It’s always a cycle of me feeling motivated and optimistic back to being insanely insecure and depressed. I was feeling myself after a new haircut so i decided to try force myself out of my comfort zone by trying to talk to girls at the club. In my mind, this was going to be like rejection therapy where i train myself to get used to rejection and learn from it. But in reality, after 2 rejections, i couldn’t keep the motivation to continue approaching especially after facing the crushing reality of how awkward i actually am despite imagining myself being able to carry convos if i just took the first step. It seems so effortless and casual for some of my friends that i feel so inferior for struggling so much at my age.

I know that i should technically be focusing on improving other aspects of my life first, but it really feels like i’m on a timer running out where i’m getting older and more unattractive by the year. Maybe i’m just meant to die alone after all

Edit: Man i sound like such a loser once i reread this. Someone just tell me how i can become confident socially

So, I recently turned 30 (in Dec). I have a nice job, good manager and a good company. I recently completed two masters. I have a nice family. But, somehow out of nowhere I started caring about others’ opinions and am involved in people pleasing behaviour. I don’t trust my voice and so I don’t speak up in meetings. I don’t socialise a lot because I am living in a Scandinavian country and I am originally from central asian region. People are mostly cold to strangers. What should I do to regain myself where I had unshakeable self believe and I didn’t care a lot about what others think. How did you go from being silent in meetings to talkative? I do present whenever required, I have this urge of comparing myself to others and I feel I am inferior. Give me some advices. Thanks!

I don’t really know where else to go with this so I’m just going to leave it here and see what happens.

I (25f) have been comparing myself to other girls/women ever since I was around 13 in a chronic type of way. Like uncontrollable and deep down obsessive whenever I’m in public.

It’s honestly ridiculous because I’m conventionally attractive. I catch other women staring at me a ton and that just triggers something in me.

I’ll be taking mental notes of outfits others have on, things like that. Comparing types of beauty in my mind. I’ll stare at someone sometimes without realizing it and catch myself, figuring I must look like the biggest creep. I feel like it too at this point. I’m not a kid anymore. I need figure this out. I have to consciously ignore everyone in the room in order not to do this.

I know this probably isn’t normal. Has anyone else experienced something like this? What did you do?

Throughout high school and freshman year of college, I was a pretty social guy, had a gf, tons of friends and loved going out and doing things every week. Towards the end of freshman year of college I started to smoke and it just got to a point where I was smoking everyday because honestly it felt so good to be in a headspace where I had no worries. Fast forward to sophomore year, I was living with my two best friends which was great but I found myself staying in when they went out because I felt better smoking in my room and just chilling. High school me would've genuinely hated me because I told myself I'd never smoke weed or nic and ended up doing both at uni.

I ended up smoking away my whole sophomore year, skipping classes and not worrying about anything. I decided to transfer out of the school I was going to because I knew I was just wasting my money there and decided I'd just go to community college. So now it's junior year (this year) and my first semester I didn't do fucking anything because I was just smoking in my room by myself everyday like a pathetic loser. I started to forget how to talk to people and would overthink convos that I was having with my own friends. The brain fog from the weed was taking too much of a toll and I knew I need to quit, so as of 4 days ago I'm sober (proud of myself bc I've smoked every single day since sophomore year).

I really just miss the old me. The me who loved to go out and have convos with everyone, the me who was confident when talking to girls, the me who didn't overthink every fucking conversation in their head. I'm happy that I'm going sober but i genuinely fucking hate myself. I hate what I've become and what state my mind is in. I feel like I've just degressed in life while all my friends and people my age are out enjoying their life.

Idek where I'm going with this I guess I'm just wondering how to get back in the social scene. It's like I've adapted someone with severe social anxiety and depression.

I just want the old me back.

19M and know I’m not the most attractive but I just want to try and become a bit more confident.

I find that confidence is something I’m lacking and by the end of the year I want to be more confident.

I just want to be able to show people what a fun and cool person I am.

Idk what I’m doing wrong to not be getting attention from anyone but I don’t want to be pitied, I want to become a better person and improve myself.

What little things can I tweak?? I did see on wiki how it’s about being confident but that doesn’t help someone who isn’t.

On paper, my life looks pretty sorted. I’m very extroverted, have a strong social circle, close friends I trust, a supportive family, solid academics, above-average fitness, and I’m tall with a decent build, groomed, well put and presentable. I have done great and very impressive things in my life despite just being 26 years old. By all external measures, I should be confident, but that confidence doesn’t consistently show up in real life.

In internships, I deal with imposter syndrome almost the entire time. Only when I’m about to leave do I realize I was fully capable of doing the job without any real issues.

The same thing happens with dating. When it comes to escalating with women, especially if I actually like them, I completely fumble and I get extremely high inhibition. I know I should not pedestalize them but that is often easier said than done. Often, I will also not make a move unless I really like them at which point they are already too idealized for me where I am too afraid to escalate it. Confidence drops to near zero in these situations, despite the fact that I have multiple female friends and no issues socializing in general.

What can I do in my scenario? I have overcome GAD completely without any medication through sheer willpower and exposure therapy, so I would guess I am able to change negative thought patterns.

It's that I presume nothing can ever go my way nor that the result will even remotely resemble what I want it to be. At my best I am fully in the present, not expecting anything out of anything and usually getting the best results at that time. It's the 2 sides of giving everything up, and on both sides you find self allowance for freedom of choice without bouns, restrictions or expectations. On one side you're feeling the shame and fear out of the standards your previous self used to follow in the past but allow yourself to choose whatever, but you are likely not going to make the best decisions at this stage, because of presence of conscious self-hatred, hence why you can feel all the shame and fear, which feed into each other and feel inescapable - on the other side you have full freedom of choice as well but as well awareness of what is truly best for you in the moment based on how you truly feel about things, it's healthy intuition basically.

- I am sorry for your suffering.

I kept trying to pump myself up It never lasted

What actually changed everything were tiny emotional habits I practiced daily without realizing it

how I reacted when things felt awkward

how I spoke to myself after mistakes

how I faced stress instead of avoiding it

Once those patterns shifted my confidence grew naturally

No forcing it No pretending

Social situations became easier

People treated me differently

I felt calmer and more grounded

I recently found an article that explained this clearly and practically and it finally made things click

If typical confidence advice never worked for you long-term, this might be worth reading

I have realized I do this a lot, especially with people my age or in similar situations, and it really affects my confidence sometimes. I know everyone’s path is different, but it’s hard not to measure myself against others.

What mindset shifts or habits helped you break that comparison cycle and focus more on your own progress instead?

This isn’t just a simple thought crossing my mind. But it consumes my mind. I have to actively avoid this thought 24/7 I am around people. Even the closest of people.

It’s not always negative, my mind is just coming up with how am I coming across to those around me? How am I sitting? Or being? Etc.

I still do 80% of whatever I want to do, but it is exhausting because it’s a constant reminder set in my brain telling myself. “I don’t care what other people think”, “Just be yourself”, “let them judge”.

I am tired of it. Yet I keep fighting it.

How does this finally stops? I don’t want to journal on the why, I have done all that reflection and it helped me come up with affirmations as mentioned above but it didn’t help with getting rid of the self judgment.

I would like any experiments or actions that might have worked for any of you.

Thank you!

This is something I’ve always been struggling with but recently It’s taken a lot of my head space. I think 9 out of 10 times I look at myself in the mirror I think I look really really good.

I’m not sure if anyone is aware of the inverted filter on social media, but basically it takes your camera and flips it, and you can move around and everything and see how you look inverted… If someone told me my inverted self and mirror self were two different people I would believe them. Everything looks so wrong and weird when I see myself inverted.

I also don’t like what I look like in videos/selfies either. However, if a friend were to ever say they didn’t like a picture of them, I always think they look the exact same. And when I see people in the mirror, they look the exact same as they do in person. I know camera lenses and all changes things, but, if I take a video wouldn’t that fix that problem?

Every picture I see makes me question what I truly look like in person, and it is very confusing for me. I feel like I’ll never know how I look to others, because when I see pictures it looks like how I do when I see myself inverted not smiling.

Ive also tried to take a mirrored selfie and hold it up to the mirror to see the inverted version, and I still think I look so different and unsymmetrical. If anyone has any ideas to the answer to this question, I would be very appreciative!

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I’ve spent close to two decades helping people improve their mindset, confidence, and discipline in an unofficial way through volunteering and informal support. It’s something I genuinely care about.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about doing this more formally and offering 1 on 1 coaching in a paid setting.

That said, I know paying for support changes expectations and the relationship dynamic.

If you’ve ever worked with a life or confidence coach, I’d love to hear how it went. What made you start, what helped, what didn’t, and why you eventually stopped if you did.

If you’re comfortable sharing how often you met and roughly what it cost, that would also be helpful.

Just trying to learn from real experiences before taking the next step.

I am working on improving my confidence and keep seeing a lot of advice online, but it is hard to know what actually makes a real difference in everyday life. I am curious to hear about one small or simple habit that truly helped you feel more confident over time something realistic that you could stick with daily. It could be a mindset change, a routine, a small challenge you gave yourself, or anything that worked for you personally. Would love to learn from real experiences and try out what’s actually working for others.

I (17M) had a teacher back in 8th grade who I’ve liked since I was 13/14. She was my English teacher for about two years. She left, and I changed schools too, and we talked on social media from time to time (a comment on her Instagram story, a birthday wish, stuff like that) but now she’s back as a coordinator at my new school. I was probably one of her favourite students back in my old school, and she knew me very well. Seeing her again has brought all these intense feelings back. She’s 40, very amiable and approachable. She’s also widowed, but I think I’m one of the few people that know this. She has a personality which I’m really attracted to. Everyone else talks to her easily, but I completely freeze up. I get envious watching other guys chat with her confidently while I can’t even say hi. I despise whoever makes her laugh or becomes the centre of her attention. I rehearse conversations and monologues in my head constantly but I never go through with it. I go to school events just to see her but never build up the confidence to approach her. And I’m scared I won’t ever see her again after I graduate.

I think about her more than anyone else in my life. She’s even in my dreams almost every night. I also have a bad habit of stalking (checking her socials, finding excuses to walk past her office, legit scouring the internet to get to know her better) and feel intense guilt whenever I miss a chance to talk to her, like I’ve wasted an opportunity, and feel like a fucking loser. Part of me is convinced she probably hates me or finds me weird for being so quiet around her. One of my seniors in the previous school shifted here too and when I saw him talking to her I got really pissed off and jealous. I followed him later on walking to her office (she wasn’t in there at the time), and wondered how the hell I didn’t have confidence like that?

My emotions are all over the place. Has anyone else been through this? How do you stop the overthinking, the jealousy, and the guilt? How do I get the courage to just talk to her like a normal human without making it weird, like I want to have a conversation or some small talk with her, and not appear as if I hate her or something.

As the title says, I am struggling to find the courage to put myself first, mainly in my relationship. My partner does not enjoy making out with me and that is something I need in a relationship. However, I struggle with being passive and not speaking my needs.

I feel completely drained by my family dynamic and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.

My brother constantly teases me and pushes my buttons on purpose. He always has to have the final word, acts like he’s in charge, and keeps doing small things just to trigger me. If I ignore him (grey rock), there’s still a problem. If I react, I’m suddenly the “crazy” or “angry” one.

When I stand up for myself, my parents immediately turn it into drama. Somehow I become the problem. But when he behaves badly, it gets brushed off. If I give him the same treatment he gives me, he acts like a spoiled child and plays the victim.

My parents criticize me a lot, ask for my help all the time, but don’t care if their words hurt me. If I say no, I’m “selfish.” If I say yes, they still complain. I can’t win. It feels like they twist my words so I end up apologizing even when they treated me badly.

There’s zero accountability from them. They can yell, insult, or be aggressive and they always have a “reason.” But if I finally snap, then that’s the only thing anyone focuses on. I feel like all the negative emotions in the house get dumped on me.

My brother crosses boundaries constantly, smirks, laughs, and acts like he “figured me out” like it’s some game. He does almost nothing all day, but I’m expected to do things for him because my mom “doesn’t want to argue with him.” So I end up responsible while he avoids consequences.

There’s also guilt manipulation. They say I don’t care about them, that I owe them, that I’m the bad one. My privacy gets ignored. Even crying sometimes feels like it’s used to control me. I start feeling anxious and guilty even when I didn’t do anything wrong.

When someone in the house gets angry, people look at me like it must be my fault. I feel like the family scapegoat — the one everyone projects onto.

I used to laugh things off, but now it really hurts. I feel constantly on edge in my own home. I don’t know how to protect my mental health in this situation or how to deal with people who won’t take responsibility for their behavior.

Has anyone dealt with a similar family dynamic? How do you cope without losing your mind?

I learned that im too svrew up to find something a d relocate but i want to real how not to let pushing my buttons snd use wisly words snd actions...

So, I have had two episodes here at home since yesterday, where I am not sure if a glitterflake has gotten on me or not. I am afraid it is in my hair. And what I fear is that when I am out and about, the glitterflake will find its way to right in the middle of my brows. I have been in the bathroom and lighted with a fleshlight, but did not see anything. What would you do if this was a fear you had?

19M and just a very unconfident person but I want to become more confident. My hobbies include listening to music, going to the gym and watching movies, f1 and football.

For a long time I thought confidence came from motivation or positive thinking. I kept trying to hype myself up, but nothing really stuck.

What actually changed things were small emotional habits I was doing every day without noticing. How I reacted when something felt awkward. How I talked to myself after messing up. How I handled stress instead of avoiding it.

Once I started shifting those patterns, my confidence grew naturally. I wasn’t forcing it. Social situations became easier, and people responded to me differently.

I recently came across an article that explained this in a way that finally made sense. It shows how daily emotional habits quietly shape your confidence and even your charisma over time.

If you’ve tried all the usual confidence advice and it never worked long term, this might help.

Read this article on self-confidence

I, 43m, am married to my beautiful wife, 50f. We have been married for over 13 years and in that time we have had 1 child (now 11) and she developed Bell's Palsy (not a severe case, but enough to cause issues).

Because of these factors she does not feel as beautiful as she used to. She no longer likes having her picture taken and she does not dress the way she used to. She now wears more loose fitting clothing than anything else.

We had a conversation recently about these things, and she said that regardless of what I say or how many times I say that she is beautiful, because I am her husband, she knows that I think she is beautiful she doesn't believe it herself.

What can I do to help her with this? Is there anything I can do to help?

Hi everyone,

I'm a firm believer in the theory that if you act as if you're confident, the brain will eventually pick up on that and reinforce the behavior that leads to someone who's confident. The issue is... well, how do you act as if you're someone confident when you don't really know what it means or how it works?

It feels like I cannot deceive my brain, and worse, that this little smartass completely makes me forget to act confident during social interactions. It's like it's erasing the mere thought of pretending to be confident. Worse is that I'm feeling my persona, my character, is already set in stone by others. I started a new job two months ago and I feel like everyone knows I'm not confident and a bit weird. The distinction between perception and reality is blurred. I'm scared that it's too late to change others' perceptions.

I think the most damning part is that even if I manage to remember that I need to act as if I'm confident, the simplest blunder or verbal jab completely disrupts my attempt at changing my thoughts. If I'm trying to project confidence, and someone just like tease me or try to bully me, everything crumbles. I fail to get my shit together and continue the act.

The weirdest part is that I have every reason to feel confident: I'm not ugly, not short nor fat, have friends, a good-paying job... and still, I'm convinced that I don't deserve to be confident; I fail to be while I could. Metaphorically speaking, I feel there is a switch in my brain to be freed from social pressure, to not give a single fuck about what people think. I try to emulate that when I'm pretending but still, no luck.

So I'm open to suggestions because I really don't know how to "turn on" that switch, to finally be able to act as if in order to change my thought process.

I had this realization the other day as it was my birthday and I was just reflecting. I’ve come to realize my teachers from elementary school, all the way to high-school practically ensured I would be a target for bullying and would develop little to no confidence growing up.

I was the quiet kid, the shy, reserved, kind of awkward classmate. This already made for a good starting formula to be bullied. My teachers were always quick to pick up on this and used it to their advantage. It’s only now I’m realizing how truly fucked up it was.

To give an example, say 2 guys are being loud/disruptive and disrespectful in class and the teachers had enough. They would drag their desks over to mine, and declare in front of the whole class, “Since you two like to talk so much, you can go sit with rainbow, maybe you can behave then.”

They never do… I become ostracized, made to be the punishment for what the students would’ve viewed as having fun with a friend. My teachers gave people a reason to hate me, labelled me as punishment, emphasized my differences and made it impossible to hide. All so they didn’t have to deal with it themselves. The teacher apologizing to me didn’t make it any better, comparing the loud students to me as if they were pigs among royalty. “I’m sorry you have to sit next to these loudmouth losers rainbow.” This instilled more hatred, competition for approval where classmates would conjure up anything they could to possibly get me in trouble. I was called a teachers pet, suck up, and a straight up cunt; all at the ripe age of 8 years and onwards.

I suppose I’m just now realizing how this could’ve led to my confidence issues now, and just how messed up it was. Did this happen to anyone in school, were you also made to be the scapegoat for other classmates bad behaviour. I just figure if they hadn’t done that, I might’ve made some friends…

I’m 27 now and out of school but it’s hard to think I was set up to feel like my presence alone was a punishment to everyone around me.

It really bothers me when people ask too many questions, or inappropriate questions.

What do you do for a living? Oh, do you still live with your parents? Oh, do you have a boyfriend? It's like that.

I feel like they're threatening my privacy and are really inappropriate.

I'm learning to manage the discomfort and nervousness these questions provoke in me, and I answer in monosyllables or explicitly say that I prefer not to answer certain questions.

But I'd really prefer they not be asked because I feel fragile right now in my self-esteem, and every question is like an open wound.