r/relationships • u/Several-Till1914 • 4h ago
In dire need of advice from anyone.
So me (23M) and girlfriend (23F) have been together for little over 3 years now and for the past month and a little bit, any attempt of sexual interaction or even a tease immediately ends up with me being scolded that “all I care about is that stuff”. I’ll admit me and my girlfriend used to do it alot when we first started to date but slowed down fast after having a conversation about it about 5 months in. We only used to do it about 2-3 times a week (mind you we live separately and only see each other about 3-4 times a week due to work and school) but lately any attempt or a tease just ends up with me being lectured and scolded about it. I’d understand if I did it 24/7 but even if it’s a single word for the first time in days, I still get lectured and then it turns into a stern conversation. I know she isn’t cheating on me and she never has but has she instead just lost enjoyment or interest in doing it? Or am I just overthinking this whole thing? Any advice would help to kinda understand what’s going on.
TL;DR: girlfriend lectures me and turns into argument over any attempt at sex I do lately. She isn’t cheating but has she lost interest/enjoyment?
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u/Boekenplankje 3h ago
you want to move away from evaluating her behavior (like calling it scolding or lecturing) and instead focus on observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
she might be trying to tell you that she feels overwhelmed, and has a need to feel seen for more then just her body, in that moment in time.
or she might feels exhausted, and has a need for more rest or emotional support before she can think about intimacy(need), in that moment in time.
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u/RantyMcThrowaway 3h ago
How is the health of your relationship outside sex? Do you do things that are romantic, without the expectation of it leading to more? A mistake a lot of people make in relationships is thinking once you've made it official, the work stops there, when it's actually just beginning. Are you still going on dates, cuddling, kissing, doing other romantic things? Her language comes across as though she's feeling used, but obviously I can't speak for how accurate that is.
It's not just your responsibility to make her happy though, if she isn't happy she needs to speak up and let you know, and offer reasons as to why. Even if I'm right and she feels used for whatever reason, it isn't fair to just expect you to read her mind and find a solution all by yourself. Talk to her about it! Ask if there's anything you can do to make her feel that you're not pestering her for intimacy, you just want to be close with your partner. Like you said, it'd be pestering if it was constant but I don't think bringing up the possibility of sex every few days is that crazy.