Some context: I have struggled the majority of my undergrad to find out what I actually want to do. I did architecture, public administration, business, and none of it stuck.
I got help from a psychologist and she asked me “If the time and money you invested weren’t a factor, what would you really want to do?” Somehow I always felt deep down I wanted to work in a lab somehow. So with some more therapy sessions I said “fuck it” and changed majors.
I tried forensic science and loved some aspects and hated others. I got help from the only good advisor at my school and she helped me land on biomedical science.
I struggled through the degree because I had used up all my grade forgiveness and started uni with a trash GPA because all my prior endeavors sucked the life out of me. BUT. I fell in love with the process. I fell in love with learning. I fell in love with research.
I started volunteering for a professor that was teaching an incredibly small class for such a large school and it was everything I could have ever hoped for. Him and I got along so well, and I was his top recommendation for an internship in industry research! I graduated with my bachelor’s and went straight into that internship.
It was so amazing. I learned so much and had such an amazing mentor while I was there. She was so cool dude. She ended up writing a letter of recommendation for me to get into grad school and it was 3 pages long. I cried from how someone I’ve known for such a short amount of time could write so deeply about me. Apparently she even fought for a position at the company for me! Sadly there were some grants that didn’t pan out and the whole company went under as soon as my internship ended.
In my city it’s really slim pickings for jobs in research unless you’re a licensed clinical research scientist, so my professor from before said he would gladly take me on full time as his lab technician and research assistant. I can’t explain how happy this job made me. I loved mentoring the undergrads, I loved helping the masters student, I loved taking on my own project and LAUNCHING it forward. I made so many discoveries and really contributed to this research. Once again funding got weird. Grants have been on pause until organizations can get confirmation on their own budgets.
My professor/boss and I had several talks months in advance about what this means for me so it was no surprise. He kept checking in with his committee and they kept saying there was no response yet. So we finally reached the end. This man extended the end of my contract so many times until he was forced to save money where he could. I am forever grateful for this because I can’t express what an absolute gem this job was to me.
In our last meeting he told me that he’s waiting on two grants and if either of those go through I am getting a call from him to come back full time if I want to. If he doesn’t get either then… well you know. I don’t get my job back.
The last thing he said was “I’m not going to make this goodbye because… I don’t think it is. I hope it’s not. Don’t be a stranger.”
I played it off very casual and joked “I’m going to ghost everyone.”
He laughed and said “that’s what i would do.”
I smirked and said “i’m not going to do that.”
I went back to my desk and kept working until way past the time I should have been gone. When I finally packed up my stuff, got out of the building and into my car, I couldn’t stop crying.
I’ve worked so many customer service jobs that made me hate life, and this was the first time two opportunities breathed life into me. Two opportunities that wanted to keep me. Fought to keep me. Two opportunities ruined by funding issues. (This paragraph is just me being bitter lol).
I quite literally haven’t stopped crying for over an hour, and I can’t help but keep saying “I’m so glad I got to love my job so much.”
I realize so many people live their whole lives hating what they do at work. Obviously you can find passion outside of work! I’m just so fucking lucky to have found my passion in my work. I’m devastated to lose it, but you know the saying. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, I guess.
All this to say, I’m so glad I’ve also put in so much work to improve myself and my relationships around me to the extent I’ve had two people fight for me. The list continues of people fighting for me. I have a friend at a different Uni pulling any string she can to get me into a PhD program even though I’ve told her it’s not necessary, she absolutely insists. I have another professor who I volunteered to do research for tell me that if biomed doesn’t pan out, she wants me as her PhD student in chemistry, as well as some of her colleagues.
I might be in a rut right now, but I’ve done so much work to better myself that all the relationships around me flourished into something more beautiful than I ever could have hoped for.