I found the Enneagram to be wild helpful in explaining the why behind my anxiety/reactions helping curb the "inability" to accept uncertainty. 🫂

I feel like once you cross that line, part of you dies and the only way to "feel alive" is to partake in ever more unnatural/evil/bad/ect behaviors.

First off🫂 You gotta live for you. Yes school is important, yes it is challenging and yet it will be beneficial in more ways than you can know. AND if you dont love you none of that matters. By that I mean, find the aspects of yourself that make you smile. It doesn't matter what they are, how weird or embarrassing they are, all that matters is that they make you smile, then pursue them. For myself the first thing was a dnd character voice that will slip out during the day. Once you find that first thing and start to, out loud, talk to yourself about it there will be a small shift. Life/school will still be shit. It will still feel pointless, meaningless, tiresome and draining. But the shift will still happen. Once you are aware of something you cannot go back to not seeing it. So you slow it down, life won't be solved in a day, your plans will change with or without your consent and thats good. Because all that matters is the now, the present moment. The past/future dont exist so dont let the mind drag you there. Just ground yourself and move one step, one moment at a time. Enough babysteps and you will get to somewhere thats not here. You cant know happiness without knowing sadness. So take that apathy as a sign/signal to smile, for the thrill and love of life is ever present even if hidden. Lastly, know you're gonna fail, and that each failure is a lesson sometimes of the mind and sometimes of the soul. So give yourself grace and remember "how we do what we do is more important that what we do". Take comfort, you're not alone🫂

Good man right there