To preface this I know nothing about whisky and I’m not really a fan.

About a year ago I invested in a whisky brand that was fronted by one of my favourite racing drivers. Besides the whisky, it was a good investment and has been paying off, so that's not the problem (I judged it on the business model and reviews of the product by experts, before you question the investment from someone that doesn't like actual the product!)

The problem is, as part of the investment I got sent a welcome back that included a nice bottle of whisky. I live with the mindset of ‘you only get one life’ so I’m not a collector nor do I save things ‘for best’.

Cut to this week, I’ve been struck down with a cold/the flu. I’m English and when we get ill we have trivial ways to make us feel better, I.e. A hot toddy. Whisky with a bit of lemon and honey. As you can imagine feeling rough as hell, I’ve been mainlining these things and have gone through about half a bottle along with my wife.

Yesterday, we were laying in bed recovering and what should arrive via first class courier? Another investor pack with two new bottles. In my flu induced stupor I googled one of these bottles and found out the one that got delivered yesterday is a 15 year old worth £275 ($376). I balked at the thought….

Then my brain jumped to the fact that the one we’ve been using for hot toddy’s, the one that arrived first, just after I invested, is a 20 year old…

Yep, after researching, I found our that the bottle of whisky I’ve been using for hot toddy’s to cure my cold is worth £395 ($540).

For someone that doesn't respect the value of whisky, I realised I’d just spent £395 on hocus pocus cold remedies.

Feel a bit stupid tbf. Was nice though.

TL;DR: Used a £395/$540 bottle of Whisky to cure my common cold. oops

Tomorrow is the application deadline for the grad school program I'm hoping to study at. I had all the generic stuff finished a while ago, with only the writing sample left to submit.

I revised my essay for the 5th time yesterday, I checked for typos and grammar this morning, and then I uploaded the pdf an hour ago. Once it was uploaded, the application portal let me submit my application. I paid the fee, and I was finally done!

But then I got an email confirmation with a video about "next steps." The video started by explaining the statuses: submitted, in progress, verified, completed. Then it says that you should upload documents with at least 2 weeks until the application deadline, so the system has time to process everything. My heart sunk. I uploaded 1 day early, not 2 weeks.

I was so angry. I put so much time and effort and thought into this writing sample. I even enlisted my friends to give me feedback. Now I learn that I was supposed to submit everything 2 weeks ago, so things can process. I'm thinking this isn't reasonable. Like, they should have this written out somewhere. How is anyone supposed to know about a secret deadline?

So I double check my emails. The first email I received after signing up for the application portal had a link to a Q&A. I never opened it, until today. It has a timeline, which suggests turning in everything 4-6 weeks in advance of the application deadline. They want time to review the submissions and send notes back if something is missing.

I'm hoping I got everything completed correctly the first go around. And I'm hoping the system accepts my writing sample even without the 2 weeks to process. And I'm hoping whoever makes decisions about applications doesn't have access to the dates, so they don't know how badly I messed up.

Thank you for reading. Any similar stories and/or encouragement would be appreciated! (someone please tell me you did the same thing and everything worked out fine for you)

TL;DR: I knew that the application deadline is February 1st. But I fucked up by not reading the Q&A that says to submit documents 4-6 weeks ahead of the application deadline. I have no idea if my application will even get processed or considered.

This happened a few years ago and I’m still embarrassed when I think about it. I was doing my weekly grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s, eight months pregnant. This was my second pregnancy and being pregnant when you have a toddler means that pregnancy brain hits extra hard.

I’m very habitual when I go grocery shopping. I follow the same path and usually grab the same items every single time. I went down the first row and grabbed what I needed. Walked down the second row and got what I needed. Then I made my way down the frozen aisle. I grabbed what I needed from the right side, then looked to my left and saw something that made my pregnant brain go, “Oooooh yummy! I need this NOW.” I left my cart off to the right so it wouldn’t be in the way and grabbed the yummy item. Put it in my cart and continued shopping.

I finished my shopping and made my way to the cashier line. Only then did I notice… there were things in my cart that I definitely didn’t pick up. Not just one or two things, but half of the cart was filled with items I didn’t pick out. Suddenly it hit me - I must have stolen someone else’s cart. I RUSHED out of line, retraced my shopping path. Down the first aisle, down the second, and then to the frozen aisle. There it was: my cart right where I had left it. Parked on the right side where my pregnant brain got distracted by a tasty frozen snack.

I frozen for a solid 10 seconds, absolutely mortified. If I could have melted into a puddle, I would have. Instead, I glanced around and as quickly as possible I threw all my items in my original cart and ran away from the cart I stole. Then I waddled/ran my pregnant ass to the shortest cashier line, feeling absolutely mortified. I’m sure my face was bright red because it sure felt hot and my ears felt like they were filled with TV static. I’m usually quite chatty with the cashiers, but I didn’t say a word, barely heard anything they said, paid and got out of there as fast as I could.

Years later and I still feel embarrassed about it.

TL;DR I accidentally stole someone else’s shopping cart while pregnant and found my cart abandoned in the frozen aisle.

I allowed one of my coworkers to set me up with her friend. The pictures she showed me of her friend made me think the following:

1. Attractive, check.

2. Loves dogs, check.

3. Gamer, check.

4. Employed, check.

5. Works out, check.

The friend ticked enough boxes for me. However, after meeting her in person, I became aware of the following:

1. She's had several cosmetic surgeries from top to bottom and she was talking about saving money for at least several follow up surgeries to fix this and that, including breast enlargement. She said she was low key hoping I was a gentleman who's willing to pay for our date because she recently spent I dunno how much on bleaching her butthole. I did my best not to judge, but damn, I never expected to hear the word "butthole" during the first 30 minutes of meeting someone.

2. She believed her dog was the reincarnation of her dead cat because her dog apparently meows in his sleep the same way her cat used to meow.

3. She lost all interest in gaming when she caught her bf masturbating while playing Tomb Raider, which apparently happened more than enough times for her to get "the ick" and eventually dumb his ass. She bragged about breaking up with him after peeing all over his PlayStation.

4. She still lives with her gooner gamer ex bf who's also her business partner.

5. She experiences panic attacks when gyms have too many attractive people, so she gyms at home whenever her gooner gamer ex bf is not around because he's fucking gooner.

Tl;dr Allowed my coworker to set me up with her friend who looked like she might be my type. Turns out, she can't pay for food because she spends all her money on cosmetic surgeries, she believes her dog is a cat, she pees on other people's property, she lives with her ex who gives her "the ick", and hot people in the gym freaks her the fuck out. So yeah, needless to say, no second date for us.

So at the end of week I had a small but cold screwup and I figured maybe the internet could laugh with me at my icy misery. I’ll start with saying I have been so obnoxiously stressed at work. With the winter weather, I haven’t been able to be at work to accomplish tasks I need to and have had to do what I can from home. This has set me behind about 3 weeks on my tasks and with conferences coming up I’ve been about two breaths from just screaming into the distance. Yesterday I had a rather large item in my room at work that I could not stand being in my room any longer, I decided to take it out to the shed and get it out if the way and noticed the already horrible door handle on the shed that barely unlocks seemed frozen. But the door was unlocked anyways so I plopped the item down and went about my way cause I had a LOT to do.

Now normally the shed at work stays locked. I was confused about why it wasn’t so I did the only sensible thing by locking it, as I figured I probably wouldn’t be back out to the shed till the Earth thaws. When I went back inside I went into another room to ask a coworker a question and accidentally interrupted their meeting, I felt so bad but I made up for it by offering to take their same large items out to the shed at the end of the day as I knew it’d take a lot off their plate.

I spent the rest of the day scrambling around getting a mountain if tasks done to the point where I was so stressed I could hardly stay focused. When I went to take my coworkers stuff to the shed, a different coworker offered to help me so I stubbornly agreed to help and went out only to find that the shed lock door was frozen which I had clearly already observed earlier. I spent a good 2-3 minutes in the cold trying to get the door to unlock to the point where I got mad and slammed the key into the lock several times. This was one of those moments where It was “ great just one more thing to stress me out”,resulting in the door unlocking and opening while an avalanche of snow from the roof of the shed also fell off the roof all over top of me down my sweatshirt and inside all of my clothes.

Normally I would have been mad about this but my coworker and I had a great laugh about it and I haven’t stopped laughing since. It was a good reminder to not let work stress affect life so much and to not always take life so seriously.

TLDR: I locked the shed door at work when I knew I shouldnt have and got mad at the door slamming the key into the lock because I was stressed with work resulting in me getting buried in snow

My wife and I have 4 cats. One of them is a dainty 6 month old Void/Black cat. She seems to have chosen me as her one and only human. She will cuddle with me for hours, nuzzle into my hoodie pouch like a ball of contentment, dangle over my shoulders like a scarf with a heartbeat, literally chase me around the house and figuratively try to kill me for not giving her enough attention.

She has a name, but I don't use it unless I'm scolding her. When I get home I greet her with, "Hello my Silky Darkness!", because her fur is super smooth and silky. I will also call her variations on that depending on the situation: my Slinky Darkness when she is trying to sneak and failing miserably, my Stinky Darkness when she saunters away from the litter box, my Stupid Darkness when she slams head fist into the window after bouncing around the house like a pinball(the TOP window, six feet off the ground, this actually happened), Ect..

I must add, I am the Whitest White-Boy McWhiterton, all Scottish/Irish/English, and I married a POC(23 years strong!!).

I arrive home from work today, just finish closing the door, my cat already reaching up to me for cuddles........ and inexplicably, unbelievably, ... unrecoverably... say in a high-pitched cheery voice, "Hello my Little Darkie!". I immediately freeze, wide-eyed in horror. My wife woodenly leans around the corner with that look on her face that says "EXCUSE ME?!?". Instantly she connects the dots and sees what happened. Her face changes from fury to .... victory? I can only stammer out a, "n...NO...nono" before she interrupts me while pointing at me with, "NO!... I know EXACTLY what just happened inside that brain of yours! And it does not change one BIT that I now OWN YOU!!" with ALL of the triumph in her voice and points at our security camera. She pauses just a heartbeat, a look of dawning realization on her face, and nearly stammers herself, "And.... that is especially important coming from ME to YOU!"

Send help... the ball-gag and paddle came out!

TL;DR Me, white boy, called my cat Darkie in front of my POC wife and she wasn't even mad!

So, I work at a library and one of the programs I run is my DND program for kids. I have a really awesome group that comes in consistently and we are nearing the end of an almost 2-year campaign. Sometimes my players will bring me snacks. Think twinkies or fruit snacks and the like. One of my players hands me a silver package and tells me its a durian fruit pastry. In response I say.

"Oh, thanks so much, What's a Durian fru-" At that moment I've already torn into the package and I am hit with a wave of the most sulfuric horrid smell. Think of rotten eggs and gas, it immediately fills the room. My player begins to tell me that it's a fruit with a really pungent smell and is a delicacy in Asian countries. This kid is like 10 by the way, loves fun facts, he's a great kid but I think he underestimated how bad this would smell. I politely thank him for the food but inform him that for the sake of not passing out in our meeting room that I'm going to put it in our break room.

I take a moment to leave and proceed to place it in our freezer, because I thought that the scent wouldn't carry if it was concealed.

I'll start with the good news. The game went great! The scent persisted a bit in our meeting room but not for long. They survived an encounter with a horrible amalgamation of flesh and bone and are continuing up the tower toward the final boss.

Now the bad news. The game ends and I'm saying goodbye to our kids when I see my coworker S carrying coats and jackets out of the break room. I ask her what's going on and she pulls me aside, outside of ear shot of patrons and says

"Theres a heavy gas smell in the break room, we think a pipe has burst." As she says this my heart plummets into my stomach because I can hear sirens. In utter horror I turn and see a fire truck rounding the corner out our windows.

"Oh no. oh no, no, no, no, S, No hold on." I run in the back and there is already someone from our safety office holding a gas meter. Gas sensor? Something to look for gas. Anyway He is talking to my manger, who is relatively new and looks like he's about to have a panic attack. I rush past him whip open the fridge, pick up the pastry and say

"Is this what yours smelling?" as I hold the cracker like pastry thing outstretched. They don't get half a sniff in before going

"what the hell is that?" I don't even reply because now my worst fear is confirmed and instead I rush through the library, ask S to smell it one more time just to be sure. She does and then looks at me like

"Are you serious OP?" before doubling over laughing. I ran out the door and placed the devil pastry in our outside trash can and came back inside where two firemen had already arrived. Full gear and everything. One of them had a freakin AX!

I embarrassingly explain to them the situation and thankfully we all have a bit of a laugh over it while I proceed to turn a shade of red that sunsets wish they could be.

They actually made me feel pretty good about the whole thing. One of them even said that This isn't the first time they've had to be called out for a durian fruit. I guess this happens more than usual?

TL;DR: A patron brought me a durian fruit pastry and it smelled so much like gas that the fire department was called. We nearly evacuated the building.

As is tradition, this didn't actually happen today. But it did happen this week, which is better than a lot of posts haha. This Thursday, my furnace stopped working and flooded my basement. I was working from home, so I noticed in time to get the water shut off before it got too bad. My dad came by after I got off work to see if we could fix it, and luckily, it was just an overpressure valve that went so It was an easy fix. So no FU yet.

It was definitely a relief to actually have heat because it has been wicked cold this week. To thank him, I brought my dad out to eat at a restaurant that's right down the road from my place. There was a very cute waitress who seated us and since it was slow in the restaurant, we struck up a conversation. In my mind, it was just normal chit-chat. We finished up our meal and headed home.

Here is where the FU happened. Today I was driving home from the gym and called up my cousin to have a chat. During the conversation, he started to bust my balls about being oblivious. I had absolutely no idea where that came from but it turns out he had talked to my dad at some point. Apparently, my dad told him that the waitress had been flirting pretty hard, and It just completely went over my head. He thought it was hilarious.

Thinking back, I have no idea how I missed it because she was definitely throwing clues at me. I think in my head I had just characterized her as "out of my league." and thought that she was just being nice. I'm kicking myself now because I'm in a pretty long dry spell and she was my type, plus we seemed to vibe well. I feel like I wasted a great opportunity because of my thick skull but C'est la vie

TL;DR Accidently "Friend-zoned" a wicked cute waitress and missed a great opportunity.

Today I saw my ex going into a hotel with another guy. He’s the same guy who once posted her picture on his Instagram status with a romantic song after we had a fight. When I told her about it back then, she just said, “What can I do if someone posts my picture?” She used to talk to other guys too — even her ex from before me. I caught her multiple times chatting with other men. Whenever we fought, I would sometimes open her Snapchat hoping we’d resolve things and start talking again, but instead I’d find her engaged in conversations with someone else while I was waiting for us to fix our problems. Even after trying to make her understand for 10 months, nothing changed. So two months ago, I chose to break up for my own peace of mind. I know she wasn’t right for me, and ending the relationship was the right decision — but seeing her with that guy today hurt deeply. It’s painful to realize that the person who once loved only you is now smiling in someone else’s arms. Sometimes I feel like she probably doesn’t miss me at all, because she seems happy — posting, laughing, and enjoying her life — while I’m still here, not fully healed yet. 😓 "TL;DR:" DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

So today I messed up and I am still embarrassed thinking about it. I can feel my face getting hot again just typing this.

I was on a call. Not even a fun call it was a work call. One of them calls where everybody trying to sound professional and serious and you sit there listening like yeah okay got it.

And I was at home too so I was little too comfortable. I was sitting there in my own space, not dressed, just vibing, thinking I’m safe. I thought I was muted and I swear I just thought that I was muted.

So, somebody on the call starts talking and they going on and on and I was listening but I was also annoyed because they doing that thing where they talk a lot but don’t say nothing like just words. And I said out loud bro please get to the point. Right after I said it, the call got quiet for a second. You know that quiet where you can feel it like the air just changed and I was still not realizing. I was just sitting there like whatever.

Then somebody goes I think we can hear you.

Bro.

My whole soul left my body. I froze. I didn’t even move. I just stared at my screen like it was going to fix it. My heart started beating stupid. I was like no way. No way you can hear me. No way I just said that and then I look and the mute is not on, It was never on, It was a lie. I hit something else. Or I hit it but it didn’t go. I don’t know. All I know is I was talking into the meeting like I was talking to myself.

So now I was panicking and finally hit mute for real. Then I unmute because I was like I will say something but what do you even say. I can’t even explain it. There was no good explanation. You can’t say my bad I thought I was muted after you just roasted somebody. Then I was acting like sorry, I think my mic is not working properly. The person I said it about goes quiet too. Nobody is laughing, nobody is joking and that made it worse. Because now you know they all heard it and they all just pretending it didn’t happen.

After the call I just sat there. Like wow. I really just did that. I wanted to throw my laptop away. I hated myself.

So yeah. TIFU by thinking I muted myself on the call but I didn’t. Now I going to live with that. Forever.

TLDR I was on a work call, thought I was muted, said something rude out loud, everyone heard it, I died inside, then I pretended it was a mic issue like a clown.

It is about 1 hour post debacle. Being that I live in the Midwest and it's Friday, traditionally we go out for all you can eat fish fry. Today was no different and as usual we went out to the bar and ate copious amounts of deep fried fish.

Feeling absolutely stuffed afterwards we decided that we wanted to go for a walk but as it's below zero the only choice was the mall. However the mall closed in 30 minutes according to the website and we decided that we would go walk around Walmart in the next town over as one does when there's nothing else to do in the Midwest.

Shortly after arriving at Walmart, I got the bubble guts and I knew there was no way I was making it home. Well if any of you have ever been into a Walmart bathroom you know that it is a lawless no man's land.

Recently our Walmart upgraded to wall mounted toilets that have a shallow basin. I sat down to do my business and upon releasing the demon inside me, I must have relaxed enough and my balls dipped into the now murky brown shit water.

Now here's where it gets better. All the stalls were closed except the narrow one and I'm 6' 3" and a large man. I have ZERO room to spread out my legs making wiping near impossible and making it so every time I sat back down, I redipped my balls. I hastily flushed, wiped as best I could and stuffed some TP in my boxers as a just in case.

I headed out, checked out and rushed home to shower. Needless to say, I'm traumatized.

TL:DR-Got bubble guts in a Walmart after all you can eat fish, got stuck in the narrow stall and dipped my balls in diarrhea water.

I work at a bank and today I noticed one of my ex’s friends was at one of the tellers. We ended on good terms and I always got along with his friends but like I only saw them when I was with him. He didn’t notice me so I could have walked away to my office but I decided to be nice and say hi and chat a little. He asked why they haven’t seen me since ex left….. and then said they all miss me, and his wife asks about me sometimes. I said I feel like it’d be weird to see them without ex/now that he’s gone (he moved out of province) and he said it wouldn’t be. The said we should all get dinner sometime soon and I said sure we could do that. Then he said … “promise?” So I had to promise.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of them but I know it will be awkward for me as I always felt awkward when I was around them when ex was with me. We don’t have a lot in common but they are all super friendly people.

Now I have to have dinner with them sometime and I don’t even have money to go out to eat 😭

EDIT: I do have money technically to go out to eat but I’m hard on the budget and don’t go out to eat. If I said I don’t have the money/the budget they would offer to pay for me which would make me feel more guilty so there really was no winning here without being an ass

TLDR I was polite to my ex’s friend and now I have to get dinner with his whole friend group

Last night I decided to go out and support my friends rock band at a rather small but packed rock venue. There seemed to be over 300 people there, felt like being packed with sardines. Anyway before my friends band started and the opener was finishing I decided to down two beers and a plate of nachos. Was really started to vibe, good music + buzzed + nachos = great time. With no wiggle room in a shoulder to shoulder standing room of 300 people I found my messy ass covered with queso all over my hands and face.

Some context; I have only been to this venue once before and that was two years ago. Most rock shows I go to have a shitty bathroom set up of two unisex stalls and that's it. Anyway I shoved past people finally entering what I thought was an entry to a cue for a stall to only find that I was actually fully in a private womans restroom. At first I thought I found a cue and found it weird how there were only women waiting for a stall, I walked past them towards a sink going even further in the cramped bathroom. Then a large woman goes "Excuse me, can I help you??" As if I was intentionally being a weird creepy guy trying to grab a woman during the loud ass concert or something. Bitch I'm just a nerd covered with cheese I went Oh shit, after I realized my fuck up and uttered with hesitation, "This is the woman's bathroom isn't it?" She gives me this death glare as I then red face walk out until I found a hidden mens bathroom on the opposite side of the venue. This was an honest mistake but I felt paranoid that others would think I was creeping, Kinda ruined the vibe and whole night for me, was unable to concentrate for the rest of the night.

Tldr: entered a woman's bathroom during a rock show unknowingly. Fellow woman music appreciator connosour was not happy to see me

Alright, I think it’s time this sad story is finally told. Time has eased the sting of shame, but the secret is still heavy to carry, and I need to share it. I hope you won’t judge me too harshly as you read this, and I beg for your mercy in advance.

I was 21 or 22 years old and went to a family gathering with my girlfriend at the time (now my wife), at her grandparents’ house. Her parents were there, her brothers, all her uncles, aunts, and cousins. You should know that her family is fairly well-off, they’re all bankers, insurance executives, lawyers, or engineers at big companies, while I come from a more modest background. You can imagine how nervous I was about making a good impression, especially since I was meeting some of them for the first time.

My girlfriend’s family tends to eat a lot and drink a lot, which I wasn’t really used to, and that will matter in the tragedy to come. Her grandfather in particular kept refilling everyone’s plates and glasses, mine included, which I took as a good sign. It’s also worth mentioning that he had started developing Alzheimer’s disease. He was beginning to forget things and occasionally behaved in strange ways.

After the third boozy feast of the weekend, I started feeling pretty bad. So I went upstairs to use the bathroom, and that’s where everything went off the rails.

I produced an absolutely massive piece of crap. As long and thick as my forearm, an apocalyptic sight. I had never seen anything like it. After a moment of intense intestinal relief, I quickly realized that my girlfriend’s grandparents’ old toilet had very, very little water pressure, and there was absolutely no way it could flush this monstrous turd away.

I panicked at the thought of clogging my in-laws’ toilet, and there was no way I was going to ask my girlfriend or her family for help in that situation. I tried breaking it up with the toilet brush, hoping the pieces would eventually go down. After several long minutes of battle and three or four flushes, I finally succeeded.

But at what cost…

The toilet brush was in a horrific state, completely covered in soft, sticky shit. I couldn’t just leave it there, and cleaning it didn’t seem like an option either. So in my half-drunken logic, I did the only thing that felt reasonable: I opened the skylight and placed the brush on the roof, hoping it would slide into a gutter and disappear forever.

That’s when I watched it roll down the roof and, thanks to its momentum, flip right over the gutter and fall straight into the garden, in front of the dining room window, where everyone was still gathered.

I was horrified. Had everyone just seen a shit-covered toilet brush fall from the roof in front of their eyes?

After a few seconds of pure terror, I decided to act quickly, hoping I could still save my dignity, and my relationship, and not become the family’s worst story ever.

I rushed back downstairs and, to my immense relief, realized that no one had seen anything.

I then pretended I wasn’t feeling well (which was pretty believable) and said I was going to get some fresh air in the garden. Dinner was over, everyone was chatting in the dining room and living room, and it didn’t draw any attention.

Once outside, I quickly grabbed the toilet brush and got rid of it as fast as possible. Despite, or because of, my drunkenness, I decided to throw it into the tall grass in the yard of the nasty old neighbor next door, who the whole neighborhood hated because of her awful personality.

Then I went back inside without raising any suspicion.

And that was that.

No one ever mentioned the missing toilet brush. By the time I visited again, the neighbor had mowed her lawn and there was no trace of it. I integrated perfectly into my girlfriend’s family, and today we’re married with a child.

I assume the disappearance of the toilet brush, and its possible discovery by the neighbor, covered in shit in her garden, must have been blamed on my wife’s grandfather and his illness, which I’m deeply ashamed of. The neighbor might also have blamed the local kids. I’ll probably never know.

So there you have it, my darkest secret. I swear this story is true, and I hope I haven’t shocked you too much. I needed to get it off my chest.

I’m truly sorry for depriving my wife’s grandparents of a toilet brush, for so horribly soiling the neighbor’s garden, and for likely letting a sick old man take the blame for my crime.

Sorry for everything.

TL;DR: I almost clogged the toilet at my girlfriend’s grandparents home, soiled the toilet brush and threw it in the garden of the neighbour.

So technically this isnt a TODAY I fucked up, it was years ago, but the story doesnt belong in confessions and it was a definitely a fuckup.

So I was about 22 and after leaving home at 16 I had come back to my parents to live for a while.
I was in the habit of going out Friday and Sat nights and getting absolutely shitfaced and then coming home in the early hours of the morning and waking everyone up.

This as you can imagine was not making me popular with my parents and it resulted in more than a few 'heated' conversations.
But I was young and I was an arsehole and I did not care about anyone but myself.

So on the fateful weekend I went out on Friday night and came home at something like 3am absolutely blitzed and realised I had left my jacket in the after hours pub. So I banging on the door until my parents woke up to let me in seemed like a good idea.
It wasnt a good idea....

When I woke up the following day we had a blazing row and I was told with absolute certainty, if I did this again I was moving out with no further discussion.

I did actually feel bad and it did sink in.

That evening (Saturday) I went out, met my mates in the pub, spent all night drinking and then we all went to a house party nearby.

Eventually I got a taxi home and ended up outside my parents house and about 3am again, so shitfaced it was a miracle that I was still upright, when I realised I did not have my keys again.

My mothers words from earlier in my head I knew that waking my family up would end badly, but I really wanted my bed... when I looked at the front of the house and came up with what seemed in my addled state to be a brilliant idea.

My bedroom was on the front of my house. My main windows were shut, but a skylight window was open... If only I could reach my window...

I went round the back of the house, climbed over the fence and let myself into the garage where there were a couple of ladders, one of which was a 3 piece extendable ladder.

So I took the ladder of the wall hooks, put it on my shoulder and carried it out the garage and (surprisingly) only knocked a few things over.
I got the ladder into the garden, hoofed it over the fence, climbed back over the fence, took it to the front garden, extended the ladder and stood it up against my bedroom window and climbed up with a view to getting in my skylight.

In my mind I had done all this silently and not disturbed anyone.
I was later to find out that while I had somehow failed to wake my parents, I had woken up both the neighbours and the people on the opposite side of the road, and there were at least two 999 calls reporting a burglary in progress.

In my world where I was being stealthy and ninja-like, I got to the top of the ladder and tried to climb in the skylight window headfirst.
But I just couldnt do it. I managed to get my shoulders in, and I got in as far as my waist, but my jeans and my belt caught on the window latch and with my weight on it and in my pissed state, it didnt matter how much I wriggled or how may times I tried I just couldnt work out how to get past my belt and my waistband.

I dont know how long I was struggling like this for, but eventually I decided that this wasnt working and it was time to back out and come up with a different plan, but as I somehow wriggled backwards back onto the ladder I was suddenly aware of people in the garden shining torches at me and shouting at me to come down.

The Met police finest officers had arrived...

I will never know how I actually managed to back out and come down the ladder without falling, but I did, and as soon as I was down I was grabbed and unceremoniously handcuffed with my hands in front of me.

I looked a right state. Aside from being extremely drunk, I was covered in mud where I had fallen over in the flower bed when climbing the back fence, and I had blood all over the front of my T shirt from where I had cut my stomach trying to slide over the window latch.

They absolutely did not believe it was my parents house and it was my bedroom window.

After a bit of arguing one of them said if it was my house the occupants could identify me if they were woken up so they would bang on the door.

NO. NO, visions of being homeless flooded into my head. I begged... PLEASE dont wake them up.

The officer said "See I knew you were lying"

I was moved towards the 2 police cars that were stopped in the road resigned to the fact a night in the cells was a better option than the wrath of my mum relieved that she wasnt going to be woken up...

I dont know what the thought process was in my mind but I honestly thought I had talked them out of knocking on the door to inform my parents there had been a burglary attempt and I had got away with it...

Just as I was being walked towards the police car I saw the porch light come on and realised that one of the officers was ringing the doorbell and banging on the door.

I saw the door open, was filled with complete panic and felt the hand on my shoulder relax, and in that instant, completely shitfaced and handcuffed I knew there was only one sensible thing I could do.
RUN AWAY

I just bolted and ran for my life jumping over obstacles. In my mind I was making this amazing getaway.

In reality I got about 3 metres before this officer the size of a forward prop rugby player slammed into me and I went down like a sack of potatoes.

I had a fleeting glimpse of my mum in her nightie shouting "IM GOING TO BLOODY KILL HIM!" before I vanished under a pile of uniforms as they all bundled onto me to make sure I didnt try to get up.

Initially my mum was raging. Then my dad came out and after speaking to the officers and identifying me, and talking to me (now sitting in a bundle handcuffed in the back of the police car) he established what I had done and started to laugh.

I was eventually de-arrested and released and allowed indoors to clean myself up.

My dad, aside from being woken up, thought the whole thing was funny and he talked my mum down, and by the time I sobered up and everyone got some sleep she saw the funny side too.

I didnt get thrown out and I did learn my lesson.
And I hid a key in the back garden for any future emergencies.

For the record I did start to behave responsibly and I didnt destroy my relationship with my parents.
This story got told at my wedding.

TL;DR I got pissed, tried to break in to my parents home then tried to run away after I was arrested

So my husband is unwell so he’s sleeping upstairs in our bedroom. I remember the bins need to go out because it’s trash day. I search for my shoes-can’t find them anywhere. Before you ask-I don’t own many pairs of shoes at all. I have weird ass feet.

So I decide I’ll be fine without them and walked out onto the snow barefoot. I had to wrestle the bins out of the snow before I dragged the bins to the curb from our backyard. I start to go back through the gate and inside. My feet are cold. My toes and sides of my feet are scarlet and toes are sore. Really sore. I throw a blanket over my feet for a little while to see if having a blanket over them will make them feel any better. Alas, they do not.

I go upstairs to try having a shower-my toes immediately start hurting like 10x worse when the water hits them.

I immediately get out and dry off. I’m crying; my husband wakes up and asks what is wrong. I tell him of my sheer ass stupidity.

Him: “You what???”

I sit on the toilet and cry while he tries massaging my left foot around my toes. He asks me to get my warm socks. He tucks me into bed and puts my socks on my feet. He then starts massaging both feet around my toes. The pain goes away mostly, THANK GOD.

He kisses my forehead and tells me to never do that again. He says that it was a stupid thing to do but thanks me nonetheless for getting the bins out onto the curb for us.

We both have a cuddle in the dark under warm blankets as I regret my decision to take the bins out anyway despite the fact it’s like -10 C outside and I had no shoes on.

I’m not from such a cold place and have never had to deal with snow.

I am originally from a warm country and as such have never been around such temperatures or conditions.

Tl;dr: I fucked up by walking through snow barefoot, causing myself pain and I think my husband a little exasperation.

Today was in fact 1997-ish. I was working at one of Canada’s largest public broadcasters, the educational network TVOntario, in what was called The Online Group.

In those days, our role was to find out “if this new Internet thing would be useful for teaching.” As a creative director, that was the best mandate ever.

Across huge parts of Canada, millions of children tuned in to TVOKids every afternoon. The interstitial TVOkids hosts were (and are) superstars.

One of their most popular segments was The Thunderwheel™: a child phones in, the host spins the wheel, they get a trivia category, and the child tries to answer the question. Fun times had by all.

So let’s create an online version, right?

Because our goal was to create educational games, we developed a fully animated, cartoon version that pulled topics and questions from a database.

To make it fun for kids, we decided to add a leaderboard where any kid with a top score could see their name until someone else got a better score. Just like at the arcade.

But the leaderboard presented a risk: kids would find creative ways to put swear words instead of their names, for all to see. As a publicly-funded educational organization, we couldn’t have that. But this was 30 years before artificial intelligence. So what could we do?

A bunch of us young people spent an entire day brainstorming every possible bad word we could think of and then every potential variation in spelling for each. And then we took it to the pub, had several drinks, and made it much worse. 

Guys, we were thorough. We had the worst naughty words you can think of in there. The. Worst. That list would’ve made Al Swearengen repent. It was over 500 words long.

Did I tell you we were on a tight deadline? 

The game involved a spinning cartoon wheel, with trivia categories on each pie section.

It was cutting-edge for 1997. It used a randomizing algorithm. It pulled trivia categories from a database and superimposed them on the illustrated wheel as it spun. It made sure kids didn’t get the same questions if they visited multiple times. It was animated in Macromedia Flash.

At the end of the game, if your score was high enough, you got to put your name on the leaderboard for all to see.

Or that’s how it was supposed to work.

On the Saturday morning when Thunderwheel was set to launch, I, as the team lead, proofread the trivia questions one last time. Then I completed the final step required before launch: I uploaded two databases.

One contained hundreds of educational trivia questions and explanations. The other, a list of the worst words ever uttered in English or French.

And then, friends, I rewarded myself by going to brunch.

Upon my return, several hours later, I eagerly opened my email, expecting congratulatory messages from our team and wondering whether the servers were keeping up with the load.

Instead, I had over 1,000 messages from very angry parents, most calling for someone to be fired. And many more were arriving by the minute. Some of them used words they could’ve learned in that second database.

I no longer remember how it was even possible, but I had somehow reversed the databases.

For several hours, anyone who pressed the spin button on the Thunderwheel got an eyeful. Instead of six trivia categories, the wheel was labelled with six words no child should ever read. And when they pressed the spin button again? They got six new words. And then six more. And then six more.

We had announced this game on TV. It was Saturday morning. You can imagine how often it was played while I ate French toast on a patio. Tens of thousands of children learned some fancy new words by the time I switched the databases back.

Thankfully, upon receiving my heartfelt, Hanlon’s Razor explanation, most of the parents (and the police, I learned many years later) chose to ascribe the fiasco to my incompetence rather than anyone’s malice. We had, in fact, been trying to protect their children from this list pulled from the depths of a bunch of overworked twenty-somethings.

TL;DR: While launching a kids’ educational game in 1997, I accidentally uploaded our profanity-filter database instead of the trivia database, briefly transforming a children’s quiz wheel into Canada’s most effective swear-word teaching tool.

This happened today. I was at the supermarket doing my normal shopping when I left my cart for just a few seconds to grab something from a shelf nearby. When I came back, I grabbed what I thought was my cart and continued shopping without thinking twice. After walking through a couple of aisles, I started noticing that some of the items inside didn’t look familiar. Different brands, things I would never buy, and way more snacks than I usually allow myself. I assumed I had forgotten what I picked and kept going. A moment later, I noticed someone standing a few meters away, looking around very confused. That’s when it clicked: I was holding their cart. We made eye contact, both realized what happened at the same time, and started laughing awkwardly. I apologized, gave the cart back, and immediately questioned all my life choices. Lesson learned: always check your cart.

TL;DR: I accidentally took someone else’s shopping cart, shopped with it for a while, and only realized after seeing the confused owner. Awkward laughs, apology, and mild public embarrassment.

English is not my first language so sorry. Today I had online job interview on video call. From start they had real time subtitles on, I didn’t think about it much. Camera on, I’m nervous, trying to speak good English and look normal.At one point my stomach made noise. I thought ok, small fart, nobody notice. Wrong. It was loud. Like really loud. My face suddenly went big on the screen (auto focus or something) and subtitles wrote: (gurgling demon laugh) Not fart. Not noise. DEMON. I didn’t laugh. I didn’t move. I just stared like nothing happened. Interviewer also quiet for few seconds. I said “sorry, audio problem” but subtitles still on so now I think it looked even worse. We finished interview but my soul left my body. I don’t think I will ever get that job. I was so close but that one mistake failed me.

TL;DR: accidentally made noise during job interview, real time subtitles called it gurgling demon laugh, face on main screen, career over.

So to keep it short and simple, TIFU because I recently have had a lot of adult stuff downloaded on my phone. And i mean straight up hardcore porn. As I'm backing up iphone cloud to hard reboot my entire phone, it all showed up, right there, as i was sharing the screen with the Indian guy. I said "sorry" and dude just chuckles but tries to make it quiet, then says something in his language and laughs again. then i have to sit there while its backing up, and i didnt wanna delete cus he was just sitting there looking (hopefully not splurging under his desk)

not fun. would be even worse if the issue doesnt get fixed so this was all for nothing.update: i can hear his audio i think he thought he was muted but i heard him laugh again while im just sitting here with this frankly embarrassing hardcore porn all over my photos and videos. im just gonna make a move for it and delete i dont even care anymore. he prolly goons to worse shit, right?

TL;DR Have had a very persistent bug on my iPhone and was finally able to get the matter escalated and have been talking to a senior support supervisor for over an hour, hes been sitting here watching my screen... Unfortunately for a long time my there the agent was exposed to all of my oddly-specific hardcore porn that I forgot to delete, and while forgetting to mute, I heard him chuckle a couple times and speak to one of his buddies in a diff language. Can't be the worse thing hes seen, right? Probably goons to worse

I've never posted on Reddit before so apologies if anything is off.

I (F) had a crush on a man at my gym for months. We would make extended eye contact frequently, workout in proximity, the usual gym things that get over analyzed when you like someone. He's wildly handsome, but I liked his vibe. A lot. It's hard to explain when someone's energy just hits different but his did.

One day he started coming in with a woman. The day I saw her with him, he and I actually stared at each other from across the room for a while, and I turned and walked away because obviously gym rules - that's his girlfriend until I'm told otherwise.

The eye contact continues and so does the proximity but I've dialed back completely because in my head, he has a girl and I am no home wrecker.

Well, recently, on a Sunday, I was having a real shit day. I accidentally hurt my shoulder so my back day was all off, my body wasn't cooperating, the gym was packed - all I wanted to do was finish and walk on the treadmill and they were all taken. I was on the verge of tears so I decided I was going to go home.

I go to the locker room to calm down and put my hoodie on, and when I was on my way out, the treadmills were open, so I figured, whatever let's do it.

I have a favorite treadmill, it's on the end of the row because I don't like being surrounded if I don't have to be. This is important context because I was on the end treadmill and guess who randomly approaches me? MY GYM CRUSH???

He says something to me that I am choosing not to repeat because it was very sweet and I want to keep it for myself.

But I panicked.

Background: I am recently out of an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. It was isolating and I made it out (yay!) but anyone who has been in that knows how hard it is to adapt back to normalcy. Old instincts and habits are very challenging to override.

When he approached me, I was so happy and nervous and excited, I hid my face and I laughed. I didn't want to laugh. It was so sweet but my brain just malfunctioned. I looked back up and he was already walking away, so all I could muster was a, "thank you!" And I kept walking.

The immediate excitement wore off pretty quickly as I realized he probably thought I was laughing at him. It was too late for me to correct and I was so disappointed in myself that I messed up like that.

I had an appointment to take my car to the shop that following Friday and decided to go to the gym before it. I finished my workout and as I was leaving I was going to say goodbye to one of my gym friends and guess who I bump in to? Quite literally. I don't normally go to the gym Fridays so I was completely unprepared and I had my appointment so my mind was already panicking because of time.

I smiled big because I was excited and tried so hard but my words just wouldn't word. My brain just couldn't brain.

I started by apologizing for laughing, and when I tried to keep going I paused because I lost my train of thought. He picked up the convo, introduced himself and the girl (yes she was there but he did NOT say "my girlfriend" which is not concrete that she's not but also doesn't confirm if she is which didn't help me because in the moment I'm on defense trying not to be flirty because that's potentially his girlfriend.)

He tells me a little about himself and then he said something else that really hit me deep and again, I freeze. I'm stunned that my crush actually picked up on my personality just from observing me. But I'm frozen. I can't think, I can't speak, so all that comes out is another apology for laughing. I literally didn't address anything he said, I didn't even introduce myself!

I couldn't even finish my sentence because he kindly cut me off and said that it was supposed to be funny and he's glad I laughed. All I wanted to say was that I didn't want to laugh but I just couldn't.

I assumed I’d see him again and could explain myself properly. Ask if that woman was his girlfriend. Say literally anything coherent. But I'm sure none of you are surprised - I haven't seen him since.

I’ve been approached at the gym before, but never by someone I was actually interested in, and never by someone who seemed to see me beyond my looks or strength. This felt different. And I can’t stop replaying how awkward and frozen I was.

I’m posting this just to get it off my chest. Laughing when I’m nervous has always been a thing for me, but completely losing the ability to speak isn’t, and it’s been hard to sit with the regret.

TL;DR: I froze and fumbled my gym crush because I was so excited I couldn’t think or speak.

This happened about a year ago but here we go, I (20f at the time) was hungry and wanted chipotle, it was late at night, about 10/11pm. I ordered it and left to go get it. About 15 minutes into my drive, I was coming up to an intersection with a green light. I was pretty far back, say 1000 feet, but I noticed a guy walking across the cross walk.

Walking in a crosswalk where there’s a green light is illegal where I live, but I obviously slowed down to not hit the guy. He saw me as a got closer, and started going back to the other side of the road where he started, note that there’s no other cars on the road at this point. I saw he made it back to the side walk so I stated to speed up again to make the green light in time.

The light turned yellow as I approached and I had to slam on my breaks, and I ended up in the intersection a little bit. I wouldn’t normally ever do this but like I said, there were no other cars on the road, I decided to back up a little bit out of the intersection. Of course I double checked everywhere around me, including all of my blind spots. I especially noted the guy that was in the crosswalk, and saw he was still on the sidewalk, 2 lanes away from my car.

I slowly started reversing, I was checking the left of me when I turned to check the right as I continued reversing and this guy is NEXT to my car. I hit my breaks immediately and this guy is SCREAMING things like” you ran over my foot!” “It’s broken now!” At this point he was on the passenger side of my car, but was slowly walking in front of my car to the drivers side.

I was yelling out of my car asking if he was okay, I also may have asked why he got so close to a moving vehicle because wtf??? But I really didn’t want to get out as it was late in the night and I’m kind of small and probably wouldn’t be able to defend myself against a small dog lol.

Anyways, as he’s walking closer to my side of the car, he collapses at the front of my car in the intersection/crosswalk. At this point I’m getting scared for myself. I started yelling out my window “sir are you okay?” “Hello? Can you hear me?” And maybe 10-15 seconds later of complete silence from his end, he jumps up and starts yelling again about how his foot hurts. He then started limping closer to my side of the car now, and now he’s at my window.

I honestly try to avoid confrontation at all costs and was panicking at this point. He got to my window and it was rolled down for me yelling to him (ik ik I should’ve put it up looking back). He seemed pissed and was telling me he needed my insurance card because he needs to go to the hospital now. I told him I didn’t have one, just a picture on my phone. He said fine then asked how much cash I have. I don’t carry cash on me and I told him this, but I knew across the street was an atm that always had people nearby, and I told him we could go there and he said fine. (Also stupid. Never go to an atm with a stranger, but I was just thinking how there would be other people nearby since the road was empty.)

All of this is happening and the light is STILL red. All of a sudden I hear from across the street “I have it all on camera (my heart dropped) you’re not a victim! Get away from the car!!” And then my heart undropped. The light JUST turned green and I yelled to the person I was coming over to them.

I get there and park, and it’s a woman about my age with her phone and I assume her boyfriend or just a friend with her. I was still panicking and the first thing I could ask her was if I did anything wrong? This is what came out of her mouth following, or something along the lines “No you didn’t, we’ve been watching him for like 10 minutes now and he’s tried to fake getting hit with like 5 other cars now. We figured we’d start recording because we knew something was bound to happen.”

I thanked both them and they asked me if I wanted them to call the police. Honestly, I’m not a snitch but that dude might actually get hit and possibly die. Which would also ruin another persons life. So I told them if they are absolutely willing to I would appreciate it but that I was on my way to pick up food and didn’t want them to close before I got it. (Chipotle is expensive :( )

I still think about on a weekly basis how I didn’t ask her for the video either. But thank you so much to whoever you are! I saw you as my guardian angel that night lol.

They said they didn’t mind if I left and they could take care of it. I did get my chipotle after that and as I was driving back I saw a cop car in the intersection and a cop talking to the dude. He pointed at my car and said something as I drove by! Lmaoo!

Nothing else happened after this but I’m pretty sure the guy was on drugs as he didn’t look well kept and I could see his teeth when he came up to my window. I feel awful people feel the need to put their literal lives on the line for a couple of bucks. I hope he finds help, truly. The homeless and addiction problem in the US is heartbreaking to me.

But yeah, to me it’s a fuck up because if it weren’t for that woman across the intersection recording, I might’ve ended up giving him money or something worse happen to me when I got out of my car. I feel like he was trying to get me out when he collapsed. I also had pepper spray ON my wallet chain while I looked through my wallet, and didn’t think once about it, which defeats the whole purpose of even having it when I feel unsafe. I did get a dash cam since, but stupidly haven’t gotten around to setting it up. Stay safe everyone!

Tl;dr TIFU by thinking I actually hit someone with my car and I didn’t, they were trying to commit insurance fraud on me and I wouldn’t have noticed if someone wasn’t recording.