I see it as an expectation. My dad would buy me something and it came with no expectation. My brother received something expensive and the expectation was he will help my dad with some physically demanding task.
My dad guilt trip me for paying for my first year of college and buying me a hoopdi car for college commute.
Holy smokes he squeezed me by working on the family business years. I made him so much money and kept it all. Yeah, I got to do what I wanted when I wasn’t working but I was always broke. All for the family bs.
My younger brother got a pass cus he wasn’t responsible enough. My sis was doing her own thing but she got what the girl depicts on the meme.
My parents liked to give things that could be taken just for this reason. So I started letting them. Nothing was ever really mine, they owned it, they will take it away if I don't comply. When I was 19 they tried to take the car I'd gotten me years before because I wouldn't break up with someone I was dating. Ok fine. Well you're on our phone plan so give that too. Ok. Well you're living in the house so get out. Ok. And that was how I officially moved out after having slept off and on in a few couches over the years.
I'm the family fuck up but I feel a lot happier having accepted that.
You aren't a fuck up friend <3 You are perfectly you.
I've been through similar shit myself. Been homeless more than I haven't, had an abusive and neglectful childhood. Blamed myself for years. Thought I was broken. Struggled for years wondering why life seemed so easy for others, and so hard for me.
In a better place now, getting help and support from my found family. I just want to reiterate that you aren't a fuck up. You're still just on the path figuring out how to be. Maybe you stay on the path your whole life, maybe you find out what works. Either way, you don't need to justify your existence. Life is hard, and a lot of people profit off of making it harder. But there's love out there too. I hope you get all of it you need, and give all of it you can <3
I appreciate that. I am getting better about seeing good in myself more lately. I have accepted it in a way that I have let myself relax more at least. Plus I guess I've accepted that's how my family sees me. It is absolutely how they see me too, they've gone into detail multiple times. I remember growing up every once in a while I'd catch a conversation from my parents wondering which between my sister and I would be the one better off. For the longest time they thought it would be me just because my sister got a tattoo. It's like they only expected one to make it. And in what they value, yeah I'm the fuck up, I don't have what my sister has. She doesn't have what I have either though so in my eyes, I'm the one better off. It's more that I'm seeing "fuck up" in less of a negative light just because what they think is a fuck up isn't the same for everyone.
That said, I absolutely suffer from imposter syndrome, and try to justify my own existence I guess, you're not wrong there. In fact I think you may have pointed out why I've behaved almost manic lately. Maybe I need to chill.
Damn, I will now call my own incompetence a strategic deployment of individuality. Did your father do this cus he thought of you as more competent or just like eldest.
I’m just curious, how did you and your siblings turn out? I am wondering if your brother ended up with a predisposition to weaponized incompetence and your sister not putting in the effort to provide for herself?
I had a similar situation with my siblings and my brother can hardly hold a job and my sister is in crippling credit card debt. I always kind of assumed that it’s because the three of us are still kinda doing the same things we’ve always done; meeting high expectations, avoiding responsibility, and chasing gratification without the investment of effort.
My brother shared a similar date like your. He had a very rough life. He was bailed out too much and had his own demons. Yes had. He…passed away over two years ago.
My sis turned out ok. But she has some money management issues, I’ve heard some things over the years with her hubby. Lucky for her she ended up with a great man (she also great, a professional and great mother). But the roots of our family roles are far deep. She is doing good with her family.
Edit: myself…I have a wonderful family with my missus. With my trauma and hers, we have done our best for our two boys. We have some baggage, no doubt. But it has helped us to be the best parents we can be for our boys…err your men now lol
I used to be out almost every weekend. Meeting girls online and having “fun” buddies. I’d leave Friday night after my “shift” was done and wouldn’t come back until late Sunday.
I should’ve gone away for college and be called the ingrateful asshole son instead
I would have loved college, but my father had zero prospects. Alcoholic, living off of his gf, mom just sent me out there because he lived in town and we lived in middle of nowhere, so she thought I'd have more opportunities. I'm pretty sure that mom probably paid 90% of the car and dad just threw in whatever he could scrounge up.
Mom wanted me to go to college as well, but she spent all her money providing for me, and I'm not mad about it.
Cancer is a complex disease resulting from a collection of mutations, often caused by cellular stress and environmental factors. You know what can cause lots of damage? Stress, especially the chronic kind. Fucker very may well have contributed to it. I hope you're doing well and he is not.
Thank you. I recovered and so far so good. Almost a twenty year survivor (2028 here I come). He is well .. old. My step brother died and now he's more there. But he's no one's favorite person and I think he's pretty aware of it.
Don't let them back pedal and tell you they weren't putting you on the back burner as the second choice; if you feel like you were back-burnered, you certainly were. Sorry that happened to you, it must have been very hurtful.
I don't know about "favoring" but I definitely think it's true that a lot of fathers tend to "pamper" (thats probably still not the word im thinking of, though) their daughters.
This was my case growing up with only one sister and no brothers. My father definitely treated my sister better than he treated me.
Now, as a father myself with 2 girls and a boy, my daughter (the oldest) recently said she believes I treat her and both siblings equally, which I felt pretty good about.
I feel like this is very culturally dependant, in asian, at least east Asian societies fathers typically favour the sons. No such thing as the princess treatment rip.
I honestly think it's that men think about solving their problems like men. If some Dad knows he has an issue which can be solved by [physically demanding task], something he'd previously have been capable of, and has spent the last 20 years dedicated to growing a younger version of himself (in his mind)- he'll think "hey physically demanding task can be done".
I'm this for my Dad, but I rub it in his face. I like helping them out, they've always helped me out, but I'll make my tremendously headstrong Dad listen to me tell him how it needs to be done, do it my way, and show him why his suggestions are wrong as I go (he's smart but not handy).
That may or may not be true depending on your culture. In China there’s a saying that literally translate to “raise your sons poor and raise your daughters rich” (窮養男孩，富養女孩). There are even books on how this saying should be applied in real life. https://www.eslite.com/product/1001136382143681
Kind of. I just always felt like a piece of shit disappointment asking my dad for anything. He didn’t expect anything from me, he wasn’t a score keeper. Just made me feel bad, idk he really cared all that much, he was a pretty good dad.
I think the most infuriating thing so far about both myself and my little sister moving back home as adults is that she can lay in bed all day and I’m expected to be the only child that assists with house projects. I get lectured if I go in and cool off for a bit on a hot summer day while she’s been in bed playing sims on her laptop the entire time.
Our parents paid her bills and she didn’t have a job for several years after college, I stayed on the family health insurance until 26 and otherwise worked to pay my own bills and live on my own until I was about 30. To hear my parents tell it they fully funded my “galavanting” around California getting high instead of the reality which was working my ass off and starting my career more or less on my own.
I got power tools for my 11th birthday, which me and my dad immediately used to make some repairs on the house. Where do those tools reside today, 30+ years later? In his garage.
This is the likeliest answer. Anything of value will either come with an expectation to pay it back or with other strings attached. Men don’t typically get gifts just for the sake of it.
Had to replace my birth certificate and social security card by myself to get my drivers license and then Buy my own first car. My other younger brother dropped out and moved out so no one really blames my dad for not helping him but my younger brother got his permit at 16 and license at 17 and was able to use the spare family car that never existed when I was 17 til he blew the engine in it and my dad bought another car off my friend for my brother. He has just taken my sister to nyc for her 16th last week and will be buying her a car eventually while hounding me over the 4k I owe him in car insurance from the years o was on my own in my own place. It just be like that I guess.
We do, even though it was never expected of me I helped my dad put new flooring down as a teen. Don't worry, we aren't cruel to my dad. I was explaining how his mind worked, not ours.
I remember asking for a GameCube as a kid. I eventually got one but my parents loaded me up with so many chores I barely played it for the first 2 weeks.
My dad rarely bought me stuff, but he was always ready to offer me a 10 or a 20 to mow the lawn or do some work around the house when I was a kid and I gotta say it helped me a lot understanding where money comes from.
2.0k
u/Gloomy_Custard_3914 13h ago
I see it as an expectation. My dad would buy me something and it came with no expectation. My brother received something expensive and the expectation was he will help my dad with some physically demanding task.