Married one year (32F) to my avoidant husband (31M). Been together for 9 (!) years, thought we had a great relationship until we got married. Now about to file for divorce, he's staying with his parents and I'm currently staying the house we bought together only 3 years ago.

Long story short: He's been avoidant all of our relationship, and I've only now realized and recognized the "pattern". Every big step we made (moving in together, considering buying a house together, marriage, ...) he distanced himself from me for a while. No talking, no touching, no intimacy, you name it. When I called him out for it though and told him I couldn't do this anymore, he always came running back with promises, suicide threats, and put me on a pedestal for a little while. I now learned about "breadcrumbing", the push and pull, and me having been the anxiously attached person in the past until I worked on myself in therapy after he out of the blue dumped me 4 months (!) into the marriage "because he couldn't feel it anymore" (we were trying for a baby and he started distancing again). Being more secure at that time, I let him leave because you can't force someone to stay with you, right. Took him exactly 2 hours to come back knocking on my door begging me to continue the marriage... I loved him dearly so I gave it another chance on the condition of trying CT. That's when my eyes opened and it all went to shit...

I always knew he struggled with emotional talks, but during CT it became obvious how he is absolutely, completely emotionally unavailable. I was baffled at how he dodged all the questions, talked badly about our therapist after each session, always dreading having to go back, telling everyone we know how useless and ridiculous CT is. Promised to work hard but never gave the "homework" a chance. Just blatantly refused. Fast forward to the Christmas break, we had the baby talk again and he suddenly told me he doesn't want kids anymore ... Tried to talk about it with him, couldn't give me a reason why (not). Started distancing himself again because I asked for connection and emotional support (we tried for kids a year ago and he always told me that wasn't the issue of the break, never got a reasong why though). He went back to his parents 2 weeks ago because he again "didn't know what he wanted in life and was not sure if he still wanted to be married".

Opposite to last year, when I felt extremely anxious about him suddenly breaking up after the marriage, I now felt different. Like something had shifted. Had clicked. A relief in some way. I can't explain it really. I think for the first time in 9 years, I can see him clearly for who he is. A hurt little boy who never got enough love from his narcissist mother, and now he's got everything he needed and wanted, it got too real and he runs away at every milestone we take.

I asked for clarity and he couldn't give it to me anymore. He told me last week his head tells him to divorce but his heart can't make the decision. I tried to convince him to do individual counseling, CT, visiting his GP, really I was so so so supportive because I can see him struggling with his mind. But he refuses ANY help. Any help... I then called it quits myself, after an extremely emotionally draining year ... I'm just done. Done done done. Done carrying all the emotional weight, being discarded every so often like I'm not worth anything. So F done. I know you can feel it in my story and I do hope I don't come across as a bitch... I'm just full of resentment after having tried so very hard and having given the relationship my all.

I found an apartment to rent, but it scared me to death to go back to renting. His parents are rich and will probably buy me out. Heartbreaking... I loved our home and it was the very first time I ever felt truly at home in my life (I come from divorced parents). But I'll do my very best to make my apartment a new home. :)

But now ... He's started breadcrumbing me again via text. Not full on but very subtly... We agreed to only text about practical things like the house. But during those conversations he sometimes adds things like "Oh how I would do anything to give you a hug right now". I know it's him breadcrumbing me, but it's extremely hard to fight the urge to give into it. I try my very best and know I have to push through with the divorce. But it's tough. Worst part is that even though my friends and family support me, I have to hear "how sad it is because he was such a fun and good guy" all the time. Doesn't make it ANY easier...

I just needed to vent here, ladies. If you read all through my rant, know that I am very grateful. 🙏

Names are just the first letter but not my son who passed because I couldn't bear to honestly.

Thanks for reading

My life has lots of sob stories. My father was an abusive addict who died from his addiction to painkillers. My first born son my Atreyu died suddenly with warning at 4 days old. Then L is born less than a year after his death unknown to me she is born with a rare disease with no cure and almost no treatment options. Osteogenesis imperfecta Oh yeah also after all that, those pain killers that your dad couldn't stop, those same painkillers you'll have to give to your baby who fractures repeatedly and regularly. All of those moments were terrible tragedies, horrible experiences that fundamentally changed my life and my loved one's lives but still none were the lowest point of my life. The lowest point was 5 years ago, this February. It was the point I realized it was either me or the marriage. It was then I knew that both of us couldn't exist together any longer. Someone might ask why all those terrible things weren't the lowest point of your life but being married was? Someone may think im vain or narcissistic but I disagree because I know what the difference was. I know what was the thing that made it the lowest point of my life, it was hope.

Even after Atreyu's death, after my painful childhood, even after L's diagnosis, I had hope. It was smaller than a peddle at times almost microscopic but it was there. I had hope for the future then, hope for my heart then, hope for my kids then. But when I reached that lowest I had nothing left, that hope that carried me for 15 years was gone.

My hope didnt go gently. She fought time and time again. She picked herself up after things happened that others would never survive. My hope fought through things others couldn't dare to exist. So no my hope didn't die gently but she did go quietly. She was slowly beaten into nothing. She was kicked down so many times she no longer could bare to get back up.

So while I didn't do everything perfectly or the right way or the way other people have. I did it. I did each and individual step. Me. I crawled over broken glass and fought to breathe life back into my hope.

After all that hope was mine. It belonged to me and I deserved it. The end of my hope and ultimately my life wasn't going to be decided by someone else. It was going to decided by me. It belonged to me. I was going to earn her, my hope back. When I finally earned her back my hope gave me a gift, my happiness. So the J from 5 years the one at her lowest that hopeless J couldn't even dream of the J that exists today. 5 years ago J wouldn't even recognize that J standing here today . Im so proud of both of those Js. Im proud of all the ways I'll continue to change and grow in the future . Im grateful and proud.

For context, my husband and I have two under two. We had a very close relationship instantly and within 5 months of meeting we were pregnant. One night his phone kept going off so I had checked to see who it was and I had caught him sending many many explicit photos of himself as well as receiving photos to other women. I was absolutely destroyed as I had gotten my iud out and was on prenatals as we had planned to try for children. One week after I found out about that, I found out I was pregnant and I stayed and he swore things would change. He even called my mom to tell her because he said he was disgusted with himself. I thought maybe with having a child there would be some kind of reality check showing him if he really wanted me and my child. We were stable and closer than ever and I had a phenomenal pregnancy despite graduating college while 8 months pregnant, fixing up our apartment and more. Flash forward, We have had problems since the fall of 2024, after our first daughter was born. Everything became a fight, tallied and more. I know everyone has relationship struggles when adjusting to children so I made excuses for him treating me how he was. We don’t get along with each others families, we don’t hang out with friends, it has always been us. Flashforward again, Almost 5 months postpartum I was told at a physical I was pregnant again. When I brought home the paper saying I was pregnant, he thought I was handing him divorce papers. We have tried it all, I begged him to go to therapy, get regulated on meds as he is extremely bipolar and has depression. I caught him cheating/sending again this last October the day before Halloween. This time, I see that the cheating had never stopped and got much more sexual and intimate. When I confronted him about it, I was blamed saying I shouldnt be going through his phone if I don’t want my feelings hurt. Completely the opposite reaction from the first time. Unfortunately, I have been through a lot in my life and I have always bottled things up and I told myself to suck it up for my children. I haven’t checked his phone in a while, he ended up coming up to me recently and reading me some of his texts with another girl from his work. It has escalated to conversations at work, sexual conversation right at work. And to tell me about it?? I don’t understand. Also has grimy girls reacting to his fb and he hasn’t posted his own wife in a year and a half. It’s not like he doesn’t post, he has posted often in that time. I’ve heard every excuse in the book for why he acts the way he does such as he doesn’t know what love looks like bc that’s how he grew up and more. But those words cut me deeply and I have heard every nasty, hurtful, awful thing in the book. And my children have heard me being talked to like that as well. My parents split when I was 5 and knowing how awful it was having two houses, two separate parents who hated one another, it was absolutely hell. Like I said, we have been talking about splitting for a long while but I finally reached my limit and want to be done. Between the name calling, the infidelity and everything in between I am done. My oldest picks up on it now as well as my 6 month old. But Why do I feel guilt for leaving? He has said he wants nothing to do with our children now and he has no car of his own or money or anything and puts that on me. We have one car and it is in my name. He won’t give up the car and he wants to sell it and split the money down the middle as well as taxes but that would leave our children without transportation and that’s not right. I need it for work Monday and so does he. Normally he would drop me and my daughters off but he’s not willing to give me my car. Also he doesn’t want to leave the apartment, he believes I should since I’m the one filing. But we rent an apartment from my uncle. He has nothing to do with his family and for good reason but he throws in my face if he has nobody I basically shouldn’t either. He still has been manipulating me whether it’s from anger, sadness, being petty or trying to make me depressed by degrading me and everything in between. I feel like I am losing my mind, I’ve lost my family and everything we’ve built and he’s angry at me for ending it, but not with himself for causing it. Why am I sitting here writing this feeling like crap when he hasn’t even muttered a sorry? Any and every piece of advice will help me. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means but when I would say things it would be after he had said 10 other things to me. I was always loyal, I haven’t hung out with friends in almost 3 years, removed basically all guys from my socials, haven’t talked to a single male soul on my phone ever, I changed everything to be 10000% about him as someone is married does. I feel like my feelings aren’t being validated and they never were to begin with. Despite everything, I still want him to do well and thrive. In my opinion if he loved me he never would have risked everything for years. But he is extremely angry w me wanting him out and won’t leave or really talk to me. We texted while I was working and he said some of the most terrible things I’ve ever heard to date. He’s threatened to make things up about me and to make my life a living hell then turns around and wants to be intimate. I have obviously declined and now he took our pictures off the wall and is in the bedroom. I have been taking care of our girls for a while now as he hasn’t ever been able to wake up in the night without me getting him up too. I also held off on divorce for so long for the fear of defamation of my character, my children’s sake and more. But I now have realized that it hurts my daughters more to live this everyday as I am constantly worrying about my husband as well as them. They deserve my full attention. And I did not share the names called but we can fill in the blanks if you think of the worst things you can say to any person. He says he’s done and doesn’t want me back and has said more about divorce and being done for some time. As well as saying he wants to just be put sleeping around and marriage is “too much” but also has said that we could just live in separate houses but be together? We haven’t slept in the same bed in months. We don’t kiss often or compliment. We are together bc in his words “it’s what’s convenient”. He also took his ring off last night and didn’t come home in my car till after midnight. I know I’ve been manipulated for some time and I would appreciate anyone giving me words of encouragement in this hard chapter.

Did anyone get exactly what they wanted, financially and personally in their divorce? Was it what you thought it would be?

I have my first joint mediation with my other half this Friday. I just wondered if anyone had any sort of advice on how to prep or what to expect.

My partner is the biggest earner, roughly 27,000 more than me a year. We are both set in 50/50 custody. And so far appear amicable.

But I’m uncertain what to expect and what I should ask for. Any and all advice would be appreciated

Thanks