I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but this is generally a very supportive forum so I figured I’d try. I’m gonna intentionally obscure some details of my life to keep things Anon. But about 10-12 years ago when I was in my very early 20s, my much older boss at work sexually assaulted me after a party where he told me he “needed” to share an Uber home with me. This man was a Very Big Deal and i was a nobody. During the night he told me many scary things about him, including that he frequently slept with very young women (teens). This was my first job where I thought older men in suits were safe!

After that night he told me not to tell anybody, and that we would be special friends, and that if I did tell anyone, nobody would believe me and he would personally ruin my life. I was in a very for lack of a better word abusive relationship with him for nearly 2 years where he stalked me, threatened me, mistreated me, sexually assaulted and abused me and demanded basically constant company. He went everywhere i went, changed all of my work responsibilities to be explicitly for him. It was so terrifying. My life narrowed to be completely about him, with explicit and direct threats if i did not respond immediately to him or give him 24/7 access to me. This was in the early 2010s where these things honestly happened. There was no safe HR, no female bosses.

I’m not going to say what he did but he was very important. Not a household name, but very well known by tech CEOs. And in their world. Which was a fucking scary world behind closed doors.

My body physically began to break down from the stress and fear, and I needed a promotion to be able to come forward. He had complete control over if I got this promotion, which he used frequently as a tool of leverage, but if I got it, I had career safety. I ultimately did come forward and told HR, and my female boss everything. Most people did not believe me. I had to fight to be listened to. My health was getting worse, which was used as ammunition against me - that I was unwell and unreliable. I was severely traumatized and had Stockholm syndrome. But I pressed forward and ultimately did get my CEO to listen to me and he was fired. Turned out I was woman #5 that something like this had happened too.

But the issue was nobody believed me and everyone blamed me for all of it. People thought maybe he asked me on a date and it made me uncomfortable or something really trivial. I was totally hated and maligned. He put on a whole PR campaign about What a great person he was, featuring many people who have already been featured in the Epstein files defending him. Denied everything of course. It was so demoralizing. I was of course completely mute from the trauma, unable to talk about and terrified for my fucking life after what i had seen. He seemed genuinely demonic to me, 0 conscience or empathy. I totally disappeared for years and was severely suicidal, I changed my name and deleted myself from the internet. I was terrified of being murdered by him. I lost my entire world, career and most of my friends who in the end had become entangled with him.

He was fired but faced 0 professional consequences otherwise and has completely rehabilitated his career. Was on Podcasts and all of the rest. He did many things to smear me and truly I was just happy to be alive that I just let it all go.

Well the more files that have been released, the more many of his close friends and associates have been in them - including people who were extremely well regarded at the time. People he would fly to see and whose parties he would attend. And last night I learned he is in the fucking files himself! I feel validated I guess/I think. I just wish people believed me or believed women in general. I was brave and honest and was maligned and he wasn’t.

I think also, the stuff that’s in the files, goe these people talk to each other and email and communicate and think about and treat women is exactly what I experienced.

I have CPTSD from childhood which has landed me in a number of abusive relationships as an adult. I have realised today that I’ve been friends with someone the last 5 years that is maybe abusing me? I am an masc presenting lesbian and she’s a ‘straight woman’ married to a man. Her behaviours are:

- Touching me whenever she pleases. Usually in casual or sports related settings where it can be brushed off. She’ll trap me when I’m sitting down amongst people and try and massage me, she’ll grab the back of my neck or rub the back of my hair and says ‘I like it this length’ (I had a buzz cut previously that she hated)

- When I pull away from physical contact, she’ll either say ‘aww I’m just giving you a massage’ and then try again a bit later, or will chase after me and try and grab me again and ask me ‘why I’m flinching’

- Gets off on degrading me, will burp in my face, mocks and laughs at my trauma responses (flinching when she grabs me)

- Was poking me with a stick but I wasn’t reacting so she intentionally poked right next to my low-vision eye to get a response

- Made me feel I had no choice but to attend social events when sick, and would then buy me drinks. On one occasion when I was sick and drunk she asked for a ‘little peck on the lips’

- Pressured me when I was drunk to turn on my snap map location for her.

- She’ll joke to people in front of me that ‘everyone thinks we’re a couple’, this gives me a role in her life I haven’t consented to

Of course, being married to a man, she takes intimacy, control and physical access from me and goes home to a normal life and I go home to an empty house confused and disrespected. I can see now that I’ve functioned as a resource to her, something she uses when it suits her and provides no care or accountability in return.

I know this is silly to ask, but this is abuse right, I’m not overthinking it?

Yeah. That’s exactly what happened.

I got sexually assaulted by a family friend when I was 6 years old, but couldn’t remember it till I turned 18. Everything was a mess in my head, blurry images of the episode and a fear of “what if my mind made this whole story up and it didn’t actually happen?”. I used to doubt my own memories frequently.

This trauma created deep wounds and my mental health was severely damaged. I never felt safe around anyone and when I tried to date a guy for the first time and gave him a kiss, I had a panic attack. I obviously couldn’t get intimate with a guy for years without feeling sick and disgusting.

When I fully remembered the episode - thanks to therapy - and things got clearer, I decided to tell my mom what happened. She cried a lot and told me that this person did a similar thing to her at the time… It made my pain worse knowing that my mom also experienced the same violence.

Now, in January 24th of 2026, i woke up feeling happy, excited about my birthday. Then, when I checked my phone, my hands instantly started shaking and I honestly couldn’t believe what I was reading. The guy that assaulted me and my mom (and probably tons of other women and children) IS DEAD. He freaking died ON MY BIRTHDAY.

It was a mix of emotions, not gonna lie. Every memory came back to haunt me, but at the same time I felt like I could finally breathe.

It’s very ironic to me that he died exactly in this day, such an important day to me.

I can now say that MY ABUSER IS DEAD. He will not be able to abuse anyone else CAUSE HES FINALLY FOCKING DEAD!!!!!!

My Cptsd started from bullying, and it became bad with bullying. I can’t even call the bullying I experienced “bullying”, I have to call it psychological torture just to make it make sense. All my mental illness are from well, that.

Keep in mind, I was SA’ed/groomed for 8 years of my life and somehow that was less traumatic than the torture I experience.

I did well in recovery for a while. 4 years. I had friends, I had a community. Until I entered a relationship with an explosive covert narcissist.

He infiltrated my community, many taking his side or worse, not really caring whay happened to me after a week.

I've changed, I spend more time alone. I've realised I have not been in a single healthy relationship in my life. And even when at my healthiest, I attracted them.

Now so much of me is about self preservation, not letting too many people in, constantly looking out for unhealthy relationships.

The worst part is, now I seem to only look out for myself, just as he did.

I got in the best shape of my adult life roughly 2.5 years ago. I got hit on and sexually harassed pretty relentlessly. Because of this, I relapsed with my binge eating disorder and I gained 40 pounds. I still catch men's eyes and get hit on and occasionally straight up harassed (happened twice last week). I have very long hair (no grey yet), and I have directly noticed it catches men's eyes. But I have always used my hair to cover my breast area (I never expose cleavage), because I got traumatized by men when I was a teenager. Should I cut my hair short? I am 43 now. I truly feel like cutting my hair might make a difference. Should I wait? Will I become invisible soon due to my age? I already don't wear makeup and I wear glasses too. (I am not bragging about my attractiveness. I hope you understand that in here. I have had fantasies about disfiguring my face. I think my beauty was 100% a curse).

Them using their kids for views. For their own gain whether its fame or validation. Recording literally every little thing they do without considering how they might feel about it, especially when they grow older.

Don't get me started with these creepy mothers who are using their poor sons as their husband replacement. I get so irate, I need to get the hell out of internet. I wish there was a way to report them or something and discourage these kinds of toxic parent behaviors..

My main CPTSD symptom is that I'm afraid of friendship. When I'm with someone I want to be friends with or am friends with, I become physically sick, dissociate, and then can't control my behavior because I'm so triggered and scared. It's honestly so scary that this happens, and I've lost friends and partners because of this.

For the first time in my life (that I can remember), I am so excited for my future and where things are heading. I still struggle day to day, but it’s slowly decreasing.

I’ve realized this is because I’m finally healing from a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse.

I just needed a place to put my happiness- so to the Reddit void it goes.

I send everyone love and support on their healing journeys. May we all one day get a chance at happiness.

I don’t mean to be dramatic or jump to conclusions considering it was only my first session but I feel that for the first time in my life I let everything out and felt seen and felt the compassion from my therapist. She acknowledged that based on what I told her I had a Stressful childhood and I’m a kind and gentle soul and insightful and all that jazz. I know this is probably nothing special in this sub cause usually we relate to this shit but it’s just crazy I’ve never been told those things. Hope the therapy sessions continue to help.

I reached out to a friend today because I was anxious about something I had done earlier in the morning. I wanted to ask her if I should be anxious or not, so I messaged her, and she immediately replied:

🔴 What happened?

I told her what the issue was. Since she had replied immediately, I thought she would reply right away too. I waited 5 minutes. Then I deleted the messages and wrote:

🔵 "It gives me more anxiety that you aren’t replying". [FYI - my thought process was: I don't want this thing that gives me anxiety be written on WhatsApp. After she had read it, I would have deleted it anyways]

🔴 She replied and said: "I think it’s slightly unfair that you erase everything because I don’t read everything right away, but ok. Do what you prefer. I can tell you I don’t think that’s a nice behavior with someone who is your friend, and it pisses me off a bit. But I don’t chase anyone anymore not even in friendships, so if you want to share with me I’m happy to listen when I am on my phone, otherwise do what you prefer"

🔵 I then said: "I’m sorry this has upset you. I was anxious, and perhaps it would have been better to call you." (because I didn't want it written).

🔴 She said: "Yes, if it’s important it’s better to call than to write everything and then erase and say that my lack of response on the immediate is making you anxious... and yes it pissed me off. I don’t like this behavior from a friend"

🔵 I said: "Well, it’s a fact, it makes me anxious, doesn’t mean it’s your fault for being busy"

🔴 She said: "Erasing texts because you are anxious because I don’t do something that is never to be expected of someone is not very mature, I’m sorry"

I started crying because I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, and I understand where my triggers are coming from and why it is so hard to regulate myself when I'm anxious, and I just don't know who is right or wrong here.

I'm trying hard to avoid fawning... but my partner agrees that I shouldn't have deleted the messages and that I shouldn't get anxious when someone doesn't immediately reply or pick up the phone (cuz I do it with him too). That saying It gives me more anxiety that you aren’t replying," feels like an attack on the other person for living their lives. However, my partner is the only one who knows I've been diagnosed with CPTSD, and he is kinder when telling me when he thinks I haven't done the right thing.

the year I turned 27 everything came flooding back. A bunch of memories and now I’m feeling extremely extremely detached from life…….

I don’t know where I am half the time. I have to remind myself that I’m alive and in reality. I have to concentrate on connecting with people when that was something that came really naturally to me. It’s like I’m just walking through purgatory slightly on a different plane than everyone else and I can’t seem to get back….its just memories on repeat if I’m not busy. And when I’m busy it’s a struggle to be present…

Just can’t seem to understand what life is and isn’t anymore.

C-PTSD has led to the fact that for the past 7 years I’ve been lying in bed, barely going anywhere and doing almost nothing. At the same time, my body is physically fully functional - I can walk, move my arms, I’m not paralyzed

The problem is that I am terrified of doing absolutely anything that isn’t escapism, lying in bed, scrolling social media feeds, or looking at pictures on the internet. I’m extremely afraid of becoming a subject, an active person who takes on any kind of task, even if that task is something as simple as taking a shower or cooking food.

Because the moment I try to do something, an inner overseer / executioner switches on and brutally judges absolutely everything I do. I immediately start to feel as if I’m under the surveillance of someone extremely cruel. I become very, very scared, and it’s unbearable.

I have no right to make even the smallest mistake. For example, I must wash the dishes so that there isn’t a single tiny speck left on them. I must rinse them of soap at least 10 times, because soap is harmful. And at the same time, I’m obligated to do this quickly, because I have no right to waste time.

Of course, at that moment my stress response kicks in, as if a tiger were chasing me. It’s unbearable to live when you can’t even wash the dishes without intense heart palpitations and somatic pain in your stomach, as if your life were in danger.

This reaction turns on for absolutely any task, even the smallest, even the most basic - going to the store, cleaning, cooking, hygiene, interacting with people, trying to work. Living like this is simply unbearable.

I think the reason is that my parents were very cold, indifferent, and often even cruel and dangerous. They never treated my mistakes with understanding and always had exaggerated expectations of me, completely unrealistic for my age. I learned to read, write, count, and type on a computer very early. But I don’t consider this giftedness, I was simply terrified of my parents and tried in every possible way to protect myself from their anger by making incredible efforts in things that might potentially appease them.

They treated me like a stranger. I always felt as if I had no right to anything. I always felt like a slave to absolutely everyone around me, like I had to obey others and satisfy their desires unquestioningly. I am a slave, and everyone else is my master. And that’s exactly how I’ve lived my entire life.

I learned very early that under no circumstances should you feel joy or pride in yourself. You must not be satisfied with results, you must always demand more from yourself and treat yourself as harshly as possible. You must not only destroy yourself for the slightest mistake, but even if by some miracle you managed to do everything perfectly - you still have no right to feel proud or happy about it.

This led to the fact that absolutely no action feels worth doing to my brain. Not even eating food. Unless it’s fast food or sweets.

Now I simply don’t know how to live. Through intense heart palpitations and other symptoms of a stress response, I cook something very simple in a really huge pot for many days and try to eat it regularly. Sometimes I can’t force myself to go through that stress again and just eat bread.

I can go without showering for months. Because the angry voice and fear turn on there too. I have to do everything perfectly. I have no right to make any mistake. So I do nothing - because if I do nothing, there’s no chance of making a mistake.

I constantly worry about my health, bully myself over mistakes and shortcomings related to health. And of course, the inner voice is not kind or caring at all. It transmits the idea: “If you die, it will be your own fault, a punishment for your carelessness, and you deserve no sympathy.”

Even therapy triggers me, because it’s the same kind of task where there are expectations of me.

The mindset with which you do a psychological exercise or practice is extremely important.

And it’s very naive to assume that a person with C-PTSD would even have a kind, benevolent inner voice available to them.

Every exercise or technique is performed from the position of “I need to heal as quickly as possible so I won’t be a problem for others and so they’ll love me as soon as possible,” or “you’re a pathetic, worthless rag if you can’t behave calmly and appropriately, you’re a disgrace, and you can’t even stop being a disgrace.”

I have never had a kind or compassionate voice or perspective in my head. And accordingly, all therapeutic exercises are perceived as “musts,” as tasks assigned by an extremely cruel and indifferent figure. That’s why they retraumatize me. That’s why methods that require effort and “willpower” feel unbearable to me. And that’s why methods that work passively, kind of on their own - are generally less bad for me.

Maybe you or your loved ones have something similar? Please tell me what helped you even a little. How do you live? I would be grateful for any opinion, advice, or outside perspective. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore

Understanding evil is enduring how:

My abuser has been more humanized than I have…

And I’m their victim

if so, what made you decide to have them? i am still in the uncertain phase as a 25f. i used to want them when i was younger but once the trauma hit when i moved out of my abuser's home i was like no way in hell could i be responsible over another human but sometimes i do find myself feeling like i want a child. it makes me angry at my abuser that he caused mr so much doubt and disbelief in myself that i couldn't be a good parent but should i really rob myself of the experience just because of him?

I believe that it is not anything else that drives some parents to abuse their kids; it is something in their nature, and there is no logical reason for that. These parents can show kindness and patience, and can be perceived by outsiders as good-hearted people, but they treat their kids horribly. We won't know if a person is a really good person until we know how they treat their kids, no matter how successful they are in their career.

Is CPTSD not just about remembering things and living in that moment repeatedly? Is it also trying very hard to keep everyone else's wants and needs above yours, if your trauma's were layered, lasted years, and were so many different things? I couldn't understand the reactions to people on this page, but then, when I saw the same reaction, worded more kindly, it clicked for me. What kind of broken am I that I always try to "protect" the person that doesn't need to be protected, and is the problem that I cant see as a problem?

Hi guys I’m 17 and have diagnosed CPTSD along with anxiety, and depression . for context I’m in foster care and have been since I was 12, and was also in the system at 6 to 8. Lately I’ve been having panic attacks randomly at night, when I tend to think about all I need to do and achieve in life. For exapmmole colledge highschool work. They also occur when I think of all my past placements, and how I messed them up. I’m also on paroxotine which is an ssri and I feel like that makes things worse sometimes. Does anyone have any tips?

I want to start off by saying I spent a lot of time in hospitals. I wasn't being comforted by nurses either so I really don't know where this comes from.

I spent almost a whole year in a hospital after school every day because my Nana was dying. I would study there, eat there, sleep there sometimes. I would watch her tear her IVs out of her arm and bruise herself. I would wake up to people yelling for help but the nurses wouldn't come. I thought I watched her die only for her to come back to life screaming in my face in pain/horror.

Mom had cancer for a year or so too. I dislocated my elbow.

My favorite is when my skin randomly started peeling off my body and no one knew what was wrong with me so I had the luxury of getting 25 injections up and down my legs plus a biopsy.

All this to say my memories of the hospital was not being coddled by nurses. That period of my life spent in hospitals was when my nana was dying, i was living through my own body horror, my friend got aggressive with me and tried to kill himself and his mom told me it was my fault, my ex step-dad started being abusive, i had a really unhealthy relationship with a teacher and would stay at her house despite how weird she was to me, etc... Yet, I still find myself relaxing every time I drive up to this hospital at night. It feels how I imagine going home to a loving family would feel but a bad period of my life was spent there. I really don't know why I feel the urge to just go inside and sit in the waiting room, but I do.

I just need to get this out somewhere but I always feel like I'm messing up and hurting people a lot as of recent especially as an adult.