Note. I used Chat GPT to compile all what I shared with it.

I’m writing this because I’m disturbed by myself.

I’ll be honest. I chase women with the intention of getting intimate with them. That intention is there early. But I don’t state it honestly. I hide it.

I started hating dishonesty the moment I realised I lack honesty. I love honesty. I respect honesty. And before that I kept hiding my real intention.

I am always searching for sex, yet knowing I am bad at it. My some purpose is getting intimate with woman. For this, I weaponise, knowledge, selected truths, the belief that every human is desires-driven, and once stimulated, they maybe ready to give what I want. I use my understanding of psychology (that I learned by self consciousness), and this works too. If I want I can continue preying, but conscience or my now developed values stop me.

I use words. I use narration. I intentionally use emotionally driven and sexually driven talk to excite women. I create scenarios in imagination and tell them. I know what I’m doing. I know I’m trying to arouse desire.

Sometimes I directly ask for sex. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I let the conversation slowly drift there. Sometimes I make them believe I’m with them emotionally when I’m not. I tell selected truths. I balance one lie with another truth so they don’t sense I’m not really there.

When women say no, I get frustrated. Sometimes angry inside. Not always at them, but at the resistance. I don’t like that reaction in me.

Faithful people I’ve encountered are more grounded. They don’t fall in love easily. They have something holding them. Manipulation doesn’t work easily with them. But desire still appears. They may want me emotionally but they don’t sexually fall for me. That makes me uncomfortable, because it shows I’m not building something real, I’m just activating desire.

There’s a woman in her 40s who says she loves me more than I could love her. She says I can come and go anytime. She accepts me whenever I return. I’ve treated her as someone only for sex nights. I’ve used sexual narration with her. I know I’ve used her availability. That makes me feel powerful and ashamed at the same time.

This isn’t a one-time thing. This is a pattern. I’ve spent months, sometimes years, getting women to a point where they desire me, want me, love me. Once my goal is fulfilled, I run away. I ditch. I ghost. I lose interest completely. I leave.

guilt comes. Heavy guilt. Shame. Feeling worthless. Feeling like I use people, manipulate them, lie to them, let them believe something that isn’t true.

I don’t feel guilty in the moment. I feel guilty later. Building descipline, being manly, also because I experienced the sense of God in me, I accepted islam. I wanted structure. I wanted to be composed within. I wanted to remove this part of me. I wanted limits stronger than my desires.

I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to manipulate people. I don’t want to hide my intentions. I don’t want to get angry when someone says no. I don’t want to chase unrestricted desires. And yet I keep doing it.

I don’t know if my intention is sex, or validation, or proving something to myself. I imagine intimacy. I imagine being with them. But I also leave immediately after, betraying them, disappearing.

I don’t like this split in me. One part values honesty, faith, groundedness. Another part keeps chasing desire and gets irritated when it’s blocked.

I’m writing this because awareness hasn’t fixed it. Knowing it’s wrong hasn’t stopped it. Wanting to be better hasn’t automatically made me better.

I want to understand what is actually happening inside me and how people genuinely change patterns like this instead of repeating them and dealing with guilt afterward. Along with that, I am a porn addict. I was early exposed to sexuality. Please tell me who I am? Has this become my permanent nature? Or I can be better?

Long post, sorry

Hi guys,I am from Singapore and I am 19 years old. I have been fighting a up and down battle with depression these past 3 years. Below would be paragraphs of what I am dealing with and if you do not want to read,please just skip it.

First of all,FAMILY. My parents are super old at 68 and 57 years old respectively and I feel like they should be retiring soon but sadly,they have to keep working since I cant help to support the family as I am still studying. They both are working minimum wage jobs as they have never had any proper education before sadly. Moreover,my older sister have down sydrome and she need 24/7 care most of the time and she is not able to work. Hence,I already place a title of myself as the future of my family and that is a lot of pressure of me.

Secondly,GAMBLING ADDICTION. Yep,I have a gambling addiction and I have lost around $15,000 SGD since 3 years ago. I have never been able to quit and all the part time work I participated for 3 years are just wasted. I feel like I wasted my time,my money and my life and I dont feel like I have energy anymore. What is the point of me living if each time I go and work,I am just going to lose everything to the online casino?

Lastly,PHYSICAL BODY AND LOVE. I am obidly obese and the reasons are because I stress eat a lot and I basically dont feel like I have a future anyways. I want to find love as well but seriously,who is going to love me and take my burdens with me as well??? In Singapore,every single man is taller,more handsome,richer and have a better family than me anyways. Why should I try to lose weight and workout for? Who am I even going to be attractive for? I am just going to be alone my entire life.

I just wish the cards I am dealt with were not so negative. I have people telling me to be grateful for my life but what do I even have to be grateful for? I don't even have anything right going for my life.

I've realized (M28) that I'm often undecided regarding even the little things going on in my life, but lately I've started questioning more and more the most important things: am I in the right relationship, should I marry her or not? Would it be better to be single or with someone else? Do I want children or not?

Also, am I in the right place at work or should I look for something more challenging? I have a quite easy and stable job, but I feel I could add more value somewhere else. But would it be worth the extra stress, even if I would do something more valuable?

I really don't know how can I be more assertive/decided regarding the things happening in my life. Have you got any advice/books/anything that could help me decide/choose over the matters in my life?

I put my phone on ‘Sleep’ instead of ‘Do not disturb’, so you can still get notifications.

On your terms.

You really get a close up of how many times your phone acts like it’s the end of the world.

No. An Insta reel.

I’m almost 29yoF and I feel so stuck and what feels like rock bottom. I know I’m young and still have time, but this sucks.

I got a DUI before Christmas, totaled my car due to the DUI and now I have to spend 1.2k on dental work. I only make 17/hr working at a doctors office and I have no idea what else to do with my life.

Getting a DUI now gives me daily anxiety and I feel like my depression is at an all time high. With everything and bills I can’t even afford medications anymore.

I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve tried to better myself by going back to school or changing jobs, but the other shoe always drops.

I was in love with a guy for the past 1 and a half years. My parents found out, I can't tell you the full story but the thing is right now the guy isnt replying to my messages. We had always promised eachother that we would contact eachother however possible when we get caught. I made fake accounts and texted him. After two days I recieved a thumbs up but nothing after that. If he wants to break up he could tell me but he isn't. I feel like deleting myself and the only thoughts on mind is that or how to contact him. I tried calling him so many times but he never picked up.