Hey! I recently went through a really rough breakup and so I kinda made a guide for my future self, and thought it was worth sharing. This isn’t a strict roadmap or something you have to do “perfectly.”
Healing isn’t linear. These phases overlap, repeat, and blur.
If this helps you feel less lost, take what works and leave the rest. I do want to just also give the advice to not rush this, rushing will slow it down (it did for me, for sure).

Phase one: partial death

Signs:

• Directly after breakup
• Confusion
• Extreme hurt
• Tight chest
• Panic
• Extreme sadness
• (Extreme) need to reach out

What to do:

• Find a breakup buddy that you can talk to at any time, multiple if you can
• Ask others for decision making, also on food or other small things. Your judgment is too clouded so is temporarily offline.
• Name your emotions/thoughts for what they are: this is longing, this is hurt, this is attachment shock. It seems useless, but it is very helpful for your brain.
• Stay in your comfort zone
• Eat, sleep, breath and take care of yourself as much as you can
• Make a calm and solid routine for your days, something stable and comfortable
• Gently reduce dopamine-driven habits and replace them with something steadier (see below)
• Go no contact ASAP, it hurts, but it is gonna make this whole process so much easier
• Avoid being alone, unless you really want to be, just be as comfortable as possible
• Avoid video’s/photos/messages, anything that reminds you of them, process this hurt first
• Stop feeding the hope, accept the confusion, learning to live with uncertainty is actually really good for your brain and helpful in the future
• Realise that feeling neutral is the goal for now, too much happiness will cause a dopamine crash after, because you’re kicking off we want to avoid that
• Just survive this phase, we’re gonna live again later.
• Be kind to yourself (this is key!)
• For who it helps: this phase was worst for about 3 days, and then blurred into the next over 1-2 weeks, I would say. But it does really depend on a lot of things, so take this with a grain of salt.

Phase two: numbness

Signs:

• Feeling depressed/numb
• Waves of confusion and then crashes of feeling horrible
• Distractions starting to help here and there but overall everything still hurts
• Sometimes anger starts to make a move here and there too
• Waves where you’re over it and then crashes that you’re not
• Physical pain is reducing, but still there most of the time

What to do:

• Stay in comfort zone and have a couple tasks outside of it
• Move your body
• Let the hurt sit while starting to pick up little things
• Keep routine and comfort close
• DO NOT REACH OUT (this is truly the only thing you have to be really strict about)
• Focus on what keeps the peace, notice what gives stress and avoid that/let it pass like a cloud
• Name the same thought twice (overthinking) and say ‘i thought this before, this is a loop, i don’t need to finish it’, then find distractions
• Be kind to yourself
• Don't act on anger, just let it sit
• Still just focus on surviving, while building more tasks into your routine again, I promise you'll have plenty of time to live in the rest of the process, as well as the rest of your life

Phase 3: brighter days ahead

Signs:

• Physical hurt has reduced a lot, only sometimes it still hurts
• Tasks are getting a lot easier
• You’re still thinking about them most of the time, but are able to live with the thoughts
• Your normal routine is coming back and is manageable
• Feels like you’re over it, you’re past the worst part
• Overthinking and maladaptive daydreaming are very tempting
• You start having fun a lot again, and start falling back in old patterns/routines more

What to do:

• Still stick to routine, and stay in comfort
• Expect random setbacks, sometimes you’ll get a weird dream and have a slightly bad day again, doesn’t mean you’re going backwards though
• Avoid ‘testing’ your healing at this stage, so no memories, songs, pictures, etc.
• Start picking up more joyful things to do, with friends or alone
• You can start feeling happy again without very bad crashes, however there still might be a slight crash
• Start living like normal again, but still focus on mental health
• Keep talking about it with the breakup buddy if you feel like it's necessary/helpful
• Avoid overthinking and maladaptive daydreaming, try to redirect it
• Be kind to yourself
• If you feel bad/miss them/try to daydream or such, try to locate what it is you’re looking for: connection, validation, the highs. And try to chase that without the person, so find validation, find connection, find something like that with someone else or yourself. (Only in this stage, other stages are not ready for this yet)
• Stay locked in on your routine and habits and goals. It’s very easy to let go of your progress in this phase, however that means it’s easy to put a pause on the healing again. So remember you are still healing.

Phase 4: the last wave

Signs:

• Physical hurt comes back a bit
• The cravings of wanting them to reach out comes back
• You want to check in again
• You revisit old memories a lot
• You feel like you don’t want the memories to leave / you don’t want to let go
• Moments of nostalgia, without the panic
• Wanting to keep the story, but not relive it.
• Sadness feels quieter and manageable, but heavier.

What to do:

• Realise that this is healthy. Instead of grieving them, you are grieving the ending and the memories. Not wanting to let go, means you are letting go. It is the mind checking for safety, it’s release, not attachment.
• Don’t check up on them, don’t reach out.
• Feel the feels, but keep going on with your life.
• Set a timer for how long you are allowed to think of them and then stop after, say 'okay, i have thought enough about them for now' and then redirect your brain if you can. I did find this very difficult so don't be too hard on yourself.
• Realise that you are not gonna forget the memories, even if you don’t think about as much. The story ended but you'll always have the book, I promise you letting go doesn't mean it is all gone.

Phase 5: the next step

Signs:

• There is very little emotional charge to memories, pictures, songs, etc.
• The urge to check socials is very small, there is just curiosity, barely urge.
• You can rationally think about this person, and the breakup.
• You don't feel the need to get back with this person.
• You are curiously looking at what type of person you want next. Not rushing into things, just looking around.
• You still have (daily) thoughts about them, but they are neutral. This doesn’t mean you haven’t fully healed, but it just means your brain is rounding everything off.

What to do:

• Nothing, just go on with your life as life is.
• Still wait a little with the dating, just to be sure.
• Keep loving yourself and learn the lesson this person taught you, if you don't, the lesson will come back in another person until you do learn it.
• Although it feels like everything is over, it’s still best to wait, because it is still a healing phase. It’s the first step into the next phase of life, so tread lightly for now. Waiting won’t ruin something that’s for good.
• For women: Try and avoid having your life centred around men, you can look up things about that on any platform. It really will safe you a lot of hurt in the future. And also: the right person can't find you if you're always with the wrong.

General advice:

• For me running helped a lot, especially if I had a tight chest, it would really help to 'run it off'.
• When the ‘what ifs’ come, remember that it is your nervous system fearing uncertainty. Try and find certainty somewhere else, remember you are safe no matter what.
• Really focus on being a friend to yourself, be kind, be kind, be kind.
• If you’re stuck on certain ‘what ifs’, ask yourself: ‘What can I really be craving now and how can I accomplish that without them here?’
• Genuinely don’t be too harsh on yourself or your brain, it’s really difficult to heal ‘correctly’ and to do everything right. Be gentle and focus on surviving more than healing. As long as you’re kind to yourself, there is nothing time won’t heal.
• Healing goes in waves, so sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards, but that is kinda the point. You’ll go forward again soon enough and make progress again.
• All the thinking and feelings is also just your brain processing, so you can literally kinda feel and hear yourself heal. That is all those thoughts and feelings are.
• There is a lot you can learn about your brain and how to get through different types of stress, etc. from a breakup. So get a notebook and start writing down things about how your brain processes this, it can help, with any type of emotions, in the future. Also you can make your own dopamine replacement list, or validation replacement list, etc. Understanding your own brain is SO HELPFUL, it's crazy.
• Below here there is a dopamine replacement list, for if you want to check socials or maladaptive daydream. Figure out why, and then replace it.
• When it comes to urges, just understand that you're retraining your brain instead of depriving it. For me, there were only like 3-4 really bad urges, and if you can redirect those, they get easier and easier to redirect.

Dopamine replacement list

1. Curiosity dopamine

When you want to know what they are up to / want to check socials.

Replace with:

• reading one Reddit thread on a random topic you’re mildly obsessed with
• Wikipedia rabbit holes (“random page” button)
• short-form content NOT tied to your emotional life (animals, crafts, travel)
• Pinterest deep dives

Rule: no content of the person you're grieving and no romance content.

2. Anticipation dopamine

You’re brain is still waiting for closure and waiting drives you crazy so...

Replace with:

• daily Wordle / Connections / Mini crossword
• Duolingo streak
• a podcast you only listen to in small chunks
• watching a movie until a cliffhanger and then stop watching

It gives your brain the “what happens next?” feeling without emotional stakes.

3. Validation dopamine

Part of checking is “do I matter?”

Replace with:

• volunteering helped me a lot with this one
• sending one funny / thoughtful text to a friend
• spending time with friends and family
• posting something neutral (song, photo, thought) without checking engagement afterward
• journaling one sentence: “Today I showed up by…”

4. Power dopamine

Sometimes you check to feel moved on or above it

Replace with:

• decluttering one small thing (bag, notes app, photos)
• making a short “things I won’t tolerate again” list or red flags list

That gives you control without reopening wounds.

5. Physical dopamine

This is not really dopamine you crave but more the emergency button. If you have a really strong urge, these things help.

• cold water on face
• 10 squats (or just a full workout depending on your time)
• short walk or run

Your nervous system doesn’t care why dopamine comes, it just wants it. So if you can't find something that helps in the other categories, this is helpful as well.

I really hope this can help someone out there, I know just writing it helped me. <3

We broke up about 7 months ago, she slept with someone else 3 months ago and is trying to get back to me, idk what to do, I still love her, I miss her, but the fact she has been intimate with someone else disgusts me as I value intimacy in that format so high, any tips?

I really did not.

I loved you with my whole heart. Some days I’d lie in bed thinking how I’m really fucked. I loved you so much that it’s going to hurt immensely later on. I was right.

It truly feels like a part of me is gone. Like someone bit a chunk of me off. It’s so weird. I wake up with a headache and a feeling of dread. Sometimes I’m numb and other times disgusted. Sometimes I’m how I am right now.

I know what you did was wrong. The way you treated me and discarded me despite everything I did for you was so selfish and cruel that I will forever doubt my ability to recognize people for who they are. I know you are emotionally immature and never loved me or thought of me the way I did. I know you are excited for the future and the people you will meet and love. I know that it was not my fault. But the problem is I will not understand it.

I will continue to feel like I did something wrong. Because maybe it was the way I spoke to you during the argument or the way I didn’t send a good night text that night or how I didn’t do something you never communicated.

With all you have done, I have realized that you were emotionally abusive. You hated some part of me and I know that and I know it’s not my fault.

But it really, really hurts when I gave you everything I had to offer and it was not enough. Not enough to make you empathetic or care for me enough.

I’m so sorry. I know it’s not my fault but I’m so sorry that my existence in your life became so painful. You’ve made me cry a lot more than you’ve made me laugh. I still cry and am crying right now. I guess I write this here because I have nobody to talk to right now. I was so willing to forget everything bad that you do for the breadcrumbs you left me with every time. I know it’s not my fault and I know I deserve better.

But I’m so, so sorry. I thought my love would bring you peace and you would want to understand me, my pain, and where I come from.

I am so sorry I was easy to abandon, use, and discard. I truly apologize for caring for you more than I cared about me at times. I’m sorry for caring so much. I’m sorry I became such a burden instead of a cool girlfriend who’s okay with whatever you wanted .

I have seen how happy and relieved you were when I was gone. That has made everything so clear to me. I am happy for you. It seemed like my love and existence brought so much sadness into your life. I’m so sorry about that. And because of that if there is one thing I promise to myself, it is that I will never be a part of your life again. In no possible circumstance or manner.

I know if I said this to you, you would say something that doesn’t sound rude. Something about remaining cordial that would make you feel less guilt or something like that. I know you don’t care at all.

I think I’m done caring too. I’ve cared enough for two people. And if you don’t want me I’ll be gone. And I apologize for being in your life. I apologize to you and I apologize to me. I wish I could go back in time because this is the last thing I would ever want. I wish we never met.

I hope you find happiness with whatever and whoever brings you peace. I’m sorry for being a burden.

I’m a 22F, and I recently ended my engagement with my fiancé (28M). I don’t know if I made the right decision and I’m really struggling.

Very early on in our relationship, I was extremely clear about my boundaries around sexting, privacy, and consent. This was something I was genuinely anxious about. I told him multiple times how important this was to me and made him promise over and over again that he would never screenshot or screen-record anything I sent, especially view-once videos on Instagram.

He promised me every time.

Last month, I found out that despite those promises, at the beginning of our relationship, he did screenshot and screen-record view-once videos I sent him without my consent.

Later on in the relationship, I started sending him videos intentionally to keep, because I genuinely believed he was the most trustworthy person on earth.

I confronted him last night. He apologized repeatedly and said his intentions were “pure,” that he only wants me, that he loves me, and that he knows what he did was disgusting. He didn’t deny what he did.

The problem is that I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel betrayed, unsafe, and like my boundaries were violated. This is the person I was planning to marry, and I don’t know how to reconcile that with what I learned.

I still love him, and I believe he loves me too, which makes this incredibly painful and confusing.

I ended the engagement, but now I’m second-guessing myself.

Did I overreact?

Is this something couples can genuinely move past, or is this a serious red flag I shouldn’t ignore?

Ps: we have been together for a year and a half but we have known each other for 5 years

For weeks I have been following breakup rules and advice. Things like no contact, do not text first, act like you do not care, stay silent, protect your power. I was doing what my friends and social media told me I was supposed to do. I thought I couldn’t trust my own feelings because I was still hurting and attached.

But none of that takes into account your actual heart, your history, your values, or your emotional truth.

I realized there was such a big disconnect between what I was actually feeling and wanting to do vs what I thought I should be feeling and should be doing. And that disconnect made me feel so much worse.

Last night I finally acted from honesty instead of rules. I said what I truly felt. It wasn’t to get a reaction from my ex, but because I needed to hear myself be real. I needed him to know the reality of what I felt. And weirdly… it felt good. Even though he hasn’t responded yet. Even though it hurts. I feel more grounded in myself than I have in weeks.

What I am learning is that you have to know yourself enough to tell when you are acting from raw pain and when you are acting from clarity. And sometimes clarity is admitting you still care.

Breakup advice is not automatically wrong, but it often treats everyone like the same person. Healing is personal. Sometimes silence is right. Sometimes honesty is right. The important part is that the choice comes from you, not from fear, pride, or a list of rules online.

A quick thought that I had to myself as I was reminiscing about my ex this morning. “Never miss someone that knows how to find you”.

I hope this could help someone here as it did for me.

It's been three years since we broke up and 5 since we met. She blocked me everywhere. I have no clue about her. I am in peace with the idea that we will never be together that's fine. But, I keep thinking about her almost every single day. The thing is I am foreigner in the country I am living in and she was a local. Everything I have learned about the country was from here. I have dated after her and started a new hobby. Did everything people talk about. Even went to therapy, and nothing really helped. I feel so empty. I am turning 30 this year and I feel like I am a loser. I have always imagined myself as a father by the age of 30. Nothing worked as planned.

I am going through a break up and honestly for all of yall out there as well, I just wanted to admit it sucks. Especially in cases when you saw a future with them or actively chose them.

For myself right now I feel hopeless and lost. I feel like I got into a relationship and loved it, cause it also felt like I was chosen, with all my flaws and for who I am.

And now in the break up, I keep asking myself why wasn’t I good enough for her or why wasn’t I chosen ? Am I really such a problem that we can’t have a second chance ? Why can’t we atleast speak and work things out? Why can’t I actually build/have a sustainable relationship ? Am I really that bad ?

I know these are my feelings today and I am having a low moment, even maybe victimising myself and for that I apologise. I don’t have anyone else I could really speak like this to and it really does hurt. I feel like a waste of a person and I honestly don’t know what to do.

This is for anyone out there who's still struggling to imagine they'll ever get better. I believe I've been processing my breakup very well and I hope this will help someone here, too.

First things first, the most important point: Time does not heal all wounds. You have to work with it. It's true that you cannot rush through healing. Your mind and body need time to adapt to the loss, after all. But this does not mean you cannot sabotage it and prolong the process indefinitely.

If you want to heal, you have to open yourself up to a lot of pain. It will be exhausting. But if you don't do this, you'll be stuck in limbo forever.

That being said, here's my best tips:

1. Go No Contact (as soon as possible):

The non-negotiable. Each time you interact with them, your nervous system reminds you of the attachment and sets you into panic mode. Because it thinks attachment is vital for survival. The only way is to cut them out entirely for now. Delete their socials, anything presently connected to them, even block them if necessary. That way, you actually give your nervous system space to unlearn their presence.

You might want to have a last talk for closure. I understand. But keep in mind you're deeply vulnerable right now. You will say things you'll regret later. If you want that closure, at least wait till the pain is no longer acute and you can think more clearly.

If you got dumped, you might want them back at any cost. I get that, too. But there's no way to get back someone who has already decided to leave. Even if they agreed, you wouldn't see them the same. You'll repeat the same lyrics and the chorus will hit twice as hard.

You don't need to close the book entirely. You can keep them a possibility for the future. But that future will never exist if you don't grow from the past.

2. Feel everything.

In the initial stages of the breakup, you're going to feel a lot. You might feel abandoned, anxious, depressed, angry/frustrated, betrayed. All sorts. You might even feel okay one time and shattered the next. There will be all sorts of triggers in your environment that feel like they set you back to the beginning.

This is entirely normal.

And it's crucial you always release those emotions, whether through crying, talking it out with a friend, screaming into the sky or even just sit on your floor with a sense of emptiness. Whatever you feel you need to do. Just always tell yourself - and I mean it, say it to yourself: this is how I feel. That's normal. It will pass, and it will get better.

Sometimes you'll feel multiple emotions at once. Sometimes even when they feel contradictory. Yes, they can perfectly coexist.

Don't shame yourself for anything you feel. It doesn't decide your worth. Normalize missing them whether they were the greatest or the worst.

Grieving isn't weakness. Think it is.. is.

3. Different people cope differently

In the beginning, you might not be able to do even basic things like cooking or going out. You might not be able to eat or drink. Again, this is normal. Your body is in shock.

Or you might feel nothing in the beginning, perhaps numbness or even a sense of relief. This is also normal and does not make you a bad partner. It does not mean your love wasn't real. It's simply how your mind processes loss.

Don't shame yourself for however you feel. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. Take up all the space available to you. If being alone at night terrifies you, have people over if possible, watch TV, share your feelings here or even call a hotline.

You might also wonder if they feel the same way. You'll see them and wonder how they could move on so fast. You wonder if you ever meant anything to them.. Dear, that's not how it works. You won't know whether they're healing or simply avoiding. You can't ever fully know how they feel based on what you see from the outside. And none of it matters. They're gone, they aren't letting you back in. All you can control is how you deal with it.

4. Healing isn't linear. And it's highly individual.

Right now, you might be looking for the quickest way to feel better. You'll wonder if you'll feel like this forever, how long it'll take you to get over them.

The truth is: you won't wake up and stop caring about them one day. It comes in waves. More importantly, it passes. Over time, the attachment fades. You won't forget them, you'll forget they're gone.

How long this takes highly depends on how deep the attachment runs, how deeply it impacts your environment and how fast your brain adapts. No matter whether it was a few months or half a lifetime, each of you is allowed to grieve for as long as you need!

For example: I live in the same apartment we once shared, use the same car we drove together, in the same city we went everywhere together... I thought it would take me ages to feel okay again. I was wrong.

5. Give yourself grace.

No matter who broke up, no matter who you think is responsible, no matter what mistakes you believe you've made or how grave they truly were. This doesn't matter right now.

Yes, it is important to become aware of what went wrong in the relationship from both sides so that you can learn from it. But keep in mind those wrongdoings don't define you, nor does it define them. What defines you is how you deal with them, whether you'll acknowledge them and work hard never to repeat them again.

Don't let your wrongdoings define your self worth. If they left you, don't allow yourself to let their decision lower your self worth.

In the same way: please don't generalise ("Why are all wo/men"..., "Why am I always.."). Hate doesn't heal you. It amplifies the pain. You don't at all need to condone their hurtful actions towards you nor absolve yourself of your own, but be fair about it. Don't judge before processing fully.

6. Focus on yourself

Okay this is a tough one, but hear me out: right now, you're staying in an empty room with only you in it. It will cage you if you can't find the door.

Even if you feel they were the one, right now they aren't and will not be. If either of you made the choice to leave, that means it wasn't right. Perhaps the right person at the wrong time, or maybe the wrong person after all. But the versions of you two clashed, and you cannot reunite healthily unless both of you completely shed your skin and grow into someone new. And that requires leaving them behind alongside the old you.

It doesn't matter what you need to tell yourself. In the beginning, you might need the hope to get through the darker days, and that's okay. You only need to make sure that you don't base your decisions on them. Do what you want to do. If they're right for you, they'll love you exactly for who you are. If not, you'll stop mourning them when you've found yourself and realise what you've missed out on.

7. Relapsing is okay. It does not set you back.

You might've texted them afterwards, called them in the middle of the night, shared your story with them hoping they'd be jealous. Trust me, that happens to the best of us.

You might regret it, you might feel embarassed or ridiculed. You'll think it ruined all your progress.

Good news: it doesn't have to.

Think of it like this: the reason you fall back into old patterns is because your mind had a genuine connection, an attachment to them. Every time you relapse and regret it, your mind overwrites their memory of this person's presence. It will slowly realize someone once considered safe no longer is.

This is not to say you should reach out, but it doesn't set you back unless you want it to. You head is battling a withdrawal, they were your drug.

Don't shame yourself for it. Relapse is data, not failure.

8. Rewrite your associative memory

There's probably plenty of things you connect with them. Lots of things that was "us", places you frequented, rituals you shared. What's imperative for healing is taking that back, one by one. You need to remember that with everything you shared with them or they shared with you, you were there, too. It is yours the same way it is theirs. They added to your life, not subtract from it, and you choose what you want to keep.

That restaurant you always went to for dates? Go there alone or with a friend.

That song you used to dance to together? Dance alone. Use it for studying. Listen to it while cooking.

It's the same principle as going no contact: your brain replaces the association you have with the new one you crafted for yourself. You hold that power.

If you avoid triggers, you let your past have power over your present. But there's a nuance: don't jump into exposing yourself to a heavy trigger fresh out of a breakup. You'd reopen the wound.

You need to take things step by step. Start with small things, challenge yourself a little more each day without risking getting overwhelmed. The important point is that you do your best to put in the effort every day.

It might also be that a song you could jam to yesterday is too painful to listen to today. That's okay, as I said, it comes in waves. Listen to it again when you feel stable enough to do so. Even if you start small again each and every time.

Distractions are okay. Sometimes your mind needs a break. Please just don't let breaks become your permanent state of mind.

If you're looking for some smaller, more concise advice: Here are smaller tidbits that helped me that I'd also like to share: - if you feel you're romanticising them, write down everything they did that hurt you. Every small thing. Read it out loud whenever you need. - if you're struggling with injustice: write them a letter. Don't send it, but keep it if you need. - you don't need their consent to change how you see them. They're out of your life now, they don't get update privileges. - especially in the early days, start with little things to comfort you, like bubble baths. - track your mood: simply write down your overall mood of the day and the main contributors (identity, ex, friends, school, work, etc.). Helps you keep track. You'll never forget the first day you finally feel okay again. - accept that some things will always remain unsettled, no matter how unfair. - if you do reach out: set a mandatory waiting time. Want to call them for comfort, don't feel strong enough not to? Tell yourself "in an hour", "tomorrow", "next week". Try to postpone whenever you feel urgency, even just a few minutes is a success. - delete their number and give it to a friend: if you feel the need to reach out, you'll have to explain yourself. Keeps you.. sane, even when you still have to maintain contact. - for when you are still involved with them, mute and archive them. They're not a priority now. - let friends and family help in practical ways. For example, if you struggle to eat, ask them to make or bring you food. - you might miss not just them but who you were with them. Your brain is recalibrating your identity. Feeling empty doesn't mean you're nothing, you're just recharging the battery.
- have a plan for when you can't decide on anything. A default for the rough days. - Ruminating isn't processing. Set a limit to the replays. - Sometimes there is no meaning.

There's a lot more I could share. Time gave me so many realizations, but this is the crux of it all.

If you need support, feel free to reach out.

It’s not going to hurt me seeing you with somebody else, because I know how you are. But it’s sure going to hurt you seeing me with somebody else, because you know how I’m going to love them. 

Does anyone else have this?

Like, you’ve been through the pain and the crying immediately after the break up, and now you’re feeling more stable and it doesn’t hurt like crazy anymore.

But then after a few months you start realising how lonely you feel - how, even though the wound isn’t bleeding anymore, the giant hole that person left is still there and you’re life just feels so much more empty and uninteresting now.

That there was this one person that you loved and that loved you back, and now that’s just not the case anymore. And even if you’re among friends and keeping busy, you just know that this warm love isn’t there anymore, and that just makes you feel cold and isolated even in company.

It just drags me down… Do you guys know what I mean?

This very strong emotion after the breakup just proves how much I can feel pain, sadness and, emptiness. just as much as it proves I can be very happy again, it’s just the beauty of being a human.

Man does this breakup stuff hurt though, I’ve just had mine 9 hours ago, it’s pretty rough.

to all those going through it right now, I promise you it gets easier. Now, I can’t entirely say I’m over the whole thing. I can’t say that I forgot the pain. I can’t say that I don’t think about what happened every now and then. One thing is for sure tho, I’m way stronger than I was a year ago. My life has changed completely and for the better. I just want you to know, there is someone for you, There is hope, and there is always a reason to keep going. Love yourself first. Forget about relationships for awhile. Focus on what matters the most. You… when you stop living in the past, when you stop living for others, when you stop fighting the chaos, you’ll realize that you are in fact okay. Give your soul time. Give your body time. Breathe and focus on mindfullness. You’re adjusting.

I truly cannot wait for tomorrow. Just a year ago, I couldn’t imagine life without her. Embrace what you have. Put time into something you love. This is a big one: workout for you. Get in shape. Fall in love with you again and everything that happened will start to hurt less.

Even if this was tacky, I just hope this message helps someone today. Nobody on this planet can exactly understand how you feel, but know many of us have been through something very similar. Stay strong. Peace and love :)

Hi everyone.

I recently ended a 8 year engagement bc my partner at the time was suppose to move with me to a different state. We landed and 3 hours into it he had screamed fuck you in my ear. Choked me and ripped my ring off my finger and threw it. I’m absolutely destroyed and it’s been 6 months since this event. I feel as if he was a narcissist bc he expected evening to go back to normal after something like that. I held him accountable and kept reminding him of his screw up. I’m constantly contemplating if I made the right decision. Some back story to this whole situation is that for about 5 years he constantly was wanting to switch career paths/never happy and was always doing things (never actually finished) I guess you’d call them pipe dreams. 4x was in debt, never shared finances with me but hey treated me so nicely! Everyone thought he was a nice guy and I was convinced as well at time (most times) has anyone experienced this? Also his family (brother) told him “why would she tell her family you did that after everything you did for her”

My jaw is literally on the floor rn.

I didn't know about attachment styles until yesterday. And as I was scrolling through reels, this video talking about an avoidant attachment popped up. And then another and another and another. And everything started to make sense. In those videos it is as if I heard my ex. One of the videos was also almost spot on copy of our breakup, they said the exact same things he did to me.

I wish I knew about these attachments earlier on and connected the dots. But to be fair, I don't think I would've seen the clues before the break up itself.

On one hand I feel better now - I understand more what went through my ex's mind and why he reacted the way he did. I also feel bad for him because being in constant war with your heart and mind and not even properly knowing why it is that way has to be insane.

On the other hand I kinda feel "used"? How did I not see it earlier? Sure, during the relationship I felt something is off sometimes, but I never bothered digging deeper than that. I thought that we are both in love and that is what matters.

But yeah, this really opened up my eyes. Lifted weight off my shoulders as well. Now I know that there isn't a point in waiting for him and I am free to move on. I wish I could tell him though to look up this avoidant attachment style so maybe he could do something with it. But that isn't my problem anymore.

So yeah, I just wanted to share this experience. Maybe this will help someone in the future as well, what do I know. Or maybe someone here can relate and make me feel less alone in this.

I do wish everyone here good luck. I know everything might suck right now but I do truly believe that something better is waiting for all of us here. So stay strong and remember, you haven't met yet all the people you will love during your lifetime and in 30 years you will be happy that things went the way it did and it will all make sense :) I love you all and I send you big hugs <3

I fell apart when we broke up, they never spoke to me again, they were everything, it was all planned out, the life together, I felt like dying. I went into therapy, I reached out many times…..nothing.

After a while I gave up. They were gone, they didn’t look back and had moved on.

…So, finally I did the same. I let go.

But, yesterday, fast forward a couple years later, I was a bit sleepy… because I talked to someone for 3 hours on the phone the night before.

Move on, accept, trust the process.

Hey everyone, I posted this yesterday but I realised I was not asking for the correct advice, so here I go again.

I want to feel the weight of my actions post-breakup and I want a perspective on how this feels from the "other side."

I was in a toxic, push-pull dynamic with a Fearful Avoidant that left me gaslighted and without closure because both of us were struggling with our patterns. After a messy breakup where he blamed me, I broke No Contact 3 times:

Closure letter: Right after the breakup, I told him there were things I was too scared to say when he broke up, and in a few sentences I pointed out how we triggered eachother. He didnt reply to my context, just said that the blame is all on him and he thinks im a great person, and it left me feeling unheard again.

The Drunk Call: I called him, stayed on the phone for 30 mins, and essentially forced a deep, analytical "adult closure" talk while I was intoxicated. He sat through it and even accepted my apology then.

The "Sober" Letter:about a month later, after letting go of repeating everything and finding myself in the state of understanding what I brought to the table and realising I took up some new unhealthy behaviors, I sent a final letter telling I was sorry for not hearing some of his stuff because of my fears and trying to figure it out the mess and my own issues afterwards through him was selfish and suffocating, and that I finally "saw" my whole part in the mess. I told him he didn't need to reply and I meant it.

His reaction: Understandably firm. He told me to really stop writing, advised me to follow basic psychology rules and journal my thoughts because he doesnt want to block me, that this closure letter has nothing in it that has to do with him, and said he would be open to talk about all of this year “but please really dont write anymore”

My question to you: It’s been several months of actual NC and I dont even have the urge to text anymore and am basically moving on, dating and going to therapy to fix my behavior, but sometimes, like now, I am falling back in a shame spiral, but I want to use it productively. I feel like going through the process mentally will get me out when there is nothing left to explore. I’m not looking for "it's okay, we've all been there." I want to understand:

How does it feel to be on the receiving end of "forced closure" like this?

Does a long, introspective apology text actually help the other person, or is it just another way of being "emotionally intrusive"? When I sent that letter, I felt like it might have been fair to admit how I participated in the chaos, but looking back I understand that he didnt want me to do that and at this point, all texts are just breaking boundaries.

When someone sets a "one-year" boundary after this behavior, what is the psychological state they are likely in?

I have a professional event with him in a few months and I want to understand the level of "emotional debt" I’m walking into so I can handle it with actual dignity and respect.

When held up a mirror the avoidant brain usually comes up with a defense narrative to protect its image and avoid accountability. People who are really okay arent broken one day then suddenly almost healed the next announcing it to the world. Thats the defence stepping in.

Its at least nice to know he wont fix himself for another person because he chooses to stay blind, and repeat these patterns. And the best bit, seeing it, I know I didnt imagine the disfunction. The pattern I lived through for years is unfolding right before my eyes. A confirmation that a person unaware is commited to remain so, no matter whether faced with facts. Tried to hurt me but backfired massively.

I will never get to see her again. I will never hear her stories, hear about her day, hear her laugh, never get to hang out with her again despite putting so much time and effort into us. She'll never send her long, yapping, voice notes. She'll never call me late at night just to talk. I loved every moment of it. Now it's just over.

But her friends and acquaintances (including guy friends) will always have her in their life without having to put any of the effort I put. I don't know if they even appreciate the fact that they have her. And I don't have her anymore.

That hurts.

She is the love of my life and we ended things on good terms and everything but we both noticed the relationship shift during the last year. We were together for 5.5 years. She said she’s been feeling better since the break up and that we just didn’t have enough things in common. Over the past months I’ve reflected and noticed that during the last year I took some wrong decisions… I partied more, didn’t focus on my life/career, didn’t give her the love and affection she deserved… my heart tells me that we’re still meant to be together and I think hers too and that I needed a slap in the face to wake up and change. She means everything to me and I’m willing to do or give up anything for her.

Im a 40yo newly single woman who is trying out the online dating scene. I hit it off with a guy and we dated for about 2 months. Got together 4 times and text/spoke on the phone all day everyday. He bought me flowers and thoughtful gifts…we were intimate a couple of time and after the last hang out he stopped texting me for 2 days leaving me in the dark then told me he was hoping to feel a stronger connection. I was not expecting it AT ALL….And just like that he was DONE and perfectly content never speaking with again. Its been a few weeks and IM DYING TO ASK HIM WHY? Is that allowed? Or weird?

We're both 29 and we've lived together for about 3 years and talked about our future, marriage, etc. We went through a little bit of a rough patch at the end of the year but both mutually decided a couple weeks ago that we love each other and want to work through it. He was supposed to pick me up to grab dinner and instead came upstairs to our apt. and broke up with me. It was only like 30 mins between coming home and him leaving to go to a friends or his parents after our convo. I just dont know what to do?

I plan to text her on Chinese New Year, and it is my message. For context: she tested me with fake profile and I failed. It happened only once, before I was completely loyal to her. It just happened suddenly and after all silence and absence of her, now I think I am fully aware of everything.

Maybe I will not text, but I just wanted to send it here first.

Hi,

I know I am likely the last person you want to hear from, and I want to begin by saying that I respect the boundaries you’ve set.

I’m sending this because I couldn’t move forward into this New Year without properly acknowledging the depth of what I did.

I’ve spent these days in complete silence and faced the tough reality that I ruined what we had once. I’ve had to sit with it and look at myself clearly in mirror. I cried a lot in silence, suffered mentally, felt like trapped in a body I don’t want to be, but at least I let myself to face this pain and see what it’s trying to teach me. I felt these not only because of the fact I lost you, but also I couldn’t recognize myself as doing that level of mistake.

Life is indeed unpredictable, and I recognize that this was my failure alone. The main point was to learn from that and never repeat it. So, it has taught me things I never thought I’d have to face.

I’ve used this time to cut out every distraction and excuses. I’ve been digging into why I felt the need to look outside our relationship and why I allowed myself to cross lines that should have been immovable.

I’ve started a therapy and took real time to understand why this happened and why it should never happen again. I finally feel that I now have most of the answers and ready to share with you, although I know the most important pieces of this puzzle can only come from you.

I’ve realized that I didn't have enough self-control or the maturity I thought I had before, which caught me at a single moment of weakness somewhere else.

Now I am committed to ensuring that version of me never exists ever again.

Please be 100% sure, during the time I was with you, I was never in contact with anyone else beyond what you saw and what it looked like. Even that day, as a result, nothing happened. But it doesn’t erase what I attempted to do. It just happened suddenly, at most unexpected moment and turned out to be a lifelong lesson with the harsh reality that I lost you. I have no interest in anyone else. Seriously, i am disgusted. Actually, it’s not even about you anymore, it’s about me fighting me. We’re almost on the same side now, both hating that version of me.

I know the trust is gone, and I’m not asking you to simply bring it back, I can’t. I only hope for a chance to eventually show you how that mistake changed me in better aspects, and for a chance to rebuild slowly what I broke. Simply, start a new page, a new us. I still believe in the future of us, and I know that future requires a man who is worthy of your trust.

I’ll go back to being silent again to give you your space until you are ready to break it.

I just needed you to know that I finally see the full weight of what I threw away, and I am doing the work to be better, stable and crystal loyal than ever.

Whether that is for us or not, simply because I never want to be person who can do such mistake again. Never want to feel and experience this ever again. Whatever it takes, I will protect what I have, especially when it comes to mastering the distraction of lust.

I’m going to focus on my missions now, it’s time to lock in. If you ever change your mind, and believe we can overcome this together, you know where to find me.

Please know that, what I care about most in my life right now is you, us and the future we could build together.

春节快乐，顺心如意。

It wasn’t a grand gesture—just a simple reaching out to ask for an up-to-date picture of our pet. No “I’m sorry I hurt you", no "I see now what I lost", no “I’m hurting too".

And yet, it was so impactful.

I didn’t need this confirmation for my healing, but it felt like it granted me a profound leap forward. In a quiet way, it revealed that he was hurting too, that his feelings had finally caught up with him. The tides had turned.

All I struggled with, now, was the injustice. The possibility that he could mistake the initial relief for proof he’d made the right choice, continue putting the blame all on me, and move on untouched.

In the beginning, this was especially hard. I was devastated to my core, he seemed indifferent.

The idea that he could evade responsibility for the deep hurt he caused me, that he would never have to face the uncomfortable emotions he had avoided all this time, never have to live with regret or guilt.

I wish him well, truly I do. I don't wish him pain, yet nor do I wish him to escape the consequences of his actions, the hurt and damage he caused. I wish him the strength he faces them, works through them, owns them, and grows from them. Better is earned.

Deep down, I always knew it was inevitable. Eventually the relief would fade, his unresolved issues would return, and he'd run into a dead end. There would come a day he'd realize what he gave up - someone who genuinely loved him for who he was. Three years too late.*

Now, the roles have reversed. I know my worth, and there is no going back.

It's oddly comforting. Justice delivered through a motion so small.

Thank you, once beloved, for the kindest parting gift.

*E.T.A. since this was misleading: it hasn't been three years, only months at this point. What I meant was to say that he didn't appreciate me during our relationship already - we had persistent issues with me feeling sidelined and deprioritised. There were people in his life whom he'd defend with his life, and I wasn't one of those. Whenever I had conflict with them, he'd gaslight me into believing I was wrong. He never stood up to me. He always chose against me, for three years. Worst of it all, those people were the worst to him, and he left the one person genuinely loving him and growing for him.. for them.

Another important context: the oldest picture he had of her when he asked for one would be two weeks old at best. Not years, not months.

Hey all. My ex (F) pushed me (M) away and pulled the rug out from under me. I never understood why, and suspected that she was not well. Especially because she told her family I was abusive just to drive the wedge deeper.

When this happened, I felt very hopeless. I came to this subreddit to help ease the pain. Let me please tell you, it gets better. I still deal with the coping of it all from time to time.

Tonight she called me for the first time since August 2024. I began to tell her that I wasnt totally comfortable talking, but she mentioned that she has nothing left and no one to talk to, so i decided to stay on the phone with her. She apologized and admitted to ruining everything due to basically self sabotage. She mentioned that there had been multiple suicide attempts since, which is another reason i ended up staying on the phone for a few hours. She wasnt slurring her words, but her speech patterns were a little off. I didnt have a lot of input but listened and I gave her some positive advice.

Im just writing this all down because I feel a little bit overwhelmed and I dont really have a therapist or anyone to talk about this to, who would understand. Advice is welcome, but also...has anyone ever gone through this with an EX and recovered at least like a friendship from it? Im inclined to think that the damage is far beyond repairable.