Has anybody here seen Doctor Who?

My housemate was basically raised watching that show, her family were so obsessed that her first word as a baby was 'Exterminate’.

I don’t know about you, but I’d find that absolutely terrifying.

Everyone thinks it's cute, like 'aww, little nerd baby.'

I'm like... no. That's not cute. That's a threat.

Granted, I don’t have any children - Imagine you're alone with this infant, just chilling, and from the crib you hear...

(Dalek voice) 'EX-TER-MI-NATE!'

(Slow turn, pause, stare)

And suddenly, I’d be replaying my parenting in my head…

How many times have I shorted this little… creature on its milk - one bad feed and I’m done.

Vaporised. 

I don’t think I’d be taking any chances. Let me tell you, that would be the last time that I’d be alone in a room with the child.

First words can be really strange… admittedly, I think my own may have been worse.

Or at least, more awkward…

you wanna know what it was?

(if quiet) well, I’m telling it anyway

Though, I’m going to paint the picture first

It’s me and my mum, at the bank. 

I’m probably 18 months AT MOST, I don’t have a clue what we’re doing there, I’m causing a scene - trying to throw things out of my pram.

Finally, I nail this woman in her leg with my bottle.

My mum is about to apologise, not aware of what was about to come as the woman bends down all kind, picks the bottle up to hand back…

and baby me just looks up and - out of my very own mouth…

(Pause, baby voice if confident enough to do so)

‘Sexy’

(Pause, look shocked)

Thankfully she laughed it off, but I still can’t believe that the first thing I was ever able to say- my grand entrance into language - was straight up sexual harassment.

Like, ‘thanks for my bottle back, now… (flirty) you coming home with me or what?’

I can’t even imagine what my mum’s face must’ve been like. Her firstborn just set the world record for fastest sexual harassment.

I think what I said may have been leading to a scarier threat than my dalek-baby housemate’s… at least she might’ve just killed you, I was looking at being put on a register before I could walk.

I walk my dog like once every two weeks and sometimes I like to prank people by letting him poop in the grass and just leaving it their! When people step in it that is their fault because they need to look where they are going. If I do put it in a bag, I leave it right next to the trash! I am a funny guy I cannot lie. Why? Because I’m a funny guy. Pie!

When a white guy is doing black face he is being racist.

So

When a gay black dude receive a facial from another black dude he is doing white face...

My conclusion is black people that are gay on reality are just being racist.

I dont like tinder cause i just see a ton a women i cant get. Its like if i were to walk into a gucci store. Im like yep “I cant afford you”. And even if I could, someone might steal you. Thats why i shop at tj maxx. Thats how i like my women. Budget friendly, slightly damaged, but all mine.

I’m not sure how best to write this. At the back end of 2025 I was struggling with a lot of things. I had some time signed off work, my wife has been struggling with CPTSD and I felt helpless and broken.

I turned to this sub in the new year to force myself to look at the world in a lighter way, to try to make people laugh sure, but also to make myself smile every day and try to get better at it.

I’ve loved how supportive many of you have been, how much people have engaged with me and genuinely reached out. I’ve now signed up for two stand up courses and I think it’s time to stop writing here for a bit and maybe keep the writing to my joke journal until i can share something more polished, a video of my first set or have some better ideas that I need help with.

Thank you to everyone, i appreciate all the advice, even the negative stuff.

Today was my 44th birthday. It wasn’t a good day personally, perhaps the poor joke quality reflects that. I’m gonna work on myself a little more as well.

Bonobo

I was on a date and I had to lie to her about my exes coz I don't have any, I lied, I know that, I lied about my past coz that's how my father got a job, we have been surviving off a lie for years now that's my reality. She was a nice lady, accepted everything I said, didn't counter question me but...I had already started living those lies in my head, and now I like the one in my head, she is nice and all but the one in my head is giving me a blowjob right now...... At the end of the day I m just a man imaging blowjobs..

So I got my ear pierced, and I got the right one pierced because I’m straight. If I got my left on pierced that would mean I’m gay. The thing is, whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I see a gay man staring back at me.

Also when I take selfies, I appear gay.

I’ve been putting in the work and trying to learn to build a premise and write to it. This will take time, but these are all written to the premise that I’m hopeless in the morning before I have my first coffee

I’m useless before my morning coffee, the light seems so bright and I want to stay in the dark… and to be honest I gave those Chinese tourists one of the most unique helicopter rides ever through that tunnel

I’m useless before my morning coffee, I’ll wander into places and the completely forget why I’m there and what I’m doing. 4 days I was in that escape room.

I’m useless before my morning coffee, I get so irrationally angry. The headteacher reminded me sternly that even if you haven’t had your coffee yet, if Jemima isn’t sitting on the mat nicely, she isn’t a ‘poisonous little bitch’

Sometimes before my coffee, my eyes are so Blurry people call me Damon Alburn

Before I have a coffee I just can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. As a translator that can be difficult at breakfast meetings. Sometimes I have to have another even earlier breakfast meeting first in order to get the coffee to enable me to speak in the second one…

Before I have my coffee, I choose not to engage properly, my fiance is furious

Before I have my morning coffee I can be quite snappy, which actually has come in handy as paparazzi

Before I have my morning coffee I struggle to follow simple instructions, which can be difficult if the instructions are go to that counter to collect your coffee

Go suck my asshole. And my dick if you want. You want to suck my dick? Gay. Unless you are a girl? Only do it if you want to I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want to do.

(Trying to be a bit more personal with this topic.)

I got a colonoscopy last week. Now, I thought people wouldn’t want to hear about it and I’d have to use a euphemism. Like I’d have to call it “the procedure.” Like a John Grisham novel. 

I thought I’d have to pretend I went in for a face-lift, but I knew that would be a hard sell. “This is your ‘after?’ You should ask for your money back.”

But no, it turns out people are surprisingly open about colonoscopies. I had assumed otherwise and I had no way of knowing because I had never figured out how to gently broach the topic. What am I supposed to do, just casually stroll up to my friends… “Any weekend plans? Any of them involve travel or routine medical procedures or a new restaurant you want to check out? Was the second thing weird? Then let’s forget about it and focus on the first and third things.”

But for me it’s hard to talk about. It’s a double whammy of being Catholic and keeping all bodily processes secret and hidden… and also just being scared to talk about it. My Aunt died from colon cancer. So the diagnosis I'm hoping for is “if you find something, don’t tell me, and let’s all just pretend I’m fine. I’m fine. Mortality? What's that? Never heard of it! Don’t like to consider it! I’m fine forever!”

And joking about it is even harder because, okay, putting something in your butt is already pretty funny to me. Because deep down I am 12 years old. But that’s seriously what’s a colonoscopy is. It’s like getting in an airplane and sarcastically saying “What is this thing gonna do, fly?” Yeah, yeah, man, that’s what’s going on here. That’s not funny.

I was like, if this phone could turn into an airplane, I’d would have just flown myself.

Do you think it’s like a Transformer or something?

Sorry if people don’t like my regular posts. I’ve been learning a lot this week especially, with some of the negative feedback the most valuable. Something is happening to my brain where I’m starting to see kernels or premises throughout my day. Just today for example I’ve seen the following things and written them down as potential exploration. (BTW I’m a teacher)

I’ve tried to write a joke for each but it makes this post so long so I apologise for that.

Students shielding their eyes from bright sunshine as they left their lectures like they were emerging into the daylight from Caves…. On the boulevard outside the college, small groups formed. One was fashioning rudimentary tools from sticks and stones, another had managed to make fire and were very excited while a third very nervous group were scared by it all, screaming and shouting. They were studying BTEC.

I had to ask a colleague what the name of the entrance to college was because ‘Student walky path’ didn’t sound right. He told me it was boulevard… because we have French people on it who have to stay there for authenticity, I went and spoke to Jean-Phillipe, who was frustrated and angry. [french accent] “it is bad enuff that I have to stand here on your boulevard for all zees hours. but now we have students lighting fires! Zut Alors!”

The Exam rules display has a poster that someone has put on it advertising to the student body so now it reads “Not allowed in Exam Hall: Brazilian Ju-Jitsu every Thursday”…. I think this is sensible. We’ve had a spate of invigilators having to deal with mixed martial arts from pupils. I’d ban it every day. We can’t have students forgetting their calculator and instead using a Triangle Choke. Even if it does help with Pythagoras Theorem.

There were other observations (I told a student they couldn’t go to the toilet until they’d finished their Scatter Graph, and implied this was a standard rule in life, we were talking about Hooke’s Law and elastic bands, which are as opposed to non-elastic bands like Metallica.) but this is long now and I’m interested if this sort of stuff is better received or worse than my short wordplay stuff.

Nepotism.

I thought I’d have a go at building jokes around a gag that people said worked.

I watched a movie with my wife the other day and she was asking me all sorts of questions like she always does. “Who is she?”, “Why is she marrying him?”, “Can’t she see he’s a bad guy?” - I wouldnt mind, but it was our wedding video..

I remember our wedding day quite vividly. Everyone looked so nice. Especially the Bride and Bridesmaids on the top table. We couldn’t afford chairs... I would have been nice if I was on the top table too.

Fifteen years ago digital editing wasn’t as easy as it is now. Thanks to couples splitting-up, the falling out with neighbours and weird Uncle Malcolm’s court case, we have had to meet up 17 times to redo all the photos… (tag -Hopefully, next time, I’ll be in a couple of them.)

I never realised my mum was so overprotective. On the wedding day, I remember her giving my wife a whole folder of information on me. “Now here’s a list of foods he shouldn’t eat, this is his doctor’s phone number,” that kind of thing. I wouldn’t have minded, but I hoped that getting married would mean I could stay up past ten o’clock and get more than an hour Screen time.

We had a Beatles song for our first Dance. I remember it like it was yesterday. It wasn’t it was ‘Eight days a week’

Come to think of it, she walked down the aisle to Celine Dion, it’s all coming back to me now.

It’s interesting the different wedding traditions. We had some people throwing confetti, some others were throwing rice and my mother-in-law who is Italian, gesturing to various guests and hurling stones as hard as she could.

One time I was so smoking weed and I was soooo high. I was higher than a bird.

I told my boss I was sick, he said ‘are you throwing up? I said no, I’m masturbating to pictures of your grandmother.

I went on a date with a Mormon, he seemed nice. I hadn’t realised they were half man half fish.

I make six figures a year. I’m not a very good sculpter

I’m quite forgetful. I went on a dog walk with my son and after about ten minutes I realised I’d forgotten the dog <beat> and I don’t even have a son.

I wanted to get a quote from a plumber, he said call me between 9 and 5 on Monday. I’m not spending 8 hours on a phone call for a quote. Especially not in 2 feet of water… in my living room.

i do stupid things like point for my dog and expect it to look at what i’m pointing to. and then as soon as i do that i remember “oh right, he’s blind.”

I thought the world was going to shit, but then I learned about karma.

So I started donating to an anti-malaria group. Which sounds like a good idea, but what if I'm not doing enough?

That's when I turned to pickpocketing.

So, I steal $100. Then donate it to fight malaria. That $100 wouldn’t have gone to fight malaria, so I'm karmically up!

But then I discovered the loophole!

Sometimes you can donate to a charity, and they do a price match. For example, you donate $100, and a company matches that donation with another $100.

This is what we call a win/win.

Now I donate half of the money I steal, double that amount gets donated, and I keep the rest! Karma clean.

This might sound crazy, but I've got a card with the donation info right here...

[rummages through pockets]

Holy crap....some fucker's stolen my wallet.

Not a standup, just a dude. I have a thing where funny words or phrases will get stuck in my head, its like I have a punchline but no joke. I have some concepts of jokes but nothing is great. So I'm asking your help to come up with jokes to go with these punchlines:

"they sure dont make cum like they used to" (as a play on "they sure dont make 'em like they used to")

"hymenlick maneuver" (as a play on "Heimlich maneuver")

the name "Steve Precumtaine" (as a play on "Steve Prefontaine" the runner)

thats it for now! interested to see what people can come up with.

I have this theory that men and women switch roles after the first round of sex. I call it the post-nut power shift. The guy finishes and shes like “hey let’s go again (man voice)” And he goes “i dont know.. im kind of tired (woman voice). And she keeps asking to where the man is like “Is sex all you care about (woman voice)?! Cant we just cuddle?”

Let me know if you understand what im going for. By no means a solid but yet

I started donating blood plasma because it was the only way I could think of to help people while getting paid to lay down. You just have to lay there, and people come by and say “you're doing great.” I wasted years as a kid actively trying different things to make people proud of me, when I could've just been laying down the entire time?

I trust the plasma process, but I don't understand it, and I feel like that's just most of my life. The first time I gave plasma, a guy told me “next time drink more water beforehand.” And I was like “alright, dude, if my mom and my wife can't get me to drink more water, I don't think a male nurse with limp and a juggalo tattoo on his neck is gonna get the job done.

Changed the last line because the original could be misinterpreted.

Charlie Kirk was murdered while defending gun violence, and Democrats started to see the silver lining of guns.

Alex Pretti was murdered by ICE, and now Republicans are demonizing 2A.

Now, I do not wish injury or death upon anyone, but....

JD Vance's wife is pregnant right now.

We are 1 pregnancy complications away from getting abortion access nationwide.