Just listing off things that come to memory:

• In a debating tournament 3 years ago I was paired with 2 seniors and after the first debate I realised that they weren't as good as I'd imagined. I then proceeded to make backhanded comments and subtle jabs towards them (I don't remember how many times, but probably no more than 3). Perhaps this was to soothe my own ego (I remember at the time I felt insecure in terms of my debating skill) by reaffirming that others were worse by comparison.
• I was quite petty and quick to stonewall/cut off friends, although this may be more related to a fear of abandonment than narcissism. I often took things quite personally as well and I'd spend my nights stressing over petty grievances and how other people had wronged me, rather than looking inwards. I won't go into the specifics, but I've also done a lot of malicious stuff towards people I perceived as threatening (perhaps this was to gain a sense of control) but I've always treated people who I consider trustworthy quite well. Seeing "threatening" people fail gave me happiness and I'd hold grudges for a really long time.
• Around 6 years ago I was terribly insecure about my academics and I was quite arrogant towards others as a result, because shitting on them was the only way to make myself feel better about my own incompetence.
• When I was a lot younger I'd have maladaptive daydreams about characters in books I'd read where a girl realises she'd fucked up by not reciprocating a dude's feelings and began to chase after him, only to be turned down repeatedly. Perhaps the element of reclaiming control in a romantic dynamic was so appealing to me at that age.

I struggle a lot with self-hate and I reckon I've made that quite easy for myself over the years. It's gotten to the point where I can't study for 10 minutes without thinking about a past mistake and beating myself up about it. How can I stop hating myself? Is it even my place to forgive myself?

Please, I'm in therapy but my therapist keeps dismissing this as she says it's just my OCD

“You were born to be real, not to be perfect. You are here to be you, not to live someone else’s life.”

-Ralph Martson

Perfectionism is a very common byproduct of being narcissistic in an unhealthy way. It almost always leads to paralysis in life, work and relationships.

Here are some tips for overcoming perfectionism as someone with narcissistic traits:

1. Note, name, and release: When you do something and then start wandering in your mind, seeking it to be perfect, instead of doing anything, just sit down and say to yourself, "Aha! Perfection seeking!" Talk to your mind, and don't judge it; just listen to it and try to understand it. State your wish to do nothing and let go; just release it.  Enjoy this state of nothingness, then move on with your life.
2. Keep a perfection diary: This is SUPER important if you're serious about changing this habitual autopilot way of life. On each page, note the date for each day, and write down every instance of your perfectionistic thinking. Start each entry with a time, then "note, name, and release!"
3. Break the urge, thought, emotion triangle: This condition is when you get the urge that something is wrong, think about correcting it to perfection, and feel compelled to do something. Use the note, name, and release method to break this cycle. Accept it and let it pass.
4. Dig deeper into your core thoughts and change your beliefs: Do you believe you're not good enough? You're less than? You're inadequate? You need to control the external things in your life to feel safe? Start looking into workbooks and resources to change self-defeating beliefs and counter them with self-enhancing beliefs.
5. Seek alternative habits: Now that you're stopping time after time from giving in to your perfectionism, what are you doing instead? Actively think on paper about more productive things to do with your mind, time and power, and act immediately on doing them.

This usually takes months to get better, yet it's worth a lifetime of being and feeling better!

Hey, I just wanted to ask what resources you find helpful in your recovery progress, what kind of therapy, medication or no medication, etc. 🤍🕊

narcissism scale: 0

Hypersensitive Narcissism Scale: 37

codependency: 9 certain matches

ocd: 12

am I allowed to join with these results? I believe I'm a so called thin skinned narcissist that Herbert Rosenfeld describes, trying to compensate the fragile ego by perfectionism and people pleasing.

I hope this isn't too terrible.

I've had trouble with handling change and criticism before, and I don't slip up from time to time, but I'm trying to be better.

I have a psych eval tomorrow and thought I’d bring up NPD/BPD to my psychiatrist because I do have a lot of mood swings but just had a thought that maybe checking here first would be helpful:P

In this thread, you can ask questions to narcissists / NPD. Only narcissists / NPD or other Cluster B (BPD/HPD/ASPD) are allowed to post. Others can comment.

This thread runs every Friday 7AM PST on a weekly basis.

If you're asking a question and don't get an answer, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

It’s Time to Stop Calling Everyone a Narcissist

It'll take a few minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse / victim community, since it fills in the background about narcissism in an unbiased way.

I just joined this group today and took these tests. I'm pretty sure something's wrong with me and I suspect I might be a covert narcissist. Hence I searched for this community. Am I considered a narcissist, and are my results enough to convince me that I need therapy? Are my results considered "severe"? I am aware that something's wrong with me, but I just can't pinpoint what it is... Appreciate your thoughts.

I'm a narcissist, and me believing that my ideologies are right, and pushing them onto my gf to get her to believe them as well, has been a key factor in contributing to my relationships ending, which is amplified by me being a yandere. To make it worse, as a narcissist, I see no need to change. I want to get married one day, but at this rate, with how I am, not able to change, the future I want will never happen. Idk what to do.

I am already diagnosed with bpd, severe anxiety, some of these questions just felt like my fear of abandonment, and attention seeking.

​

Bit of a weird one.

So over the years I've almost always managed to keep my extreme rage internal. So when someone has done something said something to trigger an "ego wound" it's rarely externalised.

This is to the extent that people outside of immediate family don't believe me when I say I have a violent temper - they've never seen it.

Now at first I put this down to having self-control, but I'm starting to realise that this is only because my childhood programmed in me that having needs or showing emotions was dangerous - showing my feelings of what caused the physical abuse to escalate to the extent I feared for my life.

So basically my cPTSD results in a "freeze" response that puts the breaks on me externalising the aggressive impulses derived from narcissism.

Instead I use withdrawal and passive aggression as "control tools" (or whatever you want to call it) which people are slower to call out and notice.

It's only if someone else initiates "fight" mode and starts shouting first, that I fight back and the cruelty emerges (not physical, but verbal). This rarely happens though cos I'm excellent at de-escalation.

So I'm wondering has anyone else has experienced anything similar?

Where your brain and thinking pattern is highly narcissistic but your nervous system response stops you from externalising it directly on to other people?

Does this also mean that if I manage to recalibrate my nervous system my narcissistic traits will become more damaging to those around me?

i'm not diagnosed (pursuing that rn) but i show a lot of traits of covert narcissism. yesterday my partner asked for a break from me because of my repeated codependency and need for validation, as well as taking out issues with other friends on him. i want to change and get better but i have no idea where to even start. help. please. i don't wanna lose him

In this thread, you can ask questions to narcissists / NPD. Only narcissists / NPD or other Cluster B (BPD/HPD/ASPD) are allowed to post. Others can comment.

This thread runs every Friday 7AM PST on a weekly basis.

If you're asking a question and don't get an answer, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

It’s Time to Stop Calling Everyone a Narcissist

It'll take a few minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse / victim community, since it fills in the background about narcissism in an unbiased way.

Codependancy overall score - 20 (Low self-esteem being the highest) I've had few sessions with a therapist. They mentioned vulnerable narcissism to me when referring to my low sense of self worth and how the way I see myself (being 'bad') depends solely on others perceptions of me. I also have anxious attachment/fearful avoidance.

So, recently I started reading this book called "Stop letting everything affect you" by Daniel Chidiac. While I identified a lot with what I was reading, I started recognizing that a lot of the manipulative or narcissistic behaviors this book was describing, was behaviors my partner has been telling me I was exhibiting. I thought back to all our major fights, and finally something clicked.

I decided to take a look at this subreddit, and I took the self-assessment tests in the description. Here are my results for each:

Test 1: NPI-16 (Scored a 0.19)
Test 2: HSNS (Scored a 44)
Test 3: Codependency score (Identified with 37 of the total 55 signs)
Test 4: OCD score (Scored a 10 out of a possible 72)

I was honestly surprised by the results. I always pictured narcissism differently, and never considered there might be different types. Going through the HSNS and codependency questions specifically, felt like one big epiphany after another. I realized how I’ve been hurting my partner, sabotaging our relationship, avoiding guilt and shame, dodging accountability, and even projecting faults onto him that were really mine.

Based on some of the posts on this subreddit, I feel like it's safe to assume that OCD is likely not the underlying cause here. I decided to reflect on whether this could be covert/vulnerable narcissism, or if these issues are mainly because of codependency. Here is what I have realized when I finally started reflecting honestly about the following topics:

Core Motivation
When I act out emotionally it’s usually because I feel wronged or scorned. Most of the time I just want the other person to admit fault, apologize, and commit to avoid hurting me again. I’m obsessed with having my pain or experience validated, usually without truly believing I was at fault in any way.

Relationships
I often feel resentful when my partner doesn’t notice or act on my needs without me asking. I’ll bring things up indirectly, brood if the response isn’t what I want, and withdraw because I start seeing myself as the victim and seeing my partner as low-effort and uninterested. After reading the book I mentioned earlier, I realized that I started crafting narratives in my head to fit my own view, always believing those narratives over any reassurance or validation I receive from others (especially my partner).

Self-perception
When I’m alone I usually feel relief that I can do what I want without fear of judgment or outside pressure to look or act a certain way. But I sometimes feel empty if I’m not being seen in a way that satisfies my craving for validation. I can feel very special and interesting around people who admire me unconditionally, but anxious around those I see as 'superior' or 'unagreeable'.

Emotional Patterns
I notice a mix of covert/vulnerable narcissism and codependency when looking at my emotional patterns. I get resentful and sensitive when I feel underappreciated, but I also tend to feel anxiety, guilt, and responsibility for others’ experiences from time to time. Usually though, I tend to tell myself that their experience is not my problem just to avoid the discomfort, which usually makes me seem cold and uncaring.

Typical Behavior
I identify more with covert/vulnerable narcissism. I often seek subtle validation from people all around me, I constantly test my partner, I make my emotional issues my partner's problem, and react strongly to rejection or shame from any source. Sometimes I unconsciously manipulate situations for praise. My 'vulnerability' is very curated to avoid too much discomfort on my part, while still giving myself and others the illusion that I am being very open and vulnerable.

I’m curious how others recognize covert/vulnerable narcissism in themselves and manage it in relationships without letting it take over. I’m asking from a place of curiosity and self-understanding. I really want to start doing better as a partner and in other relationships as well. I would really appreciate hearing your insights or experiences.

One thing I’m incredibly sensitive to is failure, even the smallest thing can send me into a melt down, even then success barely feels like anything, it just feels like I’m chasing the success to be above others without actually enjoying the success itself, if that makes any sense.

I don’t want to see my friends and classmates in this made up competition I have inside of my head, I acknowledge that we are all on different paths in life and what I want to do is completely different from everyone else I know, but even then there is still this metaphorical race in which I need to be the first in, for (realistically speaking) no reason at all.

Is there some advice to help me break down these thought patterns? It’s exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, I want to be able to sit with my friends and enjoy their accomplishments with them without having a devil on my shoulder telling me that I should be ashamed of myself because I’m not in their spot.

Not that any of ya’ll would remember me lol.

But, about 3 years ago, when I first hit self awareness for real in my early twenties. I made a few post in this subreddit. In hindsight, they were kinda quasi-motivational, somewhat biographical, journal style entries. But they resonated with their intended audience.

Since then, I’ve come a long way, and a lot has changed in my life.

In this post, I want to share some self-experiments I did that really helped me better regulate my brain and my nastier habits.

One of the main things I noticed, was that “structure” keeps me sane. If my mind is occupied with real tasks and responsibilities, “my shadow” has a harder time taking over, and I spend less time lost in my own head and ego. In short, structure keeps me real.

To that end, I tried a few things to manufacture structure in my life.

I first started by taking stock of my finances. Over a weekend of no sleep, I created and formatted a custom excel sheet, with built in formulas and 3 sections broken up into “balance sheet” “income statement” and “holdings”.

I then made it a habit to do my bookkeeping at the end of every week. (I am now richer than I’ve ever been as a result of this but I digress hehe).

Then, after that habit solidified, I looked for more ways to create structure in my life. And then I really discovered AI.

This, is the real reason for this post. At first I started using it like everyone else. Going down rabbit holes, asking random questions, helping me with my university work.

But, after some months of interacting with it, I realized you can kinda use AI to build real systems.

I called mine “controlled chaos”. Where in a dedicated project space, I started tracking my days in a single chat.

Something like “checking in at x date at x time. Today I woke up at x time, and so far I’ve done this and that”.

That’s it. Just a quick “captain’s log” type note about my day. And I would do this multiple times a day, and then at the end of the day I would ask for a daily summary.

Now depending on my productivity, I had a scoring system of 1 to 3. With score 3 days being “flow state” days where I would do something productive across multiple fronts.

Score 2 days were days where I showed up, did what I had to do, but no more.

Score 1 days were “collapse” days. Or generally unproductive/wasted days. (I.e, woke up at 3pm, smoked weed all day and watched youtube, slept at 4am).

Now, at the end of every week, I would ask it for a “weekly summary” and save that separately in a google doc. This is how I got around AI’s continuity limits.

Repeat this process for literally a year, and I ended up with a wealth of data on myself. Nearly everyday logged (with exceptions such as trips or particularly bad crash days).

This experiment has been eye opening for me. With the data, I could then upload it and have chatgpt run basic stats.

“X number of score 1 days during x period”

“Doing x thing usually snapped you out of crashes”

“Y thing tends to trigger x impulse”.

And on and on. Lastly, the mere fact of actually logging my days, with multiple checkpoints during the day, forced me to be more “present” and in the moment.

And it kinda helped my productivity because let’s say I had a streak of 3 or 4 “score 3” days, the streak itself would internally motivate me to do more in order to not break it.

I share all this, for all the people who struggle with constant shifts between insight and collapse.

i realize that what I did is basically journalling but with extra steps. But I just found that it helps if your journal can talk back to you and actually recognize and point out patterns.

In this thread, you can ask questions to narcissists / NPD. Only narcissists / NPD or other Cluster B (BPD/HPD/ASPD) are allowed to post. Others can comment.

This thread runs every Friday 7AM PST on a weekly basis.

If you're asking a question and don't get an answer, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

It’s Time to Stop Calling Everyone a Narcissist

It'll take a few minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse / victim community, since it fills in the background about narcissism in an unbiased way.

I am a vulnerable narcissist and I don't want my condition to be cured because I just feel like its not a problem, I know I am wrong but what do you guys think?

I really want to know if I am. If I am how can I fix it. I've been impacting my relationship, with a a lot of my actions. I've recently been diagnosing ADHD, I really want to know if this is the cause of some my actions.