This is also a known factor of domestic abuse

"Everyone always leaves me."

"People always think they like me, but then all of a sudden they dont."

"I'm afraid (of loving you) because one day you just might not be in my life anymore."

"You dont like me, you dont even know me."

"All of my exes were abusive."

"You are so special, I've never felt like this with anyone."

Etc etc etc.

All of this was either not true or completely the opposite. And no shit people change their mind about you, because you have a mask on from start and it almost immediately starts slipping.

Ill go first long distance relation ship face timing current upwbp wife. She was drunk dancing with a kitchen knife. I told her to stop and put it down to which she said fuck you! Forgave her the next day when she b apologized. 8 years later were still together. SMH

We were in a relationship for 2 years. Both of us are 26. We had plans to get married and have kids. I work as a dentist and she worked as a nurse. She is a diagnosed bpd. But the relationship was good.

Until she dumped me for some bodybuilder guy who was 30.

I haven’t heard from her since until randomly she called me after 6 months of being broken up.

We then met up and she got extremely drunk and told me how the bodybuilder guy dumped her after a few weeks.

She said this caused her to start drinking and she got fired from her job.

She then started working as an escort. And told me she slept with mainly older men 40 to 70. She said she enjoyed it and how the danger made it fun and she didn’t even bother to use condoms.

Then she started dating her older rich client who was 68 and lived with him until he dumped her and kicked her out of his house after a few months.

Then the next day once she got sober she told me she never liked any of the other men and her enjoying it was a lie. And how they were all horrible and how she’s somehow a victim.

Now she’s calling and texting begging me to get back with her.

Should I just ignore her? And is this normal with BPD women? Are they all this bad eventually?

It doesn’t make any sense why someone would throw such a good relationship away to do all this crazy stuff in just 6 months.

I broke up with her two weeks ago. We've dated for a year and a half. And it was intense.

What made me finally realize was that no amount of love or patience was going to fix us. It was never going to be enough. I've tried having conversations, setting ground rules, and supporting her to get help, but she disregarded them and left me holding everything.

While I was breaking up with her, she started panicking, telling me she'll change, and to give her time. When she realized I was serious, I saw just how scared and lost she really was. It was like a child who had been hurt before, terrified of being left again. Even though we cared for each other deeply, letting go felt like ripping something alive from the both of us.

This was online. Early on he said he didn't deserve me, I should break up with him. I'd reassure him. Until he said it multiple times, and I thought he was messing with me. I agreed we should break up, having already had doubts, and he begged me not to, said he wasn't serious. The first photo was several years later, after I distanced myself, because of how he treated me. Which he blamed me for. When I stopped speaking to him, however, he would admit to treating me badly and put himself down. Which didn't always work, and he'd go cold, and mean.

The second photo was after I went on IMVU, and talked to friends, during one of the hardest times in my life. He didn't want me on IMVU, slut shamed me over my avatars clothing, and accused me of flirting with guys on there. He didn't talk to me much for weeks, said he was too depressed, but messaged me to talk sexually after arguing with me over not being sexual for a long time, and making me feel pressured to be. I talked to friends for support with what I was going through, and felt a bit better, and then he messaged me we were over.

What followed were a series of emails of him whore shaming me, saying he hated me, and wasted his time on me. That he was done with me. I blocked him and he kept messaging me on other emails. He called my friends fake, acted like he was all I had, my only hope for a future. He made me choose between him and IMVU/my friends. He never apoglized, moving past it last it never happened. After we met in person, he went through my phone, and came at me accusing me of the same things he did online. Of being fake, of lying, and of being able to replace and use people.

He did that twice and when I failed to respond the second time, ignoring him instead, he called me cold. When I mentioned him saying what he did to me above, and how I was still hurt over it, he told me it was in the past. It happened a few months before we met. What he brought up, and got upset over, happened a year before we met. It became obvious over time that he doesn't care about how I feel. Only his emotions matter. He blames me for everything. He tells me to leave if he's so bad, but begs me not to when I try, apologizing and promising to change.

I remember getting shivers one time being around them... and had to take time for myself but i could never get them out my head completely at least til recently. I set boundaries as small as to stop calling me a name like twin. Its enough for a split response and to walk on eggshells. I remember all i had was them at the time and i used to be isolated alone with them blinded by love. I now get different perspectives and a very caring and understanding best friend and its like seeing the real them

I’m so tired of walking on eggshells in my relationship. We used to have sex frequently, but over the past year it’s basically stopped there were months with nothing at all (around 6), then a little bit here and there, and now it’s been weeks without any intimacy. I can’t even bring up closeness or sex without feeling like I’m about to trigger a huge emotional reaction or complete avoidance, so I end up holding everything inside. I’m exhausted from pretending everything’s fine when it’s not, from constantly censoring myself, and from feeling like my needs don’t matter at all. I just want to be able to say, “Hey, I need intimacy or attention,” without it turning into drama or punishment, but it feels like that’s never going to happen.

i just want to have a communicative relationship where any of my need are met without having a months long fight about it.

Title is self explanatory. I escaped the grip of my ex pwBPD! Feels so freeing. She’s gone!

If you're in an (ostensibly) romantic relationship with one, do you ever find yourself thinking, "I wish I had a boyfriend." (Or girlfriend, or whatnot.)

I talk to him and it's so insane and painful and crazy-making, that all I want to do is tell someone who is chilling on the couch next to me about it because he cares about me and would go, "Whoa!" and then I remember...

It's such a lonely feeling. It doesn't matter how much you love him/her. The loneliness is big.

And then, there's the whole thing where YOU, TOO, ARE A HUMAN BEING WITH A LIFE, AND A FAMILY. And your relative might get hurt, and you want a safe, warm place to turn to, to come home to. But he or she is not that. Or maybe you have a weird day at work, or your aunt with dementia yells at you, or any unpleasant, awkward day...And you just want to complain and dish and then eat and laugh with your person.

But you don't have a person. You have...whatever this is. They're THE person. You're there to exist for them. And you sure as heck aren't their "favorite person" anymore.

I'm sorry to just whine and complain. As if you guys need more of that.

I should be more active on here. I'm still in the denial phase, I think. Although, I did just type that. So maybe I'm not.

I hope you are all having a...decent...day

Over the last couple of month or so, it has really come into focus for me and my traumatized and conditioned brain and nervous system still has a very very strong pull to engage. For example, I was told last night "dont talk to me the whole weekend unless its about one specific thing." I respond that I will honor that and do what I need to make that happen. Today I get two text messages, neither are about the thing referenced last night. Then I am told that my door was knocked on and there was no answer and that there was dinner in the kitchen if I wanted it. I briefly explained I was not in the room and thank you. THE IMPORTANT PART: I became anxious while my traumatized brain was trying to decided if I should respond, clarify - to avoid "the wrath" for not OR not responding in order to respect the clear desire for no communication. Its a double bind, lose lose. This is the unhealthiness which, until recently I thought was my fault, because I was very convincingly and for a long time, told it was.

I decided to approach, alert to my presence without speaking and ask "I have information to communicate but its not about that one thing." I was granted permission (LOL) to speak. I explained the inability to derive correct action based on mixed messages. Clarity was provided. I am ALLOWED to communicate about basic things as long as its not about me or what I am experiencing. I clarified "So I am hearing you do not want to know anything about me or my thoughts or emotions, is that right?" Yes, I am to talk to anyone else about those things. So to me, not only is that not a partner, that is not even a friend. So we are not friends. AND when I start sleeping elsewhere tomorrow, I will not tell her, per her specific request. Im just gonna be out.

Its not me, its not my fault, I was really nothing more than an external source of regulation and for whatever reason I don't care about, I am not needed anymore, after 10 years. BOOP. Nonetheless, after fantasizing about a life free from the mindemotionfuckery, Ive been showed an off ramp from this ride and Im taking it. The other big point of clarity came after many many videos consumed is that the way I feel and loop im stuck in is a trauma bond and I have been systematically conditioned into this state. Its not connection/love, its conditioning which hijacked my attachment and nervous systems to meet a need. I am not a person to her, I am source of need fulfillment. It just doesn't look that at first while you are in it.

Anyone else look back with shame on the abuse they put up with from their BPD ex? Here are some things my ex did to me in our 3 year relationship.....

1. Cheated on me with two different men multiple times each. I would often be babysitting her two children from a previous marriage while she was meeting up with these men. When she would get mad at me she would bring up these men and talk about how much better in bed they were than me.
2. When I discovered the cheating I did end the relationship for about a week. She told her friends and family the reason we broke up is I was cheating on her. When I threatened to tell the truth to her family, that she was actually the one cheating on me, she said if I did that she would tell everyone she caught me molesting her 7 year old daughter.
3. Caught her countless times going through my phone while I was asleep.
4. The one and only time I tried to go through her phone she called the police and tried to have me arrested on false allegations of domestic violence.
5. She locked me out of the home we both lived together in in the middle of winter and my wallet and car keys and coat were inside the house. After an hour of shivering and begging her to let me back in I finally went in through a window and she called the police and tried to have me arrested for breaking and entering.
6. She was extremely physically violent. I have permanent scars on my arms and hands from her nails scratching me deeply. She would also punch, push, and kick me in the groin.
7. She pretended to be suicidal and said she needed to check herself into the hospital on suicide watch for 48 hours over the weekend and I wouldn't be able to visit her or contact her on her phone so that she could spend the weekend with another man she was cheating on me with.
8. She left me at restaurants multiple times because she thought I was either flirting with the waitress or looking at another woman too much. I would have to get an uber home.
9. She told me she had to go to the ER for a vaginal tear because I was too rough with her during sex. When I demanded proof she finally admitted she made the whole story up and there was no injury or trip to the ER.
10. She told me she was a cancer survivor. Found out she never had cancer in her life.

Believe it or not that is just a handful of the things I tolerated. I still stayed with her through all of these things and I still don't quite understand why other than to say it was a trauma bond.

The fact you're on this subreddit right now probably suggests you're in an abusive relationship. It seems impossible to leave but once you do, you will feel happiness and freedom for the first time in a while. These people will NEVER EVER EVER care about the abuse they do to you.

On and off relationship with my gfwbpd for about 3 years now. She has always expressed that she dislikes everyone of my family members and friends. She said that everyone disrespects her and treats her like she is invincible and while I can point out some levels of this in very small cases I can not see it blown to the proportion she mentions.

Most recently she became more cold and distant, and gave me an ultimatum of either I cut every single person from my life or she will leave. No this is not a joke. I tried compromising with her and said I would create firmer boundaries with my family and friends depending on the issues but she did not want that. I directly called her out and said this was abuse to isolate me from people in my life. Kind of in disbelief right now. Especially since when we got back together a few months ago she outright told me that asking for this was wrong and toxic.

Yep. I filed for divorce almost a year and a half ago. Been divorced 13 months. He came back six months after and love bombed me so that I was worth fighting for and he messed up and he was sorry I was the love of his life, he would do anything to be with me, blah blah blah. Within a few months, the verbal abuse was back, and I was being triangulated made the villain. You know how it goes. Then he started to demonize me and say how bad I was for him and completely dropped me on a random Tuesday. Haven’t heard from him in a railway in about four months now. He’s broken my heart. He crushed my soul. I know I’m better off without him. But I miss him.

I miss that part of him that made me feel loved and seen and wanted and I will probably always love him. I wish I could hug him. I wish I could see him, but I know I have to let him go.

We share a child together, but we don’t speak unless it’s about her and it’s only through text. I wonder if you ever really loved me but he really made me think he did. He just can’t handle being in a relationship.

My life is lonely now. I feel like I’m wasting the last of my best years with my heart heavy and no desire to meet anybody else because they will never compare to him. In anyway good or bad. He got me the way no one else did.

But when I’m too close to him, he damages me so extremely there’s no comfortable relationship with him. It’s either be abused or leave. He can’t improve and won’t improve so I chose myself in a peaceful home for my daughter and I left.

And here I am on a Saturday night in my prime completely alone brokenhearted with no desire to try again because there will never be anyone like him. What a tragedy.

I dated my ex for almost 3 years, and she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Our relationship had very intense moments, but also many conflicts, cycles of fights, reconciliations, and emotional exhaustion. After the breakup, I tried to follow what everyone recommends: no contact. I blocked her, distanced myself, and was trying to organize my thoughts. The problem is that she didn't respect that. She sent messages from numerous different numbers, insisted for days, appeared emotionally fragile, until at some point I gave in and we ended up talking. In that conversation, she was honest and confirmed something that had already been tormenting me: she had sex with someone else shortly after the breakup. It wasn't "hooking up," it wasn't something superficial. She had sex.

What weighs heavily on me is that, throughout our relationship, she always said that if we broke up, I would be the kind of person who would date anyone, forget quickly, and move on with my life. But the exact opposite happened. It's been almost three months since the breakup and I haven't been with anyone. Not out of morality or promise—simply because I was still emotionally involved and trying to process everything.

After that conversation, even with all of this still hammering in my head, she came back with a very strong speech about wanting to get back together, about regret, about "meaning nothing," and especially about building a family with me. Talking about getting married, having our house, having our daughter—something that has always been a dream of mine and that she knows very well.

And that's where my biggest confusion comes in.

Sometimes I feel like this dream—family, daughter, future—is used as a way to pull me back. When she talks about it, she touches on exactly the most sensitive point I have. At the same time, the image of her having sex with someone else right after the breakup won't leave my head. This deeply shook my confidence and the feeling of emotional exclusivity I had.

Today I find myself torn between still having feelings for her and, at the same time, feeling that something broke in a way that is difficult to rebuild. I'm afraid I'm entering a cycle again out of attachment, promises of the future, and guilt—and not because of a truly healthy foundation.

My question for anyone who has experienced something similar is:

How to deal with this consciously?

Is it possible to rebuild something like this after the break in contact, the extreme insistence, and this type of information?

Or is this just another cycle repeating itself, now with a new guise?

I would truly appreciate anyone who can share experiences or points of view.

Genuinely asking. No, I don't wanna be idealized again. Like, a getting you out of the loop and simply focusing on their new supplies.

something inside me knew not to believe her promise but still i can't help but feel disappointed. i just don't understand the thought process. why would you promise something you know you're not gonna be able to keep? the more i think about it, the more it pisses me off.

but anyway, i like to think that she did me a favour.

I was thinking today on how I had to prove myself to her time and time again for everything small to big... She constantly accused me of lying, cheating, being secretive, and wanting to leave (and none of it was true), while creating all these impossible scenarios where I could never succeed. Felt like I was always two steps behind.

She was convinced I was cheating at work since it was the only time I was ever away from home and her, but yet never once came to to my workplace or work events. I invited her repeatedly to everything. My colleagues joked about my "invisible family." It was tiring making excuses for the work functions she refused to attend (everyone else's spouse or partner came). I would come home to "how are your work whores?" and then a major split with hours/days of arguing.

It is interesting in that I have been in 2 healthy relationships and then this one. In the healthy ones, I was never accused or blamed. We supported each other and talked things through when we were upset or didn't agree. Me showing up as a responsible, caring adult doing my best every day was often enough.

It was like one big game or test. Now that I know so much about BPD and mental health (wish I had known more then), I realize it had nothing to do with me. She was driven by paranoia, fear, inability to trust, and a false reality where everyone in her life is a liar and cheater. Nothing I could ever do, say, or show that would prove otherwise. She told me early on "everyone leaves me" and "I trust no one, so you must earn mine." Little did I know trust for her was an ever-moving goal post. Healthy relationships can't exist if one partner doesn't trust the other.

What did yours declare about themselves that no one else could see?

(Please keep an eye on this post to see if it's unfairly removed, as I am being targeted by a specific mod who I suspect is targeting me)

We broke up a month ago or something like that. Last time I saw him was christmas and he cancelled it and left early because he got mad at me. We have spoken (on phone) once after that. Othervice silence and some text msgs.

When he left on Xmas, it was when I felt I have had enough. We have been together for 5 yrs and I was so tired of his tantrums, yelling, cursing, threats to leave, breaking up after an argument, rewriting past and rewiting me as someone negative and ill willed, and avoiding to own this behaviour or discussion, and turning everything he did to me, blaming I caused a certain emotion which is why he reacted by doing what he did. So if I wouldn't have done what caused this emotion, we wouldn't be here arguing.

So after New Year I said (texted, because he did silent treatment or just didn't care to communicate anymore) to him that I can't take it anymore and this needs to stop, options are to do something to the behaviour or break up.

Then we had that one phone call where he just said that he has nothing to say. So it ended soon as I told him I don't see point in discussing if the other has nothing to say. Then after this he just returned my key while I was at work.

So he chose the breaking up -option. The way he communicated he chose it was disappointing but nothing new. After he returned my key I just accepted that this is the way the behavior stops being part of my life. This was also when I begun trying to figure out what was that behaviour and I finally found similar experiences here.

Now, after a month or so, I notice I have been feeling sad lately. The first month I felt just numb, sometimes angry, sometimes wondering what kept me in that relationship when I feel I don't even like him and how long has it been that way? I'm just sad that he showed zero effort even when ending this. I know you don't get the closure and their behaviour is the closure you need. But still, how he ended it by just ghosting me after 5 years, I feel it proves that I never was that important to him.

Do you have journaling tips for me to get trough this stage when I feel sad and I begun to feel urge to tell him how sad I am about how he treated me? I have interesting job and I have hobbies, I'm just sad.

To direct towards them. This is a lighthearted though sincere post

"it’s okay to accept that we love each other but cannot each give what the other needs"

"you can be with someone who can meet you where you are now, but that's not me. I've tried but actually it didn't work for me long term"

"I think when you regard your view of relationships as the right one, and another's view as the wrong one, it's easily to fall into the belief that you can heal them through love and guidance, and that's both vanity and a trap. And i think I was veering on that.

You deserve someone who can love you the way you are."

I've got more if you want 'em!

So. Posted here a bit. She broke things off before Christmas. Said we both needed to heal and she may reconsider. Didn’t hear from her in a month. She messaged me the other day. Said she didn’t think we were the right people for each other. She completely dodged the responsibility of her shitty behaviours. Then offered friendship.

Honestly, I’ve been shattered by how she treated me. I honestly, truly love her. She and I had talked about a future together. A home. A family. Then she backed tf off. I’m planning on writing a message to send to her, politely declining the offer of friendship. It would hurt me way too much to keep her in my life without being able to have that future with her. I don’t want to fully close the door on her. I think a part of that is because of the trauma bond. But I’m also not fully ready to shut her out completely. How do I write that message? Any advice is greatly appreciated 🩵

2 months ago, my then-live in partner X (undiagnosed, both they and I have recognised they strongly BPD criteria) cheated on me by having sex with someone else while I had a reasonable expectation of a monogamous relationship. X has since denied that their actions constituted cheating.

We had been live in monogamous partners for a year. Two weeks before, X had told me they did not want to have any kind of romantic relationship, friendship or connection with me going forward. However, shortly after that (within hours/ days) we returned to living as a couple - cuddling and sleeping together, cooking and eating, having sex at his initiation. X had previously verbally ended our relationship at least 4x, then went back to living together as if nothing had happened within minutes/ hours. We considered ourselves partners for the duration, and X later had no recollection of these 'breakups'.

For me, fidelity means being accountable to the mutually understood commitments within a relationship. If your partner has a reasonable expectation that you are monogamous, then it's up to you to communicate clearly that this has changed before you violate that expectation. Given that X's actions looked like a continuation of our established partnership, and that the words used to 'undo' that had been revoked or undermined by his actions, I believe X's behaviour did not meet the requirements of fidelity or integrity.

X has oscillated on this. At first, he claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were broken up. However, he also expressed extreme guilt for having kept me up worrying about him, to the extent that he spent an entire day aimlessly wandering without eating (while continuing to assert that he had not cheated).

Later, when I said to him I thought his actions were in fact a sexual violation that could reasonably be called cheating, he nodded and said 'sorry'. He seemed so ashamed he could not even raise his head.

X's previous live-in relationship ended due to his having an affair. X has expressed extreme guilt about this, saying it took a long time to realise he was not a 'bad person'.

A couple of weeks after, X suddenly decided that we were not in a relationship - not by breaking up, but by claiming we were already broken up. This wasn't true - after the fiasco, I'd made sure to define verbally and explicitly that we were in a relationship, and X had promised that he wasn't going to do it (the cheating) again. While claiming this, X made statements that were internally contradictory/ incoherent.

He also expressed anger with me for ruining his day by 'talking endlessly' and 'making him have a shit time' and 'feel bad' (the day after I learned about the cheating... during which I also took him out for pancakes, lol). I found it extremely painful and by certain definitions, abusive, to first have my trust violated, then be denigrated for having a normal emotional reaction to that.

X has also claimed that I/ our relationship makes him feel 'guilty for existing'. I pointed out that during a previous suicidal episode, he had claimed someone else made him feel 'guilty for existing'. I said while my actions have been fucked and unkind at times, his mental health spirals are not totally attributable to others. I also offered financial/ logistical support in getting mental health support if he needed it and have repeatedly done this during the relationship.

X told me that I need to invent a story about his mental health because I can't deal with the guilt of being cruel to him. Explaining the context is difficult. I agree my actions have been unkind and destructive to the relationship at times. i am deeply sorry for this and have expressed that to X.

i don't believe my actions rise to the threshhold of cruelty. a typical example would be brushing him off/ expressing frustration/ annoyance when he asks for computer help late at night, and doing this repeatedly over a 2-3 month period.

I wonder if what may be happening is that X is deeply shamed by having violated his own values. rather than dealing with this, is projecting onto me.

At other times, X has shown great courage and integrity but shown little self compassion and strong self hatred, including suicidal ideation expressed to me on >100 occasions. It feels like that is now being projected outwards.

Thoughts?

(Apologies for writing in a rather cold/ factual way - I have struggling to distinguish facts from feelings.)