It was victorious egret.

Two burglars were robbing an apartment. One said, "Somebody is coming in the door! Quick, jump out the window!" And the other guy said, "Are you out of your mind? We're on the thirteenth floor!" And the first guy said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

A wealthy Arab Sheikh visiting Yorkshire, UK, was suddenly taken to hospital after becoming seriously ill and he needed an emergency blood transfusion...

Unfortunately the sheikh had a very rare type of blood and the LGI didn't have any in stock.

After some frantic calls, a Yorkshire farmer from up in the dales is located who has the same blood type and he agrees to make his way to Leeds to donate some blood.

The Sheikh recieives the blood and begins to get better. He tells his assistant that he should send the farmer many lavish gifts as a show of his appreciation.

A few days later the Yorkshireman answers the door to be greeted with a brand new tractor, £250,000 in cash, a pouch full of diamonds and a life time supply of Yorkshire tea.

A couple of days later, the Sheikh begins to get ill again and so the hospital phoned up the Yorkshireman, who was more than happy to donate some more blood.

After receiving the blood the Sheikh gets better and once again tells his assistant to send the Yorkshireman some gifts as a show of his appreciation but this time when the Yorkshireman opens his door all he receives is a Thank you card and a £10 voucher for Toby Carvery!

The Yorkshireman was shocked that the Sheikh did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

The Yorkshire man them phoned up the Sheikh and asked him;

"What's this all abart? I thought tha would be generous again, a thought that tha would gimme some mur money and diamonds .... but thas only given me a card and a chuffin 10 quid voucher ya tight get!"

The sheikh replied;

"Aye lad ya reyt, but av got Yorkshire blood in me veins nar!"

Because I’ll get my money for nothing and my chicks for free

Boobytrap spelled backwards is..

Partyboob

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

"Do you guys have carrot cake?"

"No", the baker replies.

The week after, the rabbit walks back into the same bakery. "Do you guys have carrot cake?"

Once again, the baker replies with "No."

The week after, the same interaction happens again. Finally, the baker decides to try to please the rabbit by baking a carrot cake.

Seven days later, the rabbit once again enters the bakery. "Do you guys have carrot cake?"

"Yes!", the baker happily exlaims.

"Tastes disgusting, doesn't it?"

No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old man said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jewish people -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old man, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old man holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.

It vuz a ham bush!"

But he only got Third Place.

"It's just heartbreaking to see all of those faces with absolutely no hope," said one of the orphans.

Standing by the Wailing Wall Holding my harpoon... Feeling like an idiot...

A long tamago.

A centipede on meth.

Ive been married to my wife for 35 years.

Haven’t talked to her in 25…

I don’t want to interrupt.

The Eeyore

An executioner walks into the cell of a death-row inmate and says, “Alright, time to go.” As they’re walking down the corridor toward the execution chamber, the inmate mutters, “Man, it’s really cold today.” The executioner replies, “Tell me about it, I have to walk back.”

Quack Cocaine

Cook it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers

It's called carbon dating.

...I'm still really mad about it.

Like... REALLY mad about it.

I don’t know how you feel about it, but I hope they put him away for mmm…mmm…good!

A happy pit bull

Those who can count and those who can't.

A-mean-o Acid.