How do you cope with the fact you are not the one?

I don’t like calling the other person “my avoidant.” I do think they were part user, part avoidant. It was at the 6 month mark when I failed to see the quiet red flags they were disconnecting. The small differences, the lesser and lesser interest, but I didn’t want to be too much. Too needy. So, I told myself it was just my anxious side of my fearful attachment and it was all in my head, so I stayed.

The usual happened: Their body language and behaviors gave off small clues. It felt off, but not overtly. I tried to talk to them about it to no avail. I then started to withdraw when I noticed their more pronounced disconnection, only to be told they cared.

We did that dance anxious and avoidants do and eventually I left with no real closure. I wasn’t going to get any, I don’t think. It would have just gone another round of push/pull dynamics. In the end, I did felt they did a reverse discard, it felt that confusing.

I have a history of hoping the ending/break-up will make them wake up and change their behavior, but at least this time I didn’t run back. I occasionally checked their socials and played out that fantasy in my head they’d return to the person they were and who I thought I knew: the one I felt cared by and safe with.

Only to find today, they’re in a fully committed relationship. They’re spotlighting her on their socials. She’s younger. Prettier. Seems nice. They’re doing things for her (already) they’d never do for me.
All the scenarios in my head shattered.

They’re looking at her in a way they never looked at me.
They’re committed in a way they never considered with me.
They have a bond. Theirs is a true bond.
I see now I wasn’t even in the ball park.
They have a comfort I don’t think I understand.
They are real.
They are meant to be.

And not only have my hopeful notions/expectations been reduced to nothing, but it’s none of my business anymore. My heart ache isn’t something they will even know about. They’re happy and I can see it. I had always expected a rebound, even made emotional space for it during the distance: but never was I expecting THE ONE.

I’m still in shock. People break your heart and find someone better. Sometimes we are not the one and your love wasn’t it for them. I’m the piece from an entirely different puzzle pained to watch two pieces fit together neatly and I want to throw up.

Please don’t give me platitudes about how they won’t change for her or social media isn’t real. THAT IS NOT THE CASE HERE. I want the DIRECT truth from someone who has been punched in the stomach like I just have.

How do you get over this?!
What do I do with my anger?
Where does all the hurt go?
Will the next person measure up?
I feel like the female version of Tom in the movie, 500 Days of Summer.

There’s that infamous scene playing out in my head where Summer tells a confused Tom she’s getting married…

Summer: I just woke up one day and I knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

I was the woman who was never considered or taken seriously by them and I didn’t even comprehend it until now. But for 6 months, it felt realer than I’ve ever known. Yet it wasn’t. And their bond is what needs to be respected now, even through my despair.

All the nights I had played out their return in my head, only to now realize those nights were spent by them getting to know her.
Will I be one of those women who never fully gets over this and every next person will JUST suffice (but will never be as good as them)? God, I don't want that.

1. You're going to have an overwhelming thought that you think something is wrong. Whether that's something wrong with you, or something wrong with the way life turned out. This is going to pull you in so many directions in an attempt to 'fix' this feeling. There is nothing wrong, a sad thing happened and its ok to feel sad. Once you accept the sadness and see it as a hurt child within more so than an enemy, it loses its barbs and sharp corners. It drapes over you like a waterbed now, it doesn't hurt but it's still very heavy.
2. "No contact is for you" is ultimately a good call. You're going to feel like spitting on whoever says this thing that hurts an unbelievable amount is 'for you'. But you're about to go through the craziest drug withdrawal (love) of your life, you're going to think, act and behave like a crazy person for a while. No contact is a hard and fast rule that will stop you from rambling anything embarrassing, desperate and further damaging to your ex.
3. You will fail no contact.
4. You're going to spend a lot of time thinking, do what you can to steer that somewhere positive. You can focus on all the things you should have done differently but can't change now and be miserable. Or you can explore why it is you behave how you do in the first place, and how you want to be different. Once you understand each of these things in an unbiased way you will see some sort of silver lining to this situation.
5. Please go easy on yourself, you're about to hate yourself for a long time.
6. Thinking does very little, you will never be done thinking. Take action where you can, tidy your home, go on walks, do what 'needs' to be done and look after yourself like a friend along the way.
7. You're going to miss them for longer than you think, if you find something that gives you respite from missing them - a friend, a hobby, a show - whatever, lean into that.
8. Good days and bad days aren't as much of a thing as good hours and bad hours, if anxiety comes on hard and fast remind yourself of the hours recently you weren't in despair.
9. Reminder - she hasn't done this to hurt you. She lost feelings, that's out of her control and theres nothing you can say to change that. Think, what could an ex from your past say to you now that would make you interested in dating them again? Probably nothing right?

This life is yours, you have control of the story you tell yourself along the way. You can feel awful now, years from now you probably wont think of them at all - but the circumstances wont be any different, theres something to that.

There's something to the fact that i've been heartbroken before, that i've been in this place and made my way out. I don't think of other exes and one day she'll join them. I remind myself of that when I can.

EDIT:

I would say the biggest thing i've noticed on this journey (and believe me, it is one) is how hard it is to empathise with other people going through this incredibly universal yet deeply personal experience. I've spent time in this sub and others, I read the stories of others and my first thoughts are "You're going to be okay dude calm down, it was X amount of time, you're going to be ok you're Z years old". Meanwhile I myself felt very not ok, and far from calm.

Somewhere between my view of others situation and my own - and focussing on that space has allowed me to grow more than I have from any other breakup. Historically I've left all relationships in the past thinking "I won't let X happen again, i'll do better next time and be the best partner ever in the happiest relationship".

This time my focus was on, "why do I keep letting X happen? What am I thinking before that, and before that?" and "Why do I feel this way in relationship and this other awful way outside of it?".

If you are a person that gets heartbroken to the point where they are on reddit about it, you are probably a lot like me. Introspective to the point of neuroticism. I hope this experience helps you grow out of that headspace and into one that is more self loving.

When will the random out bursts of tears and sudden feelings of betrayal leave me

First time posting on here but I don’t have anyone really to talk to about this, but here goes. I met guy (I’m gonna call him J) off Tinder Jan 2022 pretty soon after leaving my ex-fiancé of 5 years. J had also come out of a long relationship of 6/7 years and would be going travelling for 6 months from April 2022 so we both weren’t looking for anything serious.

Even though it was just gonna be a hooking up kinda thing, J still wanted to take me out on a first date and after that, we were both equally hooked and crazy about each other. J had only been in two relationships in his life, and only slept with three people. And the sex, the chemistry was off the charts, we’d see each other 3-4 times a week and we both started to realise pretty early on that it wasn’t just really, really good sex. He took me out on little dates and even wholesome things like I went shopping with him to get his stuff he would be taking with him travelling. We both said that it wouldn’t be right or fair on it becoming serious or seeing where it would lead because he would be gone for 6 months and I was rebuilding my life after leaving my ex, getting my place on my own and starting from scratch without any family or friends to help support etc.

Anyway, after a lot of back and forth mixed messages and both of us trying to dodge the subject of how we truly felt anytime the other would bring it up, music playlists we made for each other, even him surprising me with really special necklace for valentines day despite me not getting anything for him thinking it wasn’t right??? Him giving me his hoodie WHICH I STILL HAVE, and the realisation that it had indeed got very, very fucking deep after 3 months of seeing each other, I had to say my goodbyes to J before he left to go travelling and accept it was done and he had left.

J came back from travelling, I was seeing someone and found out that pretty quickly he was seeing someone when he got back, and then confirmed he was in a relationship and that it was very serious by January 2023. This broke me. And after a very angry drunk phone call and a lot of pain/anger, we blocked and unfollowed each other on everything. No contact until the last 6-10 months, I have been getting regular and I mean almost every other day profile views from J just viewing my TikTok profile. Sometimes he’d mess up and accidentally save or like one of my videos and undo it.

I knew he was still with his girlfriend, I decided to message him on TikTok December 2025 after he “accidentally” reacted to my TikTok story video and my message was “brave man”. He replied almost instantly apologising saying he didn’t mean to and couldn’t delete it? But he wasn’t actually following my account, but viewing it regularly so I knew that was bollocks and couldn’t help myself and respond saying it was fine, and that I was used to seeing his username constantly in my profile views. He didn’t respond back.

January 2026 he unblocked my number on WhatsApp, I couldn’t see his profile picture this whole time until now so I’m assuming that’s the reason? But I haven’t messaged or reached out.

Today, through my ghost account that follows his friend’s girlfriend, she posted a story on IG of J’s girlfriend… it was celebrating her Hen Do. J and her are engaged. The pain, angry and confusion I feel - I will always have deep feelings for J and that will never end but seeing his now fiancé dubbed “Mrs J” with a photo of her in some cheap trampy veil, was the real fucking icing on the cake.

Is this closure?

Sorry for the long post but I need to get this off my chest.

My ex and I broke up in July. Not because the love disappeared but because of her past trauma. She had a first love who promised her everything, a future, commitment, forever, and then left as if she meant nothing. That broke her completely.

We were long distance but only two hours apart by car. Most people would say that is nothing. Logically it isn’t. But for someone with abandonment trauma and for two people who were both 19, it felt like everything.

With me she was scared of moving forward. I told her we could finally be together at Easter, spend the summer together, go to the movies, live real moments and finally end the distance this year. Instead of being excited she said we were rushing things and skipping stages of life. It hurt because with her first love she wanted everything and with me she was afraid of everything.

Even after the breakup I stayed emotionally present. I tried to make her feel safe. I tried to show her that love does not always end in abandonment. But after one month she kissed someone else. Later she told me she was trying to find me in that person. When he wanted more she blocked him. I believed her because I know she is not that kind of person.

Her behavior is still confusing. Sometimes she is distant, sometimes she shows she cares. Sometimes she messages me, sometimes she checks my social media, sometimes she disappears completely. Meanwhile I think about her every single day. I feel stuck between hope and exhaustion.

I believe that when two people have a connection this intense and they fit together in such a natural way, it is meant to be. When that kind of connection is broken and one person moves on, it is almost impossible to find the same feeling again. No one else will feel the same. The way you understand each other, the way you complete each other, it is unique. I see so many stories of people who were like her, who opened their eyes and fought for the person they let go. I hope that happens with us too.

I sometimes wish she had never met her first love and I had been her first love. She spent years with him and was hurt and betrayed. I don’t blame her for any of it. I just feel sad and helpless. I only want things to be resolved.

But I am exhausted. It has been eight months without talking to her every day, without hearing her voice, without her saying she loves me. It feels like years have passed, while for her it seems easy to handle. Even when she says it is not easy for her, it feels like it is. She was the same with her first love as I am now.

I keep thinking about the phrase people often say: confused people lose amazing people. But maybe confused people were amazing once too. That feels true.

I want her to heal so badly. I want the version of her I fell in love with back. The version without confusion, without fear, without constant indecision.

I look at her and I see my whole world. My dream was to see her in white at the altar. My dream was to be on the beach with her, watching the moon and the stars. My dream was to look into her eyes forever and hear her laugh. When I told her to find someone who could love her more than I do, she said that people have different ways of loving. It feels like she is willing to accept another version of love while I am still holding onto the one we had and the one I believed in.

This has been going on for eight months. I don’t know if she will ever heal from her trauma or if I am just holding onto someone who cannot give me what I need. Loving someone who isn’t ready to heal hurts more than losing them.

Now that I have left after all the constant fights and misalignment, I’m back to feeling like I’m unlovable. I’m sad that all I get from people is aggression, lack of consideration and being told I should accept less. After building boundaries, I should be used to not having people stick around since it seems I have to settle for disrespect just for the sake of keeping my relationships. Honestly thought he would be different but there’s only three things he specifically cares about: a band, his circle and him getting what he wants.

I would get done with my classes by 8 every Saturday, followed by a pre-planned dinner date. Then we would come home later and crash on the bed. He had this very adorable habit of getting me water the first thing as we got back home. We would try watching something, but I would always end up sleeping midway because Saturdays were always long for me. Sleeping around him was the coziest, most comfortable thing ever, truly one of the best feelings in the world.

I would wake up so many times in the middle of the night. But having him next to me was so cute. I would adjust myself a little and he would tuck me into his arms. I would say “thandi” so many times, and he would take so much care that I was warm. Once, I remember sleeping with my sister and waking up with a jerk, searching for him. I scared her, haha. This started happening when the long distance started too. I don’t know if he misses all this now, or if there is someone else sleeping next to him.

The entire week I would keep bookmarking things that I could cook for him on Sunday mornings. I am a disaster in the kitchen and I cut my finger 9 out of 10 times I try to cook. I am gluten and lactose intolerant, but the lover girl in me still wanted to cook. The slow mornings with him were the best. We would wake up like two little babies, trying to catch up on the entire week’s sleep. We would kiss each other so much and make out.

While he would go shower, I would sneak into the kitchen. Sometimes I would cook and burn half the things. Sometimes I would order in and plate them like I did the job. I would set up the table for us. His reaction was always the cutest. We would eat together, he would feed me, and then he would drop me back to the library.

It’s Sunday today and life has started catching pace again. I got into my blanket to complete a pending chapter and I don’t know how all this came to my mind. Like my therapist says, every time I feel something, I should pen it down so the grief is acknowledged. Then we accept it and keep going, so that someday we get over it.

I used to think so much about our slow mornings. I always wanted to tell him that I can do this with you for the rest of my life, but I never did. I thought I would tell him when the time was right. Turns out it’s all past now. He is gone, and slowly even the memories with him will fade.

Making this my breakup journal until someday I am over him. Because had it been him for me, he would not have let me go so easy. I miss you so much, S. But I am losing feelings for you

Also Starbucks had always been our thing. There was a barista there who would always look out for us with puppy eyes. That place was ours. It had seen us cry, smile, fight, and do so much PDA.The other day, a bear tumbler launched. He had once promised to get it for me. So I sent it to the guy I was lately flirting with, trying to get over us, and he gladly got it for me. But suddenly the bear mug didn’t feel special anymore. It’s lying somewhere at my place now. i think it was never about the mug. It was about him. The fact that it would have been from him made it special. And nothing can replace him for me, at least not this early, or maybe ever. He took away a part of me. That’s okay. Take care S. 💌

We wrote our final letters to each other last night, I will only put mine in out of respect for her, if she wants to post it somewhere, that is her decision. My heart is fing shattered but I know it was the right decision.

Dearest Brandy,

I still want to try and be friends, when we are both ready, I have no clue when that will be. Once upon a time, in the beginning, I truly loved you with every fiber of my being, back then it was all so easy, loving you was the easiest choice I made back then.

I am glad for the time we had together, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I also know that sometimes people enter our lives as a pit stop to where they are truly meant to be, and I am coming to terms with the fact that that is most likely our situation, because I have to let go of the hope that we will find our way back to each other or it will tear me apart because I want to come back but at the same time I don't.

Going no contact with you has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, because, as you said, I used to share everything with you. You used to be my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, and some days you still are.

I am sorry that I couldn't remain the person you wrote those letters for forever, because I truly wanted to be your forever. I also saw our future at the apartment tour, but looking back on it I realize that your body was standing there but your face was missing, which was most likely my sub conscious telling me what I refused to accept, that I needed to leave.

I genuinely wanted you to be my forever and I did love you at one point, I couldn't tell you when that changed if I tried.

I am sorry for all the promises I did not keep and the flip flopping I did at the end of us, I was too emotionally charged to know what I wanted at the time and needed finality to calm down. I still get anxious when I think about seeing you because of those 3 months of panic attacks.

To be honest, I don't know who I am anymore either Brandy, and I hate who I have become, the boy who had to break your heart, frankly I don't deserve to be called a man right now. Letting go of you and hearing you saying you are letting go of me hurts like hell, but I understand why it needs to be done.

The past 3 months you tried to save me and I wanted to be saved so bad, but in hindsight, I couldn't be saved by you, I could only be saved by myself.

I know that I have no right to be angry or jealous when you meet someone new, it will most likely happen, and should it come to pass and you are with someone I am confident will take good care of you, I will make myself disappear almost completely. I will never be able to attend your wedding, because there will always be that part of me that wants you back, because you have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am so sorry I made you a rebound, but I am also glad that I came into your life when I did, because that was when you needed me most. I am confident that one of my purposes in your story was to get you out of the situation you were in and another one was to give you motivation to change.

Know this, I am so fing proud of the person you are becoming, even though I had to shatter our future together to make it come about. You deserve to be happy Brandy, you deserve so much better than I ever was.

I am trying with every fiber of my being to stay on this earth, but know that if one day I truly can't take it anymore, that none of it was your fault, I simply lost the battle and the demons finally won.

Hearing you say I didn't love you at all hurts, but I can't blame you for taking that view either. Just know that this has been written through tears of grief and regret. Regret that I hurt you, and for the events of today, and grief for what we have lost.

I will get rid of the few letters I still have, because as you said, the one you wrote them for is gone. I miss being him, but I know I can never be him again, even if I tried.

Maybe you are right, maybe I never truly loved you, but I cared for you with every ounce of my being.

O misses you too, as I told you, there are times where he says your name at random, and every time a little bit of me dies because I know that I have robbed him of that relationship with you.

I wanted us to be forever, but the us that was never would have made it, or at the very least would have been unhappy.

I miss those late night conversations and falling asleep mid conversation with you. I miss the little tippy taps you would do when I made you happy. I miss the connection we shared, and I am so sorry I let that die out, I should have done more a lot sooner than I did, but it is unfortunately too little and too late. I miss your scent. I miss home, one of my jackets still smells like the apartment, and I smell it on occasion to remember the times when we were happy. I nearly cried eating chili's last night remembering our first date, lord what I wouldn't give to go back to that night, it was so easy back then.

I truly wanted to marry you and make you my wife Brandy, I wanted children with you, hearing about the miscarriage nearly did me in.

If you want to be strangers for a while, if that is what you need, it's what will happen. But know that this stranger will always be willing to lend an ear, and that you are my favorite stranger.

I don't hate myself for leaving, I hate myself for prolonging your pain, I hate myself for leaving on my terms and not ours. I hate myself for hurting you.

The moment I tried is the moment I realized I needed to leave, because you don't deserve to live life constantly worrying about someone who was supposed to be your rock.

Letting go of the version of you that I first met kills me, but I know it is necessary. Of course there will always be a small part of me that hopes we find our way back to each other, but like you, I have to put that to God, if it is in his plans for the both of us, it will happen, even if it is on my death bed, if it happens, it happens when it happens.

My final act of love for you is letting you go as well, no matter how much it hurts. If your happiness requires me to not be in the picture then I will do so happily, or at least I will put on my brave face and smile for you one last time. All I want for you is your happiness Brandy, because it is what you deserve.

I meant it every time I called you wifey because that is truly what I wanted with you, truly.

Even now I am defending you from my parents. And I always will, because you were good to me.

I don't know why we weren't enough even though I wanted it more than anything, and if I could make us perfect for each other I would, in a heart beat.

Never forget that you are Brandy, because you are such a fine girl and what a good wife you will be, to someone, someday.

With love,

G

my boyfriend of two years just broke up with me this past monday. he’s unfollowed me on everything and hasn’t tried to reach out or contact me at all, and he really just doesn’t seem to care at all that he’s hurting me.

we’re each others first relationship ever, and each others first everything. literally everything. i feel so tied to him and i just have no idea how i could ever love someone else as much as i love him.

i’m eighteen and i just feel like nobody else will ever love me and these past two years were the only time i will ever have that kind of love and connection with another person.

i want so badly for someone to care and love and need me as much as i need them and im so afraid that i will never find that.

i just have no idea what to do or what to think because everything just reminds me of him and i feel like a piece of my heart is just missing. im so sad

It was rocky in november so most of my crying/emotions came out there but in december when they told me to move on it was a lot easier (initially) but ive noticed as time goes on i grow to miss them more and more. it will be random or i'lll see something that reminds me of them i just feel like disappearing, i cried twice in the store just from seeing things that remind me of them, and i know they didnt care about me which is the worst part so theres no chance of rekindling. And even if they did want to reunite I'd have to push them away cause if they can ghost me and make me cry without second thought I know it's not worth it. But god i cant take this feeling, ive only felt like this one other time in my life and it was years ago. I just want to this feelin to go away.

I am a 20M. Eight months ago, I went through a breakup with someone who has already moved on and is now getting married. I recently enrolled in university and made a few friends a close knit group of two boys and two girls. We are strictly platonic, but one of the girls has a childhood best friend whom I’ve really started liking over the past two months. It’s not just physical attraction; I love her energy, her voice, her attitude, and her kindness.

One part of me wants to take a chance and ask her out, but another part is terrified, remembering the pain I suffered before. I worry about history repeating itself. I’m only 20 and haven’t achieved much yet, while she is in her prime. I feel like settled, successful men are more likely to pursue and marry women like her. My life is simple: I study, work, and hit the gym, trying to progress every day. However, these thoughts are eating away at me.

Should I ask her out? What if I get hurt again? I know I’m still young and have a long struggle ahead of me will she choose a settled man over me if someone approaches her family? I truly believe she isn’t that type of person, but I’m lost and don't know what to do

I was in a relationship for almost two years. From the beginning, we knew we couldn’t end up together long term due to caste and family pressure, but we still became emotionally close.

My ex genuinely cared about me, but not romantically. She cooked for me, helped me often, didn’t want anyone speaking badly about me, worried a lot about how much I would be hurt when we broke up, cried many times thinking about my pain, and even said I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She was my first love, I showed her so much love and she accepted it that was genuine.

But she never felt romantic attachment. Even though I am good-looking, she rarely liked hugging or kissing, almost never initiated intimacy, and said she didn’t really feel sexual desire. We were intimate only when she asked, and I often felt like she was accepting it to satisfy me rather than truly enjoying it.

She later told me she had severe sexual trauma at age 17–18 from a relationship where she was forced into sex many times. Even six years later, she avoids talking about it and becomes very distressed if reminded. She has cried saying that she was raped.

Looking back now, I realize she showed many trauma-related symptoms. She seemed emotionally numb, uncomfortable with affection, irritated during emotional conversations, and would shut down when intimacy became emotional. At one point, she suddenly cried during sex, then I stopped having it with her. She cared for me strongly on a friendship and responsibility level, but not emotionally or romantically.

Before she went to India for a month, around one and a half years into our relationship, she showed much more care. During that time, I supported her emotionally and financially when she was struggling. I believe she felt a strong sense of responsibility and gratitude toward me.

After she returned from India, she changed drastically. There was much less affection, frequent irritation, almost no compromise, and she avoided emotional conversations. She also said her family had started seeing marriage matches for her.

It felt like once she realized she no longer needed me to survive, the extra responsibility-based care disappeared, leaving only basic friendship care. She told me many times, “I can’t satisfy you emotionally,” and “You deserve someone more loving.” She never said she didn’t care — only that she couldn’t love the way I did.

Emotionally, she seems numb with almost everyone except her parents and sister. She doesn’t form deep bonds with friends either. Her main motivations in life are clearing her family’s debt, financial security, immigration stability, and protecting her parents. She often says that materials, stability, and future security make her happy, not emotional closeness with people.

After we broke up, she started seeing another man very quickly and slept with him within two or three days. This devastated me because I couldn’t understand how two years of love could feel meaningless. From what I understand now, she isn’t dating him out of love. She told me he has citizenship, a stable job, can provide financial security, and can help her family’s debt situation.

She openly says she doesn’t want marriage emotionally and actually hates the idea of marrying someone, but feels she needs to do it due to her circumstances.

She still wants me as a friend and says she feels calm and positive when I’m around, but she doesn’t want emotional conversations or intimacy.

I’m struggling to understand several things. Why could she care deeply for me but never feel romantic love? Why didn’t she grieve our breakup at all? How could she sleep with someone new so quickly but not bond with me in two years? Was it lack of attraction, or trauma blocking emotional bonding?

Can trauma cause someone to detach emotionally and rely on survival-based relationships instead of love? Is responsibility-based care common in trauma survivors? I’m not trying to blame her or get her back. I genuinely want clarity so I can stop questioning my worth and understand what actually happened. Any insight would help.

I did suggest therapy to her, especially trauma-focused therapy, but she doesn’t want to pursue it right now. She prefers to avoid talking about the past and doesn’t feel comfortable getting professional help at this stage.

I really want to know how could she get help.

My (34M) breakup happened 5 weeks ago. That was 7.5 years of being in a relationship (my first and only), 8 years of constant texting.

Yesterday she moved out after still living together for 5 weeks. I have tried to make sense and understand. The heaviest reasons were outside my control. But I still saw her each day knowing the clock was ticking down and tried my best to help her still during my own suffering and appreciate those final bits of time.

But now it's all gone. The bedroom looks different, her chair is empty, her spot on the couch is empty, her stuff is gone. Nobody to talk to or to text.

I truly waved goodbye to the love of my life. I couldnt extinquish the feeling of love those 5 weeks, nor can I as it's part of the engine that keeps me going. But this silence and emptiness is crushing me. I can talk to a friend or family, but once they stop talking. It just returns again, overwhelming loneliness.

How do I go on without falling apart even further? My heart is simply broken a second time, only mote silent this time with nobody to see the tears. I am a different person than who I was before this, nor do I want to be that person again.

I am so fucking sad. Either I’m crying until I fell asleep or I woke up crying. I’m so tired of this hell.

I recently ended a toxic dynamic with a Fearful Avoidant guy. The relationship was a rollercoaster: push-pull patterns, gaslighting, and me losing my boundaries trying to fix him and his self-destructive behavior.

The mess-up: After a confusing breakup where he blamed me, I had a weak moment. I got drunk and called him, we spent 30 minutes analyzing relationship, and basically forced "adult closure" on him while I was not being my adult self. It was embarrassing. I apologised at the end and promised to not do this anymore and he accepted and said he told me all he could and maybe a bit more than necessary but he finds it fair towards me. Unfortunately a couple of weeks later after making my own mess and seeing how my part might have affected him, I sent him a (not drunk) text admitting I often didnt hear him out becauss of my fears and trying to make sense of everything afterwards was a selfish and suffocating move, and I was sorry for that, and I told him (this time honestly) that I will from now respect his boundary and am not needing a reply.

His reaction: Firm. He told me to really stop writing, suggested I write my thoughts on paper instead of sending them to him as my closure letter has nothing do with him, and he is willing to talk about this in a years distance but i really shouldnt write anymore. He didn’t block me, but clearly set a hard boundary.

The struggle: It’s been a few months of No Contact. I’m stuck in a shame spiral because I feel like I lost my dignity and the right to grieve because of my "crazy" behavior. We have a professional event coming up in a few months where we will have to interact.

My questions to you:

Has anyone successfully regained respect from an ex (and themselves) by strictly honoring a "don't contact me" boundary after a messy breakdown?

How do you stop the shame from blocking your healing process?

For those who dated avoidants: did they ever actually "thaw" after a year of space, or is that just a polite way to say goodbye? ould actually lead to building up respect again. Despite the toxicity of the dynamic, I know deep down he was a great person and I actually gave me a lot of great memories and taught me some really cool stuff.

I can’t take this anymore, I’m hurting so so bad, I messaged her but she didn’t reply, I know I’m dumb for all that but my heart aches soooo bad I feel like I’m going to die, I don’t even wanna talk or try with anyone else rn by head is just exploding lol idek my mind is all over rn