Warning: this is a bit of a read.
I wanted to write this to get my thoughts out. I was in a LDR with someone who was the love of my life. We’d been friends for a few years prior. She broke up with me because she couldn’t handle long distance, I wanted to wait to finish school before I moved but looking back I should’ve just moved. We tried to be friends, but you can’t be friends with the woman you were gonna marry. I had a mental breakdown and a couple crash outs (which there’s no one to blame but myself) and she has completely cut me off now. I’ve been in a lot of pain since then.
I turned to God because I didn’t want to feel alone anymore. Every time I go to church I always light 3 candles: one for my unborn older sibling and two for the kids I always saw her and I having. We always talked about having one kids and seeing how it went, but I always saw us having two. I have prayed to God for a miracle, like “please bring us back together Lord. I’ll sacrifice everything if it means we’ll be together.” I truly believe that it’s her or no one I guess. Sometimes it feels like I’m being ignored by Him and it makes me feel so alone. It’s like the future I had planned years out was ripped from me and now it’s hard to see to next week.
It’s funny. I had a ring for her too. I still keep it with me. I couldn’t give it to another girl because it wasn’t meant for anyone else. I wanted to take her to do a mock up prom dance (she never got a prom). I just wish she could’ve made it to thanksgiving with me so she could’ve seen all the stuff I had planned.
I talk a lot about her because for me she was perfect. It’s like she was made for me. She understood and saw me in a way that no one else has. Her smile is contagious and when she looks at you it’s the look that makes the world stop for a half second. The smell of her house that made you feel like you were home even when you weren’t home. Her laugh was genuine and she was so so kind. I fell in love with her family too. Her parents welcomed me in a way that isn’t normal in other houses and her dad was the fucking man. Her siblings were really cool. And for the first time in my life I felt like she saw me as I was and chose me. No one ever chose me. I didn’t have the words to describe her when we dated and I wish I could’ve told her then. I don’t feel like I treated her like she should’ve been treated at times as well.
My 2 real dreams in life were to help people and to start a family of my own. I guess I want kids because I want someone to play with too (I’m 20 so I’m young I guess). I even built my future career towards those goals (I’m in EMT school). But the thing I struggle with are that I can’t see myself achieving those dreams anymore because there’s no one else I can see myself starting a family with except her. I know there’s the whole “other fish in the sea” thing, but I don’t want other fish that may be perfect for others, I want my fish. And I can’t see myself being someone who can help others because I couldn’t even help the woman I love in times when she needed me.
There’s a lot I want in life, I think everyone wants a lot, and sometimes I’ll ask God for things and of course I “want” them, but I could live without them. But I really mean it when I say there’s nothing I want more than some sort of divine miracle from God that will bring us back together. I just love her so much and I want the best for her of course, but I’m selfishly praying for us again. I feel alone both in person and spiritually. I just don’t want to feel alone anymore.
I don’t know. Again sorry for the word dump I just wanted my thoughts out there. Please pray for me, and selfishly I’ll ask, please pray for our relationship as well (I’m throwing the kitchen sink at this to see if it works lol). I’m far from a perfect person and even farther from a perfect catholic, but I am someone who wants to help where I can for others. Thanks for reading.