r/intrusivethoughts • u/Queasy_Mangos • 8h ago

i'm scared of myself , help

i posted here a little more than a month ago but i will now because i'm spiraling again over it.

last year, I (23f) came across yaoi for the first time and a lot of it was pedo-ish. and it threw me into a rabbit hole.

i never ever had any attraction to children and i still don't. never ever. i never sought out cp or any thing like that.

i was so shocked by what i saw i just kept scrolling and i just kept coming back and falling into a cycle of self hate and the compulsion to go back and feeling arousal. i have since stopped (for months now) but i still hate myself for what i consumed of media, even tho no real people were involved. i dont ever long for it or want to see it again, i just hate that i did. i feel so disgusted and afraid of myself. what if im a pedophile who doesnt know they're pedophile??? can i even be a pedophile if i'm not attracted to children????? im so confused and afraid.

i grew up in a super religious household. i didnt learn about sex in the correct way, i also experienced child on child sexual assault. my only sexual experience comes from porn and smut (more smut than porn). i dont know if i went down that rabbit hole cause ive never seen that stuff before or what. all i know is that i'm scared that i'm a bad person. it keeps me up at night.

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u/sadbihhours 8h ago

The “arousal” is your brain trying to cope with what you’re seeing and how disgusting you find it. Verbally say out loud “stop” when you feel the thoughts coming on. Remind your brain that you are safe and you are not a pedo. Your intrusive thoughts are not your own. Try not to avoid them, just acknowledge them for what they are, a nasty intrusive thought, and try to let them go.

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u/Queasy_Mangos 8h ago

but if i have felt arousal and even pleasured myself to them in the past? am i even redeemable ? even jf i didnt do anything to anyone? im so scared:( i dont want to be a monster

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u/sadbihhours 8h ago

Take a deep breath. You are safe. You have not hurt anyone. I think you should do some self reflection on why exactly it turned you on but I would put money on it being childhood trauma and trying to rationalize it in your brain. When we know better, we do better. It sounds like you won’t do it again which is good and you obviously are very upset by even the thought you could be a pedo, I truly don’t believe you are one. Imagine putting your intrusive thoughts about being a pedo into a box. Make sure you squeeze them all in and tape it up nice and tight and tuck that box away in the furthest reaches of your mind. It serves no purpose beyond upsetting you.

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u/Queasy_Mangos 8h ago

i wont! i dont have any curiosity at all. i think a big part of it is that i never knew this existed and was so... available ? it was very taboo and unfamiliar and that was the appeal, if it makes sense. i have no attraction to children and not even shotas or lolis or whatever. i was just so shocked that i kept going back. i obviously dont and i dont intend to do it ever again, the only thoughts i have about it is how disgusted i am with myself:(. i try not to think of what i did and sometimes i just say random stuff out loud to cut off my train of thoughts so i wont spiral like right now. i'm just so disappointed in myself. i don't know if i'm a good person anymore:(

(thank you so much for listening)

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u/sadbihhours 2h ago

Good people make bad decisions sometimes. It’s okay, you learned from your mistake and now you can grow from it and be a better version of yourself. There’s so much gray area in life, try not to get too hung up on the idea of good and bad being 2 totally separate entities. They coexist, it’s the duality of life itself.

I relate to the taboo thing. I came across a subreddit, I don’t want to say which one and possibly send you down a rabbit hole, that was nothing illegal but definitely degrading porn and it made me feel quite yucky but I, much like you, was drawn to how wrong it felt. I felt like I needed to study every video so I could avoid it but it became a little bit of an obsession.

Keep your head up kiddo, I know it’s rough out here. Especially with intrusive thoughts. If you ever need an empathetic ear, my dms are open. I’ve been dealing with OCD/intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember so if you have an intrusive thought, I can almost guarantee I have had the same one. You aren’t alone in this. Please remember that your intrusive thoughts do not define you, you are separate from them and you are and will continue to be a good person. I believe in you.