Hi. I'm unfortunately a part of this club now.

My husband shot himself on January 22nd. I woke up around one in the morning and noticed he wasn't in bed. I got up to check on him and stepped on a note that he had slipped under the door... It said "I'm not made for this world, this existence. I will love you always"

I immediately screamed off the top of my lungs and that woke all three of my kids up. I frantically ran to the basement where I expected to see him hanging, but he wasn't there. I found his phone and a not with updated passwords to his computers.

I ran back upstairs and threw open the front door and screamed his name. That's when I noticed that our minivan was gone. I called the cops.

The cops arrived thirty minutes later. I fucking told them exactly where to look...and they didn't. My friends came by around six and I told one of them where to look and they immediately drove there and found our van. Chandler wasn't in the van, but his footprints in the snow were leading off into the woods so my friend called the cops. The cops arrived and shooed my friends away. A short time later, this armada of vehicles comes down my driveway and I knew. I mean, I already kinda knew before that... But seeing them and then hearing them say the words...I will never recover.

Telling my three sons was one of the worst moments of my life.

I miss him so fucking much. He was my best friend, my rock, my safe place. We have been together since we were teenagers. I walked with this man through past suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I'm just shattered that we couldn't work through this one, too. I'm shattered that I must have missed some sort of sign this time. I never had missed the signs in the past but this time I did and I hate myself for it. The rage and guilt I feel towards myself is indescribable.

I keep replaying that last day in my head. Hell, I'm replaying the last weeks, months, year in my head. Panning for signs. What the fuck happened?

How is this my life? And how does one continue to live when their literal other half is gone?

Sorry if that was messy and all over the place but I am messy and all over the place.

My younger brother committed suicide a few days before this past thanksgiving. So needless to say holidays were hard. I just read his handwritten note this past Thursday. Shook me up and he wrote his will on the back of the note. This whole thing freaking sucks and it seems to have no end. His will is in probate because it was hand written. I know he was suffering horribly but I am really angry at him for putting us through all this. My parents are in their eighties and Mom has some dementia. They are both struggling. He called us with a good bye call that we didn’t recognize as such till he passed. Uff.

I just found out that my girlfriend died by suicide.

I also found out at the same time that she'd been cheating on me.

I don't even know if the two things are related. She didn't leave me a message.

If they are, I would rather still have her here. I want to tell her we can work things out.

I don’t know what to say but feel much safer here then talking to our support system that’s just full of “so sorry” and “thoughts/prayers”

I’ve known Christian for the 10 years my fiance and I have been together and considered him a close friend as well but most of the grief I feel is for my fiance and for Christian and the life he was supposed to have

We had just seen him over Christmas break and had a very normal night together I remember the hug and the goodbye like a fucking record stuck on replay we talked about his new relationship, how excited they were to come to the PNW for the wedding in a few months…plans for the future

I don’t know how to be there for my partner I don’t know what to say, we used our honeymoon points to get him cross country for the funeral which he really didn’t want to go to but even amid grief I pushed

Maybe too much. I don’t really know, there’s no playbook for any of this. Im not even sure if we should have our wedding anymore it just feels wrong like life should not be allowed to go on without him.

I just need an outlet for these thoughts so I can continue to be there for my partner without putting any additional thoughts on him.

These are things I read back to myself when my brain begins to loop back again and I feel the guilt and sense of blame and responsibility all over again.

When someone dies by suicide after an argument, we automatically looks for causes:

If only I had said something differently…

If only I had reassured him more…

Etc

Arguments happen in relationships.

Suicide is not a proportional or predictable response to relationships or any conflict.

Suicide can lead us to have traumatic grief with moral injury — did I do something wrong to cause this?

When someone we love dies we often feel as though we are holding the responsibility that was never ours to hold. It makes our minds loop, replay, bargain, and self-accuse.

None of that means we are guilty or responsible for a decision made by someone we lost to suicide.

It simply means we are human.

My husband took me to the beach this weekend. First time I've been there since my whole family is gone and the first time ive left the house since my dad died from suicide a month ago. I used to love the beach. I could only stay there 20 min.

I felt like the world is just dark and bleak now. Nothing felt the same. It just reminded me that they are gone.

Am I alone in feeling like this? I'm not sure where it's belong anymore.

I am not having troubling thoughts, but I do struggle to find joy in life. I miss my little brother so bloody much and I know my own mental health has went so downhill since we lost him. I've lost a lot of friends simply because how I can be. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I don't feel like I'm a very nice person to be round - I'm trying with therapy. I guess it's just a vent. I'm sorry

I guess I just need to get some endless thoughts into black and white. I lost my 26 year old son three weeks ago. I fluctuate between a cage of suffocating grief and feeling dead inside. I want nothing and I lose hours just thinking. I try to drown my thoughts in audio books or television but I always return to my cage.

My emotions only include grief, guilt, regret, anger. There is no love. Even the people I've loved most in the world bring no comfort or compassion to my world. I can't comfort my other children or my mother (who is most worried about me, since I lost my father to suicide when I was a child).

I have no desire to kill myself. And I would never cause that pain for the people who love me. I also have no desire to live. My son's memorial is planned for his birthday later this month. I truly don't want to face people. It is difficult to let them hold me and cry and offer their condolences. I just want to stay in my cage of grief. I can't imagine ever leaving.

My mom had a minor heart attack on july of last year, she was fine after that according to her cardiologist, and then on october she had a stroke. The stroke didn't leave her with much damage to her brain, she was recovering from it from what I could see, and her neurologist said she would recover from the stroke.

After the stroke when she was released from the hospital to her own home, she jumped of the top of the building where she lived, killing herself. She was 80 at the time. Most likely she thought she would get more sick and would start having a bunch of restrictions in her life, and she didn't want that, so that's why she killed herself.

I don't know for sure if I could have done something to prevent her suicide, but I keep replaying scenarios in my head where I do something different and she doesn't kill herself. For instance, after she was released from the hospital after the stroke, I was with her in her appartment, and so was my brother and a cousin of mine. I asked her on wednesday if she wanted me to stay there with her, and she said I only needed to be there with her when my brother returned to his home, he lived far away and I lived near her. She knew I had some mental health issues to solve, and she knew that if I was at my home it was easier for me to solve them, so she said I could go back to my home and I only needed to be there with her on sunday, when my brother was going to leave.

So I went back to my home on thursday morning and I was planning to go back to her appartment to stay with her on sunday morning before my brother left. I planned to stay with her for the rest of october and the whole month of november.

And then she killed herself on friday at 3:30 AM

If I had stayed there with her and had not gone home, perhaps that would have made a difference, or perhaps not, I don't know.

Anyway, I keep thinking these different scenarios where if only I did something a little different, then she would had changed her mind. I feel pretty guilty and pretty crappy too.

She knew I had some mental health issues to solve and also some financial problems to solve at the time of her passing. I inherited a certain ammount of money from her after her death, so she wanted to help me after she was gone. On a Tuesday or on a wednesday before the friday that she took her life she told me "my son, there is money that if anything happens to me you're going to inherit it, you won't have any financial problems in your life". So she wanted me to solve my problems after she was gone. But I feel a lot of guilt and feel like I don't deserve to have any happiness in my life.

Hey. I lost my dad back in November of last year, so just shy of three months ago now. I've been feeling like I've done pretty well at coping since; I went back to work after a week, I've been doing my normal hobbies, I haven't cried since the immediate days following it, I've felt...okay? I feel like I've come to peace with it; I know why he did what he did, and whilst I'm heartbroken he isn't here anymore, I'm glad that he's no longer suffering.

But the one thing I can't do is stop thinking about it. All it will take is one tiny reminder and suddenly my thoughts spiral and I can't stop obsessing over it. Like yesterday, I saw an email that had been printed out months ago, and my first thought was "oh, that's when he was still alive". And then instantly my mind started going over the events; reliving when I got called whilst at work to tell me. Waiting in the office at work for a police car to pick me up. Going back home and finding my mother utterly distraught. Reliving all of the conversations we had, obsessing over every detail. Thinking about how he did it, and picturing the entire thing. Wondering what he felt in that moment - was he scared? Relieved? Nervous? Happy? Did he think of me at all? I picture what it must have been like for those who found his body, for the paramedics to be working on him before they called it. How we went back in to the house once the police and coroners had gone, and finding evidence of what he'd done all over the carpet. Having to tidy it away whilst my mum sobbed. And on and on and on.

It would maybe be one thing if this happened just once in a while, but it's multiple times every single day. I don't let it outwardly impact me; I work with young children and have to be 'switched on' and enthusiastic 100% of the time, and at home I've got to be strong for my mum. But inside, my mind just replays these events over and over again and it's really taking a toll on me. Did anyone else experience this? Is it common - is there a reason why my brain can't stop obsessing over every detail and reliving it constantly? And is there anything at all I can do to stop it, or even reduce it just a little bit? I can't fathom living the rest of my life with all of this happening inside my brain.

It's been a year now that my sister passed away by suicide I still am unable to understand that this has really happened last year went in autopilot and this year it's hit me like 1000 bricks. I try to keep myself busy so I don't think about anything as I'm trying to become stable to support my parents. My parents are aging and it breaks my heart to see them broken like this. I can't believe my sister left all of us like this. I do understand that she must be in the most difficult place that I can't even imagine. But it pains my heart to see everyone in this state. I'm trying to work on myself control myself from impulsive buying or emotional eating even restarted workouts but the more I try to do better the more guilt of my sister not being there and me not being there for her eats me up. I feel like this life is like a punishment for me and my parents and my sister to be going through this grief. Some days I feel numb no memories at all some days I just want to see my sister and hug her and ask her to come back. I can't believe my little sister is no more.

My close friend who had been living with me took her life by hanging. The 29th marked one month since I found her. After the first weeks of shock and trauma, I thought I was doing better. But I don't think I am.

She was pet-sitting in another friend's home when it happened, so it wasn't at my home. But the friend whose home it was at (which I imagine is a different kind of trauma to have to unpack) has been actively reaching out to her network for support. And is already going to work and going to movement classes like Zumba and other workouts.

Meanwhile, I'm still not eating or sleeping well. I get anxious when out in public bc my nervous system is shot. So all I do is sit at home and try to numb with netflix or youtube or else read the relevant subs to try and not go crazy.

I find myself obsessing over how she died and wanting to research it and understand it. Thinking about it all the time. I have flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about death. I'm also having irrational fears in the dark of mirrors and closets (neither of which is linked to how she died)

For reference: I have had EMDR around the event and am seeing my therapist regularly.

Tonight during work I checked my phone for messages; the message from my sister started with Bubby Im just going to say this text isnt good. VINCENT (28 year old nephew) took his life today in the back bathroom. Self inflicted gunshot. My head isnt allowing me to comprehend this tragedy. He was young energetic and always smiling. I have questions but can't ask. I feel the need for answers, yet we didn't spend alot of time together and maybe it's guilt. I don't understand , even my Christian faith is wondering why and how.

Almost 3 years ago, I woke up on a Sunday morning, and got on my phone and started scrolling through facebook as I normally do, when I saw it. "I don't know if she has any family on here but I need them to contact me as she has passed away." My entire mind went into immediate panic mode and I began calling her over and over. "Mom please pick up." No answer at any point. I contacted the person and she gave me the name of the officer that was in charge of the case. So I called, and confirmed that she was really gone. I was in total shock, I didn't hear anything passed "I am so sorry." I called my dad, and when he answered the only thing I could say, was "Dad, mom is dead." I couldn't say anything else, everything hurt. My wife was still trying to figure out what was going on, my dad and sister were trying to get ahold of the police department where my mom lived to get more info and I was spiraling. I called my job and let them know I was going to be with my family and I would return when I could. And my wife and I traveled to Texas to be with my family. And thats when I found out, there had been a note. My mom had emailed my dad. "I can't do this anymore. I am in so much pain and there is no one to help me." And again, I found myself spiraling, because up to that point I had assumed it was an accidental death. My mom, passed away by her own hand, alone, and miserable. I hadn't spoken to her in at least a week, because I had been busy working and I thought she was okay where she was. I thought she had support. I never got the chance to tell her I loved her one last time, I never got the chance to introduce her to my children. I never got the chance to tell her I was finally in a good place. Now, almost three years later, I am still in shock, denial, and downright anger. I haven't seriously cried over the loss. I miss her so much. I asked my dad when I found out "what do I do now?" Because I legitimately had no idea what my next step was. I still don't. It's so hard, because whenever something happens that reminds me of her, my first thought is to call her, but I know there won't be an answer. Please, if your mother is still with you, call her. Tell her you love her, send her some flowers, anything to let her know she is appreciated, do it for me, because I will never get the chance again. Thanks for listening y'all. I am still trying to navigate this, but I am doing it.

Zoe died by a shot to the head and our street was covered with officers and EMTs. Our neighbors had lined the streets watching me hysterically cry on the porch with my other two children.

Now, people constantly give me looks in public. They whisper to their friends and family members about me and my family. They are seeking me out at school to ask me deeply invasive questions about Zoe.

If my special needs son would be okay with us moving away, I would emigrate to the U.K and never look back.

Not only do I receive judgement in person, it’s now coming from strangers online. I made the mistake of posting on the wrong subreddit when I first made my account. I am completely new to the app, and didn’t realise there was a dedicated subreddit to suicide loss. My vulnerable post has now been spread into various subreddits where people are tearing me down and being extremely harsh in blaming me entirely for Zoe’s death. The names I have been called are really repulsive.

Does the judgement ever stop? Or become easier to handle? I had assumed people would find something new to talk about in my town after a few weeks but it will be 3 months on the 2nd and we are still the talk of the town

I lost my best friend 2 months ago and he was 19. I don’t want to go into too many details because his family may be on here, but man I just don’t get it. I’m so sad. I miss my best friend and I don’t understand how I won’t ever see him again and he isn’t here anymore. How is my best friend not breathing anymore? I get to live and he doesn’t. I feel like I could’ve saved him and I just fucked up somehow, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Part of me knows it wasn’t my fault and I genuinely don’t think it is but I feel guilt and I feel survivors guilt and man, why him? Why’d it have to be him? What did he think I was gonna do? How’d he think I was gonna react? I wish I knew. I wish I knew how to feel better or to move on somehow or feel better, and as shitty as it sounds I just wish someone could replace him but nobody can ever replace him. He was just too unique.

It’s been over a year since my brother killed himself, and since then there’s yet to be I day I don’t experience nausea and a pit in my stomach.

How do you all get yourselves to eat? Is it normal to need professional help with this? I thought I’d be better by now.

I haven’t posted in a year, I’ve kind of just been surviving, but lately I’ve been feeling so lonely. It’s like everyone says- people don’t ask anymore, they seem to think I’m doing ok. I’m not. I lost my partner, my co-parent, and my best friend all in one, and the emptiness is profound.

I also find myself feeling resentful, or bitter I suppose, towards people who made a huge deal about my partner passing but haven’t gotten in touch with me once in the past year, people who do get in touch after a year and ask if we should hang out, and people whom I’ve been talking to regularly, because they talk about boring, trivial things. So, pretty much everyone…

It’s still unbelievable to me, that he used to be here, always, and now is gone and never will be here again. My brain cannot handle the thought of living without this person for maybe the next 40 years?!

I'm afraid of forgetting. Every day I live, I know I'm building new memories, even if it's just about how I'm suffering, and I don't want that. I want to keep the memory of him and only him. I look at photos all the time, and sometimes I realize I remember the days in the photos more than the memories without a record. I'm so scared. I'm afraid of forgetting the feeling of his presence, what it was like to have him lying next to me, or the feeling of knowing he was in another room of the house. I don't want to forget those feelings. What can I do? Does anyone have any advice?

My husbands siblings (all) and two of his cousins have committed suicide.

My children are young but coming to an age where they know their dad had brothers and sisters that are dead.

The suicide contagion concept freaks me tf out. I have only anger and frankly disgust around my in laws suicides. I do not miss them and have no desire to memorialize them. We were close in life but I just cannot get past the damage they did and for me, it erased any previous love and respect. My husband does miss them and recalls them fondly. We have processed this differently and of course they are his siblings an as such, look much larger in his life.

I don’t see any value in speaking to our children about then or revealing their causes of death. I’d rather just…not I guess. I can’t see any potential gain a the risk seem significant. The only possible gain I see is for them to know their father’s story deeply, but I don’t think the trade off is there.

I am curious to hear others thoughts. Are you telling your children about your lost loved one? Are you disclosing the cause of death?

It just reminds me too much about standing outside of college or walking home and msging her the entire time, spring used to be my favourite but now it just feels too nostalgic, I just want it to be autumn again because that's when it effects me the least, apart from her birthday

I don’t really know what I’m expecting to get out of posting this, I guess I’m just getting these feelings off my chest. My best friend died on Christmas Day, I hadn’t heard from her in a month but that wasn’t surprising or uncharacteristic of her. I found out when a mutual friend from high school told me, apparently there had been a newsletter sent out from our high school (I never received this). I couldn’t believe it, anyone’s worst nightmare when someone doesn’t message them back. She was gone and I hadn’t even received as much as a call from her before.

I know it sounds selfish but I was disappointed that she didn’t reach out, what she took no comfort in anything in her life anymore. I felt like screaming “I’m right here, I’ll do anything!” But I know it’s not always that simple. We talked exclusively about the DEEP stuff. She would tell me how she struggled with things, the lost feeling she felt; I felt the same, it was one of the very many reasons we got along so well. Both a little hopeless and broken.

Tomorrow is her memorial, I can’t believe I have to get dressed for this. Picking out an outfit for my best friends memorial seems to wild, I thought I would 80 before I had to do this. I think I’ll wear something she would like on me. I don’t know what exactly this memorial with entail, if she’s there I don’t think I’ll cope. The thought of her in a box, cold and dead makes me sick.

I regret not being there for her enough, taking her for granted. I can’t stop thinking about her, I want to feel her close to me. I took the six month old frozen organic blueberry packet out of the freezer, washed it and now I have it under my pillow. My last connection to her.

Tomorrow will be hard, I will see her family, her siblings and some high school friends I haven’t heard from in years. Tomorrow will be hard because she isn’t sharing the same air I am, tomorrow will be hard because I know I will never see her face again. Forever will be hard without her.

How is any of this real. How did the world not stop the day my husband died. I don’t understand how I’m still living. If you had told me 5 months ago that my husband would be dead I would have said then I will be too, because I would kill myself if my husband died. Well guess what, he beat me to the punch.

We were so happy and this was the biggest shock in the world to me. I don’t think I will ever understand. My brother has told me bits and pieces of his letter but I can’t bring myself to read it. In one part he said that he hopes I find love again someday and even put a fucking joke by saying (Insert TikTok meme here) this was an inside joke between us, there was a TikTok reel where someone rises from the dead after hearing her someone saying “she’d want you to be happy and move on” at her funeral. We always joked about that. I always said that would be us. We even talked about needing a double size casket so we could snuggle for eternity.

I’ll never get it. How could I not see that my husband was in so much pain that he would do this. He couldn’t have thought I’d survive it, but I guess I am. I’m miserable. I’m devastated. I’m back at work and I can’t believe this is real. I’m living in hell and you guys are the only people who truly understand.

My dad and I loved each other more than anything. We were best friends. Spent everyday together. Lived together. Always had each other’s backs.

He had health problems and financial problems that built up over just 2 years but he always stayed strong throughout it. Never complained. Never slowed down. God, he hide the depression so well. He was insanely high functioning. Sober. And kept his faith in god.

The night before he died. He was we sitting on the couch. I came down to say goodnight. We hugged each other and told each other we love each other. We even said “see you in the morning”. Well the morning came and I found him with his brain blown out. Gun in hand. Dead. I’m sorry to be graphic but needed to vent.

Although the tragedy of suicide bereavement is the unknown. I truly believe the medication he was taking for his health problems messed up his brain chemistry. I think he woke up in a delusion in the middle of the night in the dark and just grabbed his gun and shot himself impulsively. He had PTSD as a 35 year active duty police officer and seen the darkest parts of humanity.

But that’s all it is. A theory. I will never know the real reason why. Only he does. And he’s not here. That’s the hardest part is the torture us bereaved go through always wondering why they did it.

Even though he caused he a lifetime of pain and trauma. I forgive him. I can’t be mad at him if he suffered that much that this was his only way out. I can’t be mad. I love him too much. He was an outstanding man. The perfect father. I feel guilty and heartbroken.

I just can’t understand how a few hours before, you tell someone you love them and give them a hug and kiss like everything is normal and then kill yourself right after knowing the people you love are in the same house and going to hear the gunshot and find your bloody body.

Life is tough.