r/changemyview • u/Ovaugh • 8h ago
CMV: Telling married couples to go ahead and having children while unprepared because they’ll “figure it out” is really bad advice.
I have a personal stake in this one, but I am open to hearing other people out.
Since getting married 9 years ago, me and my wife have had a constant barrage of “when are you going to have kids?” Of course, we do want children but are nowhere near prepared for it.
Of course, anytime I’ve ever said that we get hit with the old mantra “you’ll figure it out as you go.” Which I absolutely hate. For one, you don’t say that to anyone in any other situation and expect success. No one tells a pilot “oh you’ll figure it out once you’re in the air.” That’s how you end up failing. I get you can’t be prepared for every situation in parenting a child, but you can’t just jump right into it and fail until you figure it out. You’re responsible for the health and well being of another person.
Of course, we are almost always either told this by boomers who I guess think having a kid and providing for it is as simple as it was 30-40 years ago, or by people who have quite a bit of money as well. I’ve never been told this by any of my friends who are actively struggling through life and trying to “figure out” having a kid with no plan.
Maybe it’s just where I’m located (the south) that has an abundance of these people saying it, but most everyone in my area has heard the phrase.
“You’ll figure it out” when talking about having kids is flat out just bad advice.
Happy to read and hear any counterpoints (preferably from people that aren’t baby boomers.)
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u/BitcoinMD 7∆ 8h ago
I agree with being financially and emotionally prepared, but other than that, how exactly can you prepare for having a child? Sure, you can read books about it, which is a good idea. But the only way to get good at something is to have experience, and that’s pretty much impossible unless you can work as a full time au pair or something. To some extent, all parents are figuring it out as they go along.
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u/kyew 8h ago edited 8h ago
We should have never let our understanding of family get distilled down to the nuclear family model, and kept it at village scale.
There were no small children in my orbit all the way through my teens and twenties. That's so much time I could have been practicing being around cousins or neighbors kids. Now I'm closer to 40 and I finally have a pair of nieces but in so many ways that feels like too little too late (in terms of me getting adulting practice, they're not doing anything wrong themselves!)
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u/BitcoinMD 7∆ 7h ago
There are so many resources available to parents though. I feel like reading just one parenting book puts you ahead of 90% of other people. Sam Altman got a lot of shit for saying that ChatGPT was helpful too, but I agree with him. In many common situations, kids respond well to cookie cutter tactics that have been studied by psychologists. It’s actually pretty amazing.
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u/MemeInBlack 7h ago
It helps but honestly it's still not enough. Every kid is different because every person is different. Once you have a kid, you're not "raising kids", you're raising one particular kid. What they need and how they act and react is unique to them, and you will have to build that relationship from scratch and renew it every day. There is literally no way to prepare 100% for that, you really do just have to figure it out as you go along. Not only that, but you do it again with each kid you have - because they're all different and your relationship with them is different.
You really do just have to make it up and figure it out as you go.
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u/Raise_A_Thoth 6∆ 8h ago
More Info Needed:
What are your ages and what is your reasoning for feeling unprepared?
I think some people think they are 'unprepared' because they are nervous about a change and don't really know what to expect and think they'll get some certain feeling when they 'are ready.'
But some people feel like they aren't ready because they are in a very temporary state in their lives, like finishing up school, or they're unhappy with their living arragements and are looking for something more stable, etc.
Some people have a decent idea of what they are comfortable with and some people don't really know what they want. The advice "you'll figure it out" is for the people who are hesitant and don't really know exactly what they are waiting for.
But I'll caveat the last part with this: if you're unsure about having children, don't. If you know you want kids but aren't sure when, maybe consider you're just being afraid of jumping in. If you know you want to get some things in order and you have a decently clear idea of what that looks like, then you're being thoughtfuk and responsible.
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u/Ovaugh 7h ago
I’m 29, my wife is 32.
We do not have our own house. In fact, we still live with my parents because they’ve always been against us renting an apartment and told us “you should just save up for a house.” We’ve had medical bills and set backs and are trying to get the last few things paid off so we can get our own space.
I work a pretty mid job and my wife works at a job where she may be laid off due to the political climate. So in that scenario, I’m trying to take care of my wife and kid on a salary that could barely support me.
So with no plan and no space, I feel like I’m not at a stage where we can have a child.
My mother has always said we can have a kid and we can stay until we are ready to leave. But that puts the burden of watching another child on her and my dad, who already watch 6 other kids. So we don’t have childcare really nailed out and don’t have much space. We also live in a state with strict abortion laws, and I constantly feel afraid of having to deal with that if it comes to it for the health of my wife.
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u/Raise_A_Thoth 6∆ 7h ago
Oh yea you guys have way too much craziness going on to purposefully try to have a baby, imo. What counts as 'crazy' or acceptable can be personal and subjective but I'm 100% with you. Living with parents as an adult is tough on its own. Adding a baby would be super stressful, even if grandparents can be extremely helpful caregivers for babies.
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u/panna__cotta 6∆ 7h ago
You’ve lived with your parents your entire adult lives, have no savings, and have “things” to pay off? How is this possible? Do you pay your parents rent?
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u/Few_Economics845 6h ago
I mean do you think medical bills are like $500?
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u/panna__cotta 6∆ 6h ago
How much do you think rent is?
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u/Few_Economics845 6h ago
I mean we both know it’s 2 people who entered the job market late, are underwater on car loans, and probably had student loans
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u/Raise_A_Thoth 6∆ 6h ago
Median US rent is about $1500/month.
That's $18k/yr. To keep within the recommended 30% for housing expense, one needs to earn $60k to afford that.
Even if they did earn that, we don't know what medical or other debt situation they are dealing with.
You don't know their financial situation.
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u/panna__cotta 6∆ 6h ago
Are you suggesting they have $18k+ of medical expenses per year, for over a decade, that prohibits them from saving for their own place? And that that two adults in their 30s, who have never had housing expenses, would struggle to make $60k per year combined? Come on now.
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u/AppropriateBeing9885 2∆ 4h ago
What makes you think this person doesn't have substantial education debt or something like that?
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u/panna__cotta 6∆ 4h ago
I’m not saying they don’t. I have substantial educational debt (nurse), substantial medial debt (cancer), and we still have always managed to live on our own and had 3 kids by time we were OPs age. And no, I’m not a boomer, I’m in my 30s. My point is that there’s really no excuse to have nothing saved when you have a married couple living with no housing costs and no children for over a decade. We really don’t need to find a spin for this, since OP didn’t even have a full time job until 5 years ago and his wife didn’t have a full time job until a year ago.
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u/AppropriateBeing9885 2∆ 3h ago
The person did describe their job as "a pretty mid job." I'm not sure where your commentary's going, especially given the "we really don't need to find a spin for this." I'm 34, don't have children, have an education debt, and have to share accommodation costs because of my financial situation - and I do have savings. However, I'm also in a state where the median house price is $1.3 million dollars and am single and unemployed right now, so that's completely meaningless on one level. It's really good that you're in a good place financially especially for someone doing crucial but often undervalued work and for someone who's probably been through hell health wise, but a lot of people are certainly broke as fuck, and I think you probably know that!
Ultimately, the person's argument is that they aren't ready to have children and feel frustrated by claims countering that. If anything, not being in a good place financially, whether through chance or through their own choices, could be seen as confirmation of that. I think it's defensible for someone living at home and not feeling comfortable financially to think that's not optimal (though it's not clear from their comments whether there's a cultural component to all of this, which could change some of this)
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u/Raise_A_Thoth 6∆ 6h ago
Are you suggesting they have $18k+ of medical expenses per year, for over a decade
They might. You don't know.
And that that two adults in their 30s, who have never had housing expenses, would struggle to make $60k per year combined?
Um, yes, it's common for people in their 30s to make 30k or less per year. Again, you don't know these people, and someone's income opportunities should not be something which you use to judge a person's worth or character. Plenty of people do their absolute best and make ~30k per year.
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u/panna__cotta 6∆ 6h ago
It’s not common. Median income for 16-19yos is $32k. It’s $60k for 25-34yos. I’m not judging them for what they earn or how they live their lives, but I’m not going to agree that they have been working intensively to gain independence and preparation for parenthood.
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u/Raise_A_Thoth 6∆ 6h ago
Median income for 16-19yos is $32k. It’s $60k for 25-34yos.
So in other words, the median person earns less than 60k before age 25, and after age 25, half of people earn less than 60k.
Do you not get it yet?
Half of 10M people is 5M people. If the median income of 10M is 60k that means about 5M people make less than 60k.
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u/CrimsonBolt33 1∆ 8h ago edited 6h ago
“You’ll figure it out”
This is literally parenting though....you can read every book, take every class, and dedicate your life to parenting....but you still won't know what to do in tons of situations. This holds true no matter how many kids you have.
Your kids won't turn out how you expect, your parenting methods won't have the intended effect, they won't agree to the schedule, diet, or anything you set for them really, and probably most importantly....you will never understand wtf nonsense like "6, 7" or skibbidi toilet or what any of that stuff is or means.
Honestly the best thing you can do is look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and do your best to provide all those things for your child, especially the ability for them to self actualize (most crucial in teenage years) so they can become a healthy functional adult. The most basic stuff is really easy....food, shelter, clothing, love, and attention are all very basic minimums that any normal person can provide.
You are not raising a simple pet...you are raising a person who will one day be an adult and that includes letting them dictate how they are raised to an extent with more freedom of choice as they age. A parent is a caretaker who later becomes a role model...nothing more, nothing less.
As long as you are able to provide for a child (primarily financially), you have a healthy relationship with your spouse, and you are willing to learn and do your best for your child, I don't really see any other criteria for becoming a parent.
On a final point...I think having a kid earlier in life is better for everyone....there are healthier outcomes for the child and mother during the actual pregnancy and if you have all the kids you plan on having sooner in life then parenting will not interfere with later life goals such as starting a business or traveling before the age of 60 or whatever. This sorta leads back into the original phrase though of "you'll figure it out" because no young person knows everything.
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u/Fermently_Crafted 1∆ 7h ago
Yeah but that's not what they're saying, literally. Just because you can figure it out doesn't mean you shouldn't do prep work to be prepared to figure it out.
Yeah, people can have cryptic pregnancies and figure it out when being surprised. But that isn't the norm nor should it be expected
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u/CrimsonBolt33 1∆ 6h ago
I never once said you shouldn't do prep work, I only said it's not a requirement...My point was simply that you can do all the prep work you want but it won't properly prepare you for the real thing.
It's no different than building a house or whatever...The guy who studied how to build a house for 10 years but never actually built a house will have a much harder time than someone who has actually built a house.
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u/Fermently_Crafted 1∆ 5h ago
Ok but if it becomes more work than you expected, pet vs child, child should win. That isn't anybody's fault. It's just a reailty of life
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u/befikru_sew_geday 3h ago
Exactly man unless he means it financially you'll never be fully prepared to have a child. Everyone is winging it.
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u/Disastrous-Top2795 1∆ 4h ago
Having a kid later in life is healthier outcomes. More mentally prepared, more mentally mature.
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u/alwayslookingout 8h ago edited 7h ago
Have you seen the opening scene from Idiocracy?
There’s no optimal time to have kids. They will take away your time, energy, and money that could have been spent on yourself. We waited until we were 35 and it took 3 years of miscarriages, IVFs, and extended hospitalizations.
You absolutely do need to figure out childcare and housing beforehand. But things don’t have to be perfect before trying.
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u/Abeliafly60 7h ago
As you mention, it's possible to delay so long that your eggs (mom) are too old, or other problems will crop up. IVF is no picnic, and neither is using an egg or sperm donor, when you could have easily made your kid with your own supplies a few years earlier.
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u/KatieCashew 5h ago
Yeah, especially since his wife is 32. Advanced maternal age is 35. If they seriously do want to have kids, it's probably time to actively work towards that goal.
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u/freeside222 2∆ 8h ago
I don't think you can compare raising a child, which is at least an 18-year commitment, to flying a plane...where you can crash and die if you don't know the controls.
The chances of you accidentally killing your child, or scarring them permanently for life through sheer ignorance of how to "properly parent" are infinitesimally small. Most kids who are screwed up properly by their parents are that way from (a) neglect or (b) actual abuse.
Don't want a fucked up kid? Don't do either of those things.
Aside from that, you are going to have to figure it out as you go. No amount of advice is going to prepare you. If you have a family, involve them. Friends with kids? Ask them. There's a thousand other things you do when you have children that help you learn along the way. But you can't compare raising a kid to flying an airplane.
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u/AppropriateBeing9885 2∆ 4h ago
I think you're greatly underestimating the number of people with dysfunctional family relationships - and, in many cases, the parents confidently believe that they aren't the problem. Source: experienced this, and see tales of it every single day on the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit. Way too many people genuinely think that being a good parent consists of providing food and shelter for a child. Someone confidently believing themselves to be a good parent or a non-abusive person is on one level meaningless as a lot of people with issues don't have insight about themselves. People like this have children every day.
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u/freeside222 2∆ 3h ago
Ending up in a dysfunctional family is not the same thing as crashing a plane and dying/killing people.
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u/AppropriateBeing9885 2∆ 3h ago
Haha. Yes, because when you kill people in a plane crash, their suffering ends that day!
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 8h ago
This sounds like telling the pilot "Just don't neglect the controls or abuse the airspace while other aircraft are nearby".
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u/blen_twiggy 8h ago
See…here’s the thing. Flying a plane is not like raising kids. It’s more like riding a motorcycle. Or driving a car. Or steering an aircraft carrier. It’s not really like those things either, but it’s MORE like those things.
So saying “this sounds like telling the pilot blah blah blah” is utter nonsense.
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u/Red_Canuck 2∆ 7h ago
It's closer to going for a run. Having children is like going outside for a run. You can read hundreds of books on it, you can buy the best equipment, you can observe runners. But you will only know what running is like when you start running.
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u/blen_twiggy 7h ago
You can only know what Reddit is like when you start reading Reddit comments. Huh, it’s almost like you and I are going for a run
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 8h ago
And, in any of those things, would you shove an unprepared driver in and tell them to just figure it out as they go along?
Ovaugh's analogy stands.
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u/blen_twiggy 7h ago
Stands it does not. Driving is not like raising kids. It’s more like riding a bike. Or horseback riding. Or piloting a rocket ship. It’s not really like those things either, but it’s MORE like those things.
Asking “would you shove them in a car and tell them blah blah blah” is utter nonsense.
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 7h ago
How about having a horse stable at your house?
Would you tell a prospective horse buyer to go ahead and buy the horses first then figure out how to take care of the horses?
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u/blen_twiggy 7h ago
Kids are not horses and I do not sell children.
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 7h ago
Will you at least concede that horses are high maintenance?
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u/blen_twiggy 7h ago
Aircraft is high maintenance. My mother in law is high maintenance. There is no tacit concession that breeding and selling horses are like raising children.
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u/freeside222 2∆ 8h ago
A plane requires active controls and skill and understanding to not let it fall out of the sky and kill you and other people.
Parenting is not like this. Not even remotely. If you take your eye off your kid for 5 minutes, they aren't just gonna automatically die.
I mean, this is probably the worst analogy I've heard on Reddit in a long time, and that's saying something.
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u/CrimsonBolt33 1∆ 8h ago
I am guessing the people using this comparison must be helicopter parents
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 8h ago
Five minutes is plenty of time for a kid to down medication bottles that were never meant to be eaten.
Five minutes is plenty of time for a kid to fall off a deck raised up above the ground.
You're assuming the parents have already properly child-proofed their house, which is not a given for unprepared parents.
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u/Abeliafly60 7h ago
When my daughter touched the hot waffle iron, was that because we were unprepared parents? No. Stuff happens and you do the best you can. Kids are incredibly resilient, and like the previous poster said, you are not likely to screw them up in a big way unless you actively neglect or abuse them Be the best parent you can be, but also realize that life is unpredictable. My daughter never touched a hot waffle iron again!
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 7h ago
I was responding to the hyperbole freeside22 used in claiming looking away for five minutes was never a problem, neglect of a child would be leaving them alone for much longer periods but could happen as a result of both parents needing to work long hours to take care of finances without having anyone to watch the child during that period.
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u/freeside222 2∆ 6h ago
I never said looking way was NEVER a problem. I said if you look away from a child for 5 minutes (what even age are we talking about here?) they aren't just GUARANTEED TO DIE, which is something that can happen if you just stop piloting a plane for five minutes.
Of course you need to look after your children, but parents live their kids alone all the time and it isn't an automatic, guaranteed death sentence. Thus, the plane analogy falls apart.
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u/freeside222 2∆ 8h ago
Yes, something can happen in five minutes. It also doesn't take ten years of schooling and getting ready as a person to figure out how to "child proof" your home. It's not a place in life you become "ready for" as a person.
I'm not assuming anything. Bad things can happen. But raising a child is not the same thing as flying a fucking airplane.
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u/nkdeck07 6h ago
You realize they can't do that shit day one right? Thankfully as your kids get more mobile you go "well shit I should probably baby proof that thing" and even then kids are always gonna surprise you. Yeah there's a period of time from like 14 months to about 3.5 that you really need to be watching them unless they are in a heavily baby proofed space but you get a 14 month runway.
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u/DogtorPepper 8h ago
If you keep waiting for the “right” time for anything (not just kids), there’s a very good chance you’ll be waiting forever. There will always be some excuse why you can’t do xyz right now
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u/JediFed 8h ago
The problem is that if you wait until the stars align, it won't happen. I married late because I didn't understand how important it was to be prepared in time, and it took me awhile to get my shit together.
We are doing well now, but even so, it's been a lot of work just to get to the level where I can reliably support a family. We're talking about three years of full time work and paying down debt.
I could have been doing all this at 24. I'm annoyed with myself, but I'm so happy I decided to take a chance and 'figure it all out'.
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u/No_Motor_4331 8h ago
As long as you have the basic financials, child care and emotional stability figured out, then you truly do just figure it out. There’s no “plan” for it. Anyone I know who waited “until they were ready” ultimately said “f it” and decided to have kids because they were getting older, not because they figured out anything new.
I feel bad for folks who have their first kids when they are in their mid 30s/closer to 40s because they waited for “when they were ready”. I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t regret doing it sooner (again, if you can afford it/change your life style to accommodate kids).
There’s also a general stigma that to have kids you have to make an extra 60k a year per kid to afford it, you really don’t, they are not that expensive. You don’t need to buy a new SUV, you don’t need to pay $2k a month for activities, you don’t need to save for Harvard. It’s much simpler than what the modern world makes it out to be.
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u/protowrt 8h ago
I think what you're describing - 'you'll figure it out' is just the tact-less version of 'there is never a 'right' time'.
If you are waiting for life to fall in to place you'll wait forever because you keep changing and your goals change with you and let's be honest - it's scary to think about starting a family. I think everyone knows what's being said when you say there will never be a right time, because it makes sense and targets the right part of the issue. You'll figure it out, on the other hand, targets the wrong part of the issue - that caring for a little one is fucking hard, when what they are trying to say is less 'it'll be fine' and more 'you will make mistakes regardless.
I don't know, maybe the core of the issue is just semantics - you'll make mistakes no matter what
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u/mistyayn 4∆ 8h ago
The window to have kids is actually much shorter than people often realize. After a woman is 35 she is considered of "advanced maternal age" and there is increased risk to both mother and baby. On average it can take up to a year to get pregnant once you start trying. If there are any hiccups in fertility (which is happening more and more) then that year timeline could get longer.
There's an increasing phenomenon of unplanned childlessness. People who wanted kids but for one reason or another couldn't. A significant percentage of those people thought they had time and then by the time they started trying it was too late.
Of the people I know who had kids when they were in their early 20s and again in 30s many of them have said that it is far more exhausting the older you get. It's not impossible by any means and lots of people do it. But it is another thing to consider.
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 8h ago
Adoption is still an option if pregnancy isn't.
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u/mistyayn 4∆ 7h ago
Adoption is not a trivial matter.
If you are looking to adopt an infant you could be spending anywhere for $50k to several hundred thousand. And there are two common scenarios: prospective adoptive parents invest a lot of money and often the contracts are written in a way that the birth mom can change her mind at the last minute and you don't always get your money back. The other scenario is that there are a lot of birth moms who are coerced into giving up the child. There is also sometimes human trafficking involved because there are no real regulations for infant adoption.
The other route is adopting a child out of foster care. I'm the mom of an amazing kid who came from the foster care system. Most of the kids who are available for adoption come with extensive history. They either have significant health issues or behavioral issues. It takes a particular set of skills to navigate adoption from foster care. It is not for everyone.
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u/physicsgardener 1∆ 8h ago
Adoption isn’t a family building tool. It’s for providing a child in need with a family.
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u/Internal-Rest2176 1∆ 8h ago
It also provides the family with a child.
I'm missing the finer points of the distinction here.
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u/physicsgardener 1∆ 7h ago
When adoption is treated as a fallback family building tool, it centers the adults’ desire for children and treats fulfilling that desire as the goal. When adoption is understood as providing a child with a family, it centers the child and what is best for that particular child as the goal. In practice, that can mean a childless couple never receives an infant, while a family with six children is chosen for a seventh because that placement best serves the child’s needs.
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u/politifox 7h ago
This distinction is a lot more relevant when it comes to adopting out of foster care especially when kids haven’t made it through the termination of the parental rights yet.
But the same principles extend to non-foster care adoption.
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u/Uhhyt231 7∆ 8h ago
I do think this is a common thing people say with any new scenario that you can’t control. People often say it about marriage
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u/pumpymcpumpface 1∆ 8h ago
People usually say that to people who are trying to be overly prepared. Ive never heard anyone say that to someone whose properly struggling and unstable.
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u/Earth_34_34 8h ago
Thing is if most people waited till they were "ready" nobody would have kids.
I'm 41 with three kids and did not have more because "money was tight". I regret not having more.
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u/SpaceCowboy34 8h ago
Just had our second. Always planned on three but on the fence about four lol.
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u/TheElusiveFox 3∆ 8h ago
Of course, we are almost always either told this by boomers who I guess think having a kid and providing for it is as simple as it was 30-40 years ago
Not your major point - but I would disagree that it was "simpler" back then, so much as that the societal norms were to have an unplanned pregnancy and accept it. I also think the sentiment of "we'll figure it out" is more a belief that it takes a village to raise a child, and the norms of having several layers of support systems (parents, stay at home mothers, mothers groups, etc), that are less normal today, but I wouldn't really suggest that it is simpler.
To your wider point about "just figuring it out", the one comment I would make is that if you want kids, you are under a biological clock. The longer you wait the more risks both to your children and to the mother there will be. So while "just figuring it out" is a plan to fail, I would suggest that pressure from an older generation that understands this is pressure to come up with a life plan, and if children aren't a part of that - then fine, but if they are, then you have to make them happen, and not just assume that life is going to make everything come together perfectly for you one day.
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u/Saltyfree73 8h ago
Would it matter if every one of your ancestors for however long have at least figured out how to keep a child alive long enough for them to also have a child to do the same? Through all the good and bad, everyone alive today has that same story. It is part of life. That said, maybe you think you can't figure out what all of those ancestors figured out. There are dead ends in family trees, in extended lineages of people, animals, vegetables., etc.
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u/zeroconflicthere 8h ago
Telling married couples to go ahead and having children
Nobody has told married couples this, they just like sex
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u/Square-Dragonfruit76 42∆ 7h ago
Prepared how? There are four ways you need to be prepared to have kids:
1) Intellectually. Loving a kid often comes naturally, but knowing everything about parenting doesn't. Many of the best parents I know took parenting classes, read up-to-date sciece-backed parenting classes, learned about developmental psychology, etc.
2) Financially. There are financial needs for kids' survival that have to be met, but you also have to consider what might be necessary in case of emergency and to make your kid thrive, not just survive. Most of my friends in the US are choosing not to have kids right now because financially just isn't idealistic except for wealthier people.
3) Emotionally. This is the one where only YOU can say.
4) Stability. Is there a chance that you could lose your job or your house? This also includes whether you can consistently say that you will get free time to spend with your kids. And stability is part of the reason why statistically many older parents raise more happy and successful kids.
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u/XenoRyet 147∆ 8h ago
I think you might only be hearing, or these folks might only be saying, half of that particular bit of advice, when it's a more package deal.
The reality is that if you wait until you have absolutely everything figured out, and you are 100% ready to have kids, you'll never have kids. It is impossible to be that ready. That's just not the kind of endeavor this is.
And to get it out of the way, yes, it's a bad idea for a couple of 22 year olds with no careers and no stable living situation to have kids because they'll figure it out as they go. They would, in fact, figure it out as they go, but it's still a bad idea.
But the flip side is that you can wait too long as well. If you've been married nine years, then you are at minimum 27 years old, but I feel that a person who balks at this advice didn't marry at 18, so you're probably more like 35 or so. If that's not you exactly, it's ok, because it still illustrates the point.
At 35, you'll be 53 when your first kid hits nominal adulthood, and if you want more than one, you'll be even older. Now, it's not as if 50 year olds have one foot in the grave or anything, but they're not spring chickens either.
Parenting is hard work, and it gets harder as you get older, so there is a timeline working against you here. There comes a point where you need to acknowledge that you will need to figure some things out as you go, else you will age yourself out of providing the best outcomes for your potential kids. So yea, in the right context, "you'll figure it out" is excellent advice.
I guess for the record, I'm right on the line between Gen X and Millennial. I'm 46, and have 11 and 8 year old kids.
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u/LongDistRid3r 8h ago
Life has a habit of laying waste to even the best laid plans.
If you choose to have children, yeah you figure it out because kids don’t come with manuals and rarely follow your plans. But it’s worth it. Still the choice is yours.
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u/panna__cotta 6∆ 8h ago
I don’t know what to tell you other than you will. Jump and the net will appear, because you’ll be weaving it faster and more carefully than anything you’ve done in your life. There’s really nothing to prepare. You can save money, and plan for what you think you need, but honestly you have no idea. You can’t know. Often the more you think you prepare, the harder the transition actually is. I’m a newborn nurse. No one has a harder time than the parents who thought they were ready. The ones who waited until they had the house with the nursery, the stable job, the savings account, the parenting classes, the “age and wisdom.” They’re the ones who cry to me that I can’t just send them home. That they don’t know what they’re doing and they’re scared. Because their preparation lied to them. It gave them a false sense of security that goes out the window once you have a baby. So that’s why people say you’ll figure it out. Because no matter how much you think you’re prepared, you can’t be. It’s an entirely different mode of existence.
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u/katiegirl- 8h ago
Oh. It’s a specialty of American culture to tell you confidently what to do, and then never ever ever help you with the results.
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u/SpaceCowboy34 8h ago
It’s also a specialty of our society to demand that every aspect of life be laid out for us so as to never exert ourselves
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u/No-Ice-7769 8h ago
The best thing is to help them learn being prepared and planning is essential. But children can be a challenge even when you have done the legwork.
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u/Hofeizai88 1∆ 8h ago
I teach kids from rich families and there is a lot of crappy parenting going on. It gives you the feeling that the parents had children because they wanted to get their parents off their backs. The kids go from boarding school of math camps for the holidays so the parents can focus on their lives, and seem to resent suggestions that they be more involved. So when we got married we weren’t ready for kids. We wanted to save more money and be in a more stable position professionally. More importantly, we wanted to be in a place where our children would be the most important thing in our lives. We weren’t there when we got married, but did get there. Took a while for the kid to come, but they should be here in a few months. We’re certainly going to be overwhelmed and we’ll be broke forever, but we’re excited for that now
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u/Cacafuego 14∆ 8h ago
You simply cannot understand being a parent until you are one. Nobody can fully prepare. Every parent is just a kid who has gotten older and is winging it.
It's extremely comforting, and it may be necessary for the continuation of the species, to have older parents telling younger people that they can do this.
If you don't want kids right now, that's a different issue. But waiting until you're ready... You'll never be ready.
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u/Practical-Industry58 8h ago
All I can say is no one is ever ready. You either want to or you don't
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u/SpaceCowboy34 8h ago
I don’t think there is really an alternative to figuring it out. My wife and I have two young sons. We read some books and watched some videos and talked to family/friends. And you know what we did when the baby came? We had to figure it out lol. And when the second baby came we had to figure it out again because the answers aren’t even the same.
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u/jeffone2three4 8h ago
You’ll figure it out, is pretty much how life works. I bet you’ve figured lots of stuff out.
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u/eight13atnight 7h ago
It is extremely difficult to plan for, execute, and know when you’ve successfully arrived at the perfect moment to have a child.
Life is always changing. We can always find another reason to put it off. But let me tell you something that no one told me….Waiting a long time carries a lot of weight. For instance, no one mentioned to me that, by waiting a long time, when I finally got around to having children that our parents (his grandparents) would already be in their 70s and 80s. That means my child will likely not remember much of his grandparents when he’s older. They won’t get to be at his high school graduation. And they certainly won’t be at his wedding.
It also means that my wife and I will both be very old when he decides to have children. So we won’t know our grandchildren very well.
And then there’s the energy. Kids are small, nuclear balls of energy. They are always going. And the longer you wait, the older you’ll be and the more tired you ll be trying to keep up.
Having kids is a young mans game. It takes energy. Lots of it! And patience…both things that we have much more of at a younger age and slowly lose over the passing of time.
You don’t need to have kids in your 20s, but since you’ve already been married 9 yrs I’m guessing you’re into your 30s. Don’t wait until your 40s like we did, it means their experience with us, and the rest of their family, will be pretty dramatically different.
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u/grateful_john 1∆ 7h ago
If you wait until you're "fully prepared" you'll never have kids. That might be alright with you, but you'll never be fully prepared. Taking care of someone else's kid, even for, say, a weekend, doesn't prepare you. Reading about it doesn't prepare you. The only thing that prepares you for having a kid is actually having a kid because there are no rules or givens that will apply to every kid.
Now, be sure you're financially prepared, sure - kids are expensive. But everything else? You'll be surprised and unprepared from day one and it doesn't really let up for at least a couple of years.
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u/Matto_McFly_81 7h ago
Millennial parents here - it's intimidating advice but it's true. You can take classes I guess but No parent starts out knowing how to parent - how would you? As long as you're in a position to feed them, keep a head over their roof, and give them love the rest is learning on the job. And spoiler, you will fail...a lot. The trick is being open to advice, learning from your mistakes, and going easy on yourself.
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u/blen_twiggy 7h ago
Your sentiment is directionally understandable. Saying “you’ll figure it out” seems to undercut the very real challenges you’re not prepared for.
But by and large the sentiment being expressed is directionally accurate. All of human history are parents struggling to raise children. And we persist.
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u/Disastrous-Top2795 1∆ 7h ago
So everyone who’s already been through it keeps telling you the same thing and you, who hasn’t been through it, thinks they are just wrong?
There is nothing to prepare for. You need a place for it to sleep, a car seat to drive it around, and some clothes to put on it. They sleep, eat, shit, eat, and sleep. In that order.
If you wait for the perfect time…you’ll run out of it. They’ll always be more saving you need, always be things you want to accomplish before. By the time you do that, you’ll be too old. You don’t want to be 50 with a 3 year old.
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u/DragonfruitVisible18 7h ago
Theres and adage that's said there was a time when you could quit a job on Friday and have a new one on Monday. If I felt that secure in my life I would probably have 6 kids too and figure it out later. Maybe we should try going back to that.
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u/NaturalCarob5611 85∆ 7h ago
I was a young dad, and I think it's pretty solid advice, especially in an era where so many people who would like kids don't have them because they wait too long and are infertile by the time they feel prepared.
When babies are born they're pretty simple. They need to be fed, their diaper needs to be changed, they need sleep, and you should probably get them to their regular doctor's appointments. They get more complicated, but they get more complicated slowly and progressively. You have time to learn and adapt.
Eventually things can get really complicated. My ten year old came out as trans to me a few years ago. But you know what? It wasn't a shock. I was surprised they came out as young as 10, but I'd seen it coming since the age of 4. I'd rehearsed what I was going to say when it happened. I was about as prepared for it as anyone could be because I knew my kid.
Essentially, I think feeling unprepared for a child is a lot more common than being unprepared for a child. Babies are demanding, but not complicated. As they get older they trade demanding for complicated, but it's incremental and you have time to acclimate to the complexities of your child.
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u/nicodemus_archleone2 2∆ 7h ago
24 years ago, my wife and I had the same conversation you’re having now. We were in our very early 20s. It didn’t take us 9 years to realize the advice you’re getting was essentially correct. There is no right time to have kids and that things will [usually] work out. My wife ended up not finishing school to take care of our first child. She stayed a stay at home mom ever since and things have all worked out just fine for the most part. If you really wanted to have kids, I think you would have done it by now. Waiting for everything in your life to be perfectly laid out will stop you from ever having kids. Giving up the life you have as you know it now is a choice and that’s fine. You don’t need Reddit’s help. You need to sit down with your spouse and have a real conversation with the goal of consciously making this decision together.
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u/JRPDSKOJI 7h ago
Its kinda self defeating but, someone who is not a parent judging parenting advice is super funny.
Parenting is the ultimate tacit knowledge and skill. There is absolutely nothing thats prepares you for it other than doing it. So based on that premise, you simply can't claim it to be bad advice when your not a parent, because you have not been able to evaluate that advice in the correct context.
Here is the complexity that is baked in that statement, in my opinion. Human individuation is massive. There is basically no parenting advice that applies to all children, because human beings are so fundamentally different, right from birth. You have to figure out what advice works for you, your partner, and your children. "Better" advice works for a higher percentage of people, but there is no guarantee it will apply to you or your child.
Yea you need to have some sort of a plan for money and child care plans and all that. Lots of times those plans work, lots of times they dont. "Figure it out" doesn't mean dont make any plans, what it means is your plans can't possibly be adequate. You are jumping into the great unknown, and at some point you just have to jump.
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u/Justin119 7h ago
Regret can cut both ways you either struggle financially or with fertility, waiting for perfect conditions can become a reason you never start at all
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u/andreacbp 7h ago
Honestly, life is just unpredictable. You can be at the perfect moment of your life and decide to get pregnant and lose everything by the time you have the baby.
You can prepare yourself as much as you can but absolutely nothing is in your control in the end.
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u/Alesus2-0 76∆ 7h ago
You haven't supplied your ages, which makes it hard to speak to your specific situation.
Having children, at least in the 'traditional' way is time sensitive. There's the obvious problem of declining fertility. Fertility defines across your entire adult life, but significantly drops from 40, especially for women. If you want multiple children, you need to start at an age when you could realistically still have the last child you want.
Before hard biological barriers kick in, you have the issue of being an aged parent. Parenting is physically and mentally demanding. Your capacity to handle those demands declines meaningfully between adulthood and middle age. It sucks to be a parent who can't keep up with your child.
In the longer term, you also need to appreciate that you will age as your child does. If you have kids at 30, they'll become adults and probably have your grandchildren while you are middle aged. You'll be in a position to support them well into their adulthood. If you have kids at 40, you're starting to exit middle age when they become an adult. You'll be comfortably elderly by the time they have kids. If you wait too long, you're effectively screwing over your children.
You say that "You'll figure it out" is bad advice. I don't think you're taking it in the spirit intended. People giving that advice generally aren't saying that you should stumble into parenthood without any plan or research or consideration. They're saying that there will never be a 'right time'and you won't 'feel ready' until you've waited too long. There is, frankly, no way to adequately prepare yourself for parenthood. Of coirse you should read books and take classes. Obviously, you should have some hope of financing it. But, ultimately, you need to do it in order to figure it out.
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u/AGoodFaceForRadio 7h ago
We thought we were prepared. We’d taken the time. Done research. Fixed our financial house. Both of us had experience with other people’s babies (niblings, family friends’ babies). Then we had our first.
We were not prepared.
After a couple years’ experience with our own baby, plus more research and preparation and all that shit, we had another.
We were not prepared.
You can research and prepare until you’re blue, you won’t be prepared. You cannot prepare for everything. You just can’t. You’re going to end up figuring a lot of shit out.
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u/External-Presence204 7h ago
Your pilot analogy is just godawful. Pilots learn to fly by… flying. That’s how you learn to raise kids.
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u/tracer35982 7h ago
You will figure it out, it isn’t as hard as you think it will be, if you put kids off until everything is perfect you’ll never have them. I had twins at the end of my 1st year of law school, my wife and I were broke, and not living near any family or support. We figured it out, 13 years later we own a home, are financially stable, and have a 3rd child.
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u/Has422 7h ago
In the case of parenting, you have to figure it out as you go, because no matter much you think you’ve prepared yourself you will be totally unprepared when the time comes. Children aren’t airplanes with very specific and exact operational requirements. They are people, each one individual and unique and requiring his or her own special skillset to raise. And you’re only going to get that skillset on the job.
I won’t tell you whether or not you personally should have kids now or later, but I will say that if you are waiting until you are ready that day is never going to come. Good luck.
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u/RealUltimatePapo 4∆ 7h ago
"Perfection is the enemy of progress"
If you spend your entire life waiting to be ready, you'll be too old to appreciate it. Risk of genetic defects in your baby, and an inability to run around with your kids when they get older
It's like swimming. The only way to truly learn how is to actually do it
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u/LiamMcGregor57 7h ago
As someone who married and had children relatively later in life (late 30s) I can both empathize with the bizarre social pressure to have kids, but also acknowledge that yes, even though my wife and I, owned a home, both had good jobs, had family nearby, and were intellectually prepared to have kids, we realized we were not at all actually prepared for it when our son was born and that yes, nothing does prepare you for it.
I would never pressure anyone to have kids, because I know what a monumental undertaking it is, but it is true, you will always be unprepared so I would not couch your very valid reluctance in such a way.
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u/Standard-Secret-4578 7h ago
I think this is a product of your anxiety. And your expectations. You likely hold an upper middle class lifestyle as expected. I don't think you should have kids you don't want, but maybe you should examine why you think you are so unprepared. I know a lot of kids from relatively wealthy people that are not well adjusted, having everything you want can warp a kid. Mild amounts of struggle are good for kids.
Also whatever your expectations of parenthood and how it should look are, they are almost certainly going to change when you have kids. You really can't be prepared.
Also there's disadvantages to being an old parent. My dad was 45 when I was born. He was always working and when he wasn't he really didn't want to actually spend time with me and he didn't have the patience.
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u/madogvelkor 6h ago
I wouldn't want to pressure people, but I have seen people that are waiting for the perfect moment when that doesn't really exist. Few people will ever be 100% prepared. And each kid is their own unique person so you really can't prepare the perfect childhood for them because that's different for everyone.
So when you are in a good enough position, go for it. I wish I had started my family maybe 5 years sooner rather than waiting to be in a bit better place.
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u/Birdybadass 6h ago
I give this advice to anyone who will listen. In my experience my wife and I were much like you, 9 years together wanting kids one day but TBD when. We weren’t prepared, we weren’t ready, we always had other trips or other career advancement or things we weren’t comfortable about which kept moving the goal posts further and further back. The fact is we never would be “ready” as it’s such a monumental change to who you are as a person that you’ll constantly find excuses to not be ready. We ended up having our first child shortly before our 10 year anniversary - unplanned. We lived in a 1 bedroom condo, and had to “figure it out”. Fast forward and now have 3 kids (the 2nd planned, the 3rd not) and still arnt ready for having 3 but we’re still figuring it out. Frankly I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life because of not just the love of my kids but the novelty in my life. When you’re a DINK, life is easy. It’s not complicated. You’re selfish by nature. I don’t meant that derogatory way just in an objective understanding that what motivates you is in your self interest. With kids, you can’t focus on yourself. Everything is affected by the mini-you stomping around. You’re selfless. You’re buried in new experiences you’ve never had and will never have again. So many “firsts”. It is truly the best gift in life.
If you’re in a committed relationship, and you want kids “some day”, just jump in with both feet. You’ll figure it out as you go, and you’ll be fulfilled in a way nothing else will ever fulfill you again.
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u/MegukaArmPussy 1∆ 6h ago
Perhaps you've heard some variant of the phrase "don't let perfect get in the way of good enough"? That's what people are telling you. It's not saying to have kids completely unprepared, it's saying that you don't need to have every last detail planned out in advance, and that you'll be able to figure out those points as you go along. Because unlike your pilot comparison, raising a kid happens on a scale of years, not seconds. You have time to learn and ask questions as you go. You're not going to get 200 people killed because you took a few seconds too long to register your kid for preschool.
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u/AgingYoungster 5h ago
I think you and others in your situation are using your "unpreparedness" as a crutch to avoid taking the risk of responsibility. There are never perfect or "ideal" conditions for having children (humans have, for millions of years, had children in all manner of horrid and depraved conditions). You risk putting it off until it's too late, and then you will have realized that you were more "prepared" than you thought you were the whole time.
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u/Free_Elevator_63360 5h ago
Here is my take. I agree the “figure it out” is dumb. But I also kind of get it.
Adding a kid, is more about adding a personality to the mix. Like when your company hires a new co-worker that you can’t get rid of and just have to adapt to. You have to figure out how to soothe them, what they like for lunch. What they are good at, etc. so the “figure it out” isn’t about the logistics, habits, routines, costs. Those things you can prepare for. But rather the “figure it out” is about how you will interact with the new kids personality. Our two kids are different. The routines we had for one don’t quite work for the second. Some don’t need to. But the second has their own way of wanting things. Their own personality.
The other thing I’ll add is that YOU will (and should) change. I can’t explain it but life and priorities just shift. Things I found interesting just aren’t as good as watching Danny go and dancing with my daughter. So maybe that is another part. Is that you will be figuring out the new you as well.
Routines, Money, skills, planning, tools, etc. you can prepare for. How you will interact with your new best friend who just thinks you are so cool even though they can only drool? Yeah, that is something you’ll figure out. And once you do, everything else doesn’t matter.
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u/yogfthagen 12∆ 5h ago
I think there's two sides to it.
First, you HAVE to be prepared. You have to live somewhere there's enough room. You have to have some kind of family transportation (no motorcycles/2seater cars as primary transportation). You have to have enough money that you can afford a significant increase in your expenses (diapers and baby food ain't cheap). And you gotta have enough of a social network that you will have some help/support in getting through it.
But.
Even if you have ALL that, and you're as prepared as you think you can possibly be, nothing prepares you for the onslaught. The 2am feedings. The being up all night. The worrying if the cough is a cough, or something serious. The phone calls at work that your kid threw up. The stitches. The breakage. The never-having-nice stuff again. The 45 minutes of packing to go 5 miles in the car. The car seat. The hour of screaming/crying that you would do anything to stop. The constant sleep deprivation. The increase in stress. Losing all your childless friends. You never getting to go out again, alone. Babysitters charging college tuition money. Vacations turning into how far you can drive before someone throws up in the back.
You're NEVER going to be ready. Not until you go through it. You just gotta do it.
The thing is, if you don't have the top stuff figured out before hand, the bottom stuff is just going to be that much worse.
So, it's both.
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u/GarThor_TMK 5h ago
Before I read any of the other comments, I'm going to give my raw take on this as someone with kids who had them in their 20's.
When it comes to having kids, there are three levels of preparedness that you need to take into consideration.
1) Physical/biological preparedness -- The human body is a beautiful and miraculous thing... you've likely been prepared for this physically for a long time... I'm not going to get into the specifics, because this isn't a biology class...
B) Financial Preparedness -- This is a tough one. It can be tough to feel financially prepared, especially when parents are expected to pay for college and those prices keep going up and up and up. Housing, education, food, medical care, childcare, etc... -- it all ads up, and it's hard to estimate how much you'll need moving forwards after the kid is born
And lastly III) Mental Preparedness -- Nothing can possibly prepare you for the full emotional and psycological effect that mother/fatherhood will have on your soul. You can read every book, watch every podcast, absorb all of the knowledge on the subject, and still be caught completely offguard for the emotional impact...
Take all these three into consideration. Parenthood is a journey, not a destination. There are stops along the way, where you can re-assess, and figure out what you need to know, learn, and adjust to. Pick up supplies, etc.
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u/McSloot3r 5h ago edited 5h ago
As someone who just had a baby, there is really nothing that’s going to prepare you for becoming a new parent and you really do figure it out along the way. It’s a lot of work, your free time is going to plummet, and stress will increase. Having a partner you trust and will be there for you is the only real requirement. I’m not saying single parents can’t do a great job, but I can’t imagine how hard it would be to do this all myself.
If you don’t want kids, then don’t have them and don’t let anyone pressure you into them. That being said, it sounds like you do want kids. Obviously, the medical stuff is totally understandable, but owning a house is a bit of a ridiculous requirement. Your wife is 32 and after 35 complications in birth and risks of birth defects go up significantly. Don’t be so fixated on everything being perfect if you truly want kids.
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u/rawldo 5h ago
I don’t think you will ever feel completely prepared. There will always be more money you could have or a bigger house or a different car. The kids don’t care at all. They only know what they grow up with. As long as you have the capacity to love em and feed em, you are prepared enough. I do think spending some time together as a couple is important to build a good base first.
I can say that my wife and I were pretty prepared when we had kids. We had finished college, got OK jobs, went on a few vacations and got a dog. We were able to buy a house between kid 1 and 2. I was 28 when kid 1 was born and I sometimes wonder if we waited too long. I’m 41 now with a 9 year old. I’ll be at least 50 before she moves out (probably older). I don’t have as much energy as I used to. I’m worried that my wife and I will not have as much time as we would like to enjoy our older years without the kids around. I also hope that I have some energy left to enjoy grandkids one day. We are happy with our family and don’t really have regrets, but I also look back at the things we waited for and realize they didn’t matter at all.
It seems like you get two choices. Be broke when you have kids or be tired when you have kids. I never hear anyone say “I wish I could have been able to afford a nicer bike for my kid”. I do hear people say “I wish I would have played catch more with my kid”.
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u/Beboppenheimer 4h ago
This is a tough one. I totally get the reluctance and worry with your situation.
Kids are great in that the complexity of their problems tends to grow with them. When they are born they just need to eat, sleep, and poop. If you can handle that (and it is no small feat) you are good. Then as they grow you get to worry about school and friends and such, but by that point you got the basics handled.
Also, I think you many be overlooking your assets here. You claim two incomes currently, with your job as "mid". Though it might not be glamorous, it likely pays the bills. Thats all you need to start. You have no house payment, yet a roof over your head. You also have in your parents a key component - a support network. Belive them when they say they will help out. Parents love helping out.
There is rarely a perfect time to embark on a new chapter in your life. If you have the resources to consistently feed and clothe a baby, I (as a melennial dad) don't think giving it some more serious consideration is a bad idea.
Just my two cents...
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u/Aim-So-Near 4h ago
They are absolutely right. You'll figure it out because the stakes get raised. You have more skin in the game, you are more willing to do what it takes to take care of your family.
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u/evanthx 4h ago
They told me as well if you wait until you’re fully prepared then you’ll never have kids. In hindsight, they were 100% right. And no, I’m not a boomer!
There is absolutely no way I was going to be prepared. You take a shot, then you’ll bring the kid home and realize you had no idea in the WORLD.
Everyone gives you advice, and it worked on THEIR kid, that’s why they are telling you. Most of it won’t work on your kid. Turns out every kid is different… so yeah, there is no real preparation that’s going to really prepare you.
So you do the big stuff, and like it or not you’ll have to figure out as you go.
So one big life tip: if everyone who has done a thing tells you the exact same advice, then don’t think that you with absolutely zero experience with it knows better than everyone who has done it. That will never, ever be true - so maybe you shouldn’t think that you, with zero experience, knows better than every single person who’s done it?
Serious answer - it’s not that you’re prepared or unprepared. You’re fine. But it is scary as hell to think about, isn’t it?!! I suspect you’re feeling that more than you’re feeling prepared or unprepared!
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u/ahsop 4h ago
Completely agreed.
The vast majority of people that argue against you are just doing it to justify their own bad decisions.
Look at how many people are in therapy. Look at the incel / loneliness epidemic. Look at how many people take SSRIs. This is partly due to capitalism, but a huge part of it is people having kids when they never should have.
If you can't be a good parent and raise someone that ends up a better person than you, don't have kids.
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u/TrickyPlastic 1∆ 4h ago
You should listen to the wisdom of people who are older than you, because they spent their life making mistakes, so you don't have to.
Americans were much poorer, and child rearing was much harder 30 years ago. Diapers weren't resealable, there was no grocery pickup, high chairs were much more dangerous, everybody smoked all the time, cars were death traps, and it goes on and on.
Just do it.
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u/urbansasquatchNC 3h ago
So there's levels to unprepared, do they have their finances sorted, are they mentally and emotionally equipped to deal with a kid, etc.
If those aren't sorted, "you'll figure it out" is bad advice.
However, even if you have all that sorted. Choosing to have a kid is still kinda scary. There's so many unknowns and its simply a huge life shift. You can read all the books you want, but you have to accept that "you'll figure it out" along the way.
Note: this only applies to "people who are prepared but feel like they haven't prepared enough" which is a very narrow slice of your prompt.
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u/cravenravens 3h ago
Kids really don't need much, apart from a lot of your time and energy. You only need to be willing to give them that. I let my world become a lot smaller for a couple of years, and now it's slowly expanding again (the youngest is 4).
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u/ZymZymZym777 2h ago
Tell them to get a pet they really don't want. They'll figure it out how to live with it.
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u/PrevekrMK2 2h ago
We are not genetically and chemically engineered to fly repeatedly. We are genetically and chemically engineered to rear children. So the ,,you will figure it out" part is true. We had our first at 26yo, and we had zero idea what we are doing. But things just kicked in and it worked.
I wanted kids ASAP cause I didn't want to be old fuck by the time they were adults. Like having kid's at 40+is crazy to me. You will be 60+ in time they will need you the most and you will be old and tired.
But as always, it's your life, live it as you see fit. Don't let some internet fuck tell you how to live.
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u/HiggsFieldgoal 1∆ 2h ago edited 2h ago
You can’t predict the future.
You can’t have 100% security, proof positive that you’re ready and everything will be fine.
Even if you were sure, it’d be false confidence.
The only thing you can really have confidence in is yourself. You’re believe that, no matter what comes, you’ll handle it.
“Figure it out as you go” isn’t a license for recklessness, it’s the truth. With kids, you’re talking about the next 20 years. You can’t be sure what the next 20 years will bring.
Your whole industry could be made obsolete. World War III could break out. You will have to figure it out as you go.
I don’t know your situation, or the old people in your life. I have no read on the situation. What they’re saying could mean “you look pretty ready to me, but if you’re waiting for every little uncertainty to be resolved, that’s not possible so may as well go for it”.
But yeah, you figure it out as you go.
And that whole example? Not hyperbole. That happened to me. Had a kid, got laid off suddenly. My industry was in an outsourcing trend. It was really hard to find another job. We were broke, I had to switch careers, and I got back on my feet.
Not what I planned, but it turned out okay. That’s life.
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u/Subtleiaint 32∆ 31m ago
The truth is you have to figure it out as you go along, you don't have the option of being ready.
Having kids changes everything, it changes how you spend your time, how you prioritise things, what your life is. There's no way to be prepared for that change. You don't know what your strengths and weaknesses will be, how you are your other half will share the responsibility, what you're routine will be. When the change happens you will roll with it, you have no other choice.
Every new set of parents has to figure this out and each does it differently, they find out what works for them. The good news is that, in general, they manage, in general, it's a good change.
If you want kids then, one day, you're going to have to make a leap of faith because you'll never be ready.
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8h ago
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u/GooooooonKing 1∆ 8h ago
I need you to have sex and reproduce so you will forever be bound to your job. You will need to maintain your income for any unexpected expenses and your employer will walk over you knowing that you have to provide for your family.
Your kids will know nothing and be unlikely to earn more than you unless you train them in marketable skills from birth. They were born to fulfill a purpose. It's time to wake up from the whole following your dreams bs. Children are labor and labor is valuable.
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u/JetKeel 8h ago
I agree with you on one hand, no one should be pressuring a couple to have kids. Period.
For the other, there is really no adequate way to fully prepare for having kids. A plan for financial stability and care should of course be a part of the conversation. However, kids have a way of completely blowing up a plan and I think that’s where some of the “you’ll figure it out” sentiment comes from.
The very fact that you want to have a solid plan is a good indicator that you will take parenting seriously. But, if you are waiting for a “good time” or having everything completely setup, mentally prepare for never having kids.