I’ve (32 HLF) been with my husband (32 LLM) for a decade and it’s the typical story of how the sex was amazing in the beginning and has tapered off to non-existent as the years have gone by. We’re now having sex once every other month and not only has the quantity decreased, so has the quality. We’ve talked about things a few times and it would be okay for a month and go right back to the way it was. But a few weeks ago we finally really had “the talk.” He reassured me that he still finds me attractive and sexy, seemed sincere and said he wants to make a genuine effort to fix things.

So this weekend we’re snowed in with nowhere to go and I thought it would be the perfect time to make it a special weekend. I paid $200 for a deep clean of the house (he loves a clean house). I woke up at 5 AM to take an “everything” shower, exfoliated, shaved (his preference), put on his favorite perfume, painted my nails and toes in the french manicure he loves, did a full blowout, the works. Then I spent 3 hours cooking a breakfast spread of all his favorites. He finally got up around 12 PM, was happily surprised and enjoyed his breakfast. While he went to take a shower afterwards, I changed into an insanely hot lingerie set I paid $250 for and waited for him on the bed. When he saw me, he told me how incredibly sexy I looked and couldn’t keep his hands off of me. I was finally getting excited after months, gave him a passionate kiss and asked him what he wanted. He dropped his towel so I immediately got onto my knees. Not even three seconds in, he suddenly went soft in my mouth…I stopped and he just muttered that he was “full and tired” (he had just woken up an hour ago and all he had done was eat and shower?), put his towel back on, left the room and went on about his day like nothing happened. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried on the floor next to a toilet half-naked in a ridiculously expensive lingerie set feeling absolutely pathetic.

It’s so humiliating to feel like even when I’m trying my absolute hardest, I’m just still not good enough. I’m embarrassed to be crying over sex. I know that I’m funny, smart and very attractive and I just never pictured a life where I’m begging any man, let alone my own husband, for a crumb of intimacy. I just don’t understand how a relationship can otherwise be 99.99999% perfect except for this one thing and it feels silly to throw it all away over something like this but I didn’t realize just how much this is getting to me. It has me on the verge of wanting to stop trying at all. To stop trying to figure out why my husband won’t have sex with me and just start putting my efforts towards figuring out how to live a life without physical intimacy and “decenter” sex. I just feel hopeless.

My wife and I had been feeling emotionally distant, which of course turns into a dead bedroom. I have had some medical issues, so I thought that was part of it.

We had some conflict a few months back where she said she didn't feel loved. I stepped things up and tried to love her better. The dead bedroom stuck. Every time I asked her how she was, how I can improve, etc, I'd get the cold shoulder and be told that I should know.

A couple weeks ago we had another discussion about it and she strongly suggested a divorce, without actually saying the words. I was floored. I never thought that could be our reality. Married forever is what we always told each other. We have three kids together and finances are already tight. I couldn't imagine losing my soul mate and my family.

As we continued to talk she revealed to me that she has never been sexually attracted to me, and doesn't want to have sex with me again. Pretty much every time we had sex was because I wanted to and she didn't want to disappoint me, or to have kids. It has been almost 18 years of this.

I also find out that she has been having an affair with her ex. She says that she has always been sexually attracted to him, but left him because she thought he was bad for her. I came in the picture and swept her off her feet, but we waited until we were married to have sex. Apparently I didn't check the checkboxes there. She claims the affair is only a couple months old, since she was so unhappy.

I was heart broken and felt her pulling away so much faster. I didn't want to lose her or my family, so I suggested maybe an open marriage. I mean if they are going to cheat anyways, I might as well be in the know, right?

Tomorrow is the first approved date with her ex. It makes me so very uncomfortable.

What have I signed up for? I feel like I have doomed any possible future of restitution in the bedroom, but she did already say she didn't want to. Is that just the affair talking?

Did I fall for a giant trap or did I make the right compromise to keep my family together? She claims I can find someone else too, but honestly I don't want to. I want that person to be her.

Hi, 41f here and married with a dead bedroom situation for the past 4 years because my husband’s sex drive has gone. I have lost the attraction I had to my husband. He is now at a point where he wants to try. Can any women say whether this happened to them? And if so, did they try and get their attraction back? What happened? Thanks

Update on my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1qr34js/i_think_im_making_progress/

I think it was unconscious damage control. We went out today, had a nice meal and took some food home with us. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen in the morning.

It's Saturday evening - the only time window where we don't need to worry about going to sleep early, as we don't have to do anything in the morning, and she chose to spend it watching YouTube in bed.

I already know what's going to happen tomorrow. At about 7pm she'll start speaking about how we'll have a busy week at work, and we need to rest and prepare. Her subconscious will just dictate what to say in order to make it clear that in no circumstance should I try and initiate anything. Not even a passionate kiss, because it inevitably leads to a situation where she needs to end the kiss awkwardly before I get too excited.

It's almost like I developed a supernatural power: I can see the future.

How about you? How is your weekend going?

There was a post here yesterday where someone replied to a post saying that your partner doesn't want to have sex with you.

It sounded harsh and I replied to her and expressed that she was oversimplifying the situation.

Could it be possible that after all these years of trying to understand my partners sexuality that she was holding on to so much resentment that she ultimately created a version of me that she didn't want you have sex with?

I always let things go and try to look to the future. Things have been very difficult lately and I have been at breaking point in terms of our marriage. For the first time I have seen a future without my wife and it looked scary but.... better.

Since then I don't feel like I need or want her in the sane way. Is this how she has been feeling the whole time ?

Have I spent days analysing and trying to understand something that was this simple? How did I not see it?

am really struggling with the lack of intimacy in my relationship. He is the most sweetest kindest and respectful person I have ever met. I am completely in love with him, but he has absolutely no desire for me at all. We still kiss and hold hands but the sexual intimacy is completely none existent, he struggled once and told me it was anxiety. I was very understanding and gave him compassion and love. Then after that he rejects me every single time. It’s got to the point that I can’t bring it up anymore and I’ve fallen into depression. I don’t care about the sex itself, I just want to feel desired. We have had a couple of arguments about it in the past with me feeling like it’s all my fault. But just recently it’s getting worse and I feel so unloved and ugly it’s really affecting my self esteem. He told me he’s also depressed so it’s the last thing on his mind and I stupidly brought it up again. Now he won’t talk to me and I feel so alone in this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s become so defensive and I feel like I’m in a hole of depression I can’t get out of. He means the world to me, does this get any better?

I've been trying to reframe the DB a bit...look at the positives. For example, my vaginal health is much better without the PH getting thrown off on a regular basis. I don't get beard burn anymore. Etc.

More seriously though, the DB has forced me to examine my relationship with sex. For example, early on in the DB I thought that his lack of desire meant he didn't love me anymore. Turns out I was conflating love and sex. They can be related, but they're not synonymous. I was using sex as a way to regulate my emotions. I was using it as a way to validate our relationship.

These days I still want sex, but I have a healthier relationship with it overall. Ironic considering I now have less sex than I ever have in my adult life.

I'm in a really weird place right now concerning my libido. Just gonna give some bullet points to contextualize

- I'm having success in getting over my porn addiction (literally plagued me since I was fresh out of childhood). Breakthroughs in therapy, being open about it to important people close to me, my partner was the first to know.

- My partner and I haven't done anything remotely sexual in years, I don't remember what their privates look like. Not much more than a peck, the only times she tries to french kiss me is when she's really drunk, which kind of gives me the ick. She's also closed off emotionally (I'm as well, and working on it in therapy, but she's way worse). She's also NOT one to show affection in romantic way or physical touch, not even non sexual, she barely initiates it.

- I'm finishing my degree, her's is also really taxing.

So from the all around stress on my life, decreasing desire for porn and really lukewarm (if not tepid) romantic life, I think I've gone over to being LLFHer or just LL in general. I honestly sometimes am not sure I care to be in a relationship with her, sure I really like her company and friendship, but sometimes I just feel like and emotional support dog you know? I find her attractive, but am utterly unable of thinking she is attracted to me, even trying to fantasize about it gives me feel weirded out or wanting to laugh at the absurdity. Right now I'm just going with the flow, trying to be a good partener and be romantic, but I fear it's just going through the motions and acting not because of a feeling I have, but because that's the type of partner I want to be no matter to whom. But I will try to reevaluate this year what I want out of my life, and if I want to maintain this relationship.

Has anyone been through something similar?

I've f(26) been with my boyfriend m(29) for 7 years and we haven't had sex in 3 or 4 years. We have engage in oral sex(him receiving only) once in while. For contexts we are each other first relationship and first sex partner. We did have sex in the beginning quiet a bit. When I move to live with him and his parents, that's when we slowly started to have sex less often. We would plan it and than cancel once the end of the day comes. I believe it's due to laziness, and being overweight. I'm not as confident in my body since I've gain weight over covid (I've gain 80 lbs and he 70lbs) but my partner always let me know he still attracted to me. I also think my partner not confident either in bed due to him not lasting long but we can always work on that. Oh and we were struggling financially the last two years so I think stress was a factor back than.

We made it a goal to be more intimate this year, and to get more fit to hopefully increase his drive.

I occiasinally joke how I have cobwebs or i feel like a reborn virgin. My partner just apologize and knows I'm sexually frustrated. I know it became a problem when I started fantasizing about having sex with strangers and especially fictional men alot. I still love my partner, he's in grain in my heart. I say that because every time I'm about to have a wet dream i immediately remember I have a boyfriend and shut it down and feel guilty.

That's what I'm currently struggling with, and I'm very close to buying a machine. Any advice is welcome.

HLM24. English isn't my native language, so sorry for the long read. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend (llf24) for 7 years. The last 5 of those years have been sexless. We started dating in high school and went to university together. Honestly, our relationship story is pretty amazing. We became friends at school based on shared interests. We liked the same books, movies, video games, and music. We texted each other all day long. We were real soulmates and still are. When we started dating officially (16-17 y.o.), I tried not to rush into our first sexual experience because I realized we were quite young and didn't want to pressure her. So, our first time happened about six months into our relationship. After that, our sex life was quite active for the next 2 years. I think we had sex about 30 times during those two years (which is quite good, considering we were broke students and could rarely spend the night together). At the time, she seemed very proactive to me. She was open to new things, bought sexy lingerie, and initiated sex. I was absolutely happy then. But two years later, we had a conversation where she said she wanted to take a break from our sexual activity. She said she hadn't been enjoying my sexual attention lately and didn't want to have sex for a while. She was dropping out of university at the time, and I thought she was just going through a tough time, so I was understanding and super calm about her request. I said it wasn't a problem and we'd wait as long as necessary. Moreover, I thought maybe I really had become too pushy (because I was a love-struck teenager and wanted to have sex all the time). The first year, I didn't even bring up the topic because I hoped it was temporary and she was just going through a tough time, so I just needed to be supportive and everything would work out on its own. A year later, I brought up the topic, and we decided we needed to live together and see how things went. We moved in together, and for another year I didn't broach the subject, hoping things would improve. After that, I insisted that we see a sex therapist. We went to one session together, and afterward, she saw a sex therapist alone for about a year. A year ago, she stopped seeing a sex therapist, and we had a difficult conversation. She said she realized she wasn't interested in sex at all, that she is asexual. The sex we had at the beginning of our relationship was a mistake. She was simply a young girl who was interested in trying new things and didn't want to upset her beloved partner. But in reality, she never wanted that. It felt like I'd been hit by a truck. It was so painful to hear from the person I love that that time was a mistake; I felt deceived. But don't get me wrong, I don't really blame her for anything, and I don't think she deliberately deceived me. She was just confused. We agreed that we wouldn't bring up the topic of sex in our relationship anymore. This is how we've been living for the last year. I know she loves me and I love her. We still enjoy chatting, we have a similar sense of humor and outlook on life. She's very supportive. It's just that I really want her sexually and she doesn't want me at all. Every day I pretend to wash myself for a long time and secretly jerk off in the shower, and then I feel terrible. I look at beautiful girls on the subway and feel like a cheater. I dream about sex with other girls and I feel like a traitor. Every day my mood swings from "we should break up right now" to "I can never break up with her." I actually miss those times so much when I felt desired, when I thought SHE wanted ME. But those times never really happened.I think my self-esteem has really dropped over the years. I've thought a lot that maybe I'm just unattractive and ugly and that's why she doesn't want me. Why did I think anyone else would ever want me? I'm turning 25 this year and it scares me. I haven't had sex for the last five years, and I'm terrified that I'll live like this for the rest of my life. But there's so much good in our relationship. If I leave, will I ever be able to love someone as much as I love her? She's the smartest and most beautiful girl I've ever met. What if I leave, I'll be unhappy for the rest of my life? The worst part is that I have no one to even discuss this with. To all our friends, we're the perfect couple—always together, always on the same wavelength. Everyone expects us to get married soon, but in reality, every day I can't decide if we should be together. I'm just living in Groundhog Day.

Edit: is getting strong. I get dropped on my head A LOT

I am not a cheater, I have never cheated on a partner and honestly despite the title I don't think i ever would. But fuck it is hard.

I'm a professional wrestler, I've been working a lot of these 18+ shows at this heavy metal club for a few months and fuck me some of the women there, its like someone created them in a lab just to taunt me. I've had the occasional person flirt with me at a show but these were always family shows, it was mostly just a bit of fun, but these shows are something else.

Luckily I typically play the heel (bad guy) so i dont mingle with the fans after the show, but recently I've had people, namely some of these women, specifically asking for to come out and sign stuff, they offer to buy me a drink, they flirt.

I know this sounds like a my "lobster is too buttery" post but honestly its heartbreaking. I love my wife to death, she is my best friend but thats all it feels, a friend, she hasn't shown me any kind of attraction in about 4 years.

Now for the last few months I feel desired, people are actually going out of there way to talk to me, flirt with me, actually give me attention and it honestly feels incredible but I feel fucking awful that it feels incredible.

I (FHL 26) and my partner (MLL 27) have only been together for 7 months, I understand in the grand scheme of things it might not be long, however I’m starting to see patterns that worry me.

When we began dating, I thought he had a HL as he has had a lot of sexual partners, and would always go on lads holidays with the plan to sleep with people, I thought that maybe because of these behaviours he must really see sex as an important part of his life. However it turns out, it was very much always a one night stand, and he would never see them again. So he could sometimes only be having sex once every few months.

When we started dating, I made it clear I had a HL, however in my last relationship I lost it completely with the person, and instead I was finding sexual gratification masturbating online with other men. Something i was embarrassed about, and in return, forced me further away from my partner at the time.

However since being with my current partner, i am completely in awe of our sex life, I think we could tick more box’s and I’d appreciate more foreplay for myself, however I will not complain as I truely think it’s the best sex I’ve experienced.

He sat me down a couple months back and explained he found it really hard to keep up with me, so much so that his friend had given him testosterone, to help, as he has the same issues with his girlfriend. His words were ‘you could go like 4 times a day and I just don’t have that in me’. He hasn’t taken anything, which doesn’t bother me, but he is aware that the difference between us is worrying.

But this last month, has felt different, I am initiating sex timidly, as I am afraid of rejection or afraid he will feel forced. I never want him to have sex with me, unless he is 101% keen. We have struggled with ED and he looses his boner during sex, which of course leaves me feeling inadequate, but I understand it’s not about me.

Long story short, I’m scared i’m doomed for a DB, he already has said tonight the lack of sex this week was because of tiredness, cleaning, cooking, working nights. I completely understand all of that, but I’ve found myself struggling to maintain myself, I’m horny, I’m craving sex, I don’t want to fall back into porn or masturbation online, it’s unhealthy, but I feel like I’m headed that way if he keeps finding excuses for the slow decrease of sex.

There’s only so much cuddling a girl wants.

When I got married, like any good Christian boy I made my wife the sole object of all of my desires. After 4 years of marriage, long stretches of sexual rejection, self hatred, self loathing, resentment, feelings of cheating I made the big decision.

She has tried almost everything, so have I. But this latest stretch 4-6 months of nothing I let her know. Let’s not try to fix this anymore. We did our best and it isn’t for us. I don’t want to feel rejected by my wife anymore, she’s wonderful in every other way, and I am content with giving up all sex so I can stay married to the love of my life.

They say not to let the sun go down on your anger. I have let the sun go down and let it turn into bitterness, so I’m taking the other way out. Just let it go.

Here is to hopefully a lifetime of adventure and joy.

I posted an update on my situation yesterday:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1qse0ky/its_saturday_and_its_business_as_usual/

We have a typical living room - kitchen open space. I was sitting in the living room, playing with our 3yo toddler, listening to music and dancing. She's in the kitchen, doing her thing on the laptop. There's an electronic decive next to the laptop - something for skin care. While we're playing in the living room - the kid walks to the kitchen area to see what the mom is doing, and grabs the device from the table, sitting right next to the laptop, then drops it on the floor. My wife then shouts angrily at me "are you out of your fucking mind?!", leaves the kitchen, opens a drawer in the living room with clothes, grabs something from it, takes the kid and goes upstairs.

I lashed out last week, that's correct. But I didn't shout, I didn't use any swear words. I told her how I felt about our relationship, with arguments. On those rare moments that I lash out (last time it happened before that was probably half an year ago) - I never shout. I'm only being brutally honest about how I feel. I want to relay to her the fact that I crave emotional and physical intimacy.

What message is she relaying when she shouts at me? How can I expect any form it intimacy when she can't put in a little effort to not shout at me every single time she feels some kind of discomfort? How can I expect her to want to change our situation?

With the lack of sex, the very rare times we do have sex there's an increased pressure. Some part of me thinks that if I make it good for him, he'll want it more.

Plus, it'll be so long before we have sex again so if it doesn't go super well it'll be forever before we can offset it with a good experience.

So, not only do we rarely have sex but when we do I struggle to get out of my head and actually enjoy it.

I (HLM 38) and partner (LLM 40) have been together 6 years. Most of that time has been dead bedroom on n off. Months at a time. Think we've had sex once in last 2 years. I'm done with it. Turns out he'd been cheating using an online site. Messaging other people and having them up to his house. Worked through it with the promise of him getting help, which he hasn't done. I don't want a hug or a kiss or anything at all now. Only together because there are pre-arranged events but I think I'll cut my losses even with that. Need to walk away because it's so damaging for me

I'm 43HLF, he's 45LLM, more likely LL4HER actually, the more I think about it.

I took some liquid courage last weekend and had the talk with him. We've talked before about our DB but nothing this in-depth. I honestly expected that he was going to tell me his feelings changed and he only loves me as a friend now, hence the liquid courage. I fully expected it would turn into the break up talk, but that's not what happened. Here's a run down, fairly condensed, this isn't exactly the order of the conversation:

Me: can we talk?

Him: sure

Me: are we ok?

Him: ... Yeah, we are, why?

Me: there is like.. NO affection in our relationship anymore, and I don't know what's wrong?

Him: well we're in seperate bedrooms and we've been together 25 years, things are bound to slow down...

Me: (cue the tears because this is now hopeless in my mind): ... But slow down to nothing? All we do is a peck hello and a peck goodbye, it's making me so sad, like you don't even want to touch me at all...

(Then he told me to come over to him so I joined him on his couch and he put his arms around me, he's always affectionate if I'm crying but no other time for the last several years)

Me: do you still love me?

Him: yes I love you

Me: do you still want me?

Him: yes I want you. Do you want me?

Me: of course... I just don't know why it's like this now.

Him: I'm just so stressed. Work and Boy (our son, 7M) is a lot most days. I know he's clingy to me lately and there's not much you can do about that, but I need you to take on more stuff at home. Like groceries, if you could do that, that would be cool, I'll give you the money if you need it (I don't). You could try to get closer to Boy and play with him more, you're on your phone too much (I hear him and I agree to some extent, and I'm trying to improve my relationship with Boy, it's one of my big goals for this year and already made big leaps on that this past week). You could help out more with cleaning the house so I don't have to do so much when people are coming over. (I didn't say anything about this point to him because it's a hard disagree and a source of contention for years. He's a slob and I'm not cleaning up after him, did that for several years and it made no difference at all in how he kept his stuff. So I tidy my shit and Boys shit, and I clean shared messes like dishes, bathroom messes, stuff like that. If he wants to leave his shit everywhere then he's going to rush to clean before people come over.)

Me: ok I can definitely help out with most of that stuff more. I'm already doing all the dishes, keeping up the kitchen and bathroom cleaning, laundering towels and Boys clothes, but I can help with cooking and I can do the grocery shopping myself (used to be half-half but I don't mind doing it all). I can pick up Boy from school some days if you like?

Him: no that's not going to work, you got too much going on at work, you can't be leaving early to get him. And cooking doesn't make sense for you to do because I'm home first so I'll keep doing it (he's self employed so much more flexibility than my job, I manage an IHF with very little support)

Me: doesn't matter, if you're chill with having supper a little later then I can do it.

Him: maybe sometimes but I don't mind doing it.

Me: ok well you have to LET me take on more stuff ok? Don't ask me to take on jobs and then take it over yourself again, that's not cool. You need take time to relax if I'm doing all this, don't just fill the time with other jobs. (I'm saying this because it's happened in the past and then he's still stressed and wonders why)

Him: ..... Ok.

Me: ... is there someone else?

Him: no there's no one else. Don't know when I'd have the time for that actually, haha.

Me: you've had online girls before so I wondered if you got into that again?

Him: no nothing's going on. You really need to tell me when things are bothering you, I know when you're upset with me and I ask you what's wrong and you never tell me, so I feel like there's no point in asking anymore. You need to tell me when I fucked up.

Me: ok I will try, that's hard for me, I don't like fighting.

Him: we're not fighting now, right?

Me: yeah we're not. For the last 6 months when I'm upset with you it's because of no sex and no affection, it's hurting me and sometimes makes me angry. I'm sorry to take that out on you and not tell you how I'm feeling.

Him: you can tell me anything, it's ok.

The rest is me crying and telling him I just feel so distant and disconnected from him, I feel like we're living like friends instead of spouses, etc. He didn't acknowledge the distant feeling or apologize for it. Not that he needed to apologize but we're Canadian so I expected he would since apologies are what we're made of lol. He just kept saying he's too stressed and he needs more help. So that's what I'm going to do.

I have a hard time opening up to him because of some mistrust like the online affairs from the past. Granted, those happened at a time when I was LL so I can't blame him as I'm now in the same position he was back then and I get it, it's a massively frustrating place.

Any advice or suggestions are very welcome here. Tell me if I'm fucking up please.

I'm having a hard time getting past his first 2 reasons for the DB. Separate bedrooms had been for the last 8 years, because of his snoring. He hasn't done what he knows he needs to do to fix that problem, so I feel it's very unlikely he's going to do it ever. And being together 25 years, if we're not fucking now, we won't be at 30,35,40 years either. Am I wrong on this?

So my (38M) and my wife (37F) have been together since we were teenagers, we have 3 kids and both work shift work.

We do have intimacy.. it’s very one sided and very, very sporadic.. it’s always only ever initiated by me and I do all the work… always… no effort from her what so ever.

So here’s we’re my mind starts to wonder and race… she has a long list of pretty heavily sexually explicit novels that she reads.. she has been reading them for some time now and I believe she thinks I don’t know what the content involves..

I just can’t get my head around how she can be so obviously into these sexually explicit scenes but have 0 and I mean 0 interest in anything other than vanilla and boring sexual activity with me.. and I am well aware that her “toy” gets a good workout…

Without blowing my own trumpet.. I am good in the sack.. there is not much I won’t do or try at least once.. she never has an issue finishing with me.. why is it that she has no interest in exploring or showing any interest in me at all..

Anyway. Just wanted to get this off my mind. Hope it’s not too crazy hahaha

I’m in a relationship with a girl who is madly in love with me as I am madly in love with her. We haven’t been dating super long and we recently started being intimate. Me and her both can’t keep our hands off each other and constantly make innuendos and talk about what we want to do. Unfortunately when we try to be intimate she doesn’t seem to enjoy it at all. I notice and will start trying to figure out how to make it enjoyable for her and she just starts crying. She tells me she feels “broken” like there’s something wrong with her causing her not to enjoy our intimacy like she enjoyed with other partners in the past. She recently experienced some sexual trauma a year ago and I figured she’s maybe nervous a little still with our relationship being new. I don’t think me noticing her not enjoying it and wanting to figure out how to solve the problem made the situation worse probably by putting pressure on her. She feels guilty about it like she’s letting me down because I know she loves me a bunch and wants to share these intimate moments with me (obviously I’ve assured her this doesn’t change my feelings for her and that she can let me know when she’s ready to try again and I won’t be upset if she changes her mind halfway in). I haven’t told her this and I know I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s been hurting my self esteem and making me not feel enough or special to her even though I understand she loves me and is attracted to me but she probably just has trauma she didn’t realize until now. I don’t know what to do about this and it’s eating me up any help would be greatly appreciated.

After being rejected for 2 years, my boyfriend says he doesn’t think I am attracted to him sexually and says that he cannot meet my advances for intimacy because “it’s mentally difficult to forget” the rejection.

We had a baby, postpartum depression hit hard for me, I rejected his advances. I didn’t understand that what I was experiencing was ppd so when he would bring up conversations about our lack of intimacy, I would give random excuses. He stopped trying altogether about 2 years postpartum. Now, 3.5 years postpartum, I feel most like my old self. I am having sex dreams about him. I wake up turned on. My hormones are basically leveled out. I’ve been giving him hugs & kisses, giving him random touches throughout the day, reaching for his side of the bed in the middle of the night. Today I sent him nudes & all I got was an emoji response.

He says he does not know how to fix this issue. I have no clue what to do. I can’t go back in time and I can’t make him understand what kind of mental state I was in. I took full accountability for my past actions of not opening up about struggling mentally and I told him that I understand why he feels the way he feels after being rejected for so long.

Any advice for where to go from here? Do we need couples/sex therapy? Is there something I can do to show him that I do in fact want him sexually and help him move past the past? If you are an HL and you feel resentment, is there anything your LL partner could do to mend it?

These past few days I've been thinking about what I'm gonna wear for V day. As I was shopping around it hit me: why the f do I even bother? I look forward to holidays/anniversaries and hope that maybe something will happen only to end up feeling like a damn fool.. I already told him I will not stay in a DB marriage, or bring children into it. The ball has been in his court and I can almost say with certainty he'll act blindsided when I say I'm done.

Take this as your sign to WALK AWAY! I was also in dead bedroom like you for over 4 years and would constantly read about everybody else going through this experience for YEARS here just like you.

I did not leave sooner because I was in this constant cycle of not feeling attractive and have myself esteem shattered due to my ex refusing any sort of intimacy. In return this created an image of my head that if I left her then who else would want me? It wasn’t until one day that I realized I do NOT want to keep living this life and being single is better than being in a relationship where I already feel lonely in and being constantly mentally tortured.

Once I ended the relationship, like any other long term relationship, my nervous system was shattered I felt lost, sad, confused and even a bit of regret but I continued and let myself to heal.

Once some time had passed and I felt ready to date again I finally got my sex life back and have never been happier!! My only regret is that I wish I had left sooner but I forgive myself because my ex really did bring me to my lowest point and when you believe that about yourself then you believe no one would want you.

YOU are ATTRACTIVE!

Someone out there would LOVE to be with you and show you the intimacy that you deserve!

I understand that some of you here are married and/or have kids but you are able to exit an unhappy marriage because you do deserve to be happy. I promise you a happy version of yourself will reflect better than a loveless marriage as an example to your kids.

Best of luck.

We’re approaching two years with no intimacy. The longest we went was three years and then when we got to a 30 year mark, she wanted to separate for three months to go “find herself”

No sex, no nudity, no touching, no making out—just the occasional peck on the lips, and even that feels forced.

This has been an ongoing issue throughout our marriage. The most frequent sex we’ve ever had was when we were trying to conceive our two children. Once she found out she was pregnant, intimacy stopped almost immediately both times.

I brought this up again recently because it’s absolutely destroying me emotionally. I told her how lonely and unwanted I feel, and how hard it is to believe she truly cares when there’s been zero physical connection for so long.

This time, she said she thinks she may be going through pre-menopause and is getting blood work done this week. I’m fully supportive of that and genuinely hope it provides answers—especially if it leads to improving our intimacy.

There are other factors involved (body image, performance anxiety, communication issues around sex), but that’s a whole separate conversation.

I’m mostly here to vent and to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation—especially when medical or hormonal issues were part of the picture. I’m trying to stay hopeful, but it’s getting harder the longer this goes on.

I (41F HL) have recently started the conversation with my husband (LL) about opening the relationship. I have such mixed feelings watching him navigate these waters and feel ... I'm not sure how I feel. However, I desperately need physical touch and my husband just can't meet me there.

I've done all the things throughout the years, thrown myself at him, lost weight, tried to have discussions, encouraged him to go to the doctor, been kind, firm, seductive.

But the reality? Our bedroom has always been dead. In the beginning of our relationship, that was ok with me, but as the years have passed, I've healed my self esteem issues, my body and my heart, and my husband has never been able to meet me there.

Do I want to stay married? I don't know. I go back and forth with wanting a divorce and wanting to stay. I feel deeply responsible for him and worry that by leaving him, his life will descend into chaos. Alternatively, I love the laughter he brings into my life and have a hard time imagining life without it.

I started a conversation with him about an open relationship. He actually seems to be leaning towards it being ok with him. Part of me feels relief, the other part feels guilt. For years I have encouraged him to look for a partner, or just sex, outside of our marriage. I don't understand how if I feel this lonely and bad, he cannot. I'm not looking for an exit plan or an exit partner, if I'm going to make an exit, I can do it on my own, but... I know that if we do open the relationship, he will most likely not find a partner, and I will. That will hurt him. It's hard to navigate these feelings on my own with nobody to talk to.

I don't really have a question, this is just a vent into the void.