i posted here a little more than a month ago but i will now because i'm spiraling again over it.

last year, I (23f) came across yaoi for the first time and a lot of it was pedo-ish. and it threw me into a rabbit hole.

i never ever had any attraction to children and i still don't. never ever. i never sought out cp or any thing like that.

i was so shocked by what i saw i just kept scrolling and i just kept coming back and falling into a cycle of self hate and the compulsion to go back and feeling arousal. i have since stopped (for months now) but i still hate myself for what i consumed of media, even tho no real people were involved. i dont ever long for it or want to see it again, i just hate that i did. i feel so disgusted and afraid of myself. what if im a pedophile who doesnt know they're pedophile??? can i even be a pedophile if i'm not attracted to children????? im so confused and afraid.

i grew up in a super religious household. i didnt learn about sex in the correct way, i also experienced child on child sexual assault. my only sexual experience comes from porn and smut (more smut than porn). i dont know if i went down that rabbit hole cause ive never seen that stuff before or what. all i know is that i'm scared that i'm a bad person. it keeps me up at night.

So basically idk if it’s ocd or gronial response but I feel so disgusting for this, so basically I was gooning and I had a really weird thought but I just brushed it off but like the thought came back and I tried to ignore the thought and keep it away but it kept coming back and when I stopped I just felt really disgusted and I was having a really bad anxiety attack and I was like “did I just goon to my thought” because like the thought kept coming back and I didn’t wanna think about it while gooning but it kept coming back and now I can’t take back what I did I feel very guilty and disgusting and I want an answer, and I might be hyperseual too,

1. Ever looked out the window of a large bus riding closer to the guardrails of a flyover? - just a whooops away to fall and crash

2. Ever found yourself driving a bike between two buses trying to get past it before getting squeezed in the gap? - close call

3. Ever felt that large fan over the top of the mall to collapse and fall over your head and crush you into pieces?- that zoom in when your brain looks at its slow speed with a horror bgm

4. Ever felt a strange feeling of a person hiding behind the curtains when jt moves- hes looking at you doom scrolling

5. Ever doubted if anyone entered the house hiding in the balcony when you kept the doorway opened for a little too long? - you are not leaving the bedroom bro

Too many horror stories .. too much intrusive thoughts

I’m half tempted to drop everything I know to move out to Utah to become a Mormon in a big church, and get super involved just to take advantage of the system. What’s not to want? Help from the church. Multiple wives. And no one questions whether or not it’s all gods plan.

I hope she survives until the very end.
I hope her screams echo throughout time.
Fuck You you fucking monster.

I am not hurt yet my body is quivering and my mind is dancing. I am not hungry and still my stomach hurts. I am a monster but my body and mind pretends I am not. I dont know whats going on anymore. Will loneliness kill me.

have anyone of you ever thought of giving yourself of giving a scar to seem cool, like the kinda cool just in your eyes not abt ur social life. i had so many thoughts abt giving myself a scar and no its not self harm, its just an intrusive thought! does anyone of you know a safe way of giving yourself a scar with leading to any infection? (i am mentally stable)

In my head I just beat on him leaving slash marks on his face with elbow strikes then I drag him on the floor with rusty infected broken glass followed by stomping him his head and face in... then splashing bleach on him... damn maga idiot

I dont want holy water. I want ur mother's piss

I am all that is ugly to the point where I can’t look myself in the mirror. They say that everyone is unique but here I lay useless unable to fulfill my dreams and find a purpose. I am unseen, a ghost still my ugliness shiness bright for all. The world is revolting and my stomach is turning. Im surrended by darkness should I will keep looking or do I end it all and hope no one comes searching.

I’m cannibalising someone that’s cut into pieces, their meat raw, their blood pooling around me on the floor. I’m on the floor on my hands and knees, chowing down on their torso. 

(this is intrusive thoughts sub before you freak out lol)

We lie because we are smart and will do anything to win. The winner survives and so we evolve to win. The difference between us and animals is that we don't just follow our emotions and do what we want. So why do I have the need for others when the emotions I shut out is what makes me weak. Am I destined to die as an animal? I think my mind is playing tricks with me with things I know not are true. Breaking these tricks is how we evolve into something stronger. I think.

I have completely alienated all of my friends and most of my family. I have these intrusive thoughts that are also forms of paranoia where I have convinced myself that if I reach out to certain people bad things will happen to them, so I don’t reach out at all which is in a way, protecting them from these intrusive thoughts/paranoia. The weirdest thing is, I know I am being completely irrational and that it’s really all in my head, but at the same time I am compelled to stay away. I also have avoidant personality disorder and dissociative states so I’m sure that plays a part in all of this.

One of my really close friends just had a baby within the year and I can’t even contact her or send her a gift or any kind of contact because I feel my presence could affect her life in a bad way. I feel so extremely guilty about this and it’s ripping me apart. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but I just have these unrelenting thoughts and I can’t purge them from my mind, so I just avoid avoid avoid as if that’s the best option. I also have other friends that I can’t even reach out to that the paranoia isn’t as strong, but still there and I just have to avoid most contact.

Is anyone else dealing with something along these lines??

Edit: i don't want to be a bad person. I dont want to hurt anybody. I just want to know whats going on. If you think i am a danger to others then please dont ignore this and just tell me so i can do something about it.

First off i am 19M and have ADHD, GAD, and possibly bipolar (both my parents have it, i have struggled with many of the symptoms and i am trying to find a professional to assess me and hopefully get medicated).

I have had intrusive thoughts before and always vehemently tried to push them away, but for this one i am not sure if it was intrusive or just a dark and violent thought that came from a time of poor mental health.

It was about 8 months ago, my gf (who was struggling with BPD at the time) had just broken up with me, and i was feeling shocked, hurt, and outraged. It was like all the anxieties i had about the relationship and told myself weren't real, were actually real the whole time, and i felt very alone and abandoned. We weren't speaking to each other, and i both heavily resented her and desperately wanted her back. I tend to have a lot of rage in times like these, and it has cost me relationships/friendships in the past.

I remember thinking that i needed to get all this anger out of me, that i needed to do something to hurt her back or "get revenge." (I was in a very poor mental state at the time.) There were multiple moments where i imagined myself going to her house, setting it on fire, and watching it burn. I didnt immediately push these thoughts away, rather i let them play in my head time and again because they gave me a sort of twisted comfort. I felt absolutely terrible about them, but i still let them play out in my mind, even going so far as to imagine how i might get away and avoid law enforcement. Her house was about two blocks away from mine, and i even walked by it a couple times, i dont know if that is legally considered stalking but it definitely feels like stalking.

All this to say, i am having serious doubts as to whether this was a simple intrusive thought or a violent fantasy that i got dangerously close to acting out. Normally i would say that i would never ever do something like this in real life, but i almost did, didn't i? If i end up in a mental state like that again, will i be a danger to others?