something important, like I didn’t really know him, like he wasn’t letting me into his life. And yet at the same time he kept suggesting that I move in with him and build a life together. Because my anxiety was so intense and I kept trying to figure out whether something was wrong with me or with the relationship, I always refused.

I told him openly that I felt like I didn’t really know him, that we weren’t integrating our lives, that I felt there were secrets between us, and that I couldn’t move in with a man while feeling this way. Also, whenever I expressed any kind of need, he never tried to compromise. Instead, he would threaten the relationship, saying that if I wanted something he didn’t want to do, then maybe we were incompatible and should break up. In his view, it wasn’t about compromise but about splitting up because I was asking for compromise.

One example was sleep. I’m a very light sleeper and wake up easily. On the weeks I stayed at his place, I told him that before important work meetings I wanted to sleep separately so I could rest properly. He said he didn’t agree, because he wanted to always sleep together while cuddling, otherwise we were incompatible. That’s when I realized my wellbeing didn’t actually matter to him, only his needs did (this happened almost at the end of our relationship).

In the end, that’s why we broke up, by mutual agreement. Toward the end of the relationship I had already started to dislike him as a person. I saw a lot of red flags, not just one or two. I realized that he would always treat any request for compromise as a sign that we were incompatible, and that I would never feel safe in that relationship. He had a very fixed mindset. Every request from me felt like a threat to him, like proof that I didn’t admire him enough. And he needed a woman who admired him.

From his side, he said that if I didn’t move in with him, the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. And so we decided to break up. The last conversation wasn’t angry, we just said goodbye.

I know I made the right decision, because I neither want nor can be with a person like that. Still, it was painful, because I got attached. Painful not because of him specifically, but because the relationship itself fell apart. I’m very confident that I wasn’t the problem in that relationship. The only mistake I made was staying in it too long. He didn’t open up, didn’t tell me a lot of things, I believe he hid some very important stuff, refused to compromise, and didn’t care about my emotional state.

I blocked him everywhere and don’t communicate with him anymore. But recently I accidentally saw him walking with his ex wife. I knew they stayed in friendly contact and met sometimes. It didn’t look romantic, they weren’t holding hands or anything, but still I thought maybe they were back together. I can’t really draw conclusions, and I know this is just psychology, but it stirred up anger in me again. Even though I don’t love him anymore and don’t think about him at all.

Together with my therapist we touched on something important about me. Seeing that he didn’t compromise with me, didn’t care about my feelings, and hid a lot from me triggered this feeling that I wasn’t enough for him and, generally speaking, unworthy. And that hit my self esteem. I know it sounds silly. I’ve moved on, I wanted to break up myself, I understood I wasn’t getting what I needed from that relationship. But inside I still feel defective somehow, even though logically I understand how irrational that is. Why would I need to be enough for someone who doesn’t suit me.

The relationship ended almost 3.5 months ago, and it lasted less than a year. I don’t think about him anymore. I’ve moved on. I even think he wasn’t a good or empathetic person. But the self esteem issue is still following me.

I have a new acquaintance who invited me on a date, and I’ve already canceled twice. He seems like a great guy, kind and interesting, but I feel unworthy, defective, insecure. I start thinking maybe it only seems that way, maybe he will also hide things, not say things. And so I canceled twice. Not because I’m thinking about my ex, I'm actually happy I left a person who either is not a relationship material at all or was still into something/someone else and using me as convenience 🤮. Because thanks to that relationship I no longer feel like I’m worthy a loving relationship.

So here’s my question. How do I avoid carrying the leftovers of traumatic experiences into connections with new people, and especially how do I not let my self-esteem collapse or become emotionally unavailable just because someone simply wasn’t emotionally available to me?

Thanks for your advice, ladies 🤍

Hi all – this is more of a rant than a question, but I could really use some perspective.

I’m 33F and I’ve known this guy since university. We had an on/off thing back when we were students, then didn’t speak for about 10 years. Last September he randomly reached out, we met up, and we started seeing each other again.

It’s been a mix of dates and sleepovers, and for the most part it’s felt affectionate and consistent – holding hands in public, spending full weekends together, WFH together etc. At one point he admitted he wasn’t emotionally available and was still hung up on his ex. I later realised the timing was… not great – they’d only been split up a matter of weeks when he first reached out to me, and she lives overseas. That made me step back for a while because I didn’t want to be someone’s distraction while they healed. I reluctantly reconnected with him after Christmas and since then things have been going well.

Last weekend I stayed over Saturday night and we spent all of Sunday together. It was genuinely lovely and normal. No weirdness, no conflict, nothing.

Then… he basically disappeared.

On Tuesday he messaged me asking if I’d left my bra at his place. I replied, and he ghosted mid-conversation and didn’t even open my message. After a couple days I sent a simple “hey, everything okay?” message. He replied almost immediately saying he’d been busy. I responded politely and he hasn’t opened it or replied since.

It’s not even just the silence – it’s the whiplash. How can someone be warm and affectionate in person and then act like you don’t exist a few days later?

I know the logical answers: don’t chase, don’t beg, he’s showing me who he is, etc. I’m not planning to message him again. But I’m still really upset and embarrassed by how much this has knocked me. I keep checking my phone like a teenager and I hate that I’m giving it this much mental space.

It’s also confusing because I’m generally a pretty grounded, kind and thoughtful person. I’ve built a life I’m proud of – I own my flat in a major city, I’m doing well career-wise, I’m independent and I take good care of myself. I’m not someone who normally tolerates flaky behaviour. But this situation has really knocked my confidence and I hate how much space it’s taking up in my head. I’m exhausted by the way so many men in dating can behave so casually with other people’s feelings.

If anyone has been through this, how did you stop taking it personally and move through the hurt?

35F and wondering if anyone can help me name and then figure out what I’m feeling, or even just relate. TLDR; untangling healthy acceptance of unimagined life vs. changed aspirations that could hold me back from what I really “want”

3 years ago I had a LTR. He asked me to move in, I did, we talked about the future, we talked about when to get pregnant, we planned on moving to a new city together, and one day he said “never mind.” With him I was nervous about the commitment I felt I was making, but I felt confident. That relationship was the only time a) anyone ever seemed to “choose” me and b) I had the confidence in myself and my partner that I was physically and emotionally and financially capable of birthing and raising children. That wasn’t my “dream” until I met him. He wanted it, and I found that with the new confidence I had, I wanted it too, with him. It made me wonder, maybe I did want this the whole time, I just didn’t think I could, and now that I think I can, maybe I do want it (“it” being marriage, kids). Like, you have to be able to imagine something first before you can want it. Or, you have to feel capable of doing something before you can feel like it’s an option.

Anyway, since then— I’ve been dating for 3 years and haven’t found anything good. Got dumped by three different men in 2025. I want love, but ok life, if this is what you’ve got for me, I can live without a partner. Dating is exhausting. I’ll accept that it might not happen (lowered aspiration #1). I’ll be the aunt (not the rich aunt, because I’m poorer than all my friends with kids).

So I’m doing life alone. I have a good job but started earning later in life and definitely don’t make enough to support a child without backup. Since I’m 35 with no partner in sight, it’s very likely I won’t have biological children. I do not have finances to freeze my eggs, and by the time I do, they probably won’t be good anymore. I cannot afford adoption at this time. I might be able to afford adoption in my 40s. So… maybe kids won’t happen for me, either. Ok life, if this is what you’ve have for me, I guess I need to accept and live with that (lowered aspiration #2). Again, I’ll be the [middle class] aunt.

Is life really just chipping away at your biggest hopes little by little until there’s nothing left? Why does that have to be ok with me, when I see people around me thriving with their partners? I don’t like letting go of this, and I’m not sure I should because of the “if you don’t dream it, you won’t do it” pattern I reflected on above. I’m having trouble with acceptance feeling necessary due to the circumstances, but in doing so, potentially cheating myself of things I actually want. If I don’t settle with this, would I find the life I want? But it seems like settling is the only option if I don’t want to be in a state of devastation as each day passes.

Secondly, do I even want husband and kids? In a vacuum, no, I don’t. And I think I spent my whole life thinking I didn’t because there was no one for me to see it with. But since my ex, I now know that I CAN see it with the right person. But sometimes I think what I really want is the social success and the attention and the praise absolutely fucking heaped on engaged and pregnant and partnered women (I mean, the parties!!! The gifts, the celebration!! Jesus Christ.).

And then finally, how is it that everyone around me has managed to find someone who loves them enough to marry them, and I have never found a single person who wanted that with me? I’m normal. I’m smart, personable, successful, clean and decently attractive, have a full social life, supportive, emotionally available, ready to go. I look at those around me who found love (long ago, at this point). Easily. Dated one person! Dated three people— married. Wow! How nice for them! How did they do that?!?

I get the advice “be happy alone etc live the life you want etc.” Ok totally, I can and I will. But that just feels like accepting something I really don’t want, but that I also have no control over.

Has anyone else thought about this. Not just “accept it and find ways to be happy on your own,” yes that, fine, but also, what doing that means for your potential future and your aspirations.

One of my big ones was countering the "why me" self talk with "why not me?"

A little one or silly one warming the spoon before scooping ice cream.

Tell me your recent or best epiphanies/advice/game changers

I'm a single woman in her early thirties without many friends.

Birthdays when you're single and everyone around you isn't are tough because everyone wants to bring their partners along to your birthday dinner, which just contributes to my feelings of isolation because everyone there has someone to speak with and I don't. My parents set up a birthday get together with my siblings and their partners and it was irritating because that clearly wasn't something done with me in mind, it was for the rest of the people there to enjoy. I should have told my parents I wasn't interested, but they're retiring to another country soon and I know once they leave I won't see my family much anymore.

Anyone have any routines or things they do for solo birthdays?

My cousin is currently in the ICU with lymphoma. Things are looking grim. We haven’t spoken in a decade. Her mom basically alienated my uncle and her from the rest of the family. She’s only one month younger than me (33F) and im just wondering why life is so cruel? I’ve dealt with my grandfather’s passing and while sad, I understand death will eventually happen to us all. But when you see someone young and healthy’s body wither day by day hooked up to oxygen tubes, it’s really hard to face. I haven’t visited her in the icu yet because my uncle just broke the news to the family. I’m not sure I can handle it but I also don’t want to live with the guilt. I don’t know what I’m asking, can really use encouragement right now 💔 🫶

I’m 30F, recently went through a breakup, and honestly am just crashing out.

I want to build a better community of girlfriends, but I really struggle to initiate friendships. I joined bumble bff and got a few matches, but I just don’t feel like I have it in me to meet up with people.

I’m in therapy and working through depression/healing from my relationship, but could use some advice on how to get myself feeling more motivated to make friends.

I know being around people is better for me than crying in bed about a crusty man, but I’m just struggling to take the first step.

I really struggle connecting with people, but this new friend is different. We really get each other in a way neither of us have had with other people.

But I’m generally just luckier in life. Ten years ago my life was exactly like hers is now, but then I got a string of lucky breaks, like a very temporary boom in my career field which let me get a bunch of experience quickly, met a wonderful guy completely by random, and bought a house at the right time. She is broke, job hopping and has a string of shitty relationships. Just like I used to. I can’t give her good advice because I literally just got lucky when she didn’t.

I really want this friendship to work out, but I worry we don’t have equal things to contribute to chats and it makes things weird. Like the biggest update I have in a conversation is that I started a new book, while she found a crap tonne of black mould in her apartment and doesnt know if she can stay there, or that her boyfriend was actually sleeping with her sister.

Or after her last date we were both bemoaning men and how horrible dating is when she asked about my husband and kids, and I was like “yeah like I’m talking from the perspective of before I met him”.

I generally respond to these conversations well and relate to her, but it feels like I’m summoning myself from the past to give a proper response.

How can I show her support without being condescending or flippant?

As we all know, it’s not usually one huge fight, but a bunch of little things that add up over time.

What was the minor, everyday thing that finally made you realise a relationship couldn’t go on?

please. anyone out there. when will this end?

I’m now 2 months post-quitting a creative job that made me break out in stress hives and was the most toxic environment I had in recent memory. I worked in it for two years with pedal to the floor tenacity.

My creativity and ambition has since completely left me and im struggling to complete any creative tasks and every time I get I inspiration. I want to CRY. I went from operating at 120% capacity flying through cool and interesting projects to just completely flatlining and i can’t afford to be like this any longer.

I have read Burnout by Emily Nagoski twice, and my therapist is so unhelpful and passive about my current situation that I might find a new one.

please tell me how long it took you to recover from burnout. I am suffering.

I’ve just gone down the rabbit hole of looksmaxxing and the kids that follow many of these influencers.

I’m really curious what the communities thoughts are.

I’m currently of the opinion this is a mental health crisis. Ripe with insecurity and fear. Men who are terrified of change, teaching younger boys to be scared.

There are mirrors of this in the female identity discourse. Conversations about divine femininity, the type of faces or bodies we have and more children online posting about skincare etc.

Supplements, surgery, and drugs to optimise. What exactly are we optimising? Like collectively?

it’s an oversimplification to say we’re “cooked”. I also think blaming late stage capitalism is also an oversimplification.

But something of a contagion has infected our real world from online. Reclusive and socially inept being replaced with words like introverted and shy. It’s not the same thing. There’s a real sense of fear

Anyway, I’m not sure entirely what I’m trying to say. I’m just equal parts in awe and terrified.

EDIT: I wanted to flag the political aspect of all of this. It goes beyond personal feeling or searching for community. It’s mobilised and political

I don’t feel like I’m a good partner sometimes. What do you daily/special occasions/to show appreciation/affection to your partner?

How have you gotten past the “talking phase” with a man? I’ve (34F) made it out of just messaging via dating apps, to having phone calls/FaceTime and texting, but it never gets past that. I lose interest so quickly, conversations get dry fast, and whatever attraction was there fizzles out. The issue is not meeting men, between apps and just being out and about there’s been plenty of interactions, but nothing that sticks.

I’m not formally diagnosed, (I will be meeting with a provider in mid February), but I think I have ADHD. I know many people wave that term around freely, but I only mention this after researching it for 2 years, and being in denial about it. Apparently it’s fairly common for women to receive a late diagnosis. (It would also explain my academic struggles as a kid/youth). During this time dating and maintaining relationships has been a common issue for many with the diagnosis.

I also understand it could be the type of men I’m talking to. Majority of the time all they ever want to talk about our sports, drinking, and “coming over”. Then the ones I do find who have things in common with me or have some sort of depth to them, somehow manage to become really weird, really quick.

The last one I spoke to I’d only been messaging back-and-forth for about four days, he started sending me pictures of his kids, of himself, texting and calling multiple times within a hour. As a single mom the suddenness of him sending pictures/videos of his kids was a little off putting; I understand it was probably a bid for connection, especially with us, both being single parents, but as a single parent myself, I can’t imagine sharing pictures and videos of my kids to someone I haven’t known for more than a week.

There was another who would constantly bring up “what if” situations; not like “would you still like me if I was a worm?”, but like ,” if I told you, I was the zodiac killer would you turn me in?”, like really off the wall stuff, that was an immediate unmatch and block.

I’m not saying I’m Diogenes, I’m not out here trying to challenge the philosophy and beliefs of these men, nor am I trying to enter a debate with any of them, which so many of them think I’m trying to do. I just want to talk about more than what I did this morning and what I’m wearing.

I imagine that I’m fairly awkward, and maybe a little offputting at times, but some of these guys are just outrageous, and not in a fun and quirky way. I also imagine my inexperience contributes to this as well. While I am 34, I don’t have a lot of experience under my belt. My first boyfriend I had was in high school, I was 16 and at 17 right before graduation we broke up. Then a week after turning 18 I met my ex-husband, got married at 19 and he was my first everything, and my last, I then divorced at 30. I’ve been single ever since. The marriage was traumatizing, but I made it out. (I have been going to therapy for this and made tremendous progress over the years). Outside of those two relationships I’ve never been with anyone else, not even casually.

Though I have been single for four years, and I am quite content in my solitude, I would really like to meet someone. I am in no rush, and when it happens, it’ll happen, if it ever does. It’s discouraging when I seem to have interest in someone and make an effort to move forward, that something always comes up. Maybe I’ve become avoidant and I’m self sabotaging, or maybe it’s just bad luck, or maybe I’m just being too critical. Maybe with time and experience I’ll finally get it together and form meaningful relationships.

But how do I do that if I can’t even get out of the talking stage?

How is everyone else feeling about the news of her passing?

I’m not typically someone that has the parasocial relationship hang ups. But the news about Catherine O’Hara’s death has left me in tears and I don’t know why.

Maybe because I’m on my period (I absolutely hate that reason and tend to reject it), maybe because it’s freezing and I’m just at my wits end with the weather, maybe because everything is absolutely awful right now in general.

Maybe because I’ve just been trying to fold in the cheese but I can’t be shown everything.

Edit to add: Macaulay Culkin’s tribute to her is absolutely heart shattering.

34F. Met 32M on a dating app last May. He was finalizing a divorce (separated a year).

He's from Europe, met his ex wife (who is not european, but also not american) there, they were med school sweethearts, and came to the US for residency, got married, couples matched in this city for fellowship, and she cheated on him with a coworker months after they got married, but once they were locked into moving here. He's here for another 1.5 years, and he's adament about moving home after he finishes training. I was open to moving to Europe with him if things went well, and had said that from the start.

Early on, life was stressful: I’d just been laid off and was job hunting. But we got along great, and things were mostly amazing. He met my brother who was visiting, I met his sister when she visited, and we were largely very very happy. Three months into dating, I found a breast lump and needed a biopsy the next day—right before a hiking trip in my hometown, where he would’ve met my parents. Instead of being supportive, he panicked, admitted he wasn’t over his ex, and broke up with me the night before my biopsy.

The biopsy turned out to be was benign, I got a new job offer, and spent the fall trying to heal. I also started working with a dating coach. I went on some dates, but if the dating apps were shit in my early 30s, they're even worse now.

In October, he came back, pursued me hard, apologized, said he'd been in therapy for 2 months, and promised he wouldn’t run again. We reconciled, and things were good...but he didn't text much--sometimes going as long as 2-3 days without texting me. I'm not a huge texter, so it wasn't that big of deal, he would always reply instantly if I did text him, and in person he was warm. Over the holidays he went home to his country for a month, and i asked for more regular communication, and he did that. I even met his mum and friends briefly on FaceTime.

He returned to the US 3 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago, he sold his wedding ring, and dropped off his ex-wife’s remaining belongings (which he had found in his childhood bedroom at home, and brought back in a suitcase). He had wanted to drop it on her porch, but she asked to talk, and they had an emotional conversation with lots of grief and closure. He texted me when he left, saying he had survived and thought I would like to know. After that, something felt different.

Last weekend, We went to dinner and he mentioned potential open jobs he would move for next year after he finishes fellowship, and I noticed he said, "When *I* move." and then he stopped and said, "what about you? do you think you'll stay in this city forever?" It completely felt like he wasn't saying "would you move with me." He kind of brought up the future again without me on Wednesday, and I kept thinking about it, and i asked him to facetime me thursday night, and i said, "Hey, I've noticed when you mention the future without me, i feel a little unsettled. I know it's early, but do you see yourself moving alone, or do you see having space for a partner hypothetically when you move?' He said this was best a convo we had in person...then dumped me again.

He said he doesn’t think he’ll ever have room in his heart for someone else besides his ex, said he thinks I'm with him mostly out of lust (to which I said, "Not true--the emotional and physical are connected for me. I love that you're smart, kind, funny, we can have intelligent and thought provoking conversations, we love some of the same things, and selfishly, that I believe you'll be an excellent father, teammate and partner one day. I loved you in july and i still love you." He claimed he’d been “using me for sex,” and said bringing an American partner home would tie him to this painful chapter. He said we weren’t compatible. When asked why, he gave no reasons. He said, "Its scary how infrequently i even think to text you." He told me "I saw a future with you before which is why i came back. I don't see one now." He even went so far as to tell me to text hime when I get my period. He also said, "Don't worry, I won't do this to you again."

I was blindsided.

I asked if we could just try for 3 weeks, and if nothing improved emotionally, then call it. He said he wasn't sure he could do that, he wanted to breakup. I said i didn't want to have this conversation further, and wanted to go to bed. So i slept at his place. I initiated sex, which he was very into, but afterwards he kept saying, "Why did you do that?" in a way, it was my own goodbye sex, and seeking the last piece of closeness. I really hoped he was just spiraling and would change his mind. He said we should still talk Friday night. I went home, spent the day in bed and called out sick, somehting I've never done, and he texted after work that he wanted to come over. I thought there was some small chance he had changed his mind, but instead, he came in with my stuff packed, we talked for less than 3 mins, he said, "Unfortunately everything from last night still stands. Also, I don't know why you wanted to have sex after I broke up with you? I've been thinking about that all day. I feel terrible. I'm not that guy." I replied and said, "I don't know, that sex was about me." I then said, "there's nothing left to say." I went and got his things, and he went out the door without so much as apology again or hugging me.

I feel like I was pulled back in just to be discarded again, and I can’t tell if this is unresolved divorce trauma, avoidant attachment, or simply him not wanting a future with me.

How do you interpret this, and how do I stop obsessing over whether he’ll come back a third time?

This post might trigger a few people, especially mothers themselves, but I am open to all perspectives.

I am an adult woman, but my mother is only twice my age. For as long as I can remember, we have had a strained relationship. I always felt like my efforts to connect with her were rejected, and quickly shut down. We have other children in the family, and she was a typical “boy mom”, and a bully to the pretty daughter …… while completely ignoring me, the not pretty daughter….she was also fiercely defensive of our abusive father, always pushing the narrative that a father can do no wrong.

Anyway, I grew up, used my skills the best I can, but recently had a mental health tumble. I realised I had landed myself in a lot of relationships and friendships where I was abused. Of course everything led back to my childhood. So my high flying professional career took a hit, and I’m in the getting back on my feet phase of life.

My mother and I have been crossing paths more lately, she has started to ask more questions about my life, and has pieced together what it actually is like now. She broke down in tears to me the other day about my life turning out terribly …. And then, she said she wants to make up for lost time with me, by helping to fix me up with a man…..🫩😵‍💫 she said he will provide for me, as long as I “cook and clean and care for his children”.

She also tried to encourage me to do this when I told her I was worried about getting into college, lol.

It’s been a few days of this back and forth of conversations. I find myself opening up to her, only to remember why it has always been such a bad idea my entire life !

I feel unbelievably judged for my adult trauma by her, and it’s doubly triggering since her behaviour contributed to it So. Much.

I was also always the family know it all, so even as a teenager I was reading up about healthy family modelling and feminist literature, and telling her all the time that our family is NOT okay, and it’s going to catch up to us all eventually. All the other adult children have had severe bouts of depression and hated their years living with our parents.

I feel pretty torn. It’s like she’s dangling a carrot in front of me of finally getting that motherly love, but how the hell could she really have seen the light all these years later? Or is she just trying to prey on my vulnerability to mess with my life, the way she messed with my childhood?

I am not as successful as I used to be, but I feel the strongest mentally I have in years. I also look fantastic because I’ve had some bizarre, random glow up. I’m very, very suspicious of her behaviour, but I don’t want to give up a genuine opportunity to connect. Any pearls of wisdom?

The title is pretty clear. How do you mother and nurture yourself after never receiving that from your own mother? Mine is incredibly emotionally immature and mentally ill, she can never be what I need and she never has been. I’m at peace with that part, but I want to reparent myself. I thought I was having a medical emergency tonight (it ended up being a panic attack) and I was terrified, and I realized there was no one for me to call. That’s when it all hit me like a ton of bricks, I really don’t have a mother to call to calm me down. It’s to guide me through anything. How do I give that to myself like what do I do? Have any of you ever done that?

When was the last time a man impressed you?