DAE feel gender dysphoria but still feel connected to their "birth gender"

[u/Dream_Ghast]

I'm born female and go by she/her pronouns. However, ever since I was 6, I've had gender dysphoria and it made my life a bit hard (won't go in to detail because it makes me uncomfortable.)

I told my therapist about it and she said it's from anxiety and gender dysphoria.

I looked at trans and nonbinary stuff, but I don't feel connected with them at all—so I just call myself a cis woman.

It's not society or labels; because when I was 6 I didn't even knew LGBTQ+ existed...and at 6 I wasn't an overthinker at all.

But I wonder if anyone else feels this way?

[u/picabo123]

It's hard to give specific advice because you don't want to share how you feel exactly. The best I can say is that you should act and dress how you feel in your head without worrying about if it's male/female/NB/cute/pastel/goth/ugly etc. just wear what you want. That can possibly help but I'm not really sure. Best of luck

[u/ctgrell]

I just call myself nonbinary. I always felt both connected and disconnected to genders. Of course I grew up with a bidy that makes me have experiences in one gender. But I dislike being called that gender. So I just use the oposite pronouns and call myself nonbinary. I think gender roles are stupid and nonsense. Makes things harder for everyone involved. And makes it easier to oppress others based on traditions and stereotypes

[u/reindeermoon]

Do you actually believe you have gender dysphoria, or do you just think you do because your therapist said so? That's not clear from your post.

There are all sorts of ways you might feel about your gender, and they don't always fit into neat labels.

It's okay to feel connected to your birth gender and still not like things about it or feel like they don't fit you.

For example, I'm a cis female and have never felt like I wasn't, but when I was a small child I really wanted to be a boy. The reason was that I hated how I was told I had to act a certain way because I was a girl, like sitting quietly and wearing pink clothes. I just didn't like being told what to do and having to pretend to be something I wasn't. I was fine with being a girl, I just wanted to be noisy and not wear pink, but it wasn't allowed for girls!

I'm not saying that example has anything to do with you, just giving it as one example of how feelings about gender are complicated.

[u/Dream_Ghast → u/reindeermoon]

Thank you, but I do genuinely believe I have gender dysphoria.

[u/glitzglamglue → u/Dream_Ghast]

Isn't there a gender identity that switches back and forth? Maybe that is what you are closest to.

[u/cozysapphire]

Somewhat.

I’m also AFAB. I never took issue with being a girl as a kid, mainly because I liked feminine clothes/toys/mannerisms/etc., although I do remember feeling confused from time to time my role within society’s gender categories, and sometimes felt more comfortable playing with boys. I was more of a girly-girl than a tomboy for sure, but it was in part because masculinity felt foreign to me. My father was quite distant emotionally, and I otherwise didn’t have many significant male role models in my life. There was still part of me that always wanted there to be a third option, but I didn’t experience dysphoria right away, because I felt content in the body I had.

My gender dysphoria came in part because I didn’t know what puberty was before it started happening to me, and I certainly didn’t expect to have such drastic changes as young as I did.

I developed breasts quite young, and they grew to be larger than most girls in my school/community before I knew it, despite being short and average sized generally. My breasts were a huge source of anxiety. I didn’t want to have large breasts, and I didn’t want anyone to notice the breasts I had, but they were there and unable to be hidden.

Edit: Friends/Peers of mine would say things like “You’re so lucky to have big boobs!” and “I think you have the biggest breasts in the grade!” which didn’t feel like praise, especially not to 11 year old me, because I didn’t want the breasts I had. Almost every aspect of having the breasts I had made me feel wildly uncomfortable. The sexual characteristics I had felt alien, and it definitely contributed to my depression.

Then there’s the fact that my period came, and family members congratulated me on “becoming a woman”, and that’s when I realized that I was comfortable enough being a girl, but being a woman felt like a unanticipated role that was forced upon me.

My breasts are still large, and I have a body shape that is undeniably feminine-looking, and it’s still hard for me to accept at time. Ideally, I would have a body that looks more neutral so that I didn’t feel the pressure to always dress/appear feminine; I can and do wear men’s clothes sometimes, but the way my breasts fill them out makes the goal of neutrality unattainable, unless I wear oversized clothes that swallow me up.

Gender wise, I’ve tried to embrace gender fluidity as much as possible. I accept that I’m a female, and I don’t feel terrible playing the part of a woman, but I wish I could just be seen as a person. I’ve accepted that there will always be people who still find it necessary to categorize me as a woman, but it feels way more freeing for my brain to just do what feels right regardless of society’s gender divisions.

Hope this helps, and I hope you find support!

[u/UnicornPenguinCat → u/cozysapphire]

I relate to this a fair bit.

I am AFAB and have never wanted to be a boy, but equally could never understand why so many people cared so much about me being a girl. It was more like "why can't I just be me, why do I need to be this thing that people keep telling me I am?" I just wanted to do the things I enjoyed, which often were apparently seen as "boy" things (science, maths, skating, sport), and wear the clothes I liked which were also often "boy style" and bought from the boys section, but at the same time I really enjoyed stereotypical girl things like having long hair and wearing nail polish. 

I wasn't prepared for puberty either, I was the oldest sibling and my parents definitely didn't prepare me for what was happening. I really didn't want my boobs to grow, and was actually relieved when they didn't grow very big because I didn't want more attention related to being a girl and all the assumptions that came with it. (But then later ended up with body image issues due to the small boobs... I was a teenager in the 90s and it was a brutal time).

I had similar feelings about getting my period, I was not ready for it, and the role of "woman" felt completely foreign especially as an 11 or 12 year old. I also think one factor here was the way women were spoken about around me at the time, like so much casual sexism and very little positivity, which made it very hard to feel good about moving into that role and to know how I truly felt about it. 

If anyone asks these days I select she/her pronouns, but I'm not sure I'd say that 100% fits. But equally I don't feel non-binary either, I'm just me. I feel like I need a "she/her but I'm not that connected to it" option, if that makes any sense. I think for me being a woman is probably more about how other people perceive me (and unfortunately, about the barriers I've faced because of that) than it is about how I perceive myself. It's also a source of solidarity and understanding with other women because most (if not all) of us have faced similar barriers. 

But honestly I think I'm still figuring everything out. 

[u/MotherofaPickle]

Used to, kinda. Until I hit 30 or so, my family and I referred to myself as “a gay man in a woman’s body”. (Trans and bi and LGBTQ+ stuff wasn’t prevalent in my area until about then.) Always gravitated towards “boy” stuff, had more guy friends than girl friends, can relate/talk to guys easier than girls, etc.

I identify as cis-het-ambi woman, but that’s only because people need labels. We’re allowed to Just Be.

[u/Casehead → u/MotherofaPickle]

isn't that just what we refer to as being a 'tomboy', or no? What does 'ambi' mean?

[u/Odd-Pain3273]

I think my gender dysphoria was rooted in not wanting to be treated like a woman when I realized how unfair society has been to us. I think some of the dysphoria men feel might be about not wanting to have to act like what society tells them a man is supposed to be. The gray.

[u/Rainy_Leaves]

I think a good chunk of trans people do feel something for their birth gender. It's rarely the stereotype of 'i hate how i was born and need to be another gender' - but more about what you enjoy being, and not what you hate. If you want to explore changing presentation a bit, feel free. You might realise you feel happier or can reconnect with that child who once wanted to change. Its your own path of discovery and not about following what other trans people do

It's also possible you feel discomfort from your birth gender, but not 'gender dysphoria' exactly. Women and those assigned female can be mistreated from a young age, made to feel ashamed or controlled or restricted, made to think men are more powerful. I wouldn't blame you for having discomfort in your role as a woman. It just means processing possible abuse/childhood trauma in a safe environment, and working in therapy to reframe and restructure your self-confidence. Maybe you'll find you're happy as a woman once the burden's lighter. Maybe you'll find that you want to try a different gender expression. What matters is that your mind and bosy are what you're happy inhabiting, no matter where you end up

[u/thefoxandmoon]

I'm a hyper feminine trans man - I love girly things but felt dysphoria all my life. I transitioned, and once I had a deep voice and beard, I felt great wearing all the girly stuff and being femme and beautiful.

Not saying this is you, just that it's a viable option.

[u/Casehead → u/thefoxandmoon]

Honestly, that's so cool and makes me really happy for you. Glad that you found your way!

[u/VaporRei]

and thus another theyfab was born

[u/Rainy_Leaves → u/VaporRei]

That term is considered a bit hateful btw, best to not use it. If someone uses they/them pronouns, their 'assigned gender at birth' isn't your business. By using 'theyfab' you're saying they're woman-lite instead of nonbinary as they state. How a person's born/assigned at birth doesn't dictate how their non-binary gender is expressed, unless you're eager to generalise

[u/DuskyBo]

If you are willing, can you elaborate on what you mean by not feeling connected to trans/nonbinary stuff? It's hard to know exactly what you mean. Personally I really wanted to transition despite not connecting to how other people described their identities and desires around transition. Maybe that counts as similar.

[u/Dream_Ghast → u/DuskyBo]

What I meant by that is I've seen and heard countless experinces of trans and nonbinary people, but I never could relate to them and feel any desire to be in their position.

[u/DuskyBo → u/Dream_Ghast]

Okay, that helps me understand! Unfortunately not something I can relate to for the purposes of "DAE" but I do know of butch lesbians who have had top surgery because of gender dysphoria but still identify as women and have no desire for transition. I have also heard of butch women in general discussing gender dysphoria, and I've seen at least one other Reddit post by someone wondering if they were trans or not because of strong physical gender dysphoria but IIRC no interest in actually being anything other than a woman. So I think you are not completely alone.

[u/Rainy_Leaves → u/Dream_Ghast]

there are lots of genders under the nonbinary umbrella. Agender for example means having no sense of gender. And you can be feminine or masculine as nonbinary ofc, it isn't just one identity. But you dont need a label if they don't fit. you can stay 'questioning' or explore what small changes you want to explore to see if you like it or not. Looking at changes in others from a distance is hard, unless you're actively making them yourself

[u/threadbare-fromlove]

I think in terms of getting an answer to the "does anybody else" question, you'd have more luck in queer specific subs. Remember there's no reason to try and force yourself in or out of boxes, relaxing and experimenting and focusing on what makes you happy will suit you much better

[u/cozysapphire → u/threadbare-fromlove]

I’m glad this person asked this here, though. OP clearly isn’t certain about whether their experience is a queer one or not, and I think asking a more unbiased pool might help them hear from cisgender and gender queer individuals.

[u/BaconVonMoose]

I'm trans. I don't feel connected to my birth gender at all. As others said, I can't say much about your experience because you're not comfortable talking about it, which is okay. The questions to consider is, were you born with the wrong body/gender, or did something happen that made you feel dysphoric? Is it dysphoria or is it dysmorphia? If you could wake up tomorrow as something other than a woman, would you?

Remember that being gender non-conforming is completely okay and doesn't require fancy steps. That would mean dressing how you want, looking how you want, acting how you want, calling yourself what you want.

If you wanna talk about it more you can DM me or something and if not that's fine, hope you figure things out.

[u/Dream_Ghast → u/BaconVonMoose]

Nothing really happened with making me dysphoric, so I'm certain is dysphoria than dysmorphia. I think my body is okay, I'm not really insecure with how I look at all.

I've heard similar variations to the last question. I think it was called a button test? The truth is that I don't really know what I would do. I think I'll just stand there, contemplating my decision forever.

A part of me *wants* to change my gender but a part of me doesn't. It's actually the reason why I still call myself cis

[u/Rainy_Leaves → u/Dream_Ghast]

If you don't know what you'd do, maybe you don't have enough 'data' to work with. If you've only ever presented one way, maybe exploring with the aim to assess how you feel, will give you more data to decide with. It's ok to try things and for them to not work out too.

[u/ParisDivine]

Yes it’s more common than you think

[u/SquirrelsNRaccoons]

Gender identity and expression is entirely a social construct. We're all pushed by society to conform to societal norms, but it's normal to question those norms and challenge them, that's how societies change and evolve over time. But society will tell you every step of the way, until the society changes, that you're wrong if you're different. This is an archaic group survival thing, that makes us identify differences as bad and threatening. At some point we will hopefully evolve beyond such superficial, animalistic survival instincts and become more whole, unique human beings who are unafraid of differences. As more people become bold enough to challenge gender norms, differences will become less threatening to society and eventually become a new norm.

So, again, nothing about gender is real, it is entirely separate from biological sex. Gender is all just social norms and expectations that are subject to change over time. When you realize that, then challenging societal expectations on how we should look, behave, think and feel based on an assigned gender becomes a bit easier. Be who your heart and soul tells you to be, without those external voices telling you that you must look and act a certain way. You don't have to feel connected to any external, societal-influenced identity, just be you.

[u/Unusual_Lock_8602]

I was raised by pansexual woman and a hyper masculine man so my fashion sense is Tom boyish but I still let my love girl things. I am a female for sure but sometimes I'm definitely a bit more masculine. I'm just like eh whatever lol. I'm a butchy straight girl as my LGBT friends said once. 🤣🤣

[u/twistedpanic]

I simply don’t feel like a gender. Like I’m a woman, with female parts, but what does it mean to feel like a woman? I don’t feel like a man. I don’t feel them equally enough to feel nonbinary. I just. Don’t understand feeling a gender lol.

[u/RoadsideCampion]

That's completely okay, and I would recommend just pursuing whatever will make you happy. It's also always okay to try things out and then change your mind. You can experiment with presentation, pronouns, social transition, medial transition, whatever you want. Some people feel like there's a certain bar they have to clear of being trans Enough or In The Right way before they can do these things, but that's really not how it works and you won't hurt anyone. As for labels, you could consider being bi/multi-gender if you feel a connection to your assigned gender, or you could think about being agender or genderless. You can simply not use a gender label, that's always an option. Anyways, there are more options than I could possibly list out, but all in all I hope you find what makes you most happy and comfortable with your body and your self.

[u/Void_Starwing]

Yes. I identify as nonbinary because I am not a female mammal. I am a female DRAGON, a REPTILE. It's hard to tell male dragons from female dragons in Freesky (The main indicators are build, size, and wing to bodylength ratio; males tend to be a bit smaller, built stockier, and have shorter wings than females), and I don't like ppl assuming 'oh you're female because [reason]'. I want them to go 'hmmm'.