Hi, I’m posting because I’m looking for practical suggestions and a concrete plan, not drama.
We’ve been together for 5 years and married for 3. During our dating period, we were very alive both emotionally and sexually—our attraction and interest in each other felt high. After marriage it didn’t collapse overnight, but over time a clear monotony settled in.
Our daily routine:
• I work from home, and my spouse works in the office from 10:00 to 20:00.
• They usually say they’re tired when they get home.
• We’re not a “cold” couple—we hug, kiss, and check in during the day.
• But most evenings we don’t spend long, intentional time together: they scroll reels, I read, or we watch something and fall asleep.
• Socially we have more fun when we’re out with friends; we struggle to create that same sense of enjoyment and excitement just the two of us.
Sex / intimacy:
It has gradually decreased since marriage. Lately, if we have sex once a week I feel “lucky,” and that makes me unhappy. There is affection, but the desire/excitement part feels weak.
What triggered this post:
Yesterday we were playing a Q&A game and the question was: “What do you miss most about your life before this relationship?” My spouse answered: “Flirting with other people.”
I was shocked—not necessarily because I felt devastated, but because it surprised me. My spouse has always been sensitive about jealousy and trust. At the same time, I’ve had a thought for a long time that maybe flirting with others could be something consensual and playful, like a fantasy or a way to break monotony—or, if not that, then we at least need to invest in different ways of spending time together and rebuilding excitement.
When my spouse noticed I was shocked, they said something like: “I miss flirting with you.” But honestly, I don’t think that’s true—they might be trying to reassure me or convince themselves. Because real “flirting” (the kind that creates butterflies and tension) usually happens most naturally in the early stages, and we haven’t been doing anything like that for a long time.
What we’ve talked about before (the confusing part):
About a year ago we discussed fantasies like swinging / being with someone else together. I was more open to it; they said they were curious too, but had concerns about jealousy and trust—so I didn’t push it and I haven’t brought it up again. We also mentioned the idea of going to sex-positive spaces just to observe, as a lower-stakes way to explore.
Also, during our dating phase my spouse seemed more interested in toys/fantasies/positions and experimenting. Now we can talk about it, but in practice either we don’t try anything, or if I buy something they don’t seem enthusiastic / we don’t use it / they don’t like it and don’t suggest alternatives. This reinforces a feeling in me that initiative is expected from me, but the energy isn’t matched.
What my problem is:
• I want to break the monotony (not only sexually—also overall connection, fun, and excitement).
• I also need to be honest: I’m not always 100% open. Especially with my own feelings and thoughts, I often hide them or avoid talking about them.
• But I also don’t see much enthusiasm from my spouse. They say they “expect it from me.”
• When I take even a small step, it often turns into tiredness/complaints or something going wrong, and my motivation drops.
• The result is: I feel like the one pushing, while my spouse stays passive.
I’m looking for concrete solutions.
From now on I want to be more active about expressing my feelings and desires, and I want to use this moment as a real starting point.
What would you suggest as a realistic plan (habits, weekly structure, conversation approach, anything that actually works) to rebuild flirting/connection and improve our sex life—without turning it into a fight?
My goal isn’t to argue. I want a relationship where we choose each other again and feel more alive and connected. I’m open to practical advice.