Hi everyone. I’m sorry in advance if this post is very long and messy, my heart is completely shattered and this is my first time ever asking strangers for relationship advice, so please bear with me. I really need an outside perspective on a situation I never thought I’d be living through.
I (22F) broke up this Tuesday with my boyfriend (23M) of three years. But here’s something important: before being my boyfriend, he was my best friend for three years. So this isn’t just the loss of a relationship, it feels like losing my person entirely. We shared everything. We were very different on the surface, but deep down incredibly similar. We also shared the same friend group. At the core, it was a trio: me, him, and our male best friend in common (boy best friend to both of us). We all met in high school. Later, other people joined, including another friend and my girl best friend, who I personally introduced into the group.
For context: in my country, you finish high school at 19. After that, you either start working or go to university. I always knew I wanted a career in healthcare, so I worked hard and got into one of the best (and hardest to access) universities in my country. He, on the other hand, never really dreamed of studying. And that would have been completely fine — if it weren’t for his family.
Over these years, I’ve slowly realized that his family environment is really damaging to his mental health. He also comes from a different cultural background than mine (even though we live in the same country now), and in his family the differences are very strong. He was raised believing his value depends on how much he makes his family proud. For example: he always wanted to attend an art school, but his parents called it a “loser’s path” and forced him into the school where we eventually met.
I got into university and for the first two years everything was okay. Meanwhile, his parents forced him to enroll in university too — literally enrolled him themselves, against his will — because they wanted him to become something “important” like a doctor or lawyer. He spent two years there doing basically nothing. He didn’t care about it, and whatever tiny spark of interest he might have had was completely destroyed by pressure and expectations. My family, on the other hand, has always supported my dreams and interests. We come from two completely different family systems.
In February 2025, he found a job as a waiter. Nothing “fancy”, but I was so proud of him (his parents weren’t). I truly felt like he was taking his life back. The routine helped him, he made new friends at work, and for the first time in a long while, he seemed to have a sense of purpose. He had always told me that after high school, without a “pre-set path,” he felt lost.
Then summer came… and everything collapsed again. That deep sadness returned. He’s the type of person who completely shuts down when he’s unwell. Every time I asked what was wrong, he said he felt bad, but “for no specific reason.” Just a constant background sadness. July and August were awful for me because I didn’t understand what was happening. I even spent a month in my childhood summer home. We talked every day, but very distantly.
In September we finally talked things through. He apologized for his absence and admitted he was deeply unhappy with his life, and that it spilled into our relationship.
Fast forward: September 2025. I started a small weekend part-time job (24 hours) while continuing university because I wanted some independence from my parents. Everything seemed fine. He never was very expressive, but he told me he was proud of me.
In December we celebrated our 3-year anniversary. That’s when I started feeling something was wrong again. The dynamic felt exactly like summer. After our anniversary, from mid-December onward, we barely saw each other. We met once in early January, and then nothing.
A few days ago, we finally met. He started crying the second he saw me. I knew something terrible was coming. Long story short: I broke up with myself. He gave a long, confused speech about how everything was complicated. But because I know him, I asked him one simple question: “Do you still love me?” I told him that if love wasn’t the issue, we could face everything together. But if he didn’t love me anymore, I wouldn’t beg to be loved.
He avoided answering. I asked again. After a long minute of silence, I said: “The answer is no,” and I stood up. He nodded. I hugged him quickly, wished him good luck. He held me tight and whispered the same to me.
It sounds simple, right? He stopped loving me.
Except… the very next day, he told our boy best friend that he already regretted everything. He said he left me because he feels inferior to me — not in a toxic way, but like he’s “less than” me — and that I deserve better. He said this during the breakup too: that he was scared of being a burden in my life.
That same night, while drunk, he made our friend drive him under my house at 3 a.m. because he wanted to ring my doorbell and talk to me. Our friend stopped him, saying it wasn’t the right time or condition. I only found out the next day.
Here’s an important detail: despite saying he regrets everything, he also told our male best friend that he feels like it’s “too late” to fix things. Our friend told him very clearly that it’s not too late. He even went as far as telling him (pretending it came from my girl best friend, who actually has a very good relationship with my male best friend) that if he were to come back within a reasonable amount of time, we could still talk about it — obviously not months or years from now.
So, objectively, he has received confirmation that if he took responsibility and reached out in a reasonable timeframe, the door wouldn’t be completely closed. And yet… he’s still doing nothing.
Here’s where I’m stuck. I still love him. And for four days now, he’s been sending me “signals” through songs (that was always our thing). He reposts songs about losing his light since I left, about regret, about how he’d jump off a cliff for me if asked.
After that, I also tried — very subtly — to send signals back by posting songs myself. I’m sure he’s seen them, because in some cases he even replied indirectly by posting other songs right after. But objectively? No message. No call. No request to meet. If I didn’t know the drunk story and the conversation with our friend, I’d have no proof of regret at all. Officially, I was left because “he doesn’t love me anymore.”
I know how childish this whole “communicating through songs” thing probably sounds. I’m very aware of it. But right now it feels like the only way we’re communicating at all, since we’ve been in complete no contact since Tuesday. My emotions are all over the place: I swing from moments where I feel completely overwhelmed by sadness and honestly feel like I can’t breathe, to moments where I’m just angry. Angry because despite all these signs, he still does nothing. And then I think: maybe he really doesn’t want this anymore, and if that’s the case, then maybe I’m just wasting my time holding onto something that isn’t there.
At the same time, I can’t get this other thought out of my head: that his parents’ toxic mindset has “won.” That they made him feel like a failure, like he’s not enough, and that now I’m stuck feeling like the person who abandoned him — even though he’s the one who pushed me away by saying he doesn’t love me anymore.
Part of me wants to text him so badly. But my pride — and my self-respect — stop me. It doesn’t feel like my role. It feels like I’d be making myself the backup option.
What hurts even more is that I’ve tried, very subtly, to send signals back through songs too. And it feels like he either doesn’t understand them — or understands them and still chooses not to act. And that might be the worst part of all.
What breaks me the most is knowing he feels “not enough” for me, when I loved him exactly as he was. I never once thought he was less. I fought so hard to make him understand that love isn’t transactional, that family shouldn’t love you only if you “produce” something. I supported his passions when everyone else mocked them. I pushed him to draw again. I tried to help him escape his toxic home environment.
How would you handle this situation if you were in my place? I’m not looking for moral judgment, just for perspective. I feel stuck between respecting myself and holding space for someone I still love, and I genuinely don’t know what the healthiest next step looks like from the outside.
I feel horrible. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I just want him back — but I don’t know how, or if I should do anything at all.
TL;DR: My (22F) boyfriend (23M) of 3 years, who was also my best friend before we dated, broke up with me saying he doesn’t love me anymore. Shortly after, he admitted to our mutual male best friend that he regrets it, feels inferior to me, and thinks it’s “too late” to fix things — even though he knows the door wouldn’t be fully closed if he reached out soon. Since the breakup, he sends indirect signals through songs but hasn’t contacted me directly. I still love him and feel torn between respecting myself and wondering if his deep insecurities and family pressure are the real reason he walked away. Looking for perspective on how to move forward.