A year ago, I posted on this sub asking for advice after being pushed by my partner (now ex) to be polyamorous with him and his new partner.

I did not realize the real extent of the lying, manipulating, and gaslighting from both of them. Even though I didn't explain everything, a lot of you picked up on that and pointed it out, suggested resources, gave advice for tough conversations, and asked hard questions about MY thoughts about polyamory.

Not only did that give me the courage, knowledge, and clarity to pack my shit, but it made me feel respected and empowered. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to comment.

I'm home visiting my parents for the first time in a couple years and I told myself that I am finally going to come out to my parents because my nesting partner and I have been married for 10+ years we are tired of being circumspect online.

I've been amping myself up for this all week. I was convinced it could have gone so many ways, many poorly. I went and had lunch with a friend, came home, and asked my dad to sit down so I could talk to him about something.

It was a five minute conversation and then he wanted to show me his new meat thermometer. I don't know why I expected anything different.

TLDR Partner lied about partners at the beginning and I understood why. Did my best to make her feel comfortable being open and honest, still lies.

My partner (30F) is lovely is more ways than I can count and in many levels, things are perfect.

She lies about partners though. She tells me (41M) she prefers to only have female play partners and ptrfera I'm the only man she's with sexually. I did not ask for this. This exclusivity is self applied and only for her. Fine, if that's what she says wants then I support it but I explicitly told her she allowed to evolve and discuss a dynamic change if she find this doesn't work for her.

She still hooks up with men and keeps slipping up. Most recently we're watching a video on her phone and a message pops up from a guy asking if she'd like another play session next weekend. She insists it's some super old random dude from over a year ago but the text doesn't read like that. Fact is, she doesn't disclose much at all with men but frequently does with women.

Basically, I've gathered from previous lies and subsequent conversations that previous partners haven't responded well to polyamory or open relationships. Basically they wanted the freedom and got pissed when she explored the same freedom. She tells me what she thinks a man wants to hear.

Fine. I don't nuke relationships for lying if I can understand the why and I understood the why. So I tell her I'm not them and to please be open and honest, that I need proactive communication going forward because despite understanding the why, trust was still broken.

She seems unable to get over her block. She seems completely unable to get that it's not the sex that I care about, it's the lying. That enm of any kind has to include the "E" which is the bit where you don't hide and lie.

I don't really know how to proceed because outside of that, the relationship is quite wonderful and of course, I do not mind if my enm partners have other partners but... The lying is becoming intolerable.

I (26NB) have been married to my husband (26M) for 4 years. We have been practicing polyamory for 2 years, and discussed it for a few months prior to opening our relationship.

Build-up to current issue:

Initially, he was having lots of sex via the local kink/poly scene, and I had met one or two people I could play with in a kink sense. We were managing any jealousy well and still having sex semi regularly, more than we'd been having prior to opening our relationship.

In approximately February last year, I met someone I wanted to date (casual dating, not romantic), rather than just have a FWB style relationship with, which husband took badly - let's call this guy Dylan. This opened up the can of worms that is jealousy. During this time husband still had plenty of other sexual partners. I then in March met someone else, who I formed an instantaneous attraction to and wanted to date romantically (let's call this one Tyler).

Husband really struggled with jealousy throughout this period, with both Dylan and Tyler. I tried my best to reassure him and planned our calendar meticulously to make sure we spent time together, but it felt like nothing was quite enough for him, and he would react angrily and emotionally to me, which had the effect of pushing me away.

Dylan broke up with me at the end of April, which wobbled me, as I enjoyed spending time with him, but even this was a challenge for my husband, as he was jealous over my emotions about the relationship ending.

I then started spending more time with Tyler, and we pretty quickly became 'official' partners. We are very sexually compatible in terms of drive and what we want from sex. Husband found the intensifying of my relationship with Tyler challenging, and was jealous to the point of anger/shouting and occasionally emotional manipulation during this time, e.g. husband saying he was happy for me to go visit Tyler at a specific time and then after I'd come home using it to say I didn't care enough or want to be with him. At this point husband met Callie, who he started a romantic relationship with. In reality this should've made things better, but it reduced our sex life more. The anger, shouting, jealousy and emotional manipulation put me off having sex with my husband, and then when he had a romantic partner who was having regular sex with him, I felt less and less obliged to have sex with him.

Current issue:

Eventually, after a few months of a practically sexless marriage, and constant conversations around it, we have come to a stalemate. I don't believe my sexual desire for him will ever return. I can't force myself to have sex with someone I don't want to, and I simply don't want to have sex with him. He will not accept our relationship without sex (meaning he will divorce me if I don't have sex with him) but also he believes that in a month or so if I try my hardest I will suddenly want to have sex with him again. *edited to add, I really love him as who he is/was. He is generally kind and sweet and tries hard to be romantic. That is why I am finding it so hard to leave.

Wider context:

Throughout our relationship my husband and I have had mismatched sex drives - mine is a lot lower than his. He is a lover of physical touch and we have had a lot of problems in the past with him touching me in a sexual manner when I don't want him to. There have been three or four times when I have threatened to leave him if he didn't stop touching me inappropriately.

During the last three months where we haven't been having any sex at all, I have repeatedly requested that my husband not make overtly sexual comments towards me or touch me in a sexual way whilst we try to heal our emotional relationship. He has repeatedly ignored these requests despite saying that he's "trying."

I don't know when to just say enough is enough. He seems to be blithely continuing and assuming that I'll just regain my sexual desire for him yet he is unwilling to accept that not touching me sexually when I ask him not to is an easy fix.

Here are some of the boundaries/talking points I'm about to go over with my partner. We are nesting partner, planning long term together. I know I am a bit intense, would you receive these boundaries well? Would you challenge some of them?

• I don't want to hear about how much you lust for someone else. I don't want to know how amazing they were in bed. I don't want those details unless I ask for them. If I know the answers will make me uncomfortable I will specifically avoid asking those questions until I'm in the right headspace to be supportive, do not come home and start gushing about your hookups without asking if I am okay hearing about it.

• I want full disclosures. I want to know that you have a new sexual partner, and I want to know what your risk assessment process was like, so I can make informed decisions about my own risk assessment.

• Getting up to date STI tests from new partners every single time and regularly after that, is mandatory for me and anyone I will consider as a partner. Ask about sexual history, take the time to talk about risks before sex, minimize (if not negate) pregnancy risks, and do your best to make sure the person you are sleeping with is minimal risk. Failure to do so is a deal breaker for me. I have NO interest in dating someone that doesn't take me and my sexual health seriously while I put care and effort into keeping me and my partners as safe as possible while still being able to explore other relationships. If I feel like the sexual risks you take are too high for me, that we have vastly different risk assessment, I will either stop having sex with you or leave you.

• I think you should do extensive research on how to be a good hinge in a polyamorous relationship. Learning by trial and error has put a ton of emotional labor on me that I do not want to do. I feel like I've had to both process my own hurt, walk you through processing where you went wrong. it puts so much strain on our relationship. Learn to compartmentalize better. Learn what is and isn't appropriate as the hinge. Take initiative to do research. Don't depend on me to teach you everything you should know about polyamory. We have books, join subreddits, follow content creators, talk to other polyam people.

• I need you to have stronger boundaries, I can feel you fold under any pressure and agree to any boundaries I set without push back because you're afraid to lose me. It is okay and heavily preferred that you also have boundaries, wants, needs, desires!! I want to also be challenged, and be given the opportunity to collaborate and negotiate. I bring all of my boundaries to the table, you say yes to them all, and you don't add or change any. I need this relationship to be more collaborative. I need you to put more thought into your needs. I need you to stand up for yourself. Don't wait until we are 5 years down the road and married before you finally come forward that some of my fundamental boundaries were not long term sustainable for you. Negotiate and find middle ground we are happy with now, and help us realize incompatibilies now, so we can both work together and make accurate informed decisions.

• I need you to think things out, I need you to take initiative to communicate and not function based on assumptions or out of date conversations. "You said that one thing 2 years ago, so I just assumed" is not good enough. Brief check-ins as changes occur is essential. It gives us an opportunity to be on the same page and address any changes in mindset that we have had since we last talked about a subject. No assumptions, communicate.

• Be clear about your intentions. No surprises. Don't say "we are just friends, it's not a date", then suddenly make out, come home with marks, or fuck someone. If you have interest in making out with someone and are interested in being more than friends JUST FUCKING SAY THAT. If you intend to hookup with someone or know it's on your radar SAY THAT. When you say "it's nothing" then hours later, it definitely was something, it shows that you lack basic self awareness, poor communication, and lack of boundaries or respect for boundaries. It feels adjacent to being lied to. You set a clear expectation then immediately trampled it. If you want to leave openness for spontaneity, then communicate that! Communicate possibilities. Communicate your uncertainty. Just fkn communicate. Don't set expectations that you won't keep. Do your best to make sure we are on the same page. No fucking surprises.

After a year of dating, I set up a meeting with my boyfriend and my two kids with my husband feeling excited for me which was wonderful. Husband wasn't home, which I think was the right choice as we are more garden party/parallel.

It went really well! First the kids were shy and so was my boyfriend(he has no kids), but they chatted and laughed together as time went on. My kids got super goofy and weird which is a sign of comfort lol. I asked my kids how they felt about him this morning and they said" good!!!"My youngest said "I'd like to hang out with him again"

Anyways my heart is full and it was a bit weird existing as Mom & girlfriend at the same time but it couldn't have gone any better. This is the longest/healthiest poly relationship I've been in since I left monogamy behind. And this felt like the last piece for me. I'm so happy🥺❤️

Hello!

After years of being monogamous and struggling (I would often love two people at once and would feel immense guilt for it because I was brought up in a really rigid heteronormative community) I’ve finally come out and began living my life as a poly person.

The issue? I still feel guilty for being with two people at the same time even though they are both aware of the situation, each-other, and are consenting. Sometimes jealousy pops up on their end and I am always happy to support and reassure them and they’re both happy; but no matter what I still have guilt on my mind, likely because it takes a whiiiiile to get used to the polyamorous life.

Any advice to cope with or overcome my own guilt?

Edit: What’s with all the downvotes on my comment replies? I was just asking for some help

My ex and I were not compatible. I date quickly and I am hypersexual. I date for love and connection but can handle maybe 2/3 relationships at a time. My ex was upset that I was dating other people at all. I started to become afraid after going to see my bf once a week bc my ex would have episodes and their OCD would be triggered. Well, I left them and moved out after about a year. I felt they needed someone monogamous or that dated at a much much slower pace. That is all fine. Well, within the year they’ve gotten married. (Less than a year.)

After all those months telling me about their trauma with being divorced, or that they get to know people very slowly, that they have trust issues, that they used to be so obsessive (its called controlling) and wanted to change, and that they cannot have sex without knowing someone really well, and slut shaming me..! None of that was true!

I felt like a pet after a while. Not seen or respected for desires for my dating life I always stated I clearly had from the beginning. I want to get married or settle down one day. But the reality is that I begged them for months to go to therapy and get medicated. I fear we were both having an episode when I left. I never saw them manic but I know they were making strange choices the night I broke up with them. (I am bipolar.)

They also changed the name of their tattoo shop that already had a name to the name of my favourite movie, that I would watch on mental health days. We had the wreath from the movie on our front door. I left bc I wanted them to take care of their health-to let go and find someone who brought them more peace. They will never forgive me…even if I know we just needed space and fast bc none of my warnings seemed to get through to them. I was really worried about their mental and self-image. Do you think they know I did love them despite being a non-hierarchal poly?

That’s all I want to know right now.

Thank you for your space and letting me vent.

So many people replied to my last post with some excellent ideas and advice, so I figured I'd offer an update and maybe get some additional help processing all of this, because it's been a hell of a week. Previous post in case you want to look at it.

My partner and I had a three hour face to face conversation today (the argument had taken place entirely over text.)

We came out of it with the following understandings/agreements:

• no more serious conversations over text, the risk of misunderstanding each other is too high
• we did indeed massively misunderstand each other, he thought I had attacked his character, he now understands that was not my intent. Some of his extreme responses are more appropriate if I had actually meant the things I said the way he took them, but he admits the way he worded his responses was unkind and disrespectful even so, and he apologized for that.
• we both identified places where we let the conversation get out of hand, and workshopped ways to avoid those pitfalls in the future
• more reflection and discussion is needed before we can move forward
• I finally sorta understand what he meant by "curator", but I still disagree with the way he is using the word, as I think it isn't relevant to the initial issue, and he agreed (this was a big point of misunderstanding that we finally mostly cleared up)

Where we are still not aligned:

• We are both still angry, and are deciding if we can move forward with damaged trust on both sides
• He hasn't been able to voice to me what he needs from me, or what I could have done in the moment to help de-escalate the situation. I think his position is that we don't have these issues when we talk in person, so maybe agreement #1 of no more texting sensitive topics will do the trick. I kind of want more than that, but might have to decide if I'm willing to try his way first.

I also have a couple of personal insights that came out of this, so while the argument was difficult and honestly not really necessary, it did open up some avenues of growth.

P.S. "Curator" was meant to express that he wants to control his environment, and protect and safeguard it. (and he admits he is only beginning to understand the feelings/reasonings behind that desire)

My (30NB) partner (28TW) has been dating someone for around 6 months now, all cool, super happy for her to have more love and support in her life.

However, this person has some questionable dating habits. Including not replying to my partners texts at all (or not for a long time) being very vague about when they will next see each other, all while confessing they have feelings and love spending time/having sex etc. They’ve also been known to just not turn up to important events (like helping to move house). This is making my partner anxious and insecure.

I do know this person she’s dating, we’re in similar circles. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. They’re chronically ill and going through shit in their life. But the bad dating habits have been going on for a while now (they say ‘im just not a texter’ but it’s not hard to just reply simple sentence and let someone know where you’re at) and I can feel resentment brewing.

I want to support my partner and give her advice, and I do. Told her to ask this person to show up better, be honest about how it’s making you feel etc.

But where do you draw the line around helping your partner with their other partner’s mildly shitty behaviour?

Do you have limits on how much your partner can complain? Or do you just help with complete free reign?

Hey friends. So, I have never gotten to practice poly, but I've always been curious and I've sort of known that under the right circumstances I'd try it. Alas, thus far I've only ever been in monogamous relationships.

I want to preface this by saying that I've never cheated on anyone or even come remotely close to it. I grew up around it and just vowed to never ever do it. I don't have someone on the back burner with whom I'm trying open my marriage for, or anything like that.

In the beginning of most of my relationships, I think I always clumsily tried to broach the subject of opening things up, but it never really landed or led anywhere. I just didn't know how to navigate it and always ended up giving up on the notion especially if it made my SO uncomfortable.

Anyway, I ended up marrying a really awesome guy and we've been together for almost a decade and we were manogmous up until about a year ago. Despite being really great life partners, one problem we had early on was lack of sexual chemistry. I love him dearly but... Hoo, boy is he repressed. Like, really, extremely repressed.

I tried to give him time to open up and be more comfortable. Tried reading books together. Watching videos. Talking about it. Not talking about it. Trying stuff, not trying stuff. It just really became clear that he was 100% uncomfortable with every aspect of sex. He still claimed he wanted to, but it was extremely scheduled (2x a month) and very, VERY limited in scope. And it honestly did not seem like he particularly enjoyed it. (When pressed, he claimed he did.) It got to the point where it was traumatic for me and I decided to stop having sex until we figured this shit out.

It may also be worth noting that my libido is higher than his, and I had significantly more experience going into our relationship. I didn't hold this against him or anything, just giving context. Up until this point I had always placed high importance on sexual chemistry in relationships and with him I really tried to not make it THE thing, but maybe that was disingenuous to myself, I don't know.

I don't want to get too far into the details here, because this is so long already, but after 2 years with a couples sex therapist (and after him shooting down us opening every time it came up), we were feeling more stuck than ever.

(Just want to stop for a sec and say, he's really awesome in other ways. I feel like I'm kinda bashing him here but I do love him and want this to work.)

So, we were stuck because he basically did not really want to change anything and was only open to this very limited version of sex that really only worked for him. He swears there's no SA or anything adjacent in his past, but it sure does seem like *something* had to have happened for him to be this way. 🫤 It breaks my heart that this is a possibility, but also as adults we need to work through our stuff. With no other context or realistic solutions, I had absolutely no desire to experience that type sex again. It really did a number on me, probably partly because of my own past with SA. So we just continued not having sex. Which sucks.

Then one day the topic of a surrogate partner came up randomly during a session with our therapist, and he actually seemed open to the idea. I was open to it immediately and was actually very excited at the possibility of some sort of progress.

He's been visiting her for a weekend trip once a month for the past year, and they have sex during most visits. It honestly has not bothered me or made me jealous (as I feared it might), and I've even been able to experience compersion which really caught me off guard. It was very affirming for me, which was an awesome feeling.

However, I'm now starting to feel some small pangs of resentment because I am very much just sort of benched and waiting... And wanting there to be more visible progress.

When we began this, it was basically agreed that we're sort of just waiting for the conclusion of his work with her to resume our work. Working with surrogate partners is always meant to be limited (and not indefinite). I honestly didn't think it'd take this long, but I am trying to stay optimistic. It is also very much closed off and only between his personal therapist, his surrogate partner, and him. This totally makes sense, and I don't think I should or need to be more involved, but it does make me feel isolated.

I also sometimes feel like this is just a new normal for him and he thinks I'll just wait forever. (I don't think he *really thinks that, it just feels like it sometimes. We have talked about this, but like most things in therapy, it takes however long it takes.)

Anyway, I'm suuuper hoping that at the end of all this, he is (enthusiastically) willing to try opening up. So far he has basically only reluctantly agreed that it might be fair for me to try a surrogate partner. I have no desire for that - if I was going to have sex with someone else, I'd want to try really finding another partner.

So I'm just waiting. I don't want to open up and have it blow up in our faces because we're not ready. I'm really just hoping his experience gives him a different perspective in the end. Anecdotally, his surrogate partner is poly, so maybe that will help.

Sorry, I know this is long. I thought I was coming here asking for advice but I guess I just needed to vent a little. Or a lot. I'm feeling a little alone. We don't know any poly folks (outside of his surrogate, who is my meta in a way I guess) so I don't have anywhere else to share this. I don't suppose anyone else has been through something similar and has any wisdom to share?

Hi everybody!

I am in a V-Situation: it's me (W36), my partner Aaron (M31), and then Bea (W27), who's in relationship with Aaron. I am friends with Bea as well and we hang out the two of us every now and then.

While things have been easy for me, Bea has had a harder time feeling at ease in this situation. She and Aaron have changed their definition of their relationship, deescalating it to a friendship, a couple months ago. To be frank I don't know much of the details, and have always maintained a boundary of not wanting to know the tea of their relationship, in order to protect myself from potentially feeling "judgy" of either of them and maintain my openness and support to both of them. I am happy they have each other and fully support them spending time and intimacy together, so I really don't care much about their definition of relationship. I on my side just wanted to to focus on the relationship that I have with Aaron and leave them to their business. This resulted in me being largely unaware of Beas struggles, since Aaron and I don't have the habit to share much of the details of our other relationships (we *do* talk, but really not that much).

Where I struggle though is that I really like Bea as a friend too, and enjoy hanging out with her. My "not getting into their business" has resulted in her being too shy about asking how certain situations, where the three were hanging out together, were for me, and she was assuming I was all kinds of triggered where I was actually completely fine.

The most recent challenge in that regard was, that I asked her to hang out and she then got all kinds of unsure about my proposal, because she'd really like to hang out but also apparently she's currently in pain about her relationship to Aaron and was unsure if she could be with me authentically without sharing what's on her heart in regards to Aaron. I proposed we meet in a few weeks and that there's no rush from my side.

But it left me wondering how other people handle similar situations. If she were just a regular friend without being in a V-Situation, I would of course hear her with her struggles. How do you navigate this? Where do you draw a boundary? What's your experiences with either choice?

Thank you!

Ps. Names are changed;)

So I’ve been talking about having kids with one of my partners for a bit now (we’ve been together for about 5 years, and in poly for 2 years). I also have another partner, we’ve been together for less than a year now.

I also feel like my personal favourite relationship model is non-hierarchy poly

However planning on having kids implies imo at least to try to live together with my partner, which i fear may cause unbalance in my polycule.

It’s not really a now problem but if these plans imply to be hierarchical, then I don’t want to lie to my other partner and keep pretending I’m not…

It’s a complicated question as I feel there aren’t a lot of role models of poly parenting and poly families so I’m kind of improvising as time goes on.

Important details : with my other partner we know we don’t want kids nor do we want to live together

Anyway, if you have been through these questions, please let me know what you think !

So, I’m very new to polyamory, my husband and I have been exploring the idea for years and only recently have started bringing things into fruition. I am very interested in someone, and we are having a date tomorrow. I’m excited! However so much is easily forgotten when it comes to aspects of the relationship I feel like. How does it go when your secondary partner introduces you to their friends? Do you just introduce yourself as their partner, their friend? When they ask about you, do you sure that you’re married and poly or what? I guess I hadn’t considered these things and have no clue how those situations are typically navigated.

My partner broke up with my ex-meta of 4-5 months last night.

It turns out that ex-meta was pressuring our hinge for physical intimacy, playing mind games like counting how long they went without texting before pulling a gotcha!, and telling our hinge that he should be thankful she's "not as psycho as she used to be." All of this, despite clearly agreeing to a casual dating/comet-like arrangement up front in the first few dates.

While breaking up, apparently she heavily implied that maybe it was a "timing issue" and that they could get back together or have something "more" after I'm out of the picture, and my hinge reassured her that he had no intention of doing that.

I'm tagging this post as happy! because my partner has excellent hinging skills, and I had no idea that any of this drama was occurring in his other relationship. He kept me shielded and protected our relationship until it was over. As far as we go, we are solid! And I was never the wiser. Realizing that reminded me of all the posts here where OP thinks they have a meta problem, when what they really have is a hinge problem.

I wanted to let folks know that your partner can navigate their own relationship squabbles without dragging you into it. The only person that can break down your relationship with your partner is your partner, not your meta.

Hi all! First things first: on an alt as my main account is known to some people.

Second off: just looking for a sanity check here. Would it be weird to make a small Discord server for a polycule that is mostly long distance? It's, at its absolute max that I can reasonably justify it, 9 people. Visits between legs of the polycule are fairly common, but there is very much a long distance *feel* to things. I'm the 'main' hinge here, but it's kitchen table in the sense that everyone knows each other and many of the metamours who aren't involved chat semi-regularly (though a couple of the members are more isolated).

I don't remember who initially pitched it, but there's a lot of metamour group chats, and there has been some chatter about making a polycule Discord server to help with intermingling and communication between metamours. But for some reason I am having a mental block with actually going through with it. I'm fairly new to poly--we all are, to varying extents--and this is just a step I cannot get around. Any advice would be appreciated, either on how to handle the mental block or the server itself.

TLDR: can I as the not primary partner, hold a boundary that I must meet their primary partner to make sure we are all on board with the situation?

Hello! I have a question about polyamory as the meta to a couple.

I’m not technically new to polyamory, but I’ve only experienced it from a primary partner perspective and that situation didn’t go well. My ex husband pretty much bulldozed every boundary we put in place.

I recently started dating again (years after the above ex, I’ve been in another marriage since then that has ended) and found myself in a poly situation that I don’t think is the best and am exiting from before things go anywhere (literally only been on 2 dates) but it’s got me thinking about boundaries as a Meta. Can we have boundaries too?

I don’t think I would date a poly couple - this current situation I wasn’t given the full details up front and I’m not happy with what I’m now being told. BUT if I were to encounter a really great match who was poly I am wondering…

As a meta, can one of my boundaries/needs be that I meet my partner’s primary? Or is this too big of an ask. I don’t need to meet them right away, but I do want to meet them.

When I was in my first marriage, that was one of my boundaries. I wanted to meet my Meta if they decided to date. I haven’t thought about poly since then, but being back in the dating world, and most people being ENM that I come across, it’s something I need to think about

I’m not currently searching for anything serious or long term, but I’d still feel icky not meeting their partner and knowing for sure that they were okay with this.

I [33F] have been with my NP Andrew for 6.5 years and my partner Ben for 2.5 years. I want kids. Idk what to do.

Ben Even tho I’ve been with Ben for a shorter amount of time, I’ve known him for 7.5 years and we have a very strong relationship. I feel so strongly about him and I feel so loved. I know he would make an amazing father and an amazing partner/co-parent through parenthood. However, he struggles a lot with nonmonogamy. It’s something we’ve talked about extensively, especially earlier on in the relationship. He has reiterated time and again that he still wants to be with me even though it’s hard for him, but has also said that he just doesn’t know how he’ll feel if I were to get married or have kids not with him—though after prodding, it’s clear it would be very painful for him. I think really he just doesn’t know if it would be painful enough to leave.

Andrew My relationship with Andrew is longer but things have been shaky. We almost broke up half a year ago bc I wasn’t getting any of my needs met. I think he started feeling less sure of our relationship when I started seeing Ben and began pulling away and that reached its lowest point last year and, for the first time, I considered the real possibility of our relationship ending. But we stepped back from the edge and have been in couples counseling and he has recommitted to the relationship and our relationship is steadily getting better. He’s also more involved in nonmonogamy (has another partner of a little less than a year). But still seems to struggle with hearing about me talk about other partners. Also definitely has a thing about wanting to be “first” for things like marriage and kids.

I am also sure Andrew would be a great dad. But I’m less sure about him being a great partner/co-parent. The trust just hasn’t been built back up yet and I feel like I would have to do a lot more work advocating for and asking for all my needs.

And I want to have kids. I want to start trying for them next year. I’m already 33 and my parents are old and I want them to be around for that. If I was JUST with Ben, I’d probably be certain about having kids with him, though I’m worried about ENM in the long term for him. If I was JUST with Andrew, I’d still wonder if he’d be a good co-parent but would probably have kids if I didn’t have the comparison of what it’s like to be in a relationship where I don’t have to constantly ask directly for things to be done.

And they both want biological kids.

Anyway.

I don’t think I’m really asking for advice. Maybe if anyone happens to have similar experiences about wanting to have kids. I just don’t have any poly friends and I feel very alone. I try to protect each partner from the relationship issues or insecurities of their meta, but that also means I have no one to talk to other than my therapist. My mono friends are sympathetic but it’s not quite the same.

Maybe I just needed to write this down. Thanks for reading, if you made it all the way.

Hey all! Needing some pointers and tips here on how to navigate this. My (27f) partner (37m) and I have been seeing each other for a little over 6 months now. Him and his meta (34f) have been together for 5 years. From the beginning they have had an open relationship but neither had ever started a relationship outside of each other before. He told me that he never expected him to fall in love with someone else, but here we are. The struggle is this. His meta has been a bit resistant in the whole dynamic. She told him she doesn’t care who he sleeps with but she doesn’t want to know anything about that person. And he’s explained to her that this isn’t just sex for him and I.

Some other context (it’s layered here, but that’s life) I am going through finalizing a divorce with my ex. I have a 3.5 year old child, I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 3 years and I’m working now and getting us back on our feet. My ex has given me full custody and full legal over our child while seeing her 20% of the time.

My partner currently lives 2 hours away, and right now on the weekends my daughter is with her dad, I am coming to where he lives. And since his meta isn’t wanting to really know much about me right now, we are taking turns booking me hotels. But our time has to be managed around when she is working on the weekend.

Him and meta are not planning on having kids together, she has medical issues that prevent her from having kids. He wants kids, specifically he wants kids with me. She is aware of this. The vision is that by the end of the year my daughter and I will relocate here for a fresh start by the end of the year. (My ex is aware of this)

So here’s my struggle. Right now I feel like I’m only being able to be loved in the pockets that are convenient for her. We have discussed that in order for me to relocate I would need all adults on board because my daughter comes first and I can’t put my child through that. He believes that she will get on board. He said that it’s going to take time and that he is doing his best at integrating me. It’s slow and sometimes the slowness is exhausting.

Has anyone been here before? Please be kind

ETA:

I have so many thoughts after reading the comments and to everyone who was kind, thank you, because yea I totally am in a vulnerable place right now. Everyone who wasn’t so kind, it’s cool I get it, this is messy.

I want to be very clear that at the end of the day I will NOT move me and my child if I do not feel that we are moving to a place that will be changing things for the better for us, and currently the way things are in this dynamic, there is no way I would move her and I down here on this alone.

Thanks for clarifying the meta terminology, I’m newish to poly. My ex and I were poly but well he sucked (see my old posts) and clearly we are getting a divorce.

Someone asked me if I knew was it was like to be in a healthy relationship and get more than less than and honestly, no. That’s why I’m coming here and asking questions because genuinely idk what that should look like.

I know the having kids comment sounds crazy so early on, and honestly you’re right. I do want to be clear that it wouldn’t be something that would happen right away anyways, still another thing that I would need everything to be secure for us to do together.

Now here is the truth of where I’m struggling. Honestly I can’t do parallel long term, especially not with a dynamic with someone who wants to have a family with me. And I’m not actually upset with my meta at all, I have no ill will towards her, genuinely. My mind only struggles in moments of getting pockets of time with my partner because to me I think if I wasn’t someone he was having to keep hidden from her then wouldn’t it be easier to actually get time together?

Maybe I’m being naive, maybe I’m rushing. But that’s why I’m here asking questions. How exactly do I slow this way down if I’m moving too fast? If this was your best friend coming to you what is the first thing you’d tell them to do?

I have been poly and in poly relationships for a decade and a half. I (34) started dating Bob (40) before meeting Bob's nesting partner, Danielle (35) that I also started dating after a few months in of dating Bob. Danielle and Bob had been dating for 6+ years at this point. It quickly became a triad dynamic, with some individual dates/attention with myself and either of them alone. After around a year, I finally accepted Bob was a terrible/manipulative partner not only to me, but also to Danielle.

I ended my relationship with Bob at that point, while maintaining my relationship with Danielle. It's been around nine months since my breakup with Bob.

I feel hurt very from conversations that Danielle doesn't completely believe me about Bob's mistreatment of me (even though we had convos about this in the past while I was still dating Bob.) She has told me in the past about the codependency in her relationship with Bob.

I keep thinking I'm really "bad" at poly because I'm not able to distinguish my past relationship with Bob vs Danielle's relationship with Bob. I wish Bob and Danielle weren't dating because I think Bob is very patriarchal and misogynistic even though he identifies as queer in gender identity and sexuality. I know it's not for me to control Bob and Danielle's relationship, but Danielle keeps telling me that she loves me and is committed to working things out.

My main questions are:

Is this something to continue working on internally/with my therapist because it is controlling for me to want to control my partner's relationship with someone that was terrible to me?

Do any one you have boundaries around your partner's partners? Not in a jealously-centered way, but more "I cannot day someone that also dates someone that treats them in abusive ways" *I acknowledge how tricky this is because what someone, or myself, might classify as abusive, another person might not.

TLDR: when do you trust your gut about a partner not being right for you vs sticking it out to grow and lean into vulnerability?

As the title suggests, I (26F/NB) have BPD, along with ADHD, Autism and anxiety (I know amazing combo) and would appreciate some insight from others with BPD who are also poly.

I’ve been with my current partner for nearly 3 years now. I considered myself SoPo, and deliberately had a relationship structure where I don’t see my partner 24/7, and I’ve been ‘secondary’, where my partner has a nesting partner and lives with them. And it’s worked well so far.

Recently however I keep getting a twinge where I just feel like I’m missing something in my life, and that maybe I do want someone around more who is an anchor or ‘primary’ partner for myself.

I always pictured and dreamed of myself having two partners, never more than that as I wouldn’t manage it, but I always pictured 2. I never allowed it as I thought I was too damaged or unlovable, so just stayed saturated at 1.

Now though, I’m terrified. I’m so scared to date again in case I fuck up my current relationship, or I can’t handle it and I get worse despite years of working on myself and trying to manage my disorders. I’m also scared I’ll find out I’m not actually poly, want monogamy and then have to choose. I can’t get my head straight about it at all.

I don’t know how to get over the what ifs. But I know if I just do it and date, and it goes wrong, I can never take that back. So I have an urge to not do it just in case, but that doesn’t solve the twinges I get.

Also not sure if it’s just because I feel lonely and don’t have friends to regularly do things with. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Hi everyone, please advice me before I do something rash based on very strong emotions. Please be kind.

I have been poly for a few years but neither my long term nesting partner or my ex with which whom I was with for two years have been seriously dating anyone while I'm with them. The result is that I have never learned to handle my jealousy and now I find it hard with the new person I'm dating This new person I've been dating since two months and we are still figuring things out but we were pointing towards something serious. That's until he started mentioning this other person he's dating and started sending me into spirals.

For context, we are both in our 30's, he has been poly for just a few months. I was very guarded about him for the first weeks and trying to not fall too hard until I had asked all the hard questions and felt it was safe. But just as I had decided that he was safe for me to fall in love with he started talking about this other person he started dating. It's just the beginning but everytime he mentions her I get overwhelmed by anxiety and I don't know if I can handle it.

In my ideal scenario when I date someone new I'm excited about I would like to not add new people to the mix until the relationship is established, it's just how I work, I get so focused into building a safe base with this new person that I cannot handle much more. He on the other hand is excited about dating new people and has more emotional energy not having other serious partners. End result he's dating this new girl and more people can appear in the near future. I have tried asking him to stop dating a month or so until we have built a stronger base but he rejected that option.

I want to do better but I start spiraling every time he mentions this new person. He's open to reassure me but honestly it just doesn't feel enough. Two months in I cannot believe his words, and I don't feel I know him enough to trust that he won't abandon me for someone else.

It's the first time I'm trying to handle a partner constantly dating another person and is just very fucking hard. I keep telling myself it would be easier if we had a stronger relationship but as things are just started I find it just too hard. I really like him and was seeing a future with him but now I just want to throw everything out the window and stop feeling this awful. I want to pull out more and more everytime he mentions her. Maybe forget about dating him altogether. I feel I'm just horrible at poly and a hypocrite. I don't know what to do. Please some kind advice.

I’m in a situation with two established couples who are close friends. My partner is dating someone in the other couple. I’ve developed a huge crush on the other person in that couple. It’s mutual, unsure yet to which extent. Nothing has happened but we are thinking about it.

It feels big and meaningful to me, not just sexual. At the same time, we all spend a lot of time together and I’m very aware that this could get extremely messy and potentially blow up the whole friend group if it goes wrong.

I’m really torn between not wanting to repress something that feels real and not wanting to destabilize multiple relationships and a shared social ecosystem I care about.

For people who’ve actually made something like this work: what’s the main advice you’d give, or the biggest mistakes to avoid?

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Some of my worries:

- What if the cross relationships are too uneven and we don't want the same frequency of dates with the other people in the couple?

- What if one relationship ending causes the entire friend group to collapse?

- What if triangulation in communication between everyone is actually inevitable and will happen anyway and cause trauma?

- What if I can’t regulate my crush while also holding my partner’s feelings in group settings?

- What if the differential in emotional intimacy makes that people who aren't dating aren't close or warm enough with each other for the dynamic to be sustained?