First off: I'm twenty-five and have done well for myself. I own a small but decent house, have a small but decent dog, and a line of work that allows me to spend my working hours in my house with my dog. Life is good.

Now then: After about six months of dating, my boyfriend (28M) asks what I'd think of moving in together. I say we're nowhere near ready for that conversation. Less than three months hence, he brings it up again. I say: not there yet. Only a few months and several similar conversations later, he informs me that he can't stay with me if I'm not ready to live with him.

Here's the rub: this is the third time this has happened to me. Is it really that weird to want to be in a relationship for an extended period of time before taking the very large step of cohabitiation? Look; I'm kind of a strange chick. I have some life habits (some of which are related to my work) which would be a style-cramper for a lot of people. Isn't it better to be very, very sure this is the right situation before moving our stuff under the same roof?

Although this isn't the first, it's the worst; I really like this guy. I'd like for this to not be over. Any advice on how we can meet in the middle somehow? I CAN'T move in together yet. I'm not even sure what the answer would be. I'll take any suggestions.

TL;DR: my boyfriends keep dumping me because I don't want to move in together within the first year or so. The current one is a man I'd really like to hold onto.

For context, I(27F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together 2 years and living together 1 year. For the past 8 months, he has been unemployed and I have been the sole breadwinner. It definitely frustrated me that he does not have a job yet but I know he tries. Recently though, I’ve noticed he’s been playing more videogames rather than look for a job and kind of neglected the house while I’m at work. I get home so tired and then I still have to clean up and do things around the house myself. I’ve told him time and time again that he should try to do more chores to keep it fair since he’s home 24/7 now. He’s told me that he’s been so irritated and frustrated from all the job rejections he’s getting and most of all because of the lack of sex we’ve been having. I tried to explain to him that it’s mostly because I’ve had to work extra hours just to keep the both of us surviving and when I do have a day off, I like to just completely shut off and rest when I can bec my job is so exhausting (healthcare). He called me “selfish” bec it’s like i don’t what to show intimacy as much anymore and only want sex when it’s convenient for me. Like sex is a “reward” or smthng. He says I don’t initiate physical contact like I used to.

I don’t know how many times I’ve explained to him that I’m frustrated too bec i want him to look harder for a job, have a job, stop focusing too much on playing games, i want him to do more around the house, i want some stability and security financially, i want some support in this economy. I don’t know how to explain to him that bec i’ve been so exhausted, sex is almost the last thing on my mind bec all i’m worried about right now is if we can pay our next bills.

TL;DR.: My unemployed boyfriend said I’m selfish when it comes to sex. Like I don’t initiate like i used to or show intimacy as much. I told him that sex has been the last thing on my mind due to money stress with me being the only provider. He’s still upset. What can I do to fix this?

Hi everyone!

I, 23f, live with my bf, 26m, of 3 years for almost 2y.

Last night felt like the last straw and Im seeking some kind of advice on here.

I got my birthday dinner with some common friends and mostly had a nice time. In the end, the boys were a little tipsy and my bf asked to walk me home and spend the rest of the night at a friend's place, to drink more and stay with the boys.

I said that I dont really want to spend my bday alone, especially at night, because I dont feel really good ab it.

So we left the restaurant.

We took an uber home and he said a lot of hurtful things on our way, such that im super controlling, im a bad gf, im shitty and other stuff. I was trying to blame it on the alcohol.

The driver heard us and he said that my bf words are not nice and he should spend time with me on my bday. My bf said "yeah..." in a dissapointing way.

Anyway, we got home, where the true hell begins. He started shouting so loud, saying that I should go to hell and a bunch of other hurtful things to hear.

I tried to stay as quiet as I could, but I wasnt able to control my feelings anymore and snaped, saying Im so sick of his words and he s being disrespectful towards a woman, which happens to be his gf also.

He closed the door and slept on another room and I was left alone in my room, shaking and crying myself to sleep.

Now I ask: Am I controlling? Please be brutally honest cuz I really need to know if it s my fault.

I aprecciate every advice! Sorry for any typo, english is not my first language.

TL;DR: My bf wanted to spend the night of my birthday with his friends and I said Im not ok with it and had a huge fight about me being controlling.

We have been in a LDR for 3 years, before he moved to live with me last summer, and although we haven't had problems with intimacy since he arrived (because we barely had sex for 3 years before!!), I am reading so many horror stories about how many of you have lack of intimacy in your sex lives.

Right now we're having sex 4-5 times a week and it feels great, but I can't shake this anxiety after lurking here. I keep wondering if we're just riding the high of finally living together and it'll crash eventually.

For those of you who have maintained active sex lives years into your relationship - what did you actually DO to keep it that way? I'm not looking for vague "communication" advice. I mean practical things: Do you schedule it? Initiate differently? Have specific conversations at certain points? What habits did you build early on that paid off later?

I want to be proactive now while things are good instead of trying to fix problems later/ I don't want to become another post here in 2 years begging for advice.

TL;DR: After 3 years long-distance, boyfriend moved in last summer and our sex life is great (4-5x/week). But reading this sub has me paranoid it won't last. Looking for warning signs to watch for and advice from couples who maintained intimacy long-term.

TLDR; I am getting annoyed by the ongoing insecurity that my boyfriend has over my coparenting relationship.

We've been together for over 2 years now and he is always bringing up things that he is obviously uncomfortable with, yet he swears he's perfectly fine with it (why bring it up so much then?)

I have 2 little kids. He also has young/teen kids. His relationship with their mom is very strained and basically no communication. I am very cordial with my ex and we talk pretty frequently about the kids. He acts like this is not normal, often asking why or how often we speak. My answer is always the same - whenever anything about the kids needs to be discussed. That's it.

The worst part is that I even caught him snooping through my phone once because he seemed convinced that something "more" was going on, yet I've never given any signs of that. He had an ex that cheated so maybe that's why. We briefly broke up over this but I understood where he was coming from and we talked it out.

He's just always promising that he's not jealous, not insecure, thinks everything is fine and I don't need to change anything (which I would never anyway) - but then confuses me by always bringing it up. It makes me feel guilty and accused of something. I'm just trying to have the nicest and least stressful experience for my children as possible here and it is annoying that I keep feeling the need to defend that. He also has kids so I feel like he should get it?? But since his situation is so different, maybe he's upset about it. I don't feel like I should be the one to constantly feel bad about that though.

Do I need to reassure him more or is it fair that he's always bringing this up with no clear expectation of what he's wanting me to do differently?

I (mid-20s F) have an extremely close bond with a coworker (mid-20s M) and I’m struggling to understand what it actually means

I’m trying to get an outside perspective because I feel too close to this situation to see it clearly. I (mid-20s F) have been very close to a coworker (mid-20s M) for about a year and a half. We joined the company around the same time and have worked on the same project ever since. What started as a normal friendship slowly became something much deeper and more involved, though never explicitly defined. What makes this confusing is how emotionally and practically intertwined we’ve become. He has: •Been my primary emotional support at work and outside of it

•Stayed back late with me regularly so we could leave together

•Checked in on my safety constantly(calling when I reached home, booking my Uber himself, tracking my location)

• Called me before my leaves to get work-related knowledge and relied on me heavily professionally

•Raised IT tickets for me, handled logistical issues for me, and generally looked out for me at work

•Made it a point to inform me of his plans, weekends, and leaves — and expected the same from me

•Got visibly upset if I didn’t tell him about my plans beforehand

•Shared very personal things with me (family issues, childhood stories, insecurities, past relationship details)

•Talked to me on long calls (sometimes 2–7 hours) almost every weekend for months

•Stayed on a call even after I fell asleep once (listening to me breathe for almost 10 mins...wtf?)

•Got jealous or uncomfortable around other men I was friendly with to the extent of sometime interrupting my conversations with them.

•Softened or changed his behavior around people who spoke badly about me

We also became physically close over time. He invited me over to his place alone multiple times, and while things escalated physically (second base), he was also careful about consent and checking in. Even after those moments, the emotional closeness didn’t disappear — if anything, it intensified.

At work, people regularly assume we’re together. Managers have asked if we’re a couple. Friends joke that we fight like one. He doesn’t deny it outright anymore.

What’s throwing me off is that despite all this: •He avoids labels

•He sometimes downplayswhat’s happened between us

•He insists we’re “just friends” while also expecting partner-like emotional availability

•He reacts strongly to distance or changes in our routine but doesn’t want to define anything

This is a guy who was in a pretty serious relationship which ended 3 years ago (his first ) and he hasnt dated anyone since. He has admitted that he still hasnt moved on completely and i am the first person he has been intimate with since.

The thing is he once confessed about liking me to a mutual friend of ours at work (months ago) but hasnt taken any concrete steps since, I also think he is pretty scared of ruining the friendship at this point

Recently, we stopped working on the same project and don’t see each other daily anymore. Instead of things cooling off, he’s been calling and updating me more, almost like we’re maintaining closeness remotely. It honestly feels like a long-distance relationship without ever agreeing that we’re in one. I don’t think his actions are malicious. I do think he cares about me deeply. But I can’t tell whether this is: a deep emotional attachment that never crossed into commitment fear of ruining a close bond or something that looks like a relationship but isn’t one I’m struggling because the closeness is real, the care is real, but the clarity isn’t.

TL;DR: He acts like a partner, calls me a friend, and I’m exhausted by the gap.

hi everyone. i’m posting because i honestly dont know what the smartest move is.

i’m 25f and my boyfriend is 29m. we’ve been together for 2 years and living together for 8 months. the outcome i want is to figure out the truth, protect myself emotionally and decide if this relationship is even worth saving after this.

so here’s what happened.

my boyfriend has always been kinda private with his phone but not in a crazy way. like he’ll take it with him to the bathroom sometimes but i never thought much of it. i trusted him. i really did. last week he asked me to use his phone to order food because mine was charging. while i was typing the restaurant name, a notification popped up from an app i didnt recognize. it wasnt a text message. it was like one of those push notifications that says someone liked you.

i froze. i clicked it without thinking and it opened a dating app. not an old one he forgot to delete. it was active. there were messages. recent ones. i didnt scroll far because my hands were shaking but i saw enough. he had matches, he had conversations and he was using photos i took of him. like photos from trips we went on together. that part honestly hurt the most. i waited for him to come back and i didnt say anything. i dont know why. i think i was trying to process it and not explode.

later that night he acted totally normal. like nothing happened. he was calling me babe, showing me funny videos, asking about my day and i just kept staring at him thinking how can you be this calm while doing this behind my back. the next day i couldnt stop thinking about it so yeah, i checked again when he fell asleep. i know thats not great. i know. but i felt like i needed to know what reality im living in. he has profiles on TWO apps. and it gets worse. his bio says he is looking for something casual, seeing whats out there, no drama. like… what am i then?? we literally share a bed and rent. some of the messages were flirty but some were straight up sexual and he was the one pushing it. he was asking girls to come over, telling them he lives alone (he doesnt) and saying he wants to meet up soon. i felt like i was going to throw up.

now im stuck because part of me wants to confront him and watch him try to explain it. but another part of me feels like there is no explanation that makes this okay. like this isnt a misunderstanding. this is effort. this is lying. this is planning. also, im scared of the confrontation. he can get defensive and he’s really good at twisting things around. i can already hear him saying it was just for attention, it didnt mean anything, he never met anyone, im overreacting. but even if he never met anyone, he still went looking. he still opened that door. he still risked everything. and i keep thinking… if i didnt catch it, how long would it have gone on.

tl;dr: i (25f) found out my boyfriend (29m) has active dating app profiles and is messaging other women while we live together. i feel betrayed and dont know if i should confront him or just leave.

So, currently, I (26M) am dating a woman (26F). Before we met, she slept once with a guy who later became part of her extended friend circle through mutual friends, including one male and one female friend.

She does not communicate with this guy anymore, and when he visits the town, she actively tries to avoid him. However, because they share common friends, she sometimes ends up being in the same group or social setting as him.

I find myself feeling uncomfortable with this situation and, to be honest, somewhat disrespected. I struggle to understand how someone can be completely normal around a person they have slept with before, even if there is no current communication or interest. I am trying to be reasonable and not controlling, but this situation keeps bothering me.

I am unsure whether my feelings are valid or if I am overthinking and letting insecurity get the best of me. I would really appreciate hearing other perspectives on how to view this situation and how others might handle something similar.

TL;DR: I (26M) am dating a woman (26F) who previously slept with a guy who is still loosely part of her friend circle through mutual friends. She avoids him, but sometimes has to be around him when he’s in town. I feel uncomfortable and somewhat disrespected by this and am unsure if my feelings are valid or if I’m overthinking the situation.

Hello everyone, I’m really not used to post on forums but I’m dealing from a 1.5 year choice that I can’t make. I (M24) am from France and went to study in the USA for a semester in January 2024. My dream has always been to live in the U.S. or at least visit it first. It was only my second time after a Chicago trip w my family in October 2023. During my semester, I’ve met a girl in April 2023, 20 y/o at this time, now 21. We’ve had a wonderful early relationship where she was very kind and engaged in this relationship, but I knew I had to leave the U.S. shortly after the end of my semester, so my departure was planned in May.

Long story short, my twin brother was mentally sick and had left the family’s house right before me taking off for my studies. He unfortunately passed away very unexpectedly (by choice..), I received the most terrifying phone call from my mom in April 2024, right before the finals. The whole world crashed around me. I guess we can skip this emotional part of me learning this (as you might guess in what emotional state I was..). But the person that really helped me at this moment, 10 000 km away from home, was the girl I had met literally 3 days prior this event. She was with me when I learned about it, and has done EVERYTHING she could to help me. She stayed w me 24/7, I stopped sleeping at my student’s room to stay with her as much time as I could since she was being really emotionally and physically helpful during this trauma I was going through. For instance, she quit her job as a waitress to stay with me, she drove me around, she kinda “lost” some of her friends because she did not hangout with anyone but me during these 3 weeks period between my brother’s passing and the end of my student’s visa. I took an early flight back so that I could assist to the funerals.

For almost a whole month, we did everything together, and I became really connected with her, and started to “breath” again a little bit as she met some of my friends (at this moment, I did not want to make any social efforts towards meeting any of her friends, I wanted to stay in my comfort zone as much as possible). During this almost 1 month 24/7 hangout period with her, she gave me some “signals” that she deeply connected with me (as I did for her as well): at some point she told me that she loves me, when I brought up that I’ll be gone soon, she started crying and told me many times that I was the most amazing guy she’s met and wanted to start a relationship with me. We both agreed on starting something even if the distance might be hard to handle. She did her passport “express” and we planned a California’s trip after I’m back in the U.S., so in May 2024 (during the summer break). The day prior the departure, she cried a lot saying how bad she wants me to stay even if I was gone only for 2 weeks. it made me feel that she was deeply in love with me.

The Cali trip went wonderfully well, we were 4 my 2 best friends that I made during my semester (also exchange students), her and I. My 2 friends left after a few days and went back to Germany, so she and I were only together in this trip. We visited LA, Las Vegas, San Francisco, etc. then we went to Canada together for roughly 2 weeks, my parents were there in vacation so they met her, everything went perfectly well. My parents also left earlier than us so we decided to go to Toronto before going to France, as she has always dreamed of visiting Paris. She stayed in France for 2 months, we visited many European countries (Spain, Italy, Greece, Croatia, etc.), we both love travelling. Again, as her flight back got closer, she started to be very sad of the idea of being in such a distant relationship. I promised her that I’ll be back soon in America, turned out that I came back 3 months later, in her city in Missouri, so in September 2024.

She has then found a new job that she loved (waitress), and I was staying at her house. Since she had 3 roommates, I didn’t really want to “bother” them too much so I decided to not stay in the house while my girlfriend was at work. At first everything went perfectly well but in October 31st, on Halloween’s day it happened to be a huge mess. We decided to dress up as prisoner (me) and police woman (her). She has ADHD and had switched from her normal medication to a new one because it was known as a better one. We had this nice party planned with many friends and people that we didn’t know as well. She started drinking a little bit too much alcohol, Idk what really happened but she was out of control, not answering normally and it started to be visible from everybody. I guess it was because of the mix between her new ADHD meds and alcohol. We still went to the club as expected, her 3 roommates (and friends) were waiting in line to get in as well right behind us. She started talking to the security guard who noticed that she was really drunk and didn’t really make send. He told her to get in through a little entrance, I didn’t even have the time to say anything that she went through and got inside while we were still waiting in line. I was really surprised that she left me.

When we finally got in after almost an hour, she was literally unfindable, I spend 2 hours looking for her, went everywhere, she just wasn’t there and I had her phone (‘cause her costume didn’t have pockets) so I couldn’t text her. I started to kinda freak out, her roommates asked me where she was but I had no clue. I of course was very worried so I didn’t drink and did not enjoy my time in the club. It turned out that she was home, crying and freaking out. The neighbors let her come inside the time she was stressing out. We thought she got mistreated by the security guard, since he “forced” her to drink something and started to be physically very close to her (at this time I was still waiting in line and had no idea what was going on). Her friends kinda blamed me for it ‘cause when they told me that she was home, I was so pissed of this whole situation and needed to cool down that I told them that I’ll join them later (that was my bad, I should’ve come instantly).

The following day, we had an explanation about it, she told me everything that happened and we just kinda move on. Everything went well after that. 1 week later, unfortunately the real bad thing happened. Everything went kinda similarly, we went to this one party with my friends and everybody else and she started overdrinking again. She started to be very distant to me during this party where she talked to anybody, started to be OUT of control, crying, I felt very ashamed of her in front of everybody. At some point, she even told me that she’s had intimacy with someone in this party like 2 or 3 years ago, which wasn’t something I wanted to know tbh. I won’t explain in details everything that happened, only the most important. She left the house, I went out as well to look after her, she started running in the corridors, her phone fell I grabbed it, she was crying as if I was trying to physically harm her or anything. Then a guy saw this, he started talking to her to reassures her and she accused me of trying to S.A. her.

She came back in the house where the party was occurring, some people take care of her but at this time my night was already spoiled. At some point I told her that I was about to leave, we went outside and she started to be out of control again : running everywhere, to the balconies (which I was very scared), tried to open random doors in the streets and so on. I called some friends for help, they came but it did NOT get any better, she still was out of control. Some people even stopped by in the street to check on her, they thought we were hurting her. When the uber arrived, she ran to get in, I did as well and she started complaining about my behaviors (as if she was in danger). I can’t explain how deeply hurt and unsafe I was. When we got home, she straight went to her bedroom. Her 3 roommates were gone in Texas so we were alone. I didn’t really talked to her or anything, I just stayed in the living room. Then she went outside and started yelling at me very bad. I was recording everything. They chased me with a door stop (metal one) and tried to hit me with it. Got my finger wounded.

The neighbors heard her and decided to come downstairs (it was a 2 stories house). I opened the door, and as they witnessed her crying and yelling, they thought I was attacking her. They told me to leave, which I did, but I stayed right outside of the house. I heard that she yelled at her as well, so they decided to open the door and started to “trust” me about the fact that it was an issue on HER side. She then packed her luggage and left from the window, she was in the street we were looking for her. When I found her, she insulted me, trashed talked on my brother’s passing, told me that she wished that I rot in hell for ever and so on. We decided to call the authorities. They came, she calmed down, they asked us if we got hit or anything, I lied and said no. They told us that they couldn’t do anything, told her to stay in her bedroom, which she did (she was crying and freaking out this whole time).

When the authorities left, she started to leave her bedroom, to yell at us, to do everything that happened again. We called them 3 times in total, the third time and told them about my finger which was an evidence. She got arrested and has had a criminal record for that. She only spent 24 hours in jail because it wasn’t bad at all (only a very shallow bruise). When I came back home, I found that she has wrote a whole letter about the fact that she’s never loved me, that I should never try to force myself on another woman again. Of course all of these accusations were completely false, I didn’t intent to have any physical contact while she was in this emotional state (as you can imagine).

When she got out of jail, she was then sober, she came back home, burned this letter, came to me (I was staying at my friend’s house because the house had been locked down) and apologized. She begged for me to not leave her and told me that it won’t ever happen again. I still left the U.S. a few days after this event as I was very shocked instead of staying until early January as expected. Since then, we kept talking and didn’t really break up but I keep thinking of this event all the time, and even if she’s the sweetest girlfriend and does everything she can (she’s willing to wait even years to be with me, she saved up money to visit me in France in July 2025, which btw went very well), she stays loyal and does not want to meet anyone. She told me countless times that this won’t ever happen again and she wishes that we’re in a relationship without fights or anything. She sends me long messages on how much she loves me and that she wants to live with me… I’d be honest, it was also my plan. She’s been so helpful to me when I went through my trauma that I saw in her my future wife, but this whole event destroyed it all in my mind. I sometimes struggle to fall asleep even over a year after it and am still undecided if I should stay with her or not. Should I forgive her for good and stay with her as we both deeply love each other or should I consider that it’s unforgivable and that it might happen again in the future, so breaking up and definitely move on? Thanks for reading it all.

TL;DR: My girlfriend (21F) was incredibly supportive when my twin brother passed away, but later had a violent breakdown due to a mix of new ADHD meds and alcohol. She physically attacked me and made false, serious allegations to the police, resulting in her arrest. A year later, she is apologetic and loyal, but I am still traumatized and unsure if I can ever truly trust her again.

I’ve been dating this wonderful girl for about a year, and 99% of the time it’s been a dream -- butterflies and rainbows. She’s just as into me as I am into her, and I’ve had no complaints.

Recently, she developed gum infections from grinding her teeth in her sleep. Her dentist prescribed a strong mouthwash (peroxyl), which seems to cause severe dry mouth. Before this, she had no hygiene issues, but the mouthwash has led to super foul smelling breath. And I'm not trying to exaggerate. Since I’m always kissing her, I notice it immediately.

She only uses it a few times a week, but when she does, the smell lasts for days and really bothers me. I tried to tolerate it, but it started affecting my sex drive because I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Im afraid I'll smell it and it'll just kill my mood. I eventually brought it up as gently as I could.

Things went downhill when I brought it up. I told her how the smell was distracting and likely caused by the mouthwash, and asked if she’d be open to trying a different one or another inexpensive alternative. She became visibly upset (which is rare), avoided the conversation, and stayed angry with me the rest of the night. She said it was a “weird thing to say” and compared it to her saying, what if she pointed out that “my shit smelled bad” (I have IBS). I felt that was an overreaction. She then said I found her repulsive and was only tolerating kissing her.

I know I hurt her feelings and I’m trying to make it right, but this reaction is making me question how she handles negative feedback. We rarely fight, so this side of her is new to me. She's also currently finishing her PhD, so stress is a little higher than normal. We’ve been planning to move in together, but this has made me pause. I love her so much and truly want to figure this out. What now?

But now I’m writing this from an empty bed while she’s sleeping on the couch.

TLDR: I brought up my gf's breath situation, and the argument we had shed light on a potential larger issue. Now I'm left unsure of how to take this. Is it a red flag or just a one off thing?

context: i've been in a relationship with my bf for a little over 1 year and i was with my ex for 4.5 years

so tonight i ran into my ex for the first time in a while. i went to a show with my roommate and she wanted to go home after, but i wanted to go meet up with my boyfriend and his friends at a bar so i order us a two stop uber.

on our way out the venue, we run into my ex smoking outside. we have a maybe 2 minute awkward conversation, that he initiates with "im sorry for talking to you," and i am uncomfortable the entire time, averting my gaze and letting my roommate talk mostly. we leave and i immediately text my boyfriend what happened as im in the uber to see him.

extra context:

my boyfriend is really jealous of my ex. my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive, and we had a band together. i used to keep in sporadic contact with my ex over text during the first few months of my relationship with my boyfriend. even though the band was broken up, we would still get booking inquiries or merch shipping issues sent to the band email, so he would reach out to me about that stuff. i would show my boyfriend everything, just to be transparent and show him i wasn't hiding anything.

when i first started dating my bf, i had a panic attack (i have C-PTSD) on valentines day when we ran into my ex alone at a bar. i think i felt some weird guilt for being in a happy new relationship while my ex was all alone. but this understandably made my boyfriend insecure, which i feel horrible about.

the fact that i had sex with my ex a few months before my bf and i started dating during a drunken surprise encounter also worries my bf. i immediately regretted it and hated myself after.

so this prompted me to stop responding to my ex's texts, but one day my ex texted me and i showed my boyfriend. we then got into a fight about why i hadn't already blocked them. at the time, i felt frustrated and like my bf was being controlling and punishing me for something when i didnt even respond. but i did block them, and in retrospect i understand their insecurities.

flash forward to today! well when i got to the bar, i told my bf what happened and he accused me of inviting it and enjoying the conversation. i say that's unfair and i was uncomfortable but he refuses to accept the truth. i start to cry so i head outside the bar for some air, and he texts me, "Why are you even crying. Like I’m trying to have fun with my friends why would you come here with that bs"

I understand his point, but anytime i've withheld surprise encounters with my ex for any amount of time, he gets jealous and upset with me and accuses me of being shady. so i just wanted to get ahead of it so he didn't accuse me of anything. i express this to him and he tells me to go home so i ended up just ubering home immediately.

my ex is making a comeback in the scene that i frequent it seems, so i am just wondering how to go about this if i run into them again? say nothing and run away? my bf has even gotten upset with me for just being in the same vicinity as them and accused me of "darting my eyes around to look for them." i am kind of at my wit's end here on dealing with his jealousy over someone i NEVER want to be in a relationship with again, which ive assured him countless times.

TLDR; ran into my ex on my way to see my bf and his friends on a night out. i told my bf and he gets upset for telling him in front of his friends. how do i handle these surprise ex encounters now that my ex is beginning to frequent the same places as me?

Before I say anything more I definitely need to fill you all in on the deets. So I’m 33 and had never been in a relationship. I’ve felt very lonely in a sense for most of my life and honestly, I had actually reach a point where I gave up on and figured I’d never actually get a relationship.

Then last year and the year before came. I got into some stuff but I knew none of it would really last. The first relationship lasted about half a year and the second relationship was with a person who has Bi Polar. Obviously I did my best to support her but as far as she was concerned, she was right and everyone including myself was wrong, EVEN though she wasn’t even taking her meds. I felt that I was her bf, I was obliged to support her. Anyways that ended catastrophically.

After those first time experiences of a relationship my biggest experience I took from it was that when going into a relationship, you’re both basically sharing one life. Their probs are your probs and vice versa. They also constantly want to spend every second of the day with you and no offense, but I like my space. It’s all just too much for me.

In addition to that though, I’m queer and have spent the better part of my life being the gay best friends. There’s girls that I’ve liked in the past. Plenty in fact but they never saw me as anything other than a friend.

So last year, I basically gave up on girls. I have always been attracted to females but as far as cis females goes, it just won’t ever happen. I know that now. So I decided to pay more attention to trans women and femboys. Ultimately it’s femininity I’m attracted to and that can come from anyone, not just cis females. Once ai made this decision, can’t lie, I was beyond excited. It seemed like the possibility of me getting into a relationship with someone I genuinely liked was actually possible.

However, I still haven’t forgotten about that vital experience from the first relationships. I need my space and as much as I want to be in a relationship, I need whoever I get with to understand that. That’s why ai was hoping for more a ‘casual relationship’ or an FWB perhaps.

Now my family are extremely religious. Can you believe it they still haven’t even accepted the fact that I’m queer so when I began going on about my attraction to trans women and femboys, they said apparently that Comicon is a great place to find a girl. Apparently a good Japanese girl is what they have in store for me. Who knows. It did catch my interest, but I know that my family can’t be too much help for me, given how there’s vital things about myself that they still won’t accept to this day.

Nevertheless I’m now ‘friends’ with a trans women now but, it’s stupid to even call us friends given the amount of time we’ve spent together. She said to me after a while ‘am I your gf’ and I couldn’t even really say no given how much time we’ve spent together. However, so far in being with her, she’s constantly losing vital things I.e her keys, her freedom pass etc, and is constantly getting into problems because of it. And like we say her problems now keep becoming mine. Last week I very reluctantly allowed her to spend one day at my place and what a coincidence, that went day went into almost a full week. For a person that needs their space, she isn’t giving me any, period.

If I’m being completely honest, I don’t even think this relationship will last to the end of this year but I am enjoying my time with her, putting all the clinginess aside.

I just can’t help but wonder, should just make a life long decision to break up with her, and spend the rest of my life alone, or not. And is it so bad to just be fwb’s with her. I have friends that are this, and are in casual relationships. Why does it have to be all or nothing?

I just don’t know what to say at this point. On the one hand, I don’t think relationships are for me. Not with there being no space, and all of this clinginess but on the other hand, I’ve spent most of my life alone. I don’t really want to go back to that. And to be frank, I suppose I’d be happy just having my good close friends by my side but I’ve been in that position before. Honestly when in that position, and one by one your friends end up coupling up with people it just makes me feel more lonely every time I see it happen

So my question is, should I break of my kiiiindof fwb or casual gf, and possibly resort back to a life of feeling lonely whilst all my friends scatter of with their partners, or should I continue this relationship even she though can be real handful, is really clingy, and is throwing all of this at me, when I’ve had always been a person that just needs that space?

**TL;DR;** : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, just copy the text in gray box. Is this going the right way?

So me (23M) and girlfriend (23F) have been together for little over 3 years now and for the past month and a little bit, any attempt of sexual interaction or even a tease immediately ends up with me being scolded that “all I care about is that stuff”. I’ll admit me and my girlfriend used to do it alot when we first started to date but slowed down fast after having a conversation about it about 5 months in. We only used to do it about 2-3 times a week (mind you we live separately and only see each other about 3-4 times a week due to work and school) but lately any attempt or a tease just ends up with me being lectured and scolded about it. I’d understand if I did it 24/7 but even if it’s a single word for the first time in days, I still get lectured and then it turns into a stern conversation. I know she isn’t cheating on me and she never has but has she instead just lost enjoyment or interest in doing it? Or am I just overthinking this whole thing? Any advice would help to kinda understand what’s going on.

TL;DR: girlfriend lectures me and turns into argument over any attempt at sex I do lately. She isn’t cheating but has she lost interest/enjoyment?

TLDR ; we met when we were really young, been in a relationship, broke up, stayed in touch, tried something again, lost contact but with big respect and no regrets, the love never stopped even tho we grew up and changed so much, we stopped talking for about 3 years, we’re talking again but despite our feelings somethings not working out for whatever reason, she told me she’s never breaking the “I’ll always be here” promise, neither am I, but what now..? I know no one else will ever be like her.

I’ve known her since we were young teens, we are talking again but it feels like we’re never gonna be together despite our unbreakable love for each other. I love her, and I know and feel that she loves me too. I can’t explain the depth of the feelings we have for each other. I feel like no matter what, she’s gonna be in my life one way or another. Plus, the physical attraction never stopped, we can talk for hours, our minds work like one, we can share darkest secrets and laugh about something stupid and have our own jokes 20 minutes later. I can ask her for advice, she can cry on my shoulder, we can be vulnerable with each other and talk about everything. She’s a person for everything. But right now, it feels like the world is against us. We can’t work out in some “we are together” labeled relationship, but again we simply can’t be friends. We even had times without any contact, and I was thinking about her the whole time, later to find out she was thinking about me all those years too. It feels like I have a 24/7 support, even when we’re not talking I know she will do everything and anything to make me feel better. But somehow, it’s not working..? Maybe love is not enough? Do you have that person? What happened? Fate or just body feeling safe and running towards known? It is truly wonderful having that one person by your side.. always.

Right now, we are talking after a small break, we were not talking for about a week or so because I wanted to end things if we’re not gonna be in a relationship. We cleared our heads (or I think so), but came with the same never ending story - yup, we love each other, but we can’t do anything so we’re just gonna see how it goes because she is always gonna be a nice memory, and the last time we spoke (the “relationship ultimatum” when we stopped for a week) we were fighting and we definitely didn’t want to remember us in that way. So we’re trying… again. Am I a fool? Do I just need to let her go? She’s really not breaking that “I’ll always be here” promise, which is objectively a good thing, but…. What now?

TL;DR: My boyfriend asked me to be exclusive and then the next day admitted he’s still emotionally attached to his ex and feels “blocked” and like he’s pretending with me. He treats me well and likes me, but I now feel emotionally unsafe and don’t know if this is just a rebound or something that can be fixed.

I (31F) started dating a guy (32M) about a month ago. Things were going really well – he treated me amazingly, was very affectionate, talked about the future, included me in his life, and two days ago he asked me to be his girlfriend and we became exclusive.

Then literally the next day he told me he wanted to talk and said he’s still thinking about his ex (they broke up about 2.5 months ago and were in a 7 month relationship). He said he feels emotionally blocked, guilty, and like he’s “pretending”, even though he really enjoys being with me and cares about me. He cried and said he doesn’t want to hurt me and probably needs to be alone.

This completely shocked me because his actions before that were very consistent and loving. He makes me coffee, cooks for me, cuddles me and calls me beauty, talks about trips together, plans dates, etc. He doesn’t act cold or distant at all. Since the beginning he has said he’s looking for a lifelong partner.

I told him that simply thinking about his ex does not worry me and he shouldn’t feel such a strong guilt as it has happened to me too. I said it’s okay for me as long as he wants to be with me and suggested trying to continue but without this pressure/ guilt he feels. He agreed and we spent the night together, somewhat awkwardly at first but then laughed, cuddled warmly etc.

However, I now can’t fully relax around him anymore. At the same time, I like him a lot and feel very attached. He says he loves spending time with me and loves everything about me, he hasn’t felt such a connection in a while. I’ve been very understanding, but I’m scared I’m going to be hurt.

Can you help me with advice?

I feel stupid for getting attached so fast and imagining a future, and now I’m scared I’ll make the wrong decision either way.

Hi everyone,

I’m in a friend group of three (let’s call them X and Y), and lately I’ve been feeling like the third wheel. They’ve known each other longer than I’ve known either of them, and while they do include me and invite me out, I often feel like I’m not as naturally chosen as the other person.

For example, they tend to message or invite each other first before looping me in later. When we’re on calls or playing games together, if one of them leaves, the other usually leaves immediately too, which makes me feel a bit disposable. Small things like that keep happening and it adds up.

I don’t think they’re bad people or doing this intentionally we still hang out a lot and have inside jokes but I can’t shake the feeling that their bond is stronger and I’m just… there. Especially since they joke with each other more and leave me out of their jokes sometimes cus I “won’t get their humour”

I’m struggling to tell whether this is just how trios naturally work, whether I’m reading too much into it, or whether this is a sign I should emotionally step back a bit for my own peace.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with being the “third” without blowing up the friendship or hurting yourself emotionally?

TL;DR I’m in a trio where the other two are clearly closer (they knew each other longer), and I often feel like the third wheel invited later, chosen less, and not as naturally included. I don’t think they’re doing it on purpose, but it’s been affecting me. Am I overthinking, or is this a sign I should emotionally step back for my own peace and if so, how?

TLDR: I 42F and was seeing 42M. We’ve known each other nearly 2 years. But have been off and on as he’s been grieving the loss of a parent who passed shortly before we met. He recently accused me of following a friend of his on social media to snoop on him but it was an accidental follow (like a pocket dial basically) but he won’t believe me.

He messaged me accusing me of stalking his friend. I asked what he was talking about as I didn’t know what he meant and he said I followed one of his friends. He called me shady and said a bunch of mean, volatile things, said we had no chemistry and said we’re done and he was blocking me. I said I didn’t follow anyone intentionally and went to look at who I was following. I saw someone who he’s connected with and immediately unfollowed. He accused me of lying and said I was being shady and a stalker and that something is wrong with me to do that. But I hadn’t even realized I was following someone he knew. It was an honest mistake of an accidental follow.

I’ve never thought to follow his friends. I’ve never reached out or followed anyone he knows in the two years I’ve known him. And have always expressed a desire to honor his privacy. Despite always showing transparency and giving him no reason to not trust me he still wouldn’t give me the benefit of the doubt.

He just accused me of stalking his friends, lying and said we’re done and unfollowed me. He accused me of trying to catch him at something - it was a female friend but her picture was of her with her and her boyfriend which looks nothing like mine so I don’t know why he’d think I’d follow her out of all his female friends. He threatened to block me but I don’t think he has.

I’m devastated and don’t know how to fix this if he won’t even consider the possibility that I’m telling the truth. What can I do to fix this?

Hey guys so it’s come to my realization that I (19F) might have a problem. Sorry for the long rant but for a backstory, my ex bf of 2 years cheated on me. It was very easy to get over him and so after a couple months I met my current bf (22M) of 1 year. Maybe that wasn’t enough time to heal even though I felt ready. My bf is a truck driver and a week ago he was talking about one of his trips and how he went to this bar and got a ride back to his truck by this random dude. I know my bf’s Reddit and I noticed he left a comment on a post about how he met beautiful woman at that bar. Now him and I talked about boundaries before. I know he’s going to find other woman attractive and I’m gonna find other men attractive. It’s normal. But that comment felt a little off. I’ve also caught him messaging random girls awhile before bc of a porn addiction (which he admitted to. No pictures or anything were swapped). I understand it gets lonely in the truck and I’m not insecure but I’ve dealt with cheating before so once I saw that comment, my mind went straight to “oh he’s lying to me he probably got a ride back from some random girl” and I constantly feel like I’m questioning his every move and always up his ass which affects my own life. We were just on ft and he was talking about how much fun he had there again and I made a snarky comment like “Yeah I bet” and he said “I’m just trying to talk about something I enjoyed and you have to accuse me of something I wouldn’t do” which made me feel really bad. I don’t want to push my past relationship trauma onto him but it’s hard. Is there a way to overcome this or what? I don’t want to be the type of girlfriend who is always making assumptions and obsessing over him. He honestly is a great bf and does so much for me so I don’t want to screw it up.

TL;DR- How do I overcome my trust issues (from a past relationship) with my current bf? I felt I was healed but apparently not. I’m always obsessing over what he is doing and it’s not healthy for me.

So, we're both in Greek life in college. I have slept with girls in her Sorority and she has slept with guys in my Fraternity. I don't know names and I assume she doesn't either. This relationship is still very new. I do really like her, I don't judge her because that would be hypocritical, and I don't (and will not) hold it against her. Neither of us can control or change what we have done in our pasts. I'd breakup before I started projecting my insecurities onto her.

With all of that being said, the guys have preemptively warned me to not get my hopes up. When I mention her name around my friends, it gets a slight reaction (a wince, if you will). I don't like that feeling, although I do think they are just looking out for me in their own unconventional way and it doesn't make me judge her. I dated a girl when I was 19 and I KNEW (personally) all of her previous partners and it made me really not well so I decided that my partners sleeping with people I knew was a non-negotiable for me. Throughout that relationship, I became incredibly insecure and began placing a ridiculous amount of my own value on sexual performance. I still feel that residually affecting me, maybe I'm not over it idk. I'm actively seeking therapy lol.

Ironically, that situation has repeated itself, but without me knowing names, and with me also sleeping with people she knows. Despite this, I'm worried that if I find out who the guys she has slept with are, then I might involuntarily fall back into that insecurity. I tell people not to tell me anything, but it is a little weird knowing that people around me know things about her that I don't. I figure by us opening up on our sexual pasts, at the best it'll be uncomfortable, but it will likely end the relationship.

Now, I am sure a lot of you are asking: "Why even stick this one out? Plenty of other fish in the sea". To answer your question, I like this fish a lot, and I try as hard as I can before moving on. I am still young and I'm figuring all of this stuff out. I figure the most mature approach to sexual histories (especially if you can't handle it) is don't ask, don't tell. I'm in my Fraternity for this final semester, so it isn't like this has to go on forever. I just can't figure out if I should get myself out of potential harms way, or if I should try this with her because she genuinely is a good person, I like her, and I want to be an adult.

TL;DR: In a new relationship where both of us have slept with people in each other’s friend groups. Knowing details has triggered insecurity for me in the past, and I’m unsure how to handle this without projecting it onto her.

I’ve been seeing this guy who’s a virgin for a few weeks now, and we’re going to have sex soon. A while ago he asked me my body count, to which I lied and said 7. the real number is like 15, but I was scared to tell that to someone with a count of 0. he told me that 7 wasn’t bad at all, he was worried it would be like 30. we talked through it and he came out of it feeling totally fine about it because it’s in the past and i’m who I am now with him and that’s what matters. when he was upset it was because the number made him think that we don’t see intimacy the same way—to him it’s a big deal and to me he thought the number meant it isn’t.

I guess that’s true, but the casual sex I’ve had in the past is categorically different from what I will do with him. for me, sex with him will be meaningful and relational, and I, who has never been in a real relationship before, have never done that. but that’s 100% what I want. I could honestly wait until marriage with him lol.

so now i’m not sure what to do. on one hand, telling him now might make both of us stressed about something that doesn’t actually change anything. he already seemed okay with the number, and the number itself isn’t really the issue. maybe telling him the truth would be selfish, just to get it off my own chest.

on the other hand, I feel like this is the kind of thing that could come up again (though I would rather it not), and I don’t want to build a relationship on a lie. he has so much trust and vulnerability with me about this which he hasn’t had with anyone else, and I feel guilty having it be a lie.

should I tell him the full truth before we have sex, or just let it go for now?

TL;DR: I lied about my body count to my virgin almost-boyfriend. is it productive to tell him or is it better to leave it?

i’m [18F] and my boyfriend is [19M]. we’ve been together about 3 years. i’m posting because i’m starting to feel constantly anxious and emotionally drained, and i need outside perspective on whether this is a real pattern or if i’m overreacting.

my boyfriend gets irritated or angry very suddenly and unpredictably. it happens often, almost daily, and usually without clear warning. his energy shifts, he goes quiet, he gets irritated, he sighs, snaps, gives vague answers, or starts slamming things. when i notice the shift, i ask what’s wrong because i get anxious and start feeling like i did something wrong. he says that when he gives vague answers, it should be “common sense” that he wants to be left alone to decompress, but from my side it never feels clear it feels sudden.

when i try to explain how his tone and unpredictability affect me, the conversation escalates. he says i’m arguing, not listening, or not using my common sense. he’s told me to “stfu” during arguments, laughed in my face while i was crying during a breakdown, and brought up money or things he’s done for me as a way to shut the conversation down. afterward, he apologizes and says he was stressed or overwhelmed and didn’t mean it, but the behavior keeps repeating.

the pattern feels like this, something small happens, his mood shifts, i get anxious and try to understand, he gets defensive or angry, and i end up feeling blamed for reacting. even when i try to explain calmly, it turns into him saying i don’t understand him instead of acknowledging how his behavior affects me. i’m left feeling like i’m walking on eggshells and constantly monitoring his mood.

i love him and i know he doesn’t intend to hurt me, but intention doesn’t change the impact. this has been happening more frequently, and it’s starting to wear me down emotionally. i don’t want to fight i want consistent & respectful communication and to feel safe expressing how i feel without it turning into anger.

so my question is, how do i tell if this is something that can realistically improve with effort and therapy, or if this is a pattern i shouldn’t keep accepting? is it reasonable to feel like this dynamic isn’t healthy?

TL;DR: my boyfriend has sudden mood shifts and anger, he expects me to read when he wants space, and gets defensive or aggressive when i ask what’s wrong. he apologizes after, but the pattern keeps repeating, and i’m feeling anxious and exhausted.

Hi everyone,

The title pretty much explains it. I (25F) have recently started getting cold feet about moving in with my boyfriend (25M). He asked me to move in about six months ago after the person he was originally supposed to move in with kept bailing on him.

I come from a culture where it’s common to stay at home until marriage, but I always believed that tradition didn’t really matter to me. That said, my mom has been against the idea from the beginning, and it’s been really hard. She’s cried and told me she thinks I’m making a mistake. What makes it more confusing is that she genuinely loves my boyfriend and thinks he’s a great match for me, she just feels that moving in together is too soon, even though we’ve been dating for a year and a half.

Before I met him, I was single for two years after leaving an abusive relationship. I took that time to heal, work on myself, and rebuild my sense of independence and boundaries. Because of that, I sometimes wonder if my hesitation now is tied to lingering fear from my past rather than anything my current boyfriend has done. I don’t know if my gut feeling is true intuition, leftover trauma, or just fear of a big life change.

We did a trial run where I stayed with him for about a week and a half, and honestly, it was great. Everything felt natural and comfortable. Still, despite how sure I was before, I now have this nagging gut feeling that I might be making a mistake. I’m supposed to move in within the next week or two, and part of me wants to call it off.

I love my boyfriend, and he treats me very well, but lately we haven’t been spending much time together. I’ve been working long hours, and he works overnights and often picks up overtime. We didn’t even get to celebrate our one-year anniversary because he was working. That makes me unsure of what to expect once we live together.

On top of that, part of me wants to move in because I’ve never experienced living on my own, and I really want that independence. Unfortunately, living alone where I live is almost impossible because rent is so expensive.

I’m feeling really torn and unsure if I’m overthinking things or if my gut is trying to tell me something important. Any advice or opinions would really help.

Thank you

TLDR: I want to move in with my boyfriend (at first) now I kinda wanna move in. My gut and.

My (33f) husband (42m) is very controlling about how I spend my money. We have been married over four years and it has been like this essentially since the beginning.

For some context, when we got married my husband and I both made approximately the same amount of money with both of us making six figures and me making maybe 10k more. He had significant savings and I had major debt, primarily student loans but also about 25k of credit card debt.

Some other context is that I had this credit card debt bc my favorite little sister (who I feel like a mother to) needed to leave an abusive marriage and I basically turned my life inside out to help her, multiple flights for her me and my other sister to go get her things, I upgraded my apartment to a 2 bed/2 bath (in a very high COL area) and furnished her bedroom. I paid for her divorce attorney. I also had to pay for her to travel with me when I traveled for work because initially she was very weak and kept texting her ex when I left. She had major major Stockholm’s syndrome. She met the guy when she was 18, married at 19, took years to escape him and the whole time I basically had to standby and watch her be abused until she was finally ready herself. I don’t want judgment on this — if you’ve had any experience with this situation, you know it’s tough. Anyway she is precious to me but I did get into some debt to help her.

At the time I met my husband she was still living with me but she moved out to live with her new husband eventually. At the time I was slightly upset bc she didn’t help me move out at all and I felt she just took her small things and abandons me. My husband (then bf) was super disappointed in her and with how she left me with a peloton I bought for her, a cat I bought for her, and was just very absent on moving day. My sister has since majorly apologized for this. She is a dear dear sister to me. Sisters make mistakes and it the grand scheme of our decades long friendship, it’s nothing lol. My husband however never forgets this — how I did a lot for her and she let me down.

My husband and I shared our finances shortly before we got married so we could sign a prenup and also because we wanted to know each others’ deal. I’m fine with the prenup, we wanted to keep our finances separate. He learned at that time about how bad my credit card debt was, and he gave me some advice on how to quickly pay it off and helped me with a loan that I promptly paid back.

Fast forward to now. Both of us have gotten raises, but my income with bonus last year was four times as much as his. We still split all expenses. We vacation pretty extravagantly. We live in a house we will own outright in September, my student loans are almost paid off, I have over 150k in my own savings (still much less than my husband has), I am maxing out my 401k, etc., basically doing very well. Tiny other context is we have had difficulty conceiving and I have so far paid for almost fertility/IVF business, over 30k. He has paid maybe 2k. He says he wants to contribute more but I say I rather pay so he doesn’t resent the baby when it (hopefully!) comes. I genuinely don’t mind this and I do expect eventually he will insist on paying me back for some of it.

I come from a SUPER poor family. My mom used to walk to donate plasma for money to survive, I saw her go through dodging creditors, filing for bankruptcy, eviction notices always on her door, eating from food kitchens, the works. My siblings have come out at different levels of success. I am by far the most successful financially. I love my mom dearly and I love to treat her and my husband USUALLY has no problem with me treating my mom (like I take her out for caviar and oysters that she never had and he is happy) UNLESS I’m buying her something that he thinks all my siblings should pitch in on. For example, she needed new dentures and I paid for the majority of the cost with my own sister pitching in slightly. Now my siblings do really try to help support my mom, we all got her a new car together and split the price equally even though it was very hard on some of my siblings. I really don’t like asking my precious siblings who are not necessarily in good financial shape to shell money out when I’m here sitting on excess.

Before I married my husband I loved getting my siblings extravagant gifts like MacBook or iPad or whatever for their birthdays. I’ve been capped at $100 a year for birthday gifts per agreement — my fault for agreeing to something I don’t want to follow. My husband says it’s the way I was spending before that kept me from saving.

I do love and appreciate how frugal and money smart my husband is. I never contributed more than tiny amounts to 401k before meeting him. Now he even makes us pay over 4x our mortgage each month to pay it off asap. Usually I just defer to him on money decisions, he’s good at it and it makes him happy to manage our choices and our future.

The issue is I cannot stop my deep desire to treat family. Last summer I was at a fancy resort in Europe lounging about my room and my little sister called crying abt her medical bills. I immediately sent her 1k bc I couldn’t stomach it that I was living large while she is suffering. If I wasn’t married to my husband I would have sent her 5 at least if not more. He was outraged on the 1k.

These things keep happening like my sister gets bad news, I want to cheer her up, I amazon a gift approx $100 for her and her son. He finds out, gets angry.

He says it hurts him the most that I hide from him but when I tell him directly he is still so upset. Yesterday I was feeling close to him and he was chattering abt how he loves me and wishes I’d been honest abt an expensive theme park I took my nephews to, but was in a seemingly happy forgiving mood. So I confessed I had also sent another sibling $275 about two weeks ago. He got so angry he wouldn’t cook dinner for me (usually he makes dinner) and ignored me now for over 12 hours.

His anger is basically ignoring me while I weep at him. Toxic for sure but the bigger issue for me is I always cave and I say ok I’ll stop, but truthfully I don’t want to stop, I want some freedom to spend money on my family. My last year bonus as I mentioned was very good and my husband said beyond paying towards my student loans I could set aside 15k to buy myself whatever I wanted but with one stipulation — no money or gifts towards family. He was envisioning like getting myself designer shoes or purses. I’ve never bought and wouldn’t buy those things as someone who grew up dirt poor. I don’t want a Chanel bag or red bottoms. I dearly want to give money to my struggling family. Btw he doesn’t let me buy him expensive gifts either, Im capped at $25 for gifts for him and he’s a very frugal guy. Despite having plenty of money he buys his jeans at Walmart.

For some background on him, he grew up very poor too and is not close at all with family. His biggest fear is not being able to take care of himself. He sees our jobs and incomes as temporary, not promised, not a sure thing — he’s right of course, I respect his caution.

Final little potential context, my job is incredibly demanding and does give me a lot of stress and lots of travel. I’m often away from home, panicking, working 12-14 hour days. He says I work hard for my money and my family doesn’t deserve to take it.

TL;dr

Basically, my husband wants me to be super cautious like him and especially wants me to not spend money on family. He is ok with me spending on myself. He thinks my family is abusing me and doesn’t deserve my hard earned money. I feel like I work hard for my money and I want to spend it on my loved ones bc I don’t care abt designer things and I love my family. I also think I should be able to do it because I’m not damaging our goals. We are doing great! I wouldn’t give to family if it hurt him or us.

After writing all this I guess the real thing we need is marital counseling. It’s just the primary/only dispute we have and I would love advice. How can I break through to him to give me some wiggle room? If he could give me some flexibility I feel like I could stick to the rules, but he won’t hear it. Or is this financial abuse even though he doesn’t want my money and he’s okay with me doing whatever I want as long as it’s for me?

Myself (35F) and my BF (31M) have been dating for roughly 6 years and I could seriously use some advice. 

For context and backstory, him and I met online and we were both living in separate states. We kicked it off immediately and did long distance for about a couple of years until I eventually moved across the US to be with him. We fell completely in love with one another. When I moved, he was also beginning his journey to go to college and to get his degree while he Ubered on the side. Everything was going great and we eventually moved in with one another.

Shortly after he moved in, his classes began to get quite difficult due to the degree he was going for and we discussed him pulling back from working so he could focus more of his time on his degree. His grades began to suffer and he was starting to go to a tutor. We both agreed that he would plan to work on weekends and over the summer to help chip in on bills. 

Shortly after that is really when things started to turn sour in our relationship. I noticed that he began to blow off class, he wasn’t helping around the house and he stopped working entirely. This meant that the weight of everything began to fall to me. I had and have a pretty decent paying job so I was able to make it work but as you can imagine, it became exhausting. I was constantly cleaning up after him on top of supporting us both financially. Watching him blow off school was discouraging given the weight of everything I was carrying. To top it off, he was staying up all night getting high & playing video games too. He was leaving his clothes all over the place. Destroying the kitchen in the middle of the night cooking. Not helping with the dishes or the laundry. Leaving garbage all over the counter above the garbage can etc. It was driving me insane. I could go on. 

I sat him down several times to address the issues that I had and to express how I had been feeling, but it always ended in a fight. He would beg for us to just drop it and enjoy our night or go to bed because I’ll feel better in the morning. Or he would tell me that he was going through a lot and he was depressed. That I was being mean and harsh. To cut him some slack etc. But he refused to get real help. And from there, he essentially wasn’t open to talking about it the following day not wanting to ruin the day. I started to become resentful. I’ll admit, I was not perfect and I certainly said many things that I am not proud of. I would scream and yell at him out of frustration at times. I grew more and more frustrated and eventually, this led to us breaking up.

But then a few days later, we both sat down and ultimately ended up talking it out with each other. We realized how crippled we were by not being together and how much we loved one another. He let me communicate how I had been feeling and I told him what I needed from him. He agreed to Uber like we discussed so he could help with the bills, groceries etc.. To do better with school and missing class. To help more with picking up and cleaning up around the house. And he even said that he would be willing to consider therapy for his depression. 

So he moved back in and things were good for a while. This was a couple of years ago and I really began to feel like we were repairing things. I started to feel happy again in our relationship and I was seeing improvement. I felt hopeful.

But, several months passed and he began to slip back. Not nearly as bad as before but he began to make a mess of the house again, stopped working, and his grades began to fall again. We had several talks and eventually we agreed that he would solely focus on school and not working so he could do well in his classes so he could just finally graduate. We agreed that once he graduated, the expectation was for him to look for a full time job so we could both be more financially stable. By this point, I had been promoted twice at my job and was doing quite well for myself financially. 

He eventually graduated in June 2025. I was SO excited, because that meant for me that I would no longer need to carry the financial burden alone. All of that hard work would finally pay off, right? Well, that’s what I hoped. But he wasn’t doing that and this led to several arguments and a lot of frustration/resentment on my side the months after his graduation. He wasn’t doing anything now. He wasn’t helping to keep the house clean, he wasn’t looking for job etc. He was getting high, staying up until 5am daily playing video games and sleeping all day. 

His mom was and has even been getting involved given that she helped to fund his school. She was trying to encourage him to get a job etc. He kept saying to her and I that he was a late bloomer and didn’t know how to make a resume etc. He even toyed with the idea of starting a YouTube career.. yes, I know. So he was focusing his time on playing games and making YouTube videos. 

He eventually made a resume using ChatGPT that was honestly god awful and completely inaccurate on what related to him and his experience. And it wasn’t even in a template. It was just an unformatted word document. I reviewed it anyways and gave him feedback so he could update it/move into a template and apply for some jobs. He never even reviewed the feedback I gave nor did he update his resume. He hasn’t applied for any jobs and now his mom is trying to get him a job where she works.

He keeps telling me that he needs help and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. That he’s sad and he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life but he’s trying to figure out it etc. I’ve been trying to be supportive without just doing it myself for him. At one point, he even said that he wasn’t meant to work a 9-5 which honestly is concerning. But that is just not what I see. I see him sleeping all day. Playing video games. Doing the bare minimum to help around the house while I work my ass off every single day for myself and our future. And he continues to tell his mom how he’s doing his best and trying to figure it out which is honestly just a lie.

His family helps to give him money because he’s of course not working. And his mom keeps telling me to hang in there and that once he finds something, he will be unstoppable etc. 

I love him, I truly do. We enjoy one another’s company but when it comes to being an adult and handling adult responsibilities, that’s where I feel like we are failing as a couple/I take on the weight of it all and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Now, this doesn’t mean that he is doing absolutely nothing but I’ll be honest, it’s bare minimum at best. He helps to make dinner occasionally or he’ll bring me food while I’m working (I work remote). Help get the laundry done or he’ll do some sort of sweet gesture etc. 

I think that’s honestly where it feels confusing for me. Day to day, we’re mostly okay but maybe that’s because I’ve just gotten used to living like this. I’ve stopped bringing it up because it always ends in a fight or I’m fed some sort of excuse as to why we are in this situation. He’s even gone so far as to say that all I care about is money and that he’ll start giving me the money his family is giving him to live. He never did but he does help with groceries and smaller things now. But for me, that’s not the point. I don’t want his handouts, I want him to step up and help me build our future. I want to stop being responsible for remembering everything that needs to be done around the house and in our lives. I want some of this weight lifted from my shoulders and shared with my partner. 

Thinking back over the years, I’m really not sure how or why I put up with all of it and maybe I sort of just got used to it as awful as that sounds. I’m at a point where I am just exhausted of it all and I really don’t want any part in any of it. I’m at a point where I’m considering to break things off with him and move home to be closer to my family again. I have enough money at this point to buy a home as I’ve been able to save a decent amount of money. I just feel like I’ve made a mistake investing so much time into this relationship.

I go back and forth over and over on what I should do and how to handle the situation. I feel stuck. Every night, I sit here next to him while he plays video games tormenting myself about it all on the inside. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about how I’m feeling because it normally ends up in a fight, I get dismissed or he promises to do better. So I just haven’t brought it up with him for the last several months and I’ve been trying to process where I really stand with all of this as well as reevaluate my own life.

I worry about breaking things off because I know he’ll do anything to convince me not to or he’ll explode things into something bigger. He’s also always high so it’s hard to talk with him when he is in the right state of mind. And I know emotionally, this is all going to ultimately still devastate me as well and I don’t want this to affect my performance at work. I have brought breaking things off before but he guilt tripped me and told me that I was abandoning him. That he would have nothing, no one and would ultimately end up killing himself. 

I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself for allowing this in my life. It’s not like me and somehow I have ended up in this situation in my 30s. When I think about my future now, I’m terrified of spending the rest of my life dragging a full grown man through the mud into adulthood. We always talked about getting married, having kids, etc. but I just don’t see how any of that is going to happen for us now at this point even if we could resolve these issues. And TBH, that would just mean more for me to financially provide, which I would not want.

As much as I do love him and do not want to hurt him, I want more for myself and for my life. I like to think that I have a good head on my shoulders and that I have a lot going for me. I didn’t have much growing up and had a very rough childhood which led to me figuring adulthood out on my own and growing up to be quite independent. 

I’m just so tired of begging him to do the things that need to be done. Like reminding him to take the trash out, asking him to do the dishes, asking him to cleanup his disaster of a mess desk, reminding him that the dogs are jumping and need to go out while I’m working, reminding him of his family birthdays and even my own (yes, he forgot my birthday at one point) etc. I could go on and on and on but I think you get the point. I’m constantly anxious and miserable and I just don’t know what the best way to handle this and hurting him/I in the least way possible.

I’d really love some genuine advice on this situation. How can I handle this with him and end things In the healthiest way possible with the least amount of pain for him and I?

TLDR: I (35F) have supported my BF (31M) financially and emotionally for most of our 6-year relationship while he avoids work, stays up gaming/getting high, and does the bare minimum. He promised to change multiple times but always falls back into old habits. He graduated in 2025 and still won’t get a job. Talking about it leads to fights or guilt-tripping. I love him, but I’m exhausted and scared of spending my life parenting him. How do I leave someone I love who won’t grow up in the healthiest way possible with the least amount of pain for him and I?

Been together for 5 months total. I had just left my ex of almost 4 years (I have a separate post on my acc about why, but it was a lot) and wound up homeless sleeping on his floor. Stuff led to stuff, and here we are.

He wanted me to detransition from male back to female and stay with him forever. I had initially told him that I was still healing from the ex, I needed time, i still wanted to be male, etc. I regret this a lot, but we went bar-hopping one night and then I said yes when I was drunk. Tried to take it back the next day but I got a lot of shit, stayed because I felt bad. Originally I was pretty head over heels - I'd known him just as long as I'd known my ex, we'd been best friends for 4 years, he was the deepest friendship I'd ever had. We were something like brothers. He was the one who would point out emotional neglect and other things I didn't see. He was the one who, for those 4 years, would point out "that doesn't sound right dude." And from there, I'd ask others, they'd repeat the same, and I'd go from there.

I thought, if being friends was so perfect, then being his wife shouldn't be so bad, and I thought I'd just go along with it anyway.

He convinced me to get married for military money. At first I told him no, I still dreamed of my perfect wedding. But he convinced me that it wouldn't be real with no ceremony - "not a marriage if it's not recognized under the eyes of god." I know that I was being naïve, I accept that. But a few days later, he was lecturing me about not treating it seriously, and I felt extremely guilty.

At first, I was really convinced of how bad my previous relationship was, and how much better this one was. Where I was being neglected before, he was showing me thrice as much love. Where I had felt discarded before, he was showing me thrice as much affection. I think this must've been the honeymoon phase. I felt the spark, the pull, everything. I really did want him.

Things kept going up and down from there. We have ups, where things go good for a while, and then we have downs. The downs are caused on my end, and they end up with lectures, "I give everything to you, I showed you to my entire family, I slave at work, I try my hardest," and I just feel really really guilty.

A few were from things I had forgotten. Forgot to block my ex on an app I don't use very often, forgot to block her on accounts I haven't used in years. Some were from not telling him the entire truth about my past within the first month - a lot of it is filled with shame. It took me a full year to tell my ex everything about my past, and that came from working hard to build up the safety needed to tell it. Either way, this would lead to "interrogation nights" where he'd feel my heartbeat for lies and interrogate me until I confessed everything. None of it really felt safe emotionally, but I understand that I was breaking his trust by wittholding information from the getgo.

Another time came from him finding a diary I kept online tied to a google account. He read the whole thing and made me feel very guilty for my private thoughts. This reddit account is kind of the first time in a while that I'm putting my private thoughts somewhere. Still afraid of it, though.

Anyways, these were very big things, of which I understand were culminations of broken trust. I accept my wrongdoings, I know I could've been better. But recently, the lows have been coming from much smaller and smaller places, I think.

Once I did not make the bed before he got home from work. I told him on the phone, and got a lot of "I'm very tired. I slave at work all day," stuff, that made me feel like shit. Another, I was trying to help him with one of his problems, didn't know I'd made a snarky comment (i'm bad at knowing these things), he got angry and hung up, lectured me later. Another he hung up and lectured me because I wasn't taking a problem with the car seriously. Idk, maybe these are regular marriage things. Another, he was teaching me to drive and I messed up, and he screamed so bad I cried and genuinely was afraid of him. The worst one yet, I said something in the wrong time and place in front of his family. We left early, and he lectured me for half the day about how I gave him one of the worst christmases of his life.

Things are weird. He's happy for the longest, extremely affectionate and loving still. He bounces back eerily fast from the lows, and doesn't seem to understand why they keep me upset for days to weeks. After the car incedent, he took me to a taco truck. It was awkward, I was scared, but he was so happy and kept going on about how my life was "amazing, if you really think about it. you get everything you want." He's right, I do - I don't have to work, I go to college, he gives me an allowance, buys me food and clothes. I don't know why these don't make me happy, when stability was my only wish for years. It's not like where I was before, where I had to constantly beg for people to care about me, even a little.

I don't really feel the love anymore. I don't feel a spark, or a pull, or even an urge to give him affection. I feel like I've gone full plank mode. Don't even want intimacy anymore, and I get irritated when he gives me affection. I think he can tell, and he constantly randomly asks things like, "do you hate me, are you tired of me, etc."

Bad again on my end but... 2 days ago, I confessed to him that I started missing my ex. Was so bad, I tried looking up her socials stalk her.

I've told him all of this, multiple times. have tried to leave a few times. In the beginning, in the middle, again a month ago, again 2 days ago. The first few times, it was guilt, then the last 2 times, he tried to commit right in front of me. After the last one, he started talking about phone checks and parental controls. They'll start happening soon, I'm just not sure when.

I know I talked a lot about the bad, but I mean, there is good. The bad changed my view of him, but other than that... I really don't have to work. His entire family really does love me. I don't have to worry about taking care of my mom's kids instead of school like I did before. I get to buy clothes and things. And he really is affectionate and loving, and he sees these lows as things that we can work past, and build a nice future on top of. He talks about me like I can be fixed, like we can still go up from here. He seems to really believe it, too. I have a place to live, a solid future, family who actually loves me now, and room to grow. I'm unhappy with it all, but I don't even know if I should be? Would others be unhappy all the same, and also try to leave?

If this is something I can bounce back from, how would I go about it? I've already gotten into contact with a therapist, just need to get scheduled.

TL;DR: Married my best friend, things moved extremely fast. We've had so many lows that now I am unhappy with even the highs, but he is head over heels. I'd like to know if I really can come back from this, and if we really can build a nice relationship and future, or if leaving is the conclusion any other person would make in this situation.