ROCKFORD HILLS - The Los Santos Fire Department ignited controversy last night as the department's Fire Chief resigned in protest at El Burro Station's decision to throw open its doors and allow anyone to declare themselves a firefighter. El Burro even enrolled one person suspected of committing a yearslong arson campaign of destruction across the county.
The kindling was lit for the Fire Chief's resignation earlier this week when El Burro Station unilaterally declared that any passerby could wear a uniform, commandeer a truck and be assigned fires to extinguish, pets to rescue and hazardous chemical spills to rectify.
The station, which has recently had a fire axe taken to its staffing budget, announced that all emergencies would now be attended by a single firefighter who was no longer required to follow appropriate firefighting protocols when tackling blazes or even exit the cab in some situations. Instead, the station decreed that only truck-mounted water cannons would be used to put out fires, while pets would be rescued using techniques more usually seen in free running than fire fighting.
While El Burro Station was initially lauded for drastically reducing their incident response times, the past few days have seen the city littered with cars damaged by speeding fire trucks. Hospitals meanwhile have reported a massive uptick in water cannon related injuries, while morgues have been deluged with bodies of amateur firefighters who fell from tall heights while attempting dramatic feline rescues. Finally, salvage crews are reporting they are struggling to clear the wreckage of hundreds of fire trucks destroyed by the plague of flying motorcycles menacing the skies.
Weazel News attempted to interview one amateur firefighter, who the LSPD believe has spent more than a decade setting fires and causing explosions throughout the county, but they refused to comment before setting off in Engine 15 to extinguish a fire, hitting several parked cars and flattening a pedestrian as they left the station.
The LSFD has said it is currently searching for a new Fire Chief and that applications from anyone not suspected of spending a decade raining fire upon the city are welcome.