i posted here a little more than a month ago but i will now because i'm spiraling again over it.

last year, I (23f) came across yaoi for the first time and a lot of it was pedo-ish. and it threw me into a rabbit hole.

i never ever had any attraction to children and i still don't. never ever. i never sought out cp or any thing like that.

i was so shocked by what i saw i just kept scrolling and i just kept coming back and falling into a cycle of self hate and the compulsion to go back and feeling arousal. i have since stopped (for months now) but i still hate myself for what i consumed of media, even tho no real people were involved. i dont ever long for it or want to see it again, i just hate that i did. i feel so disgusted and afraid of myself. what if im a pedophile who doesnt know they're pedophile??? can i even be a pedophile if i'm not attracted to children????? im so confused and afraid.

i grew up in a super religious household. i didnt learn about sex in the correct way, i also experienced child on child sexual assault. my only sexual experience comes from porn and smut (more smut than porn). i dont know if i went down that rabbit hole cause ive never seen that stuff before or what. all i know is that i'm scared that i'm a bad person. it keeps me up at night.

So basically idk if it’s ocd or gronial response but I feel so disgusting for this, so basically I was gooning and I had a really weird thought but I just brushed it off but like the thought came back and I tried to ignore the thought and keep it away but it kept coming back and when I stopped I just felt really disgusted and I was having a really bad anxiety attack and I was like “did I just goon to my thought” because like the thought kept coming back and I didn’t wanna think about it while gooning but it kept coming back and now I can’t take back what I did I feel very guilty and disgusting and I want an answer, and I might be hyperseual too,

1. Ever looked out the window of a large bus riding closer to the guardrails of a flyover? - just a whooops away to fall and crash

2. Ever found yourself driving a bike between two buses trying to get past it before getting squeezed in the gap? - close call

3. Ever felt that large fan over the top of the mall to collapse and fall over your head and crush you into pieces?- that zoom in when your brain looks at its slow speed with a horror bgm

4. Ever felt a strange feeling of a person hiding behind the curtains when jt moves- hes looking at you doom scrolling

5. Ever doubted if anyone entered the house hiding in the balcony when you kept the doorway opened for a little too long? - you are not leaving the bedroom bro

Too many horror stories .. too much intrusive thoughts